Young Writers Society

A short little beginning to something that I hope will grow into something bigger. Read, review, enjoy!

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I knew he was out there somewhere, waiting in the audience to see me prance across the stage. I knew as soon as I was getting into costume that he had found me again. Cautiously peeking around the curtain, I skim the crowd. I’ve always felt a strong vibe inside of me when I knew he was around, a type of lurching in my stomach and I feel my blood begin to warm.

The evening is light. Everyone is dressed so handsomely and the air is filled with soft murmurs and laughter as the audience awaits the performance. I spot Pierre Cheney, our handsome Prince of France, and his wife, Esmee. They are seated in the front row, getting acquainted with everyone around and Esmee daintily flicks her fan this way and that to cool herself. Hand-in-hand, they converse with different people: Sir Cheney with an elderly man that sits behind him and Lady Cheney with a woman who goes by Brigitte Delancy, otherwise known as my mother.

But, at her far left, and nearly all the way in the in the back of the theater, sits my father and my beloved David Gillet.

“Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte!” I turn away from the crowd and the curtain closes behind me. A thin blonde-haired girl races toward me in a long blue-green gown much too big for her tiny frame. With one shoulder exposed and her curls all fallen in a messy mop around her shoulders, she Bo guards her way through the crowd of actors and actresses to get to me.

“Yes?” I answer.

She roughly latches onto my arm and drags me towards the dressing rooms, “We are about to begin in five minutes and you are not even halfway dressed!”

I’m practically running to keep up with her quick pace and trying to keep my train from being torn by all the raggedy nails in the floor at the same time, “Genevieve, what are you talking about? I am in costume!”

When we got to my changing room, she flung me inside and followed suite, “You call that dressed? Look at you! You cannot be serious if you think I will actually allow you on stage looking that way.”

I look down at myself, holding out the skirt of my dress to examine, “I’m not presentable?”

“No!” she begins rummaging throughout the room and takes out multiple small bags, “First of all, your makeup is not correctly applied. Secondly, your hair is a disaster. I thought we agreed that you would wear it up.”

“Yes, well I allowed Odelette to borrow one of my two clips and I just recently lost my other one.”

She halts abruptly and stares me square in the eye, her shrill voice squealing, “So you have no clips, then?” I nod and she rolls her eyes, “Great. Just… great. You’ll wear it down, I suppose, now come here so I can do your makeup. We are losing time!”

I settle down on a wooden stool and lift my face up to her as she re-applies my blush and lipstick. She twists and turns my long ringlets, letting them hang against my lower back. After a few strokes with my brush, she once again snatches at me and pulls me back out onto stage. I wait behind the fallen curtain and watch her run around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to make sure that everyone is ready and everything is absolutely perfect.

I hear our head instructor, Monsieur Louis, announcing us and giving a little speech about what all went into this performance, taking all the credit as usual, and he gives Prince Cheney the most dramatic birthday wish I have ever heard. The other two women, Odelette included, are now all falling in line with me; we are the first to go on. The three of us hold hands and give a short silent prayer right before our the instructor shouts, “Ladies and Gentlemen, Prince and Lady Cheney, the Cygne Women of Theater and I proudly present to you… Muse Angel!”

The curtain slowly rises as does the sound of applauds. Monsieur Louis steps off stage and leaves us to show off our talent. I force my nerves back and step out into the lights. I’ve always been pushed off into the back where no one could see me and had little to hardly any lines. But, this time, Monsieur Louis thought that I would be most suitable to play the role of the main character, since we are so much alike in personality, and I accepted graciously. Now, after being stuffed into the corner so many times, I get the chance to shine. So, with my head held high and a smile on my face, I lead us off into the first scene.

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The plot will be introduced in chapter one. ^_^

Hullo, Sydstix!

Ah, a historical touch, I see? Wonderful!

A few comments:

While it feels like you're setting us up for a neat story, that was about all that we got out of it: a set up. The plot hasn't really started rolling yet. We just learned a little about the characters. I'll be happy to see a hint of conflict or action develop in your first chapter.

