Young Writers Society

((Ok, I know the introduction sounds unimportant, but it will be neccessary later on. I hope you enjoy!))

In the village of Lanneret, below the central clock tower there stands four statues. Two are of white marble that gleams in the sun and radiates the moon light. Beside them, stand two figures of black marble, shining in the darkness and shading the daylight. In each set, there is a young man and in his arms, a young woman. If you look carefully at each, you can see the faintest outline of wings, and a stone sword sits beside the two sets.

A young girl of fifteen ran up to the four statues, holding a red bloom. Her black hair and golden eyes shimmered in the suns fading rays. Pale skinned, she was beautiful and tall for her age.

Behind her, her sixteen year old brother followed. He was her opposite, with silver hair and dark eyes. Like his younger sister, he also carried a flower, a white carnation. Adjusting his white overcoat, he sighed. "You really need to slow down, Kioni," he said, with a slight frown. "I wouldn't want you to get hurt. Besides I was going to tell you the full story of these today."

Kioni pouted slightly. "Arashi, I already know the story," she said, eyes darkening. "I'm not little anymore… but I do like to hear it. Will you tell it? Please?"

Nodding, Arashi closed his eyes for a moment as the wind stirred, taking two petals from their flowers, one red and one white. "It was forty years ago…." he began.

***
Ciara wondered the hallways of her school, golden eyes shining brightly. Her black hair hung waist length and floated in the wind accenting her pale skin. Wearing black knee high boots, a black overcoat, and a tight black shirt along with a silver studded mini, she drew several adoring glances. Just because she appeared like a normal high school girl, didn't mean that Ci was. She was a vampire.

Walking down the hall, she nearly screamed as a hand reached out and grabbed her, pulling her into a side room. As the grip released her to close the door and seal it, she turned to stare at her boyfriend coolly. "You really need to announce you presence in a less drastic way, Alex," she said.

Like Ciara, Alex was also a vampire, the new vampire lord of Lanneret to be specific. He had control over the four vamp clans of the town and four lessers ruled under him. Although he was young, he had surprising leadership qualities that had gained him the respect of everyone, even if it was grudgingly. Defeating the other Lord who had attempted to take over after his father was killed had gained him that right. His entire group was known as the Ring of Shadows, and they wore onyx bands to distinguish themselves from the Bloods, a second ring headed by Laird, the chief who had moved to overthrow him.

His navy eyes sparkled as he flicked a matching piece of hair from his face. Smiling slightly at her, he shrugged. "Sorry about that, but I wanted to get you alone for a bit without anyone else noticing," the nineteen year old said. "It's hard to find a quiet moment anymore."

"I know what you mean," she replied, looking to the floor sadly. They'd hardly had any time together with all the events of school and the night ring. Kissing him lightly, she smiled understandingly. "With your new responsibilities, we probably won't have very many for awhile."

Tilting her chin up so that he was gazing into her golden eyes, Alex kissed her passionately before stroking a lock of hair from her face. They'd had to keep their love a secret for the past six months as Alex established his rule. It would have caused some tensions between the clans if it had become know that they were together, especially since Ciara's family had been one of the Blood clans under Laird.

However, after both of her parents had been killed by a hunter in Romania and her brother killed by a rival clan in Glades, Ciara had never joined the ring and had no interest in doing so. As the last of her line, she refused Laird's offer, preferring to stay alone until she'd met Alex. "I know it's hard," he said. "But I'll be informing the clans at the meeting tonight."

As she nodded, he gave her a hug. He loved her more than anything and keeping their love secret was hard when it made him feel so alive. Feeling her cool skin against him, the vampire lord sighed pleasurably.

Ci wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him one more time. "I'll be waiting for you later, by the marble fountain at the park," she said. "Around midnight so we can get going early. I admit that I'm slightly nervous about this, but I trust you Alex. See you later tonight."

1. the nineteen year old said.

Nineteen-year-old

That's the only gramatical/structural mistake I saw.

There is too much telling. SHe looks like this he did this. We have five senses. When he kissed her, did she melt? Sigh? Enjoy? What did it taste like? Put emotions into it. Tastes. Feelings. Was she upset with him? Mad? Aggrivated? Heartbroken? Understanding? And where are they? What school? Read back through it and add more detail, but not nessacarily telling, but showing what is happening. I want to be caught up in this story, not have to determine how they feel on my own.

Pm me if you need anything.

Jamie Bondage

I think that the most significant thing I can say here is about pacing. Try not to tell everyone everything all at once. Another way of putting it: the characters will inherently know more about their own world than the readers do. As such, in the intro, Kioni doesn't need to pout and tell Arashi that she knows the story and that she likes to hear it; Arashi and Kioni should already know these things. Think of other ways to phrase things like this, or other ways to show this information. Same with Arashi's speech "I wouldn't want you to get hurt. Besides I was going to tell you the full story of these today."

On a similar point, the information given after the break about every item of clothing Ciara is wearing is unnecessary. Especially the phrase "Just because she appeared like a normal high school girl didn't mean that Ci was. She was a vampire." Phrases like these seem lazy. If you can't describe Ci so that the reader understands she's a vampire, you're not doing your job as a writer. This paragraph, and the one that is two after it (begins with "Like Ciara, Alex was also a vampire...") are infodumps. Try spacing out your information a bit more. Another example is this paragraph:

However, after both of her parents had been killed by a hunter in Romania and her brother killed by a rival clan in Glades, Ciara had never joined the ring and had no interest in doing so. As the last of her line, she refused Laird's offer, preferring to stay alone until she'd met Alex.

I know this is just an introduction, but I wished that there had been some conflict introduced in this chapter, or some foreshadowing of a future problem. Stories, by their very nature, thrive on tearing things apart and fixing them, however haphazardly. What are Ciara and Alex going to tear apart?