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Young Writers Society


SUPER BOY: CHAPTER TWO



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Sat Jul 21, 2007 5:37 pm
SASSYLADY333 says...



Chapter Two
The next day there was an object in the sky. Not a bird. Not a plane. And this time not even Superman. It was Super Boy.

Superman had been on the other side of town handling a bank robbery. His son was stopping another suicide. A man was threatening to jump off the building from his job Cooper's Boomerangs.

Crowds of people gathered around and various policemen and fire men were working hard in desperation. But all the suicide detectives were busy else where. Which made this scene next to a busy street quite a spectacle.

Of course by all odds Fonnie was there, she was recording the whole ordeal. She was a bit annoyed that Jason had made himself so dedicated to being partners and he hadn’t even shown up.

‘ Oh, well,’ Fonnie thought ‘as long as he got some pictures they didn’t have to be hip and hip. Besides he’s probably stuck in traffic.’

Superboy arrived and landed on the roof of the building. “ Sir, wait don’t jump!”

The man turned around, “ Ah! What the hell!? Stay away from me or I swear I’ll jump.”

“Why are you up here?”

Super boy had shocked this man; he asked this question in such a calm manner. Everyone else had done nothing to make him calm down. He was pathetic, a grown man angry enough to be up there in the first place. Yet he couldn’t stop crying.

“ It’s okay. People love and care about you…you don’t have to jump!” that’s what the small little dots on the ground keep screaming. Besides telling him not to jump, but no one really seemed to ask him why he was up there.

Soon Super Boy had gotten the lunatic on top of the building to the ground crying his eyes out. Fonnie could tell this man was middle aged and probably just lost his job or his wife cheated on him. Or he just got a divorce. It was typical in there town.

“ Someone help this man.” Said Super Boy.

This was Fonda’s cue and she walked up to the Super Boy and the man. “I’d be happy to do that. What’s your name sir?”

“ I’m-I’m George.” The man said before bursting out in tears.

“Oh well, I’m Fonda.” She smiled at Superboy before before turning her attention back to George.

Super Boy looked at her with a certain curiosity. This surprised Fonda, she figured he would have taken the chance to fly away.

“ Thanks…Fonda.”

“ Your welcome, and I promise I’m not here to stalk you. I want to get to know you, if you let me Super Boy.”

Fonda looked back down at the crying man. “ I’m sorry George, let’s go.”

She didn’t look back at Super Boy, she figured he would have flown away. He never stayed in one place very long. She handed the man over to various police men and paramedics.

But she didn’t see him staring after her as other people had as she walked with the man to the ambulance. She was comforted the man some. A few minutes later when Super Boy had flown away and people where busy moving on with their lives or calling the press, Jason showed up.

He came just as the ambulance was a bout to pull away. “ Jason! Where were you? I had to try and record with my MP6 and that didn’t work.”
Fonda said good bye to the man before the ambulance swished away. And she looked at Jason.


“ Where were you away?”

“ I , I was around. I had a little trouble getting here. But I got some pictures.”

Fonda smiled, and completely surprised Jason by hugging him.
“ This is great! George Mans agreed to an interview, but BTW I think he needs some help. Jumping off of a building isn’t normal. But at least he shared his gratitude for being saved. This interview was perfect you know?”

Jason sighed, what was he going to do with Fonda? She was his friend but she was going insane.


“ Fonda…”

She clasped her hand over his mouth, “ Hush up Jason. Let’s just go home we have a lot of home work to do. We can finish this over the weekend. I’ll start on the story and you email me the pictures. Oh, god all this excitement…Imagine what he'll do next?”

Fonda whistled for a cab, and they both hopped in. Jason sighed remembering how his father always whistled for his mother’s cab.
  





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Sat Jul 21, 2007 9:46 pm
biancarayne says...



Of course by all odds Fonnie was there, she was recording the whole ordeal.

Sounds awkward...I think maybe you should rephrase that. Also, I think there should be a period instead of a comma between the two halves.

as long as he got some pictures they didn’t have to be hip and hip.

change the tense or whatever, because this is her thinking that right??

It was typical in there town.

I think it should be their, not there.

As far as the story itself, I think you say "said" too much, and that becomes repetitive and makes the dialogue drag a little bit. You could use with a wee bit more action in this, too, and maybe some more detail to further pull the reader in and place them in the middle of the action. As far as the man standing on the building, it was too easy for them to get him down- if the dude was serious enough that he'd get on a top of a building, it would be so much harder to get him down than it was here...

Otherwise, this is a very good beginning, needs some editing, but then again so does everything anyone write!
  





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Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:00 pm
Twit says...



SL wrote:The next day there was an object in the sky. Not a bird. Not a plane. And this time not even Superman. It was Super Boy.


Good beginning, I like it. :wink:

There were a few basic mistakes in here. You don't need a space between quote marks and dialogue. "Say it like this, see?"


And comma to end dialogue with small letter to start the tag, like below.

SL wrote:“ Someone help this man.Said Super Boy.


SL wrote: “ I’m-I’m George.The man said before bursting out in tears.


SL wrote:“Oh well, I’m Fonda.She smiled at Superboy...



Otherwise, good. Just needs a bit of polishing. :)
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 125
Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:34 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Thank you both for the reviews!!! Im a bit more for the romance so im exciting to add more action into this story. :).
And fix those mistakes, lol.
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Tue Sep 25, 2007 3:02 am
JackBauerHasABaldSpot says...



My favorite PIC, I hope I don't go too easy or too hard!

First, spelling is a given. I'm a grammar nut probably damaged from some profoundly tough teacher (as you might already know), but the lack of accuracy in the spelling makes me go NUTS, and then i can't read the story out of frustration.

Obviously this story is meant to be ultimate fiction, but I feel that the teens (I hope they're teens to call him Superboy) should connnect a little more to the reader. At least, make them more like teens. If you're going for an incredible character, I'm pretty sure one thing about them's got to be credible. Otherwise it's hard to believe the story.

in my opinion, action needs a gradual pulse, not a sudden one. It's a sequence, not a heart attack. It's actually a preference, but you really build suspense when you start quiet, then blast the heck out of everyone!

As for the advantages, you're original and you know excitement. Goodness know I don't.

It's awesome anyway.

See ya at the home of the coyote! Later.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 125
Tue Sep 25, 2007 3:30 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



ITS YOOOUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE UUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JK LOL. THANKS AM, SEE U AT SCHOOL, AND I THINK YOUR RIGHT ONCE I KNOW WHAT THE HECK YOUR TALKING ABOUT, JK LOL. NO REALLY THANKS.

P.S.- AND YES I WILL REVIEW UR STORY HAVE SOME PATIENCE!!!:)!
  








Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
— Martin Luther King Jr.