xx **
xx ** ), so I would like to know whether or not my setting of New York is okay or not - although I didn't do much setting at the beginning, but I would love to know what I could improve on to properly describe the city etc.
leaving his six months pregnant wife behind. How tragic.
Rosaline Radley was one of those people, her bright blue eyes gazing upon the horrific headlines, shaking her head in disbelief. Sometimes life could be really unfair, but didn’t she know that already?
Heidi the receptionist and made her way up the winding staircase
smart work jacket
“Okay, thanks,”
But she had always seemed detached whenever her sister or her home life in England was ever mentioned, which was slightly weird.
placing her handbag in the corner of the room. She sunk down into her high backed leather chair, placing the newspaper on the mahogany
Pull yourself together, she whispered to herself firmly, it’s no good wishing of what could be.
Rosetta Leah, 29, was informed in the early hours of yesterday morning that her husband had died on scene of a car crash on the M20 involving three cars.
Kenso Leah, 30, a leading journalist, was pronounced dead at the scene by Emergency Services, leaving his wife, Rosetta Leah, and twin brother, Jared Leah, in an agony of despair.
The occupants of one of the two other cars were a family of three: Jaydn and Austin Miller (28 and 31) and their nine year old daughter Ashlyn. The occupant of the third car, Roger Karr, 25, was reported to be the cause of the crash.
On Thursday 23rd October, at 11pm, following extended investigations, Roger Karr was arrested and charged on three counts of drunk driving, dangerous driving and the manslaughter of Kenso Leah. It has also been reported that the family of three involved in the car crash, who only suffered minor injuries, will be pressing charges on Roger Karr for ‘putting their nine year old daughter’s life in jeopardy’.
The court case for Roger Karr will be held on Wednesday 29th October, where the fate of Roger Karr will be decided whilst the grieving family of Kenso Leah will be hanging on the hope that justice will be served.
By Christian Lee. Reported on Friday 24th October
on scene of a car crash on the M20 involving three cars.
23rd OctoberWhen writing dates in an article, you put the number of the date, of, and then the month. So: the 23rd of October.
And thanks for the tip on English news, I wasn't too sure if you could get English papers over there or not - so I just chanced it, hehe d:
By Christian Lee. Reported on Friday 24th October
Kenso Leah, 30, a leading journalist, was pronounced dead at the scene by Emergency Services, leaving his wife, Rosetta Leah, and twin brother, Jared Leah, in an agony of despair.
But she had always seemed detached whenever her sister or her home life in England was ever mentioned, which was slightly weird.
“Oh, Rosetta!”
) and good point on the headline - I'll definitely be using that as a headline instead!! Thank you again for reading and reviewing this (:
Here by request and ready to review!
Carefully, the people of New York scanned the headlines, shaking their heads in astonishment: one man killed, leaving his six months pregnant wife behind.
Taking a quick sip of her latte she picked up on her walk in to work,
& I haven't yet decided whether Rosetta's baby is a boy or a girl ... (:
Chapter One
Another tragic car crash was splashed across the headlines of every English newspaper [Eh. DOn't lime 'every English newspaper. It tells us in the next line that your setting is in New York, so that detail is unnecessary.]. Carefully, the people of New York scanned the headlines, shaking their heads in astonishment [Every single person in New York is reading a paper? And they all have the same reaction? Huh. Seems kind of unrealistic...]: one man killed, leaving his six months pregnant wife behind. How tragic. [Okay, I don't think newspapers would write about this; there are bad car crashes pretty much every day, and they're so common that NONE of the newspapers write about it.]
Rosaline Radley was one of those people, her bright blue eyes gazing upon the horrific headlines, shaking her head in disbelief [You said the people were shaking their heads. We don't need to know this again. Give us another detail about this character you're introducing.]. Sometimes life could be really unfair, but didn’t she know that already?
Rosaline [I don't thing you need to use her name here, because you've just told us what it is. Use 'she' here.] picked up one of the English newspapers that were being sold outside her office block, [Comma unnecessary here.] before tucking it securely under her arm, [Again, no need for comma.] and pushing open the heavy glass doors.
