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Seize The Day- Chapter One: Thoughts



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Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:21 am
zero_motovation says...



Here's the first bit of my story, Seize The Day. Its not that long, and it really doesn't seem like a romance yet, but that has yet to emerge.
~Zero
PS- I purposefully spelt vampire "vampyre". its called "artistic lisence."



Prologue
Shadow In The Night

"DADDY!" a young girl wailed as her father's limp form fell to the ground. The girl raced towards her father's shredded body as his blood began to pool. The red liquid glinted eerily in the light of the full moon.
"Dad?" she shook his shoulder. There was no response. His head just lolled limply. Tears began to streak the young child's face.
"This is what humans get for hunting the mighty race of the vampyre to near extinction!" a pale faced man said, his voice nearly an animal's snarl. Bright white fangs poked out from the corners of his mouth. This man was a vampyre.
The girl didn't say anything in response, she just contiued to cry over her father's cooling body. The vampyre became frustrated. He kicked the dead man's body with a fierce snarl and disappeared into the night, leaving the young girl kneeling in a pool of her father's blood, weeping in the night.

Chapter One
Thoughts

"You're old enought to get a job," my mother shouted at me, "So get one."
We were having one of those classic parent vs. unruly teen showdowns. Today's matter of... discussion... I didn't have a job and I was 17.
"Well, every where I've gone to has turned me down!" I retorted, my voice low but dangerous.
"Ever wonder why? Just look at yourself! You look like a juvenile delinquent!"
My mother was right on some points. I did have an affinity for black clothing and my hair was short, black, and in my face, but I defiently hadn't done anything too bad.
"Well, if you're saying stuff like that, why don't you just bite the bullet and say that you hate what I have become?" I said. Without waiting for her response, I turned and left our small, rundown house, slamming the windowless wooden door behind me.
I cut across the street and through a neighbor's yard to get to the forest. As long as I could remember, I had ran off there to cool down or to just hang out. The trees were densly packed and fairly short. In the summer, green-leafed thorn bushes filled in the spaces between the thin-trunked trees. If you didn't know your way around, you would find the skin of your arms and legs criss-crossed with little lines of blood. The thorns were brutal.
Sticking to my paths, I made my way to my favorite place, a large rock that was positioned on the bank of the creek, overlooking the clear waters. Since it was currently the middle of winter, the trees were bare and the skeletons of thorn bushes still barred their black thorns to the world.
I leapt onto the large rock and stared out over the creek with my sad, blueish silver eyes. In silence, I considered my options. Like I had told my mother, I had already applied for all the regular jobs in the area and had been rejected each for various reasons. Now, I was running out of ideas, though one option had been playing at the edges of my mind for the past few weeks.

It had started with an offer from Darren, one of my friends and a true juvenile delinquent. He had said that the organized crime group that he was working with was looking for new members. They needed somone who was fast, strong, and intelligent. According to Darren, I fit the bill.
At first, I had said no to the offer without a second though, but as job after job turned me down, I began to consider it more and more seriously. Now, I was thinking about asking Darrn if they still needed a new recruit.

After about an hour and a half of pondering weather or not I should ask Darren, the chill began to seriously get to me. I had only wore an thin, black long sleeve shirt, my black fingerless gloves, my black jeans, and my pair of holey black converses. Not wanting to become hypothermic, I got up stiffly and walked home.
I shall run into the woods and never come back, and when I come back, I'll be the 9TH MASTER!!!!
~The Rev. Avenged Sevenfold
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:42 am
Sleeping Valor says...



"DADDY!" a young girl wailed as her father's limp form fell to the ground. The girl raced towards her father's shredded body as his blood began to pool. The red liquid glinted eerily in the light of the full moon.

