Young Writers Society

Princepal Dundell led me down the hall of my new school I was going to be in Mrs. Frinz 7th grade class. I couldn't wait but I started getting nerves, I felt as if I was going to puke. He opened the door to my new classroom he walked me inside I tried to walk as qiuetly as I could in my new tennis shows. "Ah, hello Mrs. Frinz this is Hannah Trennam" Princepal Dundell said in a casual voice "Hello, Hannah" Mrs. Frinz vioce was low and she wore her blond hair in a bun. All I did while I was standing was twirl my hair and say "Hello or yes mam". When Princepal Dundell left and Mrs. Frinz showed me an empty desk beside the window, I went to go sit down when I noticed a really, really cute bot sitting right beside me he had dark brown hair and blue eyes. We looked at each other for a while when I noticed he had grabbed a pen and a small piece of paper and wrote something, crumbled it up and put it on my desk. I reached for the piece of paper and it said "My name is Jeremy".

After class Jeremy stopped me in the hall and asked if I wanted to go eat lunch with him and some of his friends I said "Sure" and he walked me to the cafiteria. Today the were servering some kind of chicken. When I got my tray Jeremy was already sitting with his friends he saw me and called me over to his table its then that he introduced me to Randy, Zack, Danny, Trevor, and Kyle. We all laugh and said jokes and I we made fun of the school lunch. After lunch Randy, Zack and I went to 6th period history but before that Jeremy pulled me out into the hall and asked if he could walk me home I blushed and said okay.


I couldn't wait for the last bell to finaly ring but when it did I jumped up from my desk and hurried to my locker Jeremy was already waiting for there, I put all my stuff up and we left. He carried my books and we talked forever when we got to my house my mom was outside watering the plants infront of my brick house. I looked into his blue eyes and and they were like jumping into a cool bath of water. He leaned down a bit and all I did was say "Good bye and see you later" then I ran inside I was totaly embarresed!


I hope you guys like this please pm me if you have any corrections or anything I need all the help I can get!!

personally i really like this and i hope u continue to write this series!

I put all my stuff up and we left

This should be I picked all my stuff up and we left.

He carried my books and we talked forever when we got to my house my mom was outside watering the plants in front of my brick house.

Divide into sentences and reword one of them e.g.

He carried my books and we talked forever.

* When we got to my house my mom was outside watering the plants infront of my brick house

.

You could say this as: When we got to my house, mom was in front of our brick house watering the plants.

P.S. Infront is correctly in front .



Overall I like the concept.

To be honest, the grammar and technical issues in this piece were so bad I almost didn't make it through. Do you know what it's like to read something like that? Next time you have to read something for class, try taking out most of the punctuation. It's not a pretty sight. Please, for all our sakes, proofread before you put this up. I understand that you may not have a perfect grasp on grammar, but spelling "bot" instead of "boy"? That indicates a total lack of caring on your part--how are we to take you seriously as a writer if you don't take your work seriously?

Aside from that, it didn't read like a story. It read like a summary. You put a whole day into three paragraphs, and it was all tell and no show. It's more like listening to a preteen girl babble to her friends about Cute Boy than a story.

If you need help with the grammar issues, feel free to PM me. I'd be happy to help! In the mean time, I suggest you work on your technical skills and read a lot. It helps more than anything.

-Colleen

The premise of the story is cute, no doubt about it, but it's a bit cliché.

Theres another story on here, i believe called nothing's fair in teen love and war or something, and the plot of this story and that story mirror each others' almost down to the paragraph topics.

I, being a grammar freak, would also love for you to look at your punctuation, etc. Just reading it was at some points difficult since it was annoying me so much..

I don't mean to discourage you at all, just to give you a heads up.

Yes please, a proofread...

Also, when you do dialogue, each new person speaking should have their dialogue in a new paragraph:

(ex. Bobby and Sue ran towards the train tracks. Bobby had Sue's hand in his and Sue was laughing.

"Come on, Bobby, faster!"

"I'm trying, Sue, I'm trying."

The two children stopped just as the train roared by. They stood and watched, hand in hand, as car after car rumbled by on the tracks. Far down the tracks already, the train belched smoke into the air

"I love you, Bobby" Sue whispered.)

See how they're separated out? As you have it, everything is rammed together and as such, it is very hard to pick out who is speaking.

About the punctuation, I would have a parent, teacher or a friend who is good with grammar and punctuation go through this story and mark all of the places that need proper punctuation. You need some help with your sentence structure too. Just ask for help...

Good luck!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

I thought this pretty good, a little too short, and maybe a little cheesy. You should try adding more character description, I need a good image for this story. I also think that if you were to add more description, it might add more romance. Like what are they all thinking? A.K.A. more body language. You also have really bad grammar.

PM when you've updated...

ST

It sounds like a shorter version of the chapter in my book. Have you read my book called 'Nothing's Fair in Teen Love and War'? Because it sounds remarkably like that.

Okay. First off, there were way too many grammar and spelling mistakes. I think most of them were mentioned in previous reviews, so I won't go through them all (I hate correcting grammar and spelling anyway ).

It was cute, the type of thing that you want to read when you just feel like relaxing and chilling out, but it was a tad cliche. I would like to read more (because I am the world's biggest sucker for a good cliche romance) but maybe you could make the other chapters a bit longer?

Please write more I realy like it.

Okay, I'm sorry but the grammer was too hard to read through. Once you fix that maybe more people will read it. Also, I think you have a pretty good grasp on what this story is going to be about but I do agree with Cade that you need to lengthen the day. Make it more exciting! As that this boy Jeremy is in all her classes. Or she meets this really nice girl and they become best friends. You have to add more than just what this girl does with Jeremy. It creates a more complete story. Good Luck with this and keep writing!