Also, I'm not sure you really wrote a prologue. I see prologues most often used for backstory, or to add information that's not really part of the plot's sequence of events, but that the reader should know. Of course, I haven't seen your first chapter yet, but if it's going to lead into her being onstage, this might just work better as part of the first chapter.

Silly Sydstix wrote:I knew he was out there somewhere, waiting in the audience to see me prance across the stage.

I think this might be a more powerful first line if it were in present tense, especially since the rest of your piece is in present, and it feels like a bit of an odd transition with this first bit all in past. Just my opinion.

No visible grammar flubs. 10 points to Sydstix!

Hope to see this develop!

-Haley

"she Bo guards her way" - I'm assuming that 'Bo' is the name of the girl. I would put something around her name to seperate it = "she, Bo, ..."

Also, I don't understand the term 'guards'. I've never heard it used that way. Perhaps 'pushed' or 'shoved' would be a better choice of words.

Since this is a historically-influenced piece, I don't think that the people would use 'great' in the sense that Bo does. Something like 'wonderful' would sound less modern and would still communicate the same idea.

But this was great. I really liked it. I know how Charlotte feels, finally getting the stage. I was always a backround character. But the last play that I did, the director gave me the main character. *whoot* It was great! I was so excited. And I rocked if I do say so myself.

Anyway, you have talent. Your descriptions were wonderful and the dialogue was great! *applause*

~GryphonFledgling

Very well written, I’m not even sure if this was an error, but it read strangely in my head:

“everyone around and Esmee daintily”
everyone around them, and Esmee daintily

This is so great! I had no idea you were so accomplished. I’ll definitely keep reading this story even though it usually isn’t my genre.

Luuuuuurv,
Rubric

Thank you so much, you guys! Your criticisms are much appreciated. ^_^

Joeducktape: I didn't even know that I switched tenses until you pointed it out. I've read this three times and I didn't catch that once. I guess it was because I knew what it was suppose to sound like, so I saw that when I read. Honestly, I don't know what a prologue is (shameful to say as a writer), I just thought that stories needed them. I'll probably just change this to chapter one. Thanks!

GryphonFledgling: "Bo guard", according to my Word Dictionary says that Bo guard means to force your way through. It's a word, I'm just not sure how to spell it because my actual "book" dictionary doesn't have that word in it. Genevieve is the name of the girl. As for the comment about people of that time not using "great", I agree. I wasn't sure what would fit best, so I tossed anything in. Thanks! ^_^

And...

Rubric: So it was the comma that I missed in that line. I thought it read strangely too, but I didn't want to just toss in any type of punctuation. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm flattered that you think I'm accomplished and will actually continue reading this even though you aren't a Romance kinda guy. That makes me extremely pleased with myself. I'll try not to let you down! Thanks! (Haha! Luuuuuuurv. Nice one! XD)

Lurv to all,
~*Syd*~

Ps. The second chapter will be up sometime tomorrow. (my time) =)

I’ve always felt a strong vibe inside of me when I knew he was around, a type of lurching in my stomach and I feel my blood begin to warm.

You use two tenses here. For most of it you're in past, so I'd say stick with that, and change feel to felt.

Everyone is dressed so handsomely and the air is filled with soft murmurs and laughter as the audience awaits the performance.

Just a little bit awkward.

“We are about to begin in five minutes and you are not even halfway dressed!”

Um...I had to read this a few times to figure out what was bugging me about it, but if you look closely you see you should probably change 'about' to 'going'.

The curtain slowly rises as does the sound of applauds.

it doesn't sound natural. Maybe change it to something like.
"The curtain slowly rises with the sounds of applause..." or something like that, you're the writer, it's your call.


The only advice I have after reading this is: RELAX.
You write well, you don't have to worry about sounding smarter, or wittier than you are (or than your main character is), to have a good story. Sure, many people wish that they had more humor, or used longer words in their writing, but if you find yourself struggling trying to write something you're not, the writing will just come off as forced and failed.

