A Titleless Story (2)

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

Hiya, I'm back [ again ] and as requested, I will review your story!(:

“Come on Rosaline, we’re going to be late!” Rosetta called up the staircase to her twin sister, who, as always, was running late.

Alright - I think you have a coma fever. d: Take out the coma after 'who' and 'always'.

“Well he won’t be seeing it ‘till we get to the party, I’m keeping it a surprise, but I’m glad you like it.”

Actually, you're doing fairly well with your coma's now!(: but the coma after party should be a dash.

non

None

ballroom, at the couples dancing along to the Christmas-y music.

Take out the coma after ballroom and change 'Christmas-y' to Christmas - like music.

Jared as he attempted to make Rosaline breakfast in bed.

How would she know this when she just woke up?

f them both wrapped in each other’s arms.

Since you've already used that say "...of them together."


Characters:


Rosaline and Jared: They are an adorable couple. Rosaline should show more thought though, and Jared should show more thought. Maybe even some description on what they look like would help too.


Rosetta and Kenso: Interesting names, but they seem happy all together. I can feel the sisterly vibe between her and her twin sister which is great. They are obviously not your main characters, but they are given a great deal of participation which is also great.



Plot: Wait... if they get Married, then that means Jared and Rosaline can't be together because they'll be brother and sister in law?! WOW! I would have never had thought of something as creative as that! Good Job!!


Overall: Lucy, you did amazingly well on this. I can't even say how much, sorry, better this was from your other pieces. You really seem to want to make this a good story and you have. Your run-on and coma nazi is pleased with how well you were able to control that fever! haha. The overall story was amazing and I'm proud of you!(:

Any questions, you know what to do(:

Lucyy-
First off...his name's Jared. Hehe. Like 30 seconds to Mars Jared...Leto. Anyway, let me start. you know that I don't do what you do when reviewing. I do my own thing...just to let you know.
well I don't think it was that long, it gave you more insight of the characters.
dude, so they're like twins? both the guys and girls? that's so cool! {never really met a twin}
I just love the chemistry between Jared and Rosaline. The moonlight dancing, those desirable kisses and just the passion they have for each other.
okay, I have to say that the breakfast was hilarious! For me, I guess it's hard for men to make breakfast.
The wedding thing was maybe a little to fast for Kenso and Rosetta. But I guess there's a purpose behind that.
oh, and I like how this is 15 yrs. into the past. it gives you what happened back then.
What's going to happen for Jared and Rosaline? STOP! Don't tell me. I wanna read on...
so yes, this is how I review. it may not be helpful, but it's how I do it.
-Merry

~pm me when the next ch. goes up~

Daytripper --
Thank you so much for your help, I will alter those mistakes straightaway (: & thank you so much, I'm so glad you like the story already yayy hehe. Aww, you're so sweet (:

Merry --
Haha, well i'm just a nit-picky reviewer, but i like your reviews too hehe
Lol, my friend loves 30 seconds to mars & I'm just starting to get into them, lol so weird you mention the band hehe
Lol thank you so much, glad you like it & don't worry I won't tell you what happens yet.

Thank you so much both of you for reading & revieiwng this & I'm so glad you like this!!
A very happy lucy (: xxx

Gosh- I love this story so far. Thanx for private messaging me or I would have missed out on this great chapter. Although I loved it I have to critique it so that it can get much better. I mean, not that it wasn't already great, but.......okay I'm just gonna critique.


Jared’s hand froze in place at the top of Rosetta’s thigh and he felt Rosetta’s profile stiffen beneath his hand. [quote]

Shouldn't his hand be on Rosaline's thigh. That confused me, but it's probably just a typo. And in other parts of the story I thought it moved to fast. You could have described the romance between Jared and Rosaline a bit more. Plus I didn't know Kenso and Rosetta were so close that they wanted to get married. Maybe you should explain their love a little bit more as well. On the flip side I think you did an excellent job on the first part of a really good story.


P.S. The Titleless Story is actually growing on me as a title. Oh, and describe the characters more. I really only knew that rose and rosa had blue eyes and blonde hair. CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE!!!

