Young Writers Society

Chapter 2- Mi's Strange Encounter

"Any homework dear?" asked Mia's mother, Mrs.Smith, as Mia walked through the door.
"Yes mother, they piled us down with homework tonight, I think I shall go to the Central Library to study." Mia replied in the same proper voice.
"Why then you must hurry, don't be late for supper. Oh, and be careful of those trouble makers on the other side of the ski slope!" Mrs. Smith called.
"Yes mother, I will," answered Mia. She picked up her bags and got ready to leave.

When Mia was done studying she decided to look at a few books since she still had time. As she was looking at a book, Mia heard a thump behind her. Mia turned around and saw a boy about her age, bend down to pick up some books that he must have ropped. Mia then also bent down to help the boy.
"Thanks," said the boy.
"No problem," replied Mia. Before either of them knew it, Mia and the boy were talking like old friends. Soon it began to get dark and Mia said she had to go.
"Oh, I didn't catch your name." said Mia as she stood up, "I'm Mia Smith."
"I'm Danny Tapple," said the boy.
"I haven't seen you in Westside Academy," Mia said in a curios voice.
"I don't attend Westside Academy," Danny paused, and then said, "I go to Central High."
Mia then dropped the book she was holding, and ran to the door.

That's really pretty good. Few things:
1. REALLY short. You may want to stretch it out. Like what happened on the way to the library, or what her homework was.

2. You spelled "dropped" as "ropped" in the beginning of the second paragraph.

3. This is good. I like how it goes with the first chapter.

thanks!oops didnt see my spelling errors i was in a hurry i typed it during lunch at scholl so yeah..... i have been thinking to stretch it out and i just haven't had time.... the longest chapter is actualls 3 1/2 peices of notebook paper so they are pretty short thanks for your suggestions!

Encore! Encore!
That's really great!
*looks around* What's so bad about eCntral High?

thanks! havent had time to type up chapter 3....

ummm.... u see it says in chptr. 1

see in chaptr 1... it says tht central high is where poor ppl go and in this place they are seperated according to how much money they have

I like how they're all proper. It makes it seem like real life. How some kids will follow whatever their parents say.
Pandora

Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review

*

"Why then you must hurry, don't be late for supper. Oh, and be careful of those trouble makers on the other side of the ski slope!" Mrs. Smith called.

‘troublemakers’ is one word, remove the space.

I would like for you to give this a little emotion/feeling. Mrs. Smith doesn’t like the troublemakers so maybe you could have her saying this ‘with disgust’ or anything to show that there is conflict between the two societies.

When Mia was done studying she decided to look at a few books since she still had time. As she was looking at a book, Mia heard a thump behind her.

To improve this scene you could say what this ‘studying’ was and how Mia feels about it. Is it History homework that she struggles with and hates because she probably is not particularly too keen on studying the subject. How far is the library and does she meet anyone she knows/detests.

Mia turned around and saw a boy about her age, bend down to pick up some books that he must have ropped.

Place a comma after boy.

"No problem," replied Mia. Before either of them knew it, Mia and the boy were talking like old friends. Soon it began to get dark and Mia said she had to go.
"Oh, I didn't catch your name." said Mia as she stood up, "I'm Mia Smith."
"I'm Danny Tapple," said the boy.

Again you are very brief here. Instead of telling how these two became friends show by having the characters interacting. One other thing, it would be pretty rude of them not to introduce themselves before becoming friends.

"I haven't seen you in Westside Academy," Mia said in a curios voice.
"I don't attend Westside Academy," Danny paused, and then said, "I go to Central High."
Mia then dropped the book she was holding, and ran to the door.

I guess here the two assume they go to the same school. Develop this further and instead of saying straight away which school they attend have them as which class/teachers they have and of course the characters will realise that the other person is from ‘the other school’.

I liked the ending but you could show Mia feeling shocked/startled that a boy from that ‘troublemakers’ school could be friendly towards her and then she would leave without a word, that’s a suggestion or you can think of different ways to portray this.

If there is anything you want me to explain further let me know.

As a short story you would need more thought on what things look like, character interaction/emotions and how you can better a situation.

Your chapters are very short, its not a bad thing but each chapter is brief in what you write and leaves the reader wondering about certain things. So far I have no idea how old Mia is, what she looks like and any other background information.

You'll need to title each chapter as well, as I didn't know which 'Candy Ville' was first.

-- Myth

okay thanks... thisa i also typed in school so there are many errors.. and i mean, THIS WAS JUST AN IDEA THAT POPPED (oops caps was on) into my head and i just started jotting down things so i wouldnt forget anything... i'll make sure to look at thesuggestions again when i can fix my errors

Pretty good, but only a story skeleton. Also, very short, and a LOT of grammar/spelling errors. You've got a good idea and plot, you just need to use a better... technique.
I am going to be totally harsh here, and correct every single mistake I see. Why, you may ask. It is because I am grounded and bored. Here goes:

Chapter 2- Mi's Strange Encounter

Mia's, I think you mean. Just a typo.

"Any homework dear?" asked Mia's mother, Mrs.Smith, as Mia walked through the door.

Who IS Mia's mother? We know nothing about her, or why she is so prim and proper, what she looks like, what she's doing when Mia comes in, what her and Mia's relationship is, or what she is thinking. We don't even know her first name! Her character has no depth, and there is no point to introducing her unless you build her up more. Also, the sentence structure is really odd. I would put something like "Mia's mother, Mrs. Smith, looked up as Mia walked through the door. "Any homework, dear?" she asked." The only other thing is there is a space after Mrs., and before Smith.

"Yes mother, they piled us down with homework tonight, I think I shall go to the Central Library to study." Mia replied in the same proper voice.

Who is "they"? You could say specifically which teacher, or you could just say "my teachers" or you could keep it as it is. I would reccommend changing it, though. I would also put a period after tonight instead of a comma. Also, I'd consider putting Candy Ville library instead of Central, because I don't know why it would be called central. After study there should be a comma instead of a period. Plus, in Mrs. Smith's dialougue, it said nothing about her being proper.


Oops, I ran out of time, and I need to do a ton of chores. I am sorry for being so hyper-critical, but I have nothing better to do.

thanks for being critical! i apretiate the help WHOLE lot!