This is now edited, different and hopefully better than the original post. Would love your thoughts on the new version!!
Lucyy xx
Here is my review #2 Be warned, I'm am going to be SUPER SUPER nitpicky because this is your second rewrite so...if I sound harsh, I apologize ahead of time.
lucyy wrote:Rosaline Radley stepped out of the bright yellow taxi and onto the sparkling How is is sparkling? Is it because of the sun? Be more specific. side-walk. She paid her driver, tipping him generously as she felt sorry for him having to put up with her moody looks all journey. Why is she moody? And why would the driver care? He drives moody people all the time... She gave him a bright, false smile and turned on her heel into the huge throng of people making their way into work. Rosaline couldn’t see left or right for the swarm of chatting, rushing, tired Lots of descriptions here, making this sentence kind of choppy. Work on making it smoother. people all around her.
Rosaline always loved the short walk to her office block. She loved to lose herself in the sea of people; it was a chance to become anonymous, not the point of curious stares and glances of her co-workers. I'm not sure what you mean by this last part of this sentence..."not the point of curious stares and glances of her co-workers"? Try to make more clear about what you mean?
It was a very hot day today, the sun [s]was[/s] beating down upon Rosaline and the crowd of New York; the heat was forming slight beads of perspiration on the back of her exposed neck. She had just placed one of her cool hands on the clammy, ivory skin of her neck, when she felt her cell phone vibrate from the depths of her purse. Again. Sighing, Rosaline came to an abrupt halt, causing a few people to shout out or glare at her, annoyed at her lack of thought of those around her.
Completely oblivious to the looks she was receiving, Rosaline moved over into the cool shade of a shop window and pulled open her purse. Delving into the untidy mess in her bag, she managed to fish out the flashing phone.
Rosetta.
Rosaline felt the threatening tears forming again at the corner of her eyes as she read the name that had called her for about the tenth time that morning. Can’t she just leave me alone? Rosaline thought to herself as she rejected the call and also turned her phone off for good measure. Couldn’t Rosetta just get the message that she didn’t want to hear about the perfect little family she and Kenso had created; she didn’t want to be reminded constantly of what could have been between her and Jared. It could have been her pregnant. What do you mean by the pregnant comment? Is Rosetta pregnant?? I know you said in the previous rewrite that she was but I would be more clear here. Also, I thought you did really well with this paragraph, describing her feelings and what-not, but you could even expand more, if you wanted. Just a thought to think about
Rosaline shook her head agitatedly to try and remove the torrent of thoughts and what-if’s she so very carefully kept locked away and out of bounds. Time to lock them back up again.
Rosaline leant against the glass shop window, pushing her neatly straightened fringe from her sticky forehead. Why was it so difficult? Why wouldn’t Rosetta just leave her alone, instead of constantly reminding her of what could have been?
Rosaline straightened up and mentally reprimanded herself for letting herself get into such a state, and let the strong padlock of her forbidden thoughts lock You use "lock" a lot. Find differnt words to use. them back up again. She dropped the silent phone into her purse, and pulled it firmly onto place on her shoulder. Rosaline Use "she" instead here turned round and inspected her rather distressed self in the empty shop window. Her piercing blue eyes instantly locked on the blonde roots peeking through her regularly dyed black hair; she needed to book a hairdresser’s appointment. After doing a mental checklist of her appearance: high shoes I can hardly walk in? Yes. Horrible black hair tied back? Yes. Boring black pencil skirt and jacket combo? Yes. Entirely unrecognisable from my old, fun, colourful self? Yes, yes, yes. Rosaline carried on her walk to the office block, her pained expression turning into a blank mask, so that if anyone was to glance in her direction, they would think she was a cold, boring woman. Which was true. She was no longer the Rosaline Radley Jared and her sister once knew; she was now a heartbroken soul, lost in a big city.
As Rosaline stepped into the huge office block, she was instantly reassured; work always helped her forget her problems. She waved a polite hello to Heidi, the receptionist, and made her way up the winding staircase, her black patent heels click-clacking on the marble surface. How can she be so nice to Heidi but be rude to the taxi driver?
“Rosaline, your sister left you an urgent message and wants you to ring back as soon as possible!” Rosaline’s secretary blurted out the moment she appeared at the top of the staircase.
