Young Writers Society

PROLOGUE

Love was a fairy tale for Karmon Mcknight, that was untill she met Shawn Cane. He had the biggest leaf green eyes she had ever seen, and the purest brown hair out of all the boys at Sumner City Public High School. They were both in the 7th grade, they both were in the same homeroom, they even rode the same bus. Everything was great untill she found out something that never should have happend, she was a half-blooded elf demon. An elf demon is a demon that long ago came from Ignasiam (a birth place of all magical creatures), they could play music from wooden flutes that would bring joy and happiness to anyone who listened. The elfs could also do magic. But since Karmon was only half-blooded and lived in the human world she couldn't really do any magic. The only thing bad about being an elf demon is the fact that most humans hated them so it was that 6 years ago when Karmon was 7 all humans tried to murder all of the elf demons including all other magical creatures, such as the trolls, dragons, pixies, fearies, giants, vampires, werewolves, and of course the brownies, so after a while they were forced to hide back in Ignasiam. Durring that time Karmon's pure-blooded elf demon father was killed, Karmon never learned about what she was untill her fifth day of High School. A while later the humans start atacking again and Shawn shows up at her house, when he explains that he is a elf demon to and she must return to Ignasiam with him. Of course her mother is unable to come because there is a curse over the entrance that if any humans tried to come in it they would be murdered, and it is now that my story takes place.....



CHAPTER 1
THE ENTRANCE TO IGNASIAM

"When will we reach the entrance to Ignasiam" Karmon asked brushing her long jet-black hair out of her face. "I hope by the end of the day" Shawn said climbing over a large rock, his brown hair blowing everywhere and his leaf green eyes gleaming. They had been traveling for 2 weeks and were now somewhere in the mountains. "Shawn" Karmon asked "What exactly do you need me for in Ignasiam" that one question had hung over her for the last 2 weeks and now she had finally asked it. "Well, I wasn't just going to leave you in the human's relm now was I, and plus we are both elf demons and you need to come to Ignasiam to finish your training anyway" Shawn said grabbing Karmon's hand and pulling her up the rocks. Out in the distance was tiny blur Karmon could hardly make out what it was, two pillars with crystalls in the middle "That is the entrance to Ignasiam, now Karmon you must keep your ears open because many creatures still live in this area like trolls, very, very large trolls so keep you flute out" Shawn said in a very qiuet vioce, but Karmon had the power that when she plaid her flute she could control water and thank god that there is water everywhere.

They could see the pillars clearlly now and could also hear moving in the bushes, then a very large troll thing jumped out of the bushes it had a long greecey orange beard and very nasty yellow skin. "Who walks on me property, thou smells of human blood but mixed in a way" the troll smelled of cabbage. "We walk here as free people you can not own the path to Ignasiam, if you won't move then we are prepared to fight" Shawn said holding a small staff. "Hey wait just one moment I know that voice, Shawn that you" the troll looked exited "Mordy wow, you look um... different" Shawn looked at the troll called Mordy with wide eyes. "My my my it is Shawn but who is the other person she smells of human, and why have you not been around anymore" "Look Mordy there will be other times for this but now we need to get to the entrance" Shawn looked frusterated and said "Mordy can you lead us there" "Gladly" Mordy answered.


As they reached the the pillars Karmon could see the jewels shining more than ever the reflected of her ice-blue eyes like the sun reflecting of a puddle of water. As they walked up Shawn noticed this and starred at her Karmon saw him starring at him and smiled his cheeks turned a slight shade of red and he qiuckly turned away. The pillars were a magnificient sight and as Karmon drew closer to them the started glowing a strong color of purple it scared her for a moment then she heard Shawn and Mordy say there goodbyes and Shawn and Karmon stepped in the center of the pillars and Shawn screamed "Take us to Ignasiam" and they disapeared just like that.





I hope everybody likes this and if you guys have any ideas or corrections please tell me!!

I'll be sure to get back to you

I promise to finish the story soon!!!!!

please tell me what you think

i loved it but the mordy thing doen't really make any sense

Hey, and welcome to YWS! My name's Stella, and I'm going to critique for you today (this has taken me ages, so I'm sure that others will have got here before me, but here's my two cents).

Corrections and comments in bold:

Love was a fairy tale for Karmon McKnight, until she met Shawn Cane.

He had the biggest leaf green eyes she had ever seen, and the purest Pure? Brown? No... brown isn't a pure colour. Try using a different word here. Caramel, mud... but not purest brown, it doesn't work. brown hair out of all the boys at Summer City Public High School. They were both in the 7th grade, they both were in the same homeroom, they even rode the same bus. Everything was great untill she found out something that never should have happend, she was a half-blooded elf demon What? I mean, what? What has this got to do with Shawn Cane. Not a lot, it would seem. Maybe it does, but your reader doesn't know that.. And you've shoved two paragraphs together. Try formatting it like this:

Everything was great untill she found out something that never should known.

She was a half-blooded elf demon

Then new paragraph and continue.