So just relax, enjoy writing, enjoy your story and getting to know your characters, and just let your natural abilities take the lead and you'll do just fine.

Good job.

-JC

I really liked it.
Very entertaining.
I'm wondering about the connection between David and her though.
If you weren't planning on it, i would highly recommend explaining that in more detail either in revision or future chapters.
Very enjoyable.

Hey Syd,

I’ve always felt a strong vibe inside of me when I knew he was around, a type of lurching in my stomach and I feel my blood begin to warm.

You might want to be more specific as what blood you are referring to. For a moment, I thought she was covered in blood lol.

The evening is light. Everyone is dressed so handsomely

This bit is borderline to telling. I think you can actually show that through use of imagery and descriptions.

I spot Pierre Cheney, our handsome Prince of France,

Show how he is handsome.

With one shoulder exposed and her curls all fallen in a messy mop around her shoulders, she Bo guards her way through the crowd of actors and actresses to get to me.

Bo guard ? 0.0

“Genevieve, what are you talking about? I am in costume!”

Not very natural dialogue in my opinion.

I suggest changing it to, "Genevieve, what are you talking about? I'm all dressed up!" That would feel much more natural.

“You call that dressed? Look at you! You cannot be serious if you think I will actually allow you on stage looking that way.”

Omit "that way" and replace it with "like that". It makes it feel more natural in my opinion.

“We are about to begin in five minutes and you are not even halfway dressed!”

Omit the "way" in "halfway"

Now, after being stuffed into the corner so many times, I get the chance to shine. So, with my head held high and a smile on my face, I lead us off into the first scene.

There needs to be more development before hand in the story to truly define this last part of the piece. This bit felt as though it was randomly placed here and read more like an info dump.

Overall impressions:

You have a solid framework of your story here as well as a excellent control of your grammar and spelling so good work.

Main issues would be telling vs showing, characterization and the dialogue.

Firstly, you tend to tell more than show. In certain places of the piece, I felt you could had used some imagery to give the reader a better scope of what is happening and make them feel more immersed with the piece. Instead, you told more than showed which gives the polar opposite. This also affected characterization slightly.

I felt the characters could had been fleshed out more. We were not shown much of their thoughts, emotions, appearance, character relationships etc etc. In my opinion, I think you needed more characterization to truly bring your characters to live and make then feel more complete. I'm somewhat interested in the main character from what you've shown me here, but like I said, it would be grand if you could put more effort into characterizing the characters further.

Dialogue is also a bit unnatural at times but that is a minor problem. I also feel that you could put more effort in the creativity of the dialogue, as so far, it is really not that interesting. With that said, dialogue also helps in characterizing your characters, for it provides further insight into the characters.

Overall, this was ok. You have a solid framework and a rather simple and fluid style of writing, you just need to spend more time on elaborating this part further.

Andy.

Hey, Syd! It's been a while since I've visited your work, which is really surprising. I like your writing. Let's see what's left for me to nitpick...

I’ve always felt a strong vibe inside of me when I knew he was around, a type of lurching in my stomach, and I feel my blood begin to warm.

Your blood could begin to warm, or your heart could start beating faster, or you could feel your blood rush through their veins.

The evening is light. Everyone is dressed so handsomely and the air is filled with soft murmurs and laughter as the audience awaits the performance.

I don't quite understand how the evening can be light. Maybe there's soft candlelight glowing from the above chandelier or walls, lol. The second part of the sentence, though, about the murmuring and laughing is -very- good. ^_^

They are seated in the front row, getting acquainted with everyone around, and Esmee daintily flicks her fan this way and that to cool herself.

I wouldn't get too specific in describing their appearance here like others want to. Only if they will prove significant to the story. Otherwise, a snotty look or dimples or something small would good enough. Maybe her brown locks are flown behind Esmee's shoulders continuously as she fans herself? Some subtle imagery would be good for not quite significant figures. ^_^

Hand-in-hand, they converse with different people: Sir Cheney with an elderly man that sits behind him, and Lady Cheney with a woman who goes by Brigitte Delancy, otherwise known as my mother.

