Young Writers Society

Bear with me this is my first try at a fiction based on anime characters.
It's very rough Critiques welcome!

P.S. I'll post the last three chapters soon.
Their is more to the story.
I wrote a part two and my friend is still working on part 3.

I won't post II for a while. Need to go over it and rewrite it a bit.


[pre] VI

Dallas woke up to a midday sun. How long had he slept? He had to find her. . A busy market lay before him. Puddles layered the alley. Looking at his reflection, long spiked blue hair lay stuck to his face and clothes. It had rained that night. Dallas was soaked and hungry. He walked into the market, an open bakery lay in front of him. Carefully he grabbed a loaf of bread and cheese and stuffed his pockets. In his haste he hadn’t taken much money. Only enough to find out the information needed. A bribe as you would say. He hated to steal, but he would do anything. Do anything to get her back. Dallas found another alley and ate breakfast. Then he got up and went to search for a snoop.


Sophitia awoke to find herself in a large room. She lay on a cold slab of metal, arms latched with thick pieces of metal. Needles suspended above her. Sophitia looked around the room. When she saw the viles she stopped. Baby and adolescent ferals lay in greenish liquid. Some with eyes closed others with horror stricken faces. Footsteps approached. A man in a white coat walked towards her. He grabbed her chin and looked into her ----- eyes.

“So you’re awake. Now we can start the fun.”



The needles closed in on Sophitia. They thrust through her skin. Tears rolled down her face as she thrashed and screamed in pain.



“Ahh,” Dallas was pushed to the ground by some unknown pain. His arms and chest burned like molten lava. In his mind he could here Sophitia’s cries, feel her pain. Tears came from his eyes. Dallas could see her before him. It seemed as if she was there. He crawled towards the illusion. What was this? She wasn’t really here. Where was she? Dallas tried to call out but he blacked out. The pain was unbearable. Their bond was too close their minds now linked.



Sophitia choked up blood. Not only did the experiments cause her pain, but the mental images she had sent Dallas drained her energy. She tried to break free. The latches were too thick, her strength was gone. She missed Dallas. Sophitia was going mad in this hell hole. She wouldn’t last long. Dallas must hurry.


VII

Dallas regained consciousness. He had to find her quick before time was out. Scrambling to his feet, he went to seek someone that could track her down. After walking for hours Dallas came to a small building. The sign read: “Futuristic Private Eyes--- We Cater to all your needs.” Entering the shop an odd assortment of gadgets greeted him. Everything from self servings forks to robotic parents. Approaching the counter, no one in sight he rang the bell. A middle aged man trudged in. A notepad in hand, pen behind ear, and a hat lay over one eye. He turned the corner and walked towards Dallas.
“Can I help you?” “I need to find someone fast.”
“Ahh… this way.” He motioned to a door.

“Now what is all this about?”

“I’ve lost a friend. “

“O, a lady friend?” he grinned.


“In a way yes, but it’s not what you think. “ “She’s my servant,” Dallas lied in a way.


“I see. Why not just buy a new one?” He thought for a while before answering.


“She’s a special thing, if you know what I mean? She’s part feral.”


” O, Ahh I get it kind of like a trophy to you.”


“Yea. That’s right.”


Dallas wanted to slug the guy. She wasn’t a thing she was a person. The guy asked him a few questions and then sent him on his way. Dallas had paid the man $200, and more to come. He promised to have her found within a week’s time. If he didn’t, Dallas would be reimbursed. He didn’t care about the money, he just wanted her. Dallas couldn’t live without her. She was the only one that every really cared for him, he wouldn’t loose her![/pre]







VIII

Sophitia was still coughing up blood when the man carried her to the cage. At this rate she would slowly bleed to death. The man threw her in and turned the lock. He then exited the room and dimmed the lights. It was going to be a long night for her. The serum they had injected was a new prototype. The drug would supposedly triple her strength, and help in overturning the government.

