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The Closet: Chapter Four



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Fri Jul 06, 2007 2:04 am
KiteRide86 says...



Morning fled into the room and Jamie rose with the sun. She dragged herself downstairs following the scent of pancakes. As she plopped herself down at the kitchen bar, her mother sat the pancakes, all ready buttered with syrup running down the stack, in front of her.

“You didn’t have to make breakfast for me, mom. I could have managed a bowl of cereal or oatmeal.”

“I insist.” Edna smiled, clearly missing someone to take care of, other than herself.

Jamie picked up her plate and moved into the living room where she flipped the television to MTV. Jamie watched as beautiful men and women danced and sang about love.

“She looks so good in this video. Don’t you think so?” Jamie asked, commenting on the new Beyoncé video, “If only I could be built like that.”

Edna sighed and turned the television off.

“Why did you turn it off? I like that song.” Jamie protested.

“But you’re finished with your breakfast.”

“Yes, but I wasn’t finished watching that.”

“Besides I have a job I want you to do for me while you’re here this summer.”

“Like what?” Jamie asked, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

“I need you to clean the hall closet out. Everything in it is yours and I’d like you to sort through it. Keep what you want and trash what you don’t. Alright?” Edna took Jamie’s dish and carried it to the kitchen.

Jamie eyed the remote considering turning it on again, but instead she picked herself up and went to the closet. Inside were stacks of brown boxes with labels on them. In the center was just enough room for her to sit and tear through each one. So she grabbed her ipod and sat down.

She decided to go through them by years, since they were labeled that way. So she grabbed the first one which read “Baby stuff” and opened it up. Inside she found mostly tiny jumpers and dresses, but there was the occasional binky and bottle. Only one thing was kept from this box, and that was her baby book. It contained the only tangible records of her first steps, words, birthdays, et cetera. Feeling curious, she looked inside.

“Hm…daddy was my first word. Wonder how that made mom feel?” Jamie muttered to herself.

Next came the box labeled “Toddler stuff.” This box was just as easy for the same reasons. Most of it was clothes and small dolls. Then came the school boxes. “Kindergarten” contained mostly papers and crafts. Jamie payed little attention to most of these papers, but a few caught her eye. One, in particular, was the “Little Indian” book. It was a five page illustrated book without any words. The task had been to create short sentences to fit the pictures. Jamie giggled at how terrible her handwriting and spelling was. She noticed now that her creativity had been nonexistent, with sentences like “The Indian washed the corn,” “The Indians danced,” and “The boy and dog played.” So boring, she thought. Flipping through her other papers, she realized how drastic the changes were from elementary to high school.

Throwing most of these papers away, she moved onto the “first grade” box, which showed little contrast from the former box, execpt that the math now included subtraction. She barely looked at one set of papers before moving on to the next.

Jamie glanced down at the time on her Ipod, 1:30. She was bored now and hungry, but her legs were too asleep for her to get up. So she leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.

“Looks cramped in there.”

Jamie sat up, startled. “Oh. Hey there, Forrest.” She looked around her large pile of junk, “She wanted me to clean out the closet so…here I am.”

Forrest scanned the closet, “looks like a big job.”

“Yep, but I did clean out four boxes already.”

“Nice progress.” Forrest said, leaning against the doorway.

“Yeah, but now I am starving. You want a sandwich?”

“Sure. I’m starting to feel hungry.”

“Good, cause even if you weren’t I would have made you eat anyway. I’m dying to socialize.” Jamie tried to get up out of the mess, but couldn’t. “A little help, please.”

Forrest lent her a hand and pulled her up.

“Thanks.” Jamie said, walking to the kitchen. She pulled open the fridge and examined its contents. She picked out several things and set them on the counter. “Swiss or American cheese?”

“Um…American.”

“Alright, pick your fixings.” Jamie said and they began to throw together their sandwiches.

“So where do you go to college?” Jamie asked, taking the first bite of her ham sandwich.

“I chose to attend the local university so I didn’t have to stay on campus.”

“Before I would have asked you why you wanted to miss out on that experience, but now I wish I had done the same thing.”

“Bad roommate, I take it.”