I would probably replace the colon with a double dash (--). ...people--Sir Cheney...

But, at her far left, and [s]nearly all the way[/s] [s]in the[/s] in the way back of the theater, sits my father and my beloved David Gillet.

I'd delete all three commas. But at her far left and in the way back of the theater sits my father and my beloved David Gillet.

A thin [s]blonde-haired[/s] blonde girl races toward me in a long blue-green gown much too big for her tiny frame.

With one shoulder exposed and her curls all fallen in a messy mop around her shoulders, she Bo guards her way through the crowd of actors and actresses to get to me.

This is gonna sound repetitive after the above comments, but Bo guard? That's a new one for me...maybe your dictionary's out of date, lol. I've never heard that one before. However, looking at your meaning, why not try other words to avoid so much confusion, lol, like: shove, push, weave, and others found in a thesaurus. ^_^

She roughly latches onto my arm and drags me towards the dressing rooms, saying, “We [s]are about to[/s] begin in five minutes and you are not even halfway dressed!”

I almost changed "halfway dressed" to "close to being ready". Your choice as to what suits the story.

...raggedy nails in the floor at the same time, “Genevieve, what are you talking about? I am in costume!”

Replace that comma with a period. ^_^

When we got to my changing room, she flung me inside and followed [s]suite[/s] suit, “You call that dressed?

I look down at myself, holding out the skirt of my dress to examine, “I’m not presentable?”

Replace the comma with a period again. ^_^

“No!” [s]she[/s] She begins rummaging throughout the room and takes out multiple small bags, “First of all, your makeup is not correctly applied.

I think 'bustling' would work better than 'rummaging'. Use rummaging for baggage and such. Speaking of which, replace the comma after 'bags' with a period.

“Yes, well, I allowed Odelette to borrow one of my two clips and I just recently lost my other one.”

I nod and she rolls her eyes, “Great. Just… great. You’ll wear it down, I suppose, now come here so I can do your makeup.

Replace comma after 'eyes' with a period. Replace comma after 'suppose' with a period.

I settle down on a wooden stool and lift my face up to her as she [s]re-applies[/s] reapplies my blush and lipstick.

It's actually one word.

...taking all the credit as usual, and [s]he gives[/s] give Prince Cheney the most dramatic birthday wish I have ever heard.

The three of us hold hands and give a short silent prayer right before our the instructor shouts...

Choose one.

The curtain slowly rises as does the sound of [s]applauds[/s] applaud.

Overall, this is a very good story. I thought your description was light, yet well enough to where I could picture what was happening fairly well. It could just be because I've read so many stories and histories such as this, but it was still very good. ^_^ I couple spots I recommended up above where you could add a little detail here and there.

Your characters were pretty good. Genevieve was portrayed very well as a stressed out woman who is so into her career. The main character, I thought, was a very caring person, seeing as she donated her clips to the other woman, sacrificing her own hairdo. You did a good job with showing the audience when you explained their muttering before the show started. The instructor was selfish. Characters are developing quite well. ^_^ Some stories are faster than others, so don't get discouraged in that area.

This is a good beginning to a story I think will be a very interesting read. I've only read a couple romances, besides your stores ^^. I'm sure this story will turn out wonderfully!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Thanks Jabber and Andy for putting this through the shredder and picking out all the little mistakes and improvements I can make. Very helpful!

~Syd

I love the perfect relevance to history. That's always nice. I thought the story was nicely written.

This was a great piece! You had wonderful descriptions!

The only thing that bothered me though, was you that really seemed to rush A LOT. I know that it's a hectic situation, but you really seemed to rush through the writing and as JCobsesed said:

The only advice I have after reading this is: RELAX.

What contributed to the sense of rushing was how you tended to tell more than show. While you had great descriptions on some things, you could have used more on other parts to make the writing SLOW DOWN more.

Other than that, it was an enjoyable read, great job!

-Onceuponatim3xo