An elf demon is a demon that long ago came from Ignasiam (the birth place of all magical creatures). They could play music from wooden flutes that would bring joy and happiness to anyone who listened. The elfs I can't remember if elves is just a Tolkien plural or not, I'd chack up on it at any rate... could also do magic. But since Karmon was only half-blooded and lived in the human world she couldn't really do any magic. The only thing bad about being an elf demon is the fact that most humans hated them. So it was that six years ago when Karmon was seven -never put age in numbers all humans all humans? We're a nasty bunch tried to murder all of the elf demons including all other magical creatures but you've just told us elf-demons are a special type, so shouldn't that be all magical creatures, including elf demons,, such as the trolls, dragons, pixies, fearies, giants, vampires, werewolves, and of course the brownies, so after a while they were forced to hide back in Ignasiam I'm not really liking this sentence at all, the structure isn't right. split it up.. Durring During that time Karmon's pure-blooded elf demon father was killed, Karmon never learned about what she was untill her fifth day of High School. A while later Comma here the humans start atacking attacking again and Shawn shows up at her house. He explains that he is a elf demon too and she must return to Ignasiam with him. Of course her mother is unable to come because there is a curse over the entrance that if any humans tried to come in it they would be murdered, and it is now that my story takes place..... Only three dots at the end.



CHAPTER 1
THE ENTRANCE TO IGNASIAM

"When will we reach the entrance to Ignasiam?" Karmon asked brushing her long jet-black hair out of her face.

"I hope by the end of the day." Shawn said, climbing over a large rock, his brown hair blowing everywhere and his leaf green eyes gleaming.

They had been traveling for two weeks and were now somewhere in the mountains. "Shawn," Karmon asked "What exactly do you need me for in Ignasiam?"

That one question had hung over her for the last two weeks and now she had finally asked it. "Well, I wasn't just going to leave you in the human's realm now was I? Plus we are both elf demons and you need to come to Ignasiam to finish your training." -but wait, I thought she was only half elf-demon, and couldn't use magic???Shawn said, grabbing Karmon's hand and pulling her up the rocks.

Out in the distance was a tiny blur. Karmon could hardly make out what it was, two pillars with crystals in the middle -But I thought she couldn't see it?

"That is the entrance to Ignasiam. Now Karmon you must keep your ears open because many creatures still live in this area like trolls, very, very large trolls so keep you flute out." Shawn said in a very qiuet vioce, quiet voice but Karmon had the power that when she plaid played her flute she could control water and thank god that there is water everywhere -that last clause doesn't fit. Change it: and she thanked God that there was water everywhere.

They could see the pillars clearly now and could also hear moving in the bushes, then a very large troll thing troll thing? Huh? jumped out of the bushes. It had a long greecey greasy orange beard and very nasty yellow skin. "Who walks on me property, thou smells of human blood but mixed in a way" So he's somewhere between somebody from Kerry and a Shakespearean actor? If you're doing accents, be careful to keep them consistent. The troll smelled of cabbage.

"We walk here as free people. You cannot own the path to Ignasiam, if you won't move then we are prepared to fight." Shawn said holding a small staff but hasn't he always been holding it? Try "brandishing his small staff" or something.

"Hey wait just one moment I know that voice, Shawn that you?" the troll looked exited

"Mordy wow, you look um... different." Shawn looked at the troll called Mordy with wide eyes.

"My my my it is Shawn but who is the other person? She smells of human. And why have you not been around anymore?"

"Look Mordy there will be other times for this but now we need to get to the entrance." Shawn looked frusterated frustrated and said "Mordy can you lead us there?"

"Gladly" Mordy answered.


As they reached the the pillars Karmon could see the jewels shining more than ever, the reflected Methinks you mean reflection of her ice-blue eyes like the sun reflecting of a puddle of water you need a verb in that last clause for it to make sense. Also, you repeat reflect. As they walked up Shawn noticed this and starred stared at her. Karmon saw him starring staring at him and smiled. His cheeks turned a slight shade of red and he qiuckly turned away. The pillars were a magnificient sight and as Karmon drew closer to them they started glowing a strong color shade of purple. It scared her for a moment then she heard Shawn and Mordy say there their goodbyes and Shawn and Karmon stepped in the center of the pillars and Shawn screamed "Take us to Ignasiam!" and they disapeared just like that. -just like what? This sounds okay in conversation, but not in writing. Finish your simile.


Whew. Okay, you have a good story here, but you need to be careful with your basic grammar, punctuation and spelling:

-make sure you have a comma, question mark, full stop or exclamation mark at the end of each of the statements your characters make.

-in dialogue, everytime someone new starts speaking, start a new paragraph.

-split your sentences up. This piece is full of long-winded meandering sentences that are difficult to read. Split them up.

-Make sure that you have full stops and not commas where they should be.

-for every new idea or theme in your narrative, begin a new paragraph.

Hope that I was of help!!!

PM me if you have any questions!

Stella

i didn't relly understand the plot of the story but i think with a little twinking it would be really good