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I Think I'm in Love #4



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Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:43 am
BigBadBear says...



This is the final section of my short story, "I Think I'm In Love". I want to thank all of those people who have supported me and have helped me with this story. Seriously, this just started out as an excersise to get me out of writers block. So, I thank you. This is dedicated to you. And sorry... it's a bit long. But it's good!

-

3-13-08

Dad didn’t tell me anything more about Mom coming home last night. It really pissed me off. I mean, shouldn’t I be entitled to know more about her? I haven’t talked to the lady for three years! He could have given me more information!

Seriously…

Well, I woke up today because I heard Dad in the kitchen. I went out there and found him flipping through an old photo album. As soon as I came out there, he shut it. But I knew what the photos showed.

It was the photo album of my parent’s wedding. I thought that Dad had gotten rid of it as soon as Mom had left us, but I guess he didn’t. The front of it was engraved with a golden lacing. There were the words, “Forever and Always” written.

“Dad,” I said, “when is she coming?” He shook his head and wiped his eyes.

“Sometime this week. But she’s not coming for long,” he said, or something like that. I can’t remember exactly. But he continued saying that she was only going to come to documents.

“What for?” I asked. He told me that they were to take me away. I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t. How could a slut like her come and take me away? It wasn’t legal! Was it? I asked my dad, and he didn’t know. He said he doubted it, but his mother had a well-known lawyer.

I was so freaking mad at her. How could she do this? The judge surely wouldn’t just let her waltz up here and take me! Even if I was her child, I wouldn’t allow it. I had a right to say something… right?

Forever,

Emily


3-14-08

She called today. She said that she was going to get her tomorrow. Please, God, let her die in a car crash. Cut off her head, I don’t care. If she comes, I’ll run away. Yes! That’s what I’ll do…

I had to return Tender Mercy back to the library yesterday – it was three days overdue. I didn’t want to give it up. In total, I think that I had read it six times.

Forever,

Emily


3-15-08

Whoever this jerk-off Jesse Brandon is better start showing himself! After sixth period today, I found a note stuck in the little slits in my locker. I unfolded it and read:

‘My dearest Tamera,

Why have you stopped searching? Love can be found in the simplest of places. I believe you in, my love.’

That was a direct quote from Tender Mercy, so whoever this Jesse guy is really knows this book. I remember that scene perfectly. Tamera had given up hope because she had seen Jesse with another woman. But it turned out, after all, that the other woman was his sister.

Mom isn’t here yet. I’m almost ready to run away… but I know I can’t. I can’t desert Dad like that. I can’t hurt him again. After she walked out on us, he became a drunk, and everything when down from there. Now, for once in his life, he is rising up to the mountains.

I’m afraid that if I leave him, he’ll be a drunk, just as if she had left him.

Forever,

Emily


3-18-08

Mom still isn’t here and Dad and I just found out that she has been staying in a hotel. Apparently, by some sort of a law, she can’t come to our house until she has the legal documents. I know that she won’t get them. A woman can’t ditch a family and then come back. It has to be illegal!

It’s Sunday today, and I haven’t heard any more about Jesse. I bet that he’s just some older kid pulling a prank on me. And if I find him, I’m going to tear his freaking throat out!

Forever,

Emily


3-19-08

Now, I don’t understand the law anymore than you do, I’m afraid. A letter came in the mail today. It said something about a trial. Mom was sending us to court so she could get her filthy hands on those documents. Dad and I both have to come, with a lawyer if necessary. I hate the government.

Brittany wasn’t at school today. I have no clue where she was. I’ve never noticed it, but I really rely on her a lot. I sit by her at lunch. We sit next to each other in English. My life seems empty without her. But I’m sure that she will be back tomorrow.

I’m guessing that Dad didn’t want me to see the little swig of beer that he took today. I had come into the kitchen the moment that he drank it. He hurriedly flung it in the fridge and said he needed it to calm himself down.
I don’t blame him, but still… I don’t want him to drink again.

Forever,

Emily


3-20-08

I was right all along! I can’t believe it! What I’m feeling right now – anger, hate, rage – is too much to put on paper. I don’t know how to explain it. My handwriting is becoming very sloppy, but I don’t care. I need to scream. I want to kill him!!