For this bit, I might recommend that you cut down on the detail. Or rather, not describe her dad's body twice. Maybe it's just me, but I guess it feels a bit like repetition since you're saying 'the body was...' twice--kinda. =P Though nice work on the description, it's well written. I'd replace "a young girl" with "the young girl", since it's specific. And maybe no caps on the first word, I think caps is generally a no-no in serious stories. =P

"Dad?" she shook his shoulder. There was no response. His head just lolled limply. Tears began to streak the young child's face.

Can you describe for us her voice? Is it trembling, tight? Scared? lol. I liked "lolled limply" XD.

"This is what humans get for hunting the mighty race of the vampyre to near extinction!" a pale faced man said, his voice nearly an animal's snarl. Bright white fangs poked out from the corners of his mouth. This man was a vampyre.

Again, I might use 'the' instead of 'a', since it's a specific pale faced man. Also, where is he standing? How close is he?

The girl didn't say anything in response, she just continued to cry over her father's cooling body. The vampyre became frustrated. He kicked the dead man's body with a fierce snarl and disappeared into the night, leaving the young girl kneeling in a pool of her father's blood, weeping in the night.

You say 'into the night'. Then in the same sentence you say 'in the night'. I'd remove the second. ^_^ Also, I love the vampire kicking the dead guy in frustration. XD

Overall, nice opening. ^_^ My only suggestion is to add a second return between paragraphs, to space them out more.

I must go, but I will try and come back for the rest! Good work! It look great so far!

:D Omg. Will this be a vampire romance????? If so, I will love you forever. :D :D :D *vampire fan girl* XD

^_^ Keek!
I'm like that song stuck in your head; I come and I go, but never truly dissapear.

And apparently I also write a blog.
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:10 pm
KJ says...



Many mistakes; I'm sure you'll take care of those.

But I found the part where the "vampyre" kicked the father and stalked off kind of.. weird. Why didn't he kill the girl, too? Why was it frustrated? Why did it even kill that man?

And its unrealistic that no one will hire her because of what she looks like. Goths, overweight, and ugly people get hired every day.

Needs some work.
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:00 pm
zero_motovation says...



Hehe. Sounds like I did pretty good for being doped up on my medications (I nearly have pnemonia... :? not fun...)
Thanks for the suggestions!! Time to revise!!
:wink:
~Zero :smt020 :smt064
I shall run into the woods and never come back, and when I come back, I'll be the 9TH MASTER!!!!
~The Rev. Avenged Sevenfold
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:26 pm
JFW1415 says...



Don't revise yet! Another review on the way... :P

Well, nit-picky up top, overall below. The numbers next to the highlighted correspond with the numbered comments. Also, it goes one and two down the first column, three and four down the second.

ImageImage
ImageImage
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:43 pm
Sleeping Valor says...



Read Chapter one! ^_^ I won't give you the bit by bit break down, just 3 things stand out to me:

1) everywhere = 1 word. :wink:

2) Again, I suggest two returns instead of one. Otherwise your text is all stuck together because of all the dialogue. =P

3) When she yells at her mom, I'm not feeling it. I might express how she feels a bit more, and I would switch 'said' for something like 'shouted'. Also, since it's a question, I think there should be a ? somewhere in there.

^_^ Interesting! It looks good, and I am wondering what's about to happen.

o.O She's thinking about going into organized crime? How can she even yell at her mom for telling her she looks like a delinquent when she's seriously thinking about being a criminal? >.< So young, so troubled.

^_^ Keek!

*waits for a vampire to show up* XD
I'm like that song stuck in your head; I come and I go, but never truly dissapear.

And apparently I also write a blog.
  





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Sun Mar 23, 2008 2:36 am
day tripper says...



I've read over your piece and over the other reviews and I must agree with them all,
they took everything I needed to say.

This does need some work.

For little parts that could be described in one word, cut down on the details.
For larger parts that could use a few more words, use very nicely detailed descriptions.
It helps(:

Though, I do agree with Keek the most in both of her reviews.

I would use more details for feelings and place descriptions.

Other than that, I enjoyed this piece. I will very much so be reading Chapter Two!

(:
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  








The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
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