Taking a quick sip of her latte [Comma here] she [Okay, now you should use her name again.] picked up on her walk in to work, she waved a polite hello to Heidi [Do it like this: Heidi--the receptionist--and made... Get it?] the receptionist and made her way up the winding staircase, her black patent heels click-clacking on the marble surface.
“Rosaline, your sister left you an urgent message and wants you to ring back as soon as possible!” Rosaline’s secretary blurted out the moment she appeared at the top of the staircase.
Rosaline sighed inwardly and made her way over to her secretary’s wooden desk, which was [Cut the 'which was'.] placed conveniently outside her office door.
This was now [Don't need the 'now'.] getting beyond annoying. Her sister was forever pestering and ringing her, but for some obscure reason today more than anything else. She had left several messages on both her home and cell phones, which Rosaline had deleted before listening to. [If her sister was calling her so often, you'd think the MC would listen to at least ONE message just in case it was an emergency. Pretty cold if she doesn't even bother to listen, if you ask me.]
“Okay, thanks,” Rosaline said to Sienna, handing over her smart work jacket, [Cut the comma.] before heading into her office, without giving her a second glance.
Sienna stood up, [Cut this comma.] with Rosaline’s jacket on her arm and shook her head disbelievingly at her boss’s lack of response to her sister’s distress. But she [Getting a little confusing. I know who 'she' is, but you need to specify here.] had always seemed detached whenever her sister or her home life in England was ever mentioned, which was slightly weird.
Rosaline closed the office door behind her and made her way over to her desk, placing her handbag in the corner of the room. She sunk [Should be sank.] down into her high backed leather chair, placing the newspaper on the mahogany desktop and buried her face in her hands. [Awkward sentence. Reword.]
Moving over here to New York was every day proving to be harder than she ever thought it would have been. Even ten years on, she couldn’t get rid of the constant longing she had to see both her sister and Jared’s faces and to be back in England, where she undoubtedly really belonged.
Rosaline sat up and took a deep breath, blinking back the tears that had glazed over her eyes. Pull yourself together, she whispered to herself firmly, it’s no good wishing of what could be. It’s the here and now that matters. Thinking this, Rosaline turned on her computer monitor and opened up the newspaper in front of her and started to read the short article about the car crash that had happened in England.
A woman, six months pregnant, widowed by tragic car crash
Rosetta Leah, 29, was informed in the early hours of yesterday morning that her husband had died on scene of a car crash on the M20 involving three cars.
Kenso Leah, 30, a leading journalist, was pronounced dead at the scene by Emergency Services, leaving his wife, Rosetta Leah, and twin brother, Jared Leah, in an agony of despair.
The occupants of one of the two other cars were a family of three: Jaydn and Austin Miller (28 and 31) and their nine year old daughter Ashlyn. The occupant of the third car, Roger Karr, 25, was reported to be the cause of the crash.
On Thursday 23rd October, at 11pm, following extended investigations, Roger Karr was arrested and charged on three counts of drunk driving, dangerous driving and the manslaughter of Kenso Leah. It has also been reported that the family of three involved in the car crash, who only suffered minor injuries, will be pressing charges on Roger Karr for ‘putting their nine year old daughter’s life in jeopardy’.
The court case for Roger Karr will be held on Wednesday 29th October, where the fate of Roger Karr will be decided whilst the grieving family of Kenso Leah will be hanging on the hope that justice will be served.
By Christian Lee. Reported on Friday 24th October
“Oh … my … god …” Rosaline gasped, as her shaky hands dropped the newspaper onto the desktop.
As though in a trance, Rosaline picked up her office phone and dialled Rosetta’s cell phone number.
“Oh, Rosetta!”
[Whoa. Names are just too similar, and make it too confusing. Please - even if it's a key to the story or something - change that. I just won't be able to keep up and will mix up the two characters f their names are so close.]
thank you also for following this story & I totally agree with you, more description is definately needed
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