I saw ‘Jesse Brandon’ slip a note into my locker today. I was so completely shocked that I actually screamed. He turned around and I saw who he was.
Landon Bell. The freaking idiot! Landon was one of those jocks that played basketball every minute of their freaking life. I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!

When he saw me he burst out laughing. What an idiot! His face was turning red and all of his friends were cheering him on. It turned out that he had been putting them in my locker to “get my love hopes up, and then at the right time, bring me crashing down”. I can’t believe him! I can’t freaking believe it! He’s such a retard! I want to kill him!

There are tear spots on the pages now. Great. I hate life. I need to go and die. Or, better yet, Landon needs to go and die. Why did he have to do something as horrible as this? I thought for a while that I was in love. I thought that someone loved me.

What is love, anyway? Is it just something that makes you feel good, and then your hopes go crashing down around your ears? Is it something that other jerks play with to torture you?

I suppose so.

Forever,

Emily



3-25-08

The trial was today. I woke up in the morning and got dressed. I had to put on my best ‘Sunday’ clothes. I was searching for them and crying at the same time.

I haven’t gotten over what … he… did to me. And I never will. Someone as cruel as that deserves to burn in hell. He needs to. He needs to die. And I’m going to kill him if I ever see him again.

My dad was drunk that morning. He had woken up rather early and got drunk. I had never seen so many beer cans laying about the house. He was swaying back and forth, his bottom lip trembling terribly. He couldn’t go to the trial until he was sober, I knew. But still… the trial was at one o’clock.
I dunked his head into a sink full of water and tried my best to wake him up, but nothing worked. I was so frustrated! He wouldn’t cooperate with anything I said. For example, if I said, “Dad, get your shoes on!” he would completely ignore me and resume watching T.V.

He was absolutely dreading the trial. He promised himself that he would do all he could to stay home. Maybe he should call in sick, he even suggested. I slapped him across the face and shouted at him.

I forced his best shoes and clothes on and then opened the car door. I’m only fifteen years old, but I wasn’t going to allow my father to drive while still drunk. I swear, I was so nervous that I could literally faint.

I was going to have to drive to the city hall, which was four blocks away; not too far. I had been taking about a quarter of Driver’s Ed in school, so I knew the very basics.

I turned on the car and grasped the steering wheel. I can’t believe how stupid of a girl I was. I was going to illegally drive to the city hall so my mother couldn’t legally touch me. I was crazy!

As I’ve stated before, I hate the government. And Landon Bell. I wanted to kill them both. I wanted to pound the life right out of them!

It was an absolute horror fest as I drove down the busy roads. I forgot to signal and I pummeled straight into the parking lot. I remember pounding the brakes into the floor of the car and it jerked to a stop. Dad was hollering at me for making such a lousy entrance, but I parked it (parallel, I might add; Driver’s Ed actually works!) and I helped him out.

We were going to be late if we didn’t hurry, so I made him jog to the court. When we finally got there, our lawyer, named James Irving, escorted us to the front of the court.

I had never been in one before, but the court was just like what it looked like on T.V. The judge was up in the front, holding his hammer thing. I forget what it’s called. Anyway, the meeting started and he called out all of these names. I believe that it was a roll call.

After that, he turned the time over to Mom’s attorney (she was looking too happy, with her ugly brownish hair and dark eyes) and he took the stand. Already I was loosing interest.

Mom’s attorney called her to the stand with him, and she told why she wanted to have visitation rights or something like that. They used a lot of words in the trial that I can’t remember specifically. Anyway, it dragged on slowly. I listened, but didn’t pay attention. I think they call it, ‘in one ear and out the other.’

I heard our lawyer call my name and I jumped. What had he said? I blushed furiously because I didn’t know what was happening.

Dad was sitting next to me, looking not so drunk anymore. He looked at me and motioned me to go to the stand. I felt my heart jump out of my throat.

I slowly made my way up there and I had to sit in a little box off to the left of the judge. Mom’s attorney asked me all of these questions, along with the judge. I don’t remember a lot, but one of them was, “Do you sustain the fact of your mother’s visitation rights?”

I couldn’t remember what half of those words meant! My head went completely blank. I uttered the first word that came to my mind.

“Um…”

Everyone was looking at me! I fidgeted. I could see my dad shaking his head slowly. Did that mean I was supposed to say no?

The attorney looked blankly at me.

