Young Writers Society

ha-ha. I randomly wrote this. Inspired by the lovely weather and the song I was listening to. Love to know how dodgy it is...


Part 1


They lay sprawled out on the pavement. Four children lazily drifting in and out of sleep on the warm road, all exhausted from their football game. The evening sun was slowly beginning to set, allowing the night breeze to cool the uncomfortable summer air. Hayley, the only girl involved in the game, glanced around at the three boys. The two youngest, her brother and the kid from down the road, were starting to wake up. They were hungry and bored. The eldest boy was awake too, sitting up on his knees.

"Why don't you lot run into the house and grab some pizza?" He suggested to the boys. "I know it's arrived."

The two sprung to their feet and ran inside. They were clearly racing each other. Hayley, still lying down, noticed her and Kyle were the only two on the road. They were alone. There were no cars on the road at all, since their street was only small, and everyone was in their homes, watching TV in front of their air conditioners. Kyle noticed this too. He crawled forward and lay down facing Hayley.

"I beat you!" He mocked. Hayley rolled her eyes.

"That's because you stuck me with my nerd brother. He can't play sport to save his life. Anyway," She said, wriggling a bit closer to Kyle. "I still think I could beat you in a spelling bee."

"Probably," Kyle agreed.

The blow flies started to buzz around them. One landed on Hayley's cheek. Kyle lifted his hand and wiped the fly away, gently. Hayley felt tingles and his finger brushed her skin. He took his hand away, but Hayley wished he hadn't. She felt so confused. She had never seen Kyle in this light before. They had grown up together, they were practically related. All of a sudden she felt a rush of emotions that she knew she couldn't suppress.

Kyle felt the same way, too. He knew it felt wrong since Hayley was like a sister to him. He moved closer to Hayley and his hand found hers. Their hands clasped. Hayley felt her lips moving closer and closer to Kyle, and his moved to hers. She was scared and excited at the same time. So was he.

Their lips gently touched. Hayley's heart rose into her throat. Kyle's spare hand cupped Hayley's cheek as he gently pulled her lips further into his.It was then that Hayley remembered something; this was her first kiss. And it was beautiful.

Hi Lucy, remember me? Guess I should critque this piece.

I won't bother with a line to line since this piece was very well written and excecuted pretty well. The idea being this piece is quite well thought out. I liked the build up to the kissing scene. It flowed very well and kept me reading.

I liked the kissing scene the most though lol. The way you described it was very passionate and makes me interested to see what their relationship is all about lol.

The only problem I had with the piece is probably the lack of main character insight. I want to know how your main character is distinguished from the rest and what makes her unique and original. But since this is part 1, I won't jump to conclusions yet.

Overall? Very well written.

Andy

Lesbians...? I don't know where you got "Lesbians" from, since Hayley is the only girl in the piece...

Cute. I thought it was great (but that may be because I'm a main character who gets to kiss a girl.... we'll see about that). The only things I noticed:

Little-Lucy wrote:They were alone. ... Kyle noticed this two.

You're using the wrong "two", here. The "Two/Too/To Rule"

TWO -- to be used when spelling out 2
TO -- when you are going somewhere
TOO -- also, in agreement

The last "too" is the one you'd need here, preceded by a comma.

"Probably." Kyle agreed.

(no, really, it is... ) Comma after "probably", for grammar's sake.

Some omissions and changes in this paragraph:

The blow flies started to buzz around them. One landed on Hayley's cheek. Kyle lifted his hand and wiped the fly away, gently. Hayley felt tingles and his finger brushed her skin. He took his hand away [s]once the fly was gone[/s], but Hayley wished he hadn't. She felt so confused. She had never seen Kyle in this light before. They had grown up together, they were practically related. All of a sudden she felt a rush of emotions that she knew she couldn't [s]feel, that she had to[/s] suppress. [s]But she didn't want to.[/s]

The italics seem awkward to me. Maybe some rephrasing would clean it up.

but at the same time it felt so right.

CHEESY! Avoid it if you can.

Their hands embraced.

I don't think "embraced" is the right word here. Maybe "clasped" is better?

Their lips meet in a passionate fashion.