Rosaline sighed inwardly and made her way over to Sienna’s wooden desk, which was placed conveniently outside her office door.
This was now getting beyond annoying. Why was Rosetta being so persistent? All the previously forgotten anxiousness that had disappeared was now reappearing rapidly. She had to get away from Sienna’s curious expression, no need for comma here before she crashed and burned again: she couldn’t let what happened earlier happen again infront of Sienna.
“Okay, thanks.” comma instead of a period after "thanks" Rosaline said to Sienna, handing over her expensive, but boring office jacket, We already know her jacket is boring. No need to repeat it. before heading into her secluded office, without giving her a second glance.
Sienna stood up with Rosaline’s jacket on her arm and shook her head disbelievingly at her boss’s lack of response to her sister’s distress. Rosaline had always seemed detached whenever her sister or her home life in England was ever mentioned, which Sienna found bizarre and couldn't quite understand, she was always talking about her family. Awkward Sentence. Rewrite needed
Rosaline closed the office door behind her and made her way over to her desk, placing her purse in the corner of the room. She sank down into her high backed leather chair, burying her hot face in her hands.
Moving over here to New York was every day proving to be harder than she ever thought it would have been. Even ten years on, she couldn’t get rid of the constant longing she had to see both her sister and Jared’s faces and to be back in England, where she undoubtedly really belonged.
Rosaline sat up and took a deep breath, blinking back the tears that had glazed over her eyes yet again. "Pull yourself together", she whispered to herself firmly. Thinking this, Rosaline turned on her computer monitor, desperate to rid her mind of those unwelcome thoughts threatening to break free.
When the computer had booted up, Rosaline clicked on the internet icon: she had decided to look at some news on the internet, to occupy her buzzing brain. Tapping in the address bar bbc.com, Rosaline opened up the BBC’s news section and clicked on the first headline she saw, without even registering what it said. Slowly she read the article, the unprepared for shock appearing on her face as she read it. Awkward Sentence againd. Rewrite needed.
A PREGNANT WOMAN WIDOWED BY TRAGIC CAR CRASH
Rosetta Leah, 29, was informed in the early hours of yesterday morning that her husband had died at the scene of a car crash on the M20 involving three cars.
Kenso Leah, 30, a leading journalist, was pronounced dead at the scene by Emergency Services, leaving his six-month pregnant wife, Rosetta Leah, and twin brother, Jared Leah, in complete despair.
The occupants of one of the two other cars were a family of three: Jaydn and Austin Miller (28 and 31) and their nine year old daughter comma Ashlyn. The occupant of the third car, Roger Karr, 25, was reported to be the cause of the crash.
On Thursday 23rd October, at 11pm, following extended investigations, Roger Karr was arrested and charged on three counts of drunk driving, dangerous driving and the manslaughter of Kenso Leah. It has also been reported that the family of three involved in the car crash, who only suffered minor injuries, will be pressing charges on Roger Karr for ‘putting their nine year old daughter’s life in jeopardy’.
The court case for Roger Karr will be held on Wednesday 29th October, where the fate of Roger Karr will be decided whilst the grieving family of Kenso Leah will be hanging on the hope that justice will be served.
By Christian Lee. Reported on the 24th October
Wow, this article was much better. So much more passionate. Good work, Lucyy!
“Oh … my … god …” Rosaline gasped. As though in a trance, Rosaline picked up her office phone and dialled Rosetta’s cell phone number.
“Oh, Rosetta!”
The padlock was about to be unlocked for good.
Thank you for your help and for reviewing it a second time
*extra happy lucy* & thank you so much for reading this & I'm glad you enjoyed it!!
hehe. And of course I'll check your work out, no problem, it's the least I can do & I love a bit of romantic fiction
How tragic.
Taking a quick sip of her latte she picked up on her walk in to work, she waved a polite hello to Heidi, the receptionist and made her way up the winding staircase, her black patent heels click-clacking on the marble surface.
& thank you for your thoughts, I will definitely look at emotion when I go go through this again. Thank you for your review - it was helful, so thank you again (: and sure I can PM you, no problem
hehe. Thank you again for taking your time to read and review it
She was no longer the Rosaline Radley Jared and her sister once knew; she was now a heartbroken soul, lost in a big city.
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