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Valentine's Day Sucks: 4/6



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Points: 890
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Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:29 pm
roxythekiller says...



Sorry I didn't update last weekend... I was living it up in Las Vegas :D
... without my beloved internet :cry:. Here's 4/6:


The first few hours we don’t talk at all.
It’s cold as hell down here, especially at night. But that’s fine. There’s probably a blanket down here somewhere… so I start looking for it. I find the crumpled excuse for one fairly easily--- it was where I left it, right behind some unpacked crates.

Ethan is sitting on the old large gym mat staring at a spot on the wall. Forget the spot, I’m staring at him.

It’s hard not to, he’s hot. Not pornstar hot--- but more like the kind of guy you live next door to and secretly jack off to every night. He’s got a good body, but not the gym rat variety. He’s just naturally good-looking--- lean and broad-shoulders, with strong abs and a smooth chest. Ethan doesn’t have chest hair either--- he’s on the swim team, they make him shave it off. I used to jack off just thinking about him shaving, pulling that razor down over his skin until it was smooth and hairless… and sucking back air when he accidentally cuts into it.
I know, I have some lame fantasies. But that doesn’t stop me from cumming to them.

“What are you staring at?”

I tense and awkwardly hold up the blanket, “Blanket? I mean--- are you cold?”

He looks up at me, blue-lipped and white-faced. He’s shivering, and I just noticed the goose bumps on his skin. It’s probably night by now, I can feel the tiredness kick in. He’s probably feeling it, too.

“No thanks.” He answers, “That means you won’t have any.”

“Why?” I ask, “We can share.”

“Two guys sharing a blanket is gay.”

My heart sank into my stomach, splashing in the acid pit. So, that’s how he plays. Not surprising.

“And freezing to death is manly.” I scoff, “For all the survival shit you learn in boy scouts, you’re pretty stupid.”

He gawks up at me with his large, icy blue eyes and says, “Watch it.”

“No, seriously. I don’t find you sexually attractive at all. Everyone knows you’re straight because you’re hitting on Tiffany like God knows what. If you don’t want the blanket, fine, but don’t turn it down just because you think I’m a faggot.”

I cup my mouth. Did I just say the last part out loud? Shit.

Ethan stands up and takes the blanket,“… You’re gay?”
I nod mutely.

“Okay, whatever.” He sighs, and his breath comes out in white clouds.
I drop my shoulders and sigh in relief. It wasn’t what I had hoped for, but it was good enough.


~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other parts:

1/6
topic22979.html

2/6
topic23061.html

3/6
topic23356.html

4/6
post282923.html

5/6
topic24261.html

6/6
topic24931.html
Last edited by roxythekiller on Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 125
Sun Dec 30, 2007 11:55 pm
SASSYLADY333 says...



I'm so* happy you finally posted this! I've been waiting for this. And it's good really it is, a little on the short side. But with the things you talked about, it's good not to overwhelm the reader. Good job!




Can't wait for part Five :)!
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Mon Dec 31, 2007 7:01 am
Loose says...



This was a little short, and a liitle too-much-information, but still good.

Thing that bugged me:

The Main character (don't hate me but I forgot his name), says "...because you think I'm a faggot."

If Ethan thought M.C. was a faggot, then he wouldn't be shocked and say "You're gay?"

You should change it to "...because I am a faggot" because it makes more sense.
  





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Wed Jan 02, 2008 6:35 pm
Gwenevire says...



Nice.
A little short. It was kinda to speedy for me. Try slowing it down and bring more tension upon us if ya know what I mean.
Keep going with it. You are sucking us in. But now I think you have developed the character enough maybe you should start developing the plot and stuff.
I can't wait until 5/7!
Does this mean once you get to 7/7 your done? I think you should make this a novel!
Your choice!
Cheers,
Genevieve
:wink:
  





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Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:39 am
Dr. Jamie Bondage says...



Double Space!!!!! Put spaces between your paragraphs!

I really didn't find any mistakes...I don't think...=p

Jamie Bondage
"This kind of love is not a product of reasonings and statics--it just comes-none knows whence-and can't explain itself. And doesn't need to." Mark Twain
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:18 am
DoctorClicky says...



Loose wrote:This was a little short, and a liitle too-much-information, but still good.

Thing that bugged me:

The Main character (don't hate me but I forgot his name), says "...because you think I'm a faggot."

If Ethan thought M.C. was a faggot, then he wouldn't be shocked and say "You're gay?"

You should change it to "...because I am a faggot" because it makes more sense.


I agree with both statements. Too short, but then again it's a part of six :-p. But you should change the sentence because it doesn't make sense. I like it though!! :)
  








For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn