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Young Writers Society


Without Your Love Part 2



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Points: 1871
Reviews: 46
Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:18 pm
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TheForgottenAuthor says...



Sorry, this too is kinda short, but there is more coming!
This is in the POV of Jake.
I hope you like!

Jake stuffed his books into his already overflowing locker. As he bent down to pick up a fallen piece of paper, he jumped as he noticed the girl from his Home Ec class Amelia walk by. She stood a few lockers down the hall and struggled to open it. Cursing, she kicked the locker, which opened at that moment.

Jake watched as she dumped her backpack into her locker, and then couldn't shut it!

"Damnit!" she cried, kicking it again, though this time, it was to shut it, not out of frustration.

Geez, Jake thought. She doesn't seem like the kind of person to curse. Eyebrows raised, he walked the few steps to her locker and, with more force then Amelia, slammed the locker shut.

"Taddaa!" he said, laughing. "These lockers are weird. Sometimes you really gotta use all of your strength."

"Yeah," Amelia said, allowing herself a wan smile. "Thanks."

"No prob." Jake stood there, his six-foot tall frame towering over her five-foot-five body. He pushed his wavy brown hair out of his face, and looked her in the eye. She has the most beautiful green eyes, he thought. "So, the Valentine's Day mixer is coming up..." he said casually.

"Yeah, I know," Amelia said, staring at the floor again.

"So...uh..." Jake started, but Amelia cut him off.

"I have to go." she said hurriedly. "Don't want to be late for lunch! I mean, I want to get in line for that delicious Cook's Surprise...well, I'd better be off!" Amelia walked away so fast, Jake could've sworn she was running.

"Wow..." he said, still leaning against a locker.

"Hey, buddy!" a voice jolted him out of his thoughts. "That's my locker that I need to get into!"

"Saw-ree!" Jake pushed himself away from the row of lockers, and headed outside. I really don't have much of an appetite anymore...

------------------------------

"So you got turned down by one of the ugliest girls in school?" Jake's friend Brandon asked, disbelief in his eyes.

"I got turned down, but she's not the ugliest girl in the school." Jake said, kicking back on the grass.

"Well, she's not the prettiest either!" Brandon laughed. "I don't see why you like her! I mean, you could do a lot better."

"Maybe." The two boys sat there silently for a moment, until someone else walked by.

"Oh my God!" Brandon whispered. "It's Maddy! You should seriously ask her out. She's perfect! She's pretty, smart, and all around perfect! Go for it!"

"I guess." Jake heaved himself off the grass and walked over to Maddy, who was combing her waist length blonde hair with her fingers. "Hey, Maddy."

"Oh, hey Jake!" she swung around to look at him. "What's up?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to the Valentine's Day mixer with me."

"Ooh!' she squealed. "That would be great!"

"Well, ok then." his heart lept higher with every step he took back to his spot on the grass. Maybe Maddy would be better for me...
♥~*Emalee*~♥
  





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Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:27 pm
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GryphonFledgling says...



Dang! He's six feet at what? 13? 14? *is jealous*

Anyway, this was pretty short, but it was all right. It moved kind of quickly. Maybe you could slow down and have a little of Jake's internal thoughts. You already have some in the italics, but we really don't know what his feelings on being rejected by Amelia are. He's not hungry, but that really doesn't tell us much. He could be not hungry because he is so in like, or it could be disappointment. The 'wow' he utters made me think that he was even more infatuated with Amelia, but then he turns right around and asks Maddy out. It just seemed really fast and it was pretty unexpected. It makes him seem a little fickle and not that attractive. Give him a little more depth so we still care about him.

Good luck!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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119 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2476
Reviews: 119
Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:28 pm
SimonCowellLuver says...



First off what is the rating i hope no rating or rated R for content.

I like it but a little emo and cliche trust me i know emo because i write it. I hate cliche it sucks. There are no technical errors in this but i liked it WooHoo.

Keep Up The Good Work!!!

SimonCowellLuver
3 facts: 1.You can't lick your elbow
2. you just tried it
3. I caught you cause i saw you
  








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