Hey. Just letting you know that WILL get back to this - I'm out of time right now, and I can't even glance at it. But know that I will give you a cirtique, as requested, soon

Hey, Lucyy! I wanted to repay you the favor of reviewing, since you read my whole series, which I greatly appreciate by the way

But, back to your story…

I thought it was good. You had all the elements of a wonderful love story. But I do think that you rushed to the end, as though excited to get there. I felt that you skipped over some important details, like the relationship between Kenso and Rosetta. I think you could have gone into more detail there.

Also, I felt that at the end, where you were describing both twins was VERY confusing. You have to somehow make the twins unique from each other. Like maybe Jared has a mole on his cheek that Kenso doesn’t….or Rosetta has dimples. Something like that because I was kind of lost there.

I did notice with your sentences that you use semicolons when you don’t need to. Here are a few that I noticed:

Following which, she appeared at the top of the staircase and gave a little twirl; her blue eyes alight with excitement.

Rosaline asked, sliding her shaky hands down the side of her backless, blue satin dress; the exact same colour as both of the sisters’ eyes.

These two sentences with the semicolons are incorrect. Just simply change the semi’s to normal commas and it will work

Now, you seem to do the opposite as well. Here are a few sentences that instead of commas could use semi’s:

Rosaline laughed lightly at his eager expression, he knew she hated burnt toast, but she tucked into the breakfast nonetheless.

The comma after “expression” should be a semi.

She looked at Kenso, his face identical to his stiff twin brother’s sitting beside her, his emerald green eyes were sparkling with excitement and happiness and love for her twin sister sitting opposite her.

The comma after “sitting beside her” should be a semi.

Another thing is with dialogue, you missed using a comma instead of a period in a few spots:

“We’re in a room full of people!” She scalded quietly, glancing around the grand ballroom, at the couples dancing along to the Christmas-y music.

Should be a small “s” on “she”

“Dancing.” Rosaline answered defiantly.

Comma instead of a period after “dancing”

“Anyway, breakfast time!” He said enthusiastically, gesturing over to the tray of burnt toast.

Small “h” on “he”

“I’m glad I could change you opinion on burnt toast.” Jared replied, winking at Rosaline.

Comma instead of a period after “toast”

Then I noticed just a few spelling things:

Rosaline pulled a way from the kiss, slightly out of breath, but with a mischievous grin plastered on her face.

“away” is one word

Removing his hands from her waist, Jared swiftly lifted Rosaline’s petite frame into his arms, and carried her over to the car waiting for them in the gravelled hotel driveway.

“graveled” instead of “gravelled”

Otherwise, I did find this extremely adorable. I loved the part where Jared was making her breakfast. Very cute

Keep up the good work, Lucyy!

ummmm...they could still be together even thought his brother and her sister are together. i know that kinda of sick.

i don't see anything wrong with this chapter. But can i share some of my ideas with you? it's totally up to you sinee this is your story.


by the way, chapter four of Poison Love is up.

Hiya! Sorry it took me so long to get over here and review this. I've had your PM sitting in my inbox far too long.

Also, I didn't think that this was too long. It was a good size for a chapter. My chapters are always wayy too short.

[quote="lucyy"
“Well he won’t be seeing it ‘till we get to the party, I’m keeping it a surprise, but I’m glad you like it.” [/quote]

This seems a bit long. Maybe put a semi-colon before but?

“I’m glad I could change you opinion on burnt toast.” Jared replied, winking at Rosaline.

You should be your.

“In my bedroom, you left them last time you were here.” Rosaline replied, giggling lightly to herself.

For some reason I can't picture someone giggling after saying that. It just doesn't fit, you know? Just a suggestion, keep it if you like.

She looked at Kenso, his face identical to his stiff twin brother’s sitting beside her, his emerald green eyes were sparkling with excitement and happiness and love for her twin sister sitting opposite her.

Wait! They're two sets of twins? I didn't know that! Maybe you mentioned it in the prologue and I didn't pick up on, or you never mentioned it at all. Either way, I think you could mention this beforehand.