“Yep. So what are studying?”

“I’m majoring in Journalism. And you?”

“English with the focus on Literature. I really enjoy it, too.”

“That’s good.” He said, finishing his sandwich.

“So how did you start working for my mom?” Jamie asked, grabbing a soda from the fridge.

“Well, one day I just offered to help her carry in her groceries and it kind of worked its way from there. I started mowing for her and then she asked if I was good at gardening…”

"It's a good thing she had you, huh?" Jamie giggled.

"I wouldn't say that..."

"No, really...she was lucky to have you," Jamie smiled.
Last edited by KiteRide86 on Fri Jul 06, 2007 3:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Jul 06, 2007 2:58 am
Sam says...



First off:

HIKARU! KAORU! *squeals*

Ahem. Thank you. Anyway...glad to see more Closet, Kite Ride! It's good as ever, and Forrest is getting suspisciously close, isn't he? Hmm...^_~


A few things:

- The first paragraph was a bit too angsty and introspective for me. Usually, introspective-ness isn't a good thing to have in a story, because it signals navel gazing, which in turn isn't a good thing. No matter how prettily you write, it just sounds odd.

My advice? Just take it out. The next paragraph works perfectly as a chapter opener.

- When there is actually music playing on MTV, it's usually rap, and usually not about love. I remember that Jamie's got some wit to her- poke a little fun. That'l balance the constant, depressing force that is Edna.

- The ending...she just kind of gets up and leaves! A 'hmm' signalizes boredom, but you don't mention that she's bored- and I thought she thought Forrest was cute? I don't know. It just seemed much to abrupt. Either suggest awkwardness, or have Jamie mentally hit herself for getting up too soon. Either way, we need a little more padding before she leaves. ^_^

Another good read, Kite Ride! As usual, feel free to PM me...especially if there's a new chapter up.
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Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:07 am
Rydia says...



My usual specific points first -

As she plopped herself down at the kitchen bar, her mother sat [Pretty sure you meant set. the pancakes, all ready buttered with syrup running down the stack, in front of her.

which showed little contrast from the former box, except that the math now included subtraction.

_______________
Other than that, I liked the diversity of this piece. You have two sections that are very speech heavy but the description of emptying the closet seperated them nicely. Perhaps Jamie is a little too friendly with Forest? But then that does seem to fit her character so don't worry about it. I look forward to reading more.
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Fri Jul 06, 2007 4:07 pm
JC says...



Morning fled into the room and Jamie rose with the sun. She dragged herself downstairs following the scent of pancakes. As she plopped herself down at the kitchen bar, her mother sat the pancakes, all ready buttered with syrup running down the stack, in front of her.

It seems a little snappy for me. She did this, she did that kinda thing. Try making a way to make the senteces flow better with each other.

For some reason this chapter didn't do as much for me as the previous ones. The huge contrast between the descriptions, and the dialouge makes it a tad awkward overall. Also, somethings happen too fast. Like the breakfast, where she's all of a sudden done and the TV's off. (I also didn't like that she seemed to immature about the TV being turned off). There's also the sandwitches with Forrest. You pretty much say, "They made sandwitches, and then they were done eating them." There's a lot to fill in there, and a lot you can fill it with. More in-depth dialouge, some descriptions, Jamie's thoughts about her feelings toward Forrest.

You set up a good graph here, all you have to do is fill it in.

Good job! And thanks for the PM!
Keep up the good work!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  





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Sun Jul 08, 2007 3:04 pm
Alainna says...



The first paragraph is a let down.....but otherwise this was good.

I don't think it's as strong as previous chapters and I feel like we could have had more thoughts from Jamie. It was fairly short as well, so I'm not really commenting much....sorry.

Keep up the good writing, though as I like this story!!

Alainna
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Mon Jul 09, 2007 7:36 pm
Kay Kay says...



I'm glad to read more. I couldn't exactly remember what was going on so I had to read the previous chapters to get back into the story. I agree with With My Hands Open... when she said that it was a weak chapter. My opinion was that it didn't have as much detail and seemed to be rushed. I like this story. Can't wait to read more.
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