“No. I mean no.” I saw my mother gape at me, and her eyes turned the size of acorns. Ha! Just what she needed!

Anyway, I was called back to my seat with the water that I downed, and the trail went on. And on. And on.

At last, the judge turned to a bunch of people sitting in a larger podium type thing and nodded his head. The ‘jury,’ I guess, whispered amongst them and at last decided on their answer.

“After Sydney Whales left her husband and her ten year old daughter, leaving no contact numbers, or any other information, we oppose of the visitation rights.”

My heart nearly leaped for joy. I heard my father sigh deeply and whispered, “I need another drink…”

I’m all out of room. I’ve used four pages! I’ll be back to write more!

Forever,

Emily


3-26-08

I guess that I pretty well covered everything. Pretty much everything that I remembered from the trial was stated there, so I’m out of ideas. Looking back on the last few months, I’ve had an extraordinary time. The whole ‘Jesse Brandon’ issue, my mother, and being in love has been quite an adventure. Although, I’m pretty sure that I won’t be falling in love with a fictional character again. After all, there are no such things as happily ever afters.

Dad is drinking again. He doesn’t hit my anymore, thank heavens. I guess it was just that couple of times that he went out of control. Anyway, he drinks, but not all the time. Just a couple beers here and there, and I can deal with that.

Mom has absolutely no visitation rights. Dad and Mom’s divorce is coming up and that means (joy!) another six hour trial. I just can’t wait…

I re-checked out Tender Mercy. I really want to buy it, but I just don’t have the money. I’m sure Dad would loan me some cash, but that means that I would have to pay him back. Maybe he’d forget about it?

And as for myself, I’m doing pretty well. I’m not crushing, and I don’t plan to. School is getting in the way with everything. It’s already fourth quarter! Where did this year go? But who knows… maybe next year I can find someone. Someone real this time. Someone who will care for me and not make me seem like a fool.

Crap. I think I’m in love.

Forever,

Emily
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

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Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:33 am
yoha_ahoy says...



First entry, sixth paragraph: "...only going to come to documents." Should it be, come DO documents?

Second entry, first line, "get here" I think you meant.

"Do you sustain the fact of your mother's visitation rights?"
During the trail part, I don't think this line doesn't make sense. Either that or haven't been keeping up with my cop shows. XD

Last entry, sencond paragraph. "He doesn't hit ME anymore..." not 'my.'

Aw yay! Semi-happy ending. I dunno, I feel like this chapter wasn't quite up to par with the other ones. I don't mind the fact that she didn't end up with the love interest, but it just seems like you set the reader up for so much more, but you changed your mind about it at the last minute. A great story none the less though. Keep it up! ;)

~Yoyo 8)
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Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:52 am
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



ahh i love this story

I knew it! I knew it was just some crappy jerk toying with her.
I hate guys like that..

Anyways keep up the work..
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:04 am
cat4prowl says...



beautiful ending. for some reason i really loved that the mom got rejected, i wanted to laugh in her face! that is a good thing, because you made me see through your character.

i loved how she hated the government, that is so great i feel that way all the time. good emotions, stupid jerk-off guy though. nyah we need to go beat him up.

there are a couple grammar mistakes but i dont have time, unfortunately, for that right now. i may edit this later. good job!!

-your #1 fan!
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:04 pm
StellaThomas says...



I loved how your ending shows that her life is far from perfect, but she's still happy with where she is. Lovely story, I really liked it. Good job!
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:17 pm
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Aedomir says...



Like I think I said before, you are great at anything you write. This is the end? Oh well, at least we now know you can write Romance! =P

I really like this story and I saw no obvious, or in fact no not-so-obvious grammar errors here.

The ending was very powerful also, I think it was funny too. The idea that msot people would be thrilled that they are in love, and deep down, we know this girl is.

Great story! Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:33 pm
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STARGAZER14 says...



this was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awsome
i loved it please oh please don't make this the ending
write about what she did over summer
and mabe what she did next year
  





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Sat Mar 15, 2008 12:38 am
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Teh Wozzinator says...



Oh, wow... your ending was... perfect. Fit the scene exactly. Sorry, I'm not at my house right now, so I can't give an edit, but I'll be back for this in a couple days!

I'll edit this post when I can.

Teh Wozzinator
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Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:18 pm
shanan-cat says...



Like I said I would review you story and here I am!