Overall: This felt like a second prologue. The writing was good, but a plot seemed to be lacking. And why were they so upset that they were getting married? I'm assuming that's something you'll address in the next chapter. The descriptions were pretty good, the writing was good, but I was beginning to loose interest halfway through. However, the potential is definitely there, and it seems like you'll expand more on everything in the coming chapters. When you post them, PM me! I'd like to see how everything plays out.

-Shannon

Hey! Cute story, and I really enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately, I don't think your premise will work. As far as I know, it's allowed for people to marry if they're brother and sister-in-law. Correct me if I'm wrong...but I have seen a case where that happened! Two sisters married two different brothers, and it was perfectly legal! They told their story at some family conference thing we went to. Any questions, feel free to pm!

OMG that was the greatest romantic fiction story i had ever read! if u are writing a book, or have already written one, tell me, okay? you have some raw talent! your sooo good! it brought tears to my eyes

really cute story

nice cute story. i think there are few punctuation problems. do erase them

Having just got back from holiday I'm so overwhelmed at all the comments I've got & I can't thank you all enough for reading my story & critiquing it to help make it better, it means a lot to me so thank you ....
& I will alter this to make sure I have detailed descriptions of my characters as you all pointed out (rightly so) there was hardly any, oops hehe

In the moonlight:
No problem, I'm glad I remembered to PM you hehe & thanks so much for your critique, I will get to altering it straight away. Thank you for your help & I'm really glad you're enjoying this (:

ashleylee:
No problem, I extremely enjoyed reading Poisoned Roses & I've spied that you've posted another two chapters, which I must read Anyways, thank you for reading & critiquing this & I will get to altering what you've pointed out straightaway. It was very helpful, so thank youuu (:

night mistress:
yeah, they could still be together if they wanted to, but Rosaline doesn't see it like that, I think I need to make that more clear, which I will do ... & yeah, any ideas or tips for me is totally welcome & i shall be looking at the next chapter to Poison Love as soon as, thank you for telling me & thank you so much for reading this (:

salashanno:
I'm glad you liked the size, I was a bit worried that I had made it too long & thank you for pointing out the punctuation, I shall definitely get to altering that straight away & yeah I really think I need to make it clear about the whole issue of being related by marriage and stuff, so thank you for pointing it out & thank you again for reading it (:

wiggy:
thnak you & i know its probably legal but I'm trying to address the ethical issues that Rosaline has of the whole being in love with my brother-in-law thing, which I really need to make clear lol & thanks for reading (:

emmasweetie100:
You are too sweet, thank you so much, you've made my day (: hehe & thank you (again)

praisejoe:
I'm glad you like the story & yeas I'll definitely be addressing all my punctuation problems hehe & thank you for reading this

Thank you all so much for your kind comments & ever so helpful critiques, it made coming back to dreary england worth it hehe. I will try & alter everything as soon as possible & thank you again for reading this,
Lucyy xx

The promised critique. Sorry it took so long.

“Alright, alright, I’m coming!”

Should be all right.

“I think so,” she smiled mischievously.

Can't smile words. Period instead of comma.

“We’re in a room full of people!” She scalded quietly, glancing around the grand ballroom, at the couples dancing along to the Christmas-y music.

I believe you mean she scolded (the S should NOT be capitalized). Also, there is no need for comma after ballroom.

“Dancing.” Rosaline answered defiantly.

This doesn't add up. She acts like a prude, but then a moment later she's inviting him back to her place?

“Anyway, breakfast time!” He said enthusiastically

Small h

“In my bedroom, you left them last time you were here.” Rosaline replied, giggling lightly to herself

.
Comma instead of period.


First off, you could have made the tension in the moment where Rosetta announced the engagement much more tense. There were two things that did not make sense to me: One, Rosaline freaked out when she heard her sister come home. So why did she suddenly not care and they walked in half-naked. The second thing is, why are they both so upset at the end? Just because the other two are getting married doesn't mean they can't.

Otherwise, I can honestly say I wasn't bored. I also didn't skim. So you're doing something right.

Keep writing.