A Titleless Story (2)

Thank you everyone for your critiques, they came in soo helpful in the process of altering this. I hope this is alot better, but critique is still very much welcome!!
Thank you all very much & off I go & make a start on altering part two!
Lucyy xx

Hey Luc! I'm back and ready to critique! Hope this one is just as helpful as the last one

And I'm afraid it won't be because I found absolutely nothing wrong with this! You did so well with the rewrite. So much more description and expansion.

Wonderful Work!

Thank you so much ashley, I'm glad you like it yayy so happy
& thank you so much for reading it and just thank you (i say that too much d: )
Lucyy xxxx

Look at Lucy go with all her reviews, Little miss popular over hurr(:
Haha okay let's see...

Oh.. wow. Just, wow - great job. There's nothing wrong with it (from my perspective)
you mastered it all, Lucy!
WOW! Great job :D:D

Yayy so pleased thank youuuu (: I worked so hard at the improvement, I'm glad you liked it woop woop, so happy & lol i know, i would never have thought so many people would read and review my work - it's surreal d:
Thank you daytripper for reviewing this for a second time & i'm so glad you like it
Lucyy xx

Haha no problem!

Yeah I got my quote html thing ready and I was like oh my god - nothing's wrong!

Hey there luccy!!!

Here are some things that I liked...

Rosaline and Jared are adorable together. I also like how both the couples are twins, it makes the story more interesting. I always used to wonder about how this would work out mean. I mean, if one couple gets married it would be kinda weird....

You also have a very simple, elegant way of describing things. Its not too overwhelming and it doesn't poke the reader in the eyes, if you know what I mean? I think they call it purple prose?

Things that can be improved...

I felt that Rosaline was like a robot. I mean you described what she saw perfectly and you can feel her every emotion, its just that I can't get inside of her head. I feel like Edward wondering aimlessly what Bella is thinking (sorry about the Twilight comparison ^_^) Make us hear what she feels instead of seeing. Make her real.

Other than that, your characters are developed well and with a few more tweaks here and there this can be greater than it already is.

Keep writing,

~Angie

Thank you so much for reading this, and your suggestions, I will definitely take into account what you said, and work on improving her character's depth, so thank you for pointing that out!!
--Lucyy xx

Hey.
Well. this was great. I have never reveiwed something from one of the "Romantic Fiction" pages but i will definatly be back for more of this. I LOVED it. Its a really interesting plot and im not going to waste your time telling you what mistakes you have made because a lot of people above me alreay have. Well done. You have talent.

Thank you so much *beams at your comment* - you're too kind =D. Thank you also for taking your time to read and review this, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!
--Lucyy xx

He carried the tray of burnt toast and orange juice over to Rosaline and placed it on the wooden bedside table.

This made me giggle, he seems so proud of himself!

She was in her sister’s room

Ok, why were they in her sisters room?!

Again, this was great, well done!