This was my favorite out of all of them. It carried so much passion and... I have nothing to say!
The idea and the ending were so well put together it amazed me.
Kept them coming my home Bear!
shanan-cat!
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown
  





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Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:15 pm
Wolf says...



Hey BBB! :D

It was the photo album of my parent’s wedding.


Should be: parents' wedding.

‘My dearest Tamera,

Why have you stopped searching? Love can be found in the simplest of places. I believe you in, my love.’



I believe you in? :wink: I think those words need to be switched around.

I heard my father sigh deeply and whispered, “I need another drink…”


'whispered' should be 'whisper'.

Yep, only three nit-picks. Your grammar is really good! =)

--------------------------------------------

Negatives and positives:

+ good character development
-- not a lot of description
-- needs more emotion (more of that later)
+ good pacing
+ credible opinions and whatnot

Now, I shall give you mini-lectures on your negative points! :twisted:

Description.
I know this is her diary, so I don't expect a whole lot of poetic imagery, but I would like to know some things:
> what does her dad look like?
> what does she look like?
> what does her mom look like?
You can tie in Emily's emotions with her parents' physical description and her own especially. How does she feel about the way she looks? Does she thinks she's ugly, or pretty? Does she think her mom looks like a slut? Does she think her dad looks like a drunk? You know, that sorta stuff. :)

Believable emotions/elaborating on emotions.
You have some pretty good feeling in this story, but not all of it is believable. Some of it lacks substance. For example:

I saw ‘Jesse Brandon’ slip a note into my locker today. I was so completely shocked that I actually screamed. He turned around and I saw who he was.
Landon Bell. The freaking idiot! Landon was one of those jocks that played basketball every minute of their freaking life. I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!



While it's understandable that she would hate him, I think there's more to it than that. :wink: I mean, you should have her think things along the lines of: I expected it to be someone completely different! I mean, did she expect Landon Bell? Obviously not. But you should elaborate. Here's an example that I made up:

I am so shocked that it's Landon Bell > he plays football all the time, and I hate football > he is such a jerk for doing that > I expected someone... different > I hate him!

Basically, I'd like to know why she was so upset that it was Landon Bell. He's this, like, hot football guy -- wouldn't she be flattered for a second until she realized that it was all a prank? Or maybe she wouldn't if she already hated him and his friends.

Blah. I didn't explain myself well at all there. *face/palm*

Anyway. Overall, this is really good! I think it's a great conclusion to the story and I like the way things worked out -- you balanced the good things (her mom not being able to take her, her dad not being drunk as much) with the bad (Jessie Brandon being made up and a prank).

Great job, Jared! :D

- Camille xx
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Sat Mar 15, 2008 6:19 pm
ashleylee says...



It was a pretty good ending but I think if there was anything you could fix, it would be including Brittney more in Emily's diary entries. She was her best friend and so she would talk about her more. Take it from me. I would know considering that I'm a girl.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
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Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:14 am
TNCowgirl says...



I loved it!!!! I was sad it was just a joke. But it was realistic and very well written. Good job!!!!!!!!!!


***Claps BBB on the back*****


I really don't have much to say, just it was really long and at first I didn't want to read it tonight just cause of the length. But I still abosultly loved it!!! And am very glad I read it. !!!
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Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:29 am
spikerzz says...



I love this story! You did an excellent job of writing from a girl's point of view.
It's awesome! :D
"Now the way I see it, if you want a rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain." --Dolly Parton

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Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:31 pm
Angel of Death says...



I loved this ending BBB, wow you are an amazing writer. I really enjoyed how you tied everything in and the last sentence I really loved it.
Crap. I think I'm In love.
It ends a story but then you wonder whats going on with Emily now, will she ever find love again? Well I have no complaints, maybe there's a few errors but its nothing anybody else didn't touch on. Keep Writing!! :D
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
  





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Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:30 am
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lluvialover says...



nice story man, I read it all. I actually thought that the Jesse guy was that guy with curly bown hair that she saw, but that he was not with his girlfriend, but sister. Then I figured that guy that she spotted putting the note in her locker was doing it for Jesse.
Anyways, I still like the alternate ending although I didn't expect it.
Sometimes you have to dance on bones (past experience) just to have the strength to keep going.
  








If a story is in you, it has to come out.
— William Faulkner