The ferals were merely a tool in the conquest to tear down the rules. Turn the world back into its previous state. Before the robots came, utopia was freedom. Now it was rules and restrictions. But they had underestimated Sophitia and she soon she would be strong enough to escape.


Dallas paced in the lonely hotel room he had rented for the week. The room was marked from all the circling. He couldn’t sleep or eat. Dallas was afraid for her. After yesterday he hadn’t heard from her. What if he was too late? Was she already gone? Had they killed her? He had to stop thinking these things. It would break his heart every time her face came to mind.

Sinking onto the bed he couldn’t help from feeling guilty. He’d seen where she lay on the cold metal. No warmth to embrace her. No attic to hide in. Dallas couldn’t take sleeping on that bed. He walked over to the bathroom and curled up on the cold tile. If she had to endure this, he would be right along side her.


The bleeding had finally stopped. She tried to stand, but acid coarsed threw her veins. Her body was on fire surged with unfound strength. The drug was taking its affect. Slowly it changed her from the inside out. Her hair grew longer and eyes fiercer. A rage over took her and she fiercely began bashing the bars. They bended to her will and she scrambled threw. She pulled the lock apart and entered the room. Her eyes stopped at the feral children. Suspended in time they lay in the green liquid. She ravenously knocked them over ruining the test subjects.


Workers came charging in. They all were knocked to the ground. Sophitia was about to escape when a needle pierced her neck. She tried to pull it out, but already her body gave out. Blackness over came her and she fell into a deep sleep. Two hands picked her up and placed her in a bulletproof room. When she awoke the first thing she did was ram the glass. But it was in vain for no matter how hard she tried it wouldn’t shatter. She looked around the white room. A few feet away lay two hand weapons. Sophitia crawled forward and studied them.

Pretty good! It's exciting, and it definately kept me reading.

Your style of writing is rather choppy, but that can be improved through editing.


Part VI

Firstly, why is this part in a different font? Change it please, that font makes it difficult to read, and it doesn't look as nice, anyway.

Dallas woke up to a midday sun. How long had he slept? He had to find her. .

Take out the second full stop. Mention who the "her" is, for those us (aka, moi) who haven't read the first parts.

A busy market lay before him. Puddles layered the alley.

The two "lay" words are too close together. The description of the puddles in the alley here is irrelevant, as you've already drawn our attention to the market.

Looking at his reflection, long spiked blue hair lay stuck to his face and clothes. It had rained that night.

Okay, the puddles have a purpose. Do we really need to find out what he looks like now, though? If you want to keep this, then introduce the puddles earlier on, before the market.

And I'd suggest rewording this. Perhaps something like, Dallas looked at his reflection in the puddle. His normally spiky blue hair was stuck to his face with wet... You don't need the last bit about it raiining in the night. There's puddles, so it must have rained recently.

He walked into the market, an open bakery lay in front of him.

He walked into the market, good. Now stop and describe the market. What does the market look like? Smell like? Sound like? What's being sold? Is there a quarrel between a customer and a seller at one of the stalls? Is there coming and going? What do the stalls look like? What do the sellers look like? You said the market was busy. Describe the people. Is Dallas getting pushed about by the press? Who's pushing past him?

... You get the idea. Make Dallas look for a bakery, then notice it.

Carefully he grabbed a loaf of bread and cheese and stuffed his pockets.

No one notices that he's nicking all this food? It's right in the open, in a bisy market. What's the baker doing? What about the other customers?

In his haste he hadn’t taken much money.

Not much money? He's got enough dough to hire a private eye for several hundred bucks, and presumably saving enough for this "bribe" later on, yet he doesn't have enough to buy breakfast?

He hated to steal, but he would do anything. Do anything to get her back.

Run this together into one punchier sentence. Perhaps, He hated to steal, but he would do anything - anything - to get her back. Say who she is.



Don't have time to do the rest, but this was pretty good, just needed editing and all.