You're doing great with this romantic lead up, then BAM! They're on each other like flies on a dead hobo. No. Keep it sweet: have their lips "gently touch" or something.


Overall, great job. And thanks for letting me have my first kiss in over a year (sad, I know).

Okay, I will be doing this as I go.

Kyle noticed this two.

*too.

since Hayley was a sister to him

"like a sister to him", please. Otheriwise, too close to being an actual sister.

Their lips meet in a passionate fashion.

Two things:

Their lips met---------and erase "in a passionate fashion". Instead, build up the romance and add after "Their lips met, slowly, sweetly, passionately."

A thought struck Hayley; this was her first kiss. And it was beautiful.

Uh-uh. Too unprofessional. Maybe..."Hayley opened her eyes, and remembered. This was her first kiss. And it was beautiful."

Overall, it was pretty good. The story would have more intrigue, more passion, more drama to it if it was lesbian, as the comment above me thought it was. Otheriwse, it is basically a well-written cliche. Add something just a bit more original, quirky, something that will make us remember this piece.

Then it would be just excellent.

Oh dang lol.... Kyle is a girl's name and I thought that Kyle is a girl -.-

My bad lol. "goes to edit last part of crit"

thanks Flemzo and Gadi

As for you, Andrew... how the hell could you assume "Kyle" is a girl with all the references to him being a "him"??

Keep it the way it is and don't even consider "lesbian action". You'll spoil a good piece of writing. Your characters could be rounded a bit more, but if you're going to continue with this, then you can do that later.

"Why don't you lot run into the house and grab some pizza?" He suggested to the boys. "I know it's arrived."

You do this several times. Make it a small letter, not a capital!

"I beat you!" color=red]H[/color]e mocked.

"That's because you stuck me with my nerd brother. He can't play sport to save his life. Anyway," She said, wriggling a bit closer to Kyle.

See?

He took his hand away, but Hayley wished he hadn't. She felt so confused. She had never seen Kyle in this light before. They had grown up together, they were practically related. All of a sudden she felt a rush of emotions that she knew she couldn't suppress.

Kyle felt the same way, too. He knew it felt wrong since Hayley was like a sister to him.

I think this bit is too rushed. Add some dialogue to show their confusion/tumult of emotions, whatever. And the bits about Kyle "feeling the same way too" are awkward; they kind of jerk the reader out of the moment.

Overall, very good! Just needs a bit of tweaking.

Hey, Lucy. I like this. There's just a couple of random complaints. Not mistakes, just pet peeves of mine lol.

the kid from down the road

No idea why, but that part there seems to go away from the style you had set up already. The rest of it seemed so much more... formal. Is that the word? I dunno. xD

they were practically related.

Okay, now I understand what you're trying to say there, but it made me laugh really hard. And reminded me of something off this tv show. Which wasn't so innocent, but still. Maybe you could re-word that.

"Why don't you lot run into the house and grab some pizza?" He suggested to the boys.

And that there. I'm fairly sure you're just supposed to have a lower case 'h' for he, even after a question mark. Even though I only do that like fifty per cent of the time.

Anyway, that's all I got. And yes, I realise that this crit is pretty much useless. Still. I wanted to tell you that I liked it anyway,

This was so adorable. It interested me. I hope my first kiss will be like that that. ^_^

The only "problem" that I have with it, is the quote "Why don't you lot run into the house and grab some pizza?" The word "lot" reminds me of a parking lot, even though I understand what you were talking about. Maybe you should have said "boys," instead. Just an opinion. But it was very well written. Nice job!

~Stephanie

Aw how sweet. Very well written. I don't see how anyone got lesbian action in there either. Don't put any in there. Anyway, I enjoyed reading it and hope there will be more to read.

I found this a being quite good.

I think you should make it a little longer and with more action.

This was so sweet and romantic I just had to comment! I absolutely loved it! XD. The only thing I found wrong was that it wasn't long enough!!!

This was so sweet and romantic I just had to comment! I absolutely loved it! XD. The only thing I found wrong was that it wasn't long enough!!!

That was so cute and sweet! I think i have no complaints for in my opinon all the mistakes have already been lined out.

This is really adorable! Keep writing!