Young Writers Society

Good start to the story.

I agree, i think it should just start with her walking through the park rather than the little introduction part.

And i'm glad that you didn't go into too much detail with the rape. I personally would have been very uncomfortable, but then again, being an author is about making your readers feel happy, sad, or even uncomfortable, so maybe it could do with more description?

Kadie x

oh my god that was the scariest thing I have had to read in my life so far!!!

Hello, there! Sorry if I repeat anything the others have said before me. ^_^

My hair was drenched; [comma instead] the hood on my sweatshirt wet all the way through.

A semicolon is used to separate two complete, independent sentences -- sentences that can stand alone. Does that make any sense? Lol

‘I’m sure I look just great. [comma instead]’ I told myself with a sigh.

You could use italics for thoughts instead. ^^

They were late, [no comma] again. I shouldn’t have been surprised, [semi or period] they were always late. Stupid boys. John and Aaron were supposed to meet me at the park over an hour ago, and yet they weren’t there. My mind kept telling me to just walk to John’s house, [semi or period or dash] it wasn’t that far away, and I was positive his mother would let me in. But the idea of walking up the hill to get there seemed too daunting.

Underlined: I'd say combine it with the previous sentence, but it would make it a run-on. Maybe change but to however?

Also, commas are not used to separate sentences. Semis and periods tend to do that. ^^

My fingers were cold, [no comma] and shoving them into my damp pockets just wasn’t helping anymore.

There must be a complete sentence on each side of the and in order to have a comma.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I must have walked into the wrong bathroom. [comma instead]” I told him apologetically.

Wait, I thought she was outside. Where is she?

I backed away from him, searching with my hand behind me to find the door. Before I could get there he grabbed me, [s]gripping my arms hard[/s] tightly gripping my arms till I lost feeling [not very good]. Something about the crazed look in his eyes terrified me, [semi or period] I realized I was shaking.

My example to replace what you had is not very good, but ending with hard there is improper [for lack of better word] use of adverbs. I would put an -ly at the end of hard, but it would be completely different.

At this point, I'm confused. I don't know where they are to make the assumption what bathroom they're at. So I'm not really shocked? If it's just a normal bathroom for no specific gender, then I don't feel terrified for her. I find it almost stupid for her to "back away" from him like she did. I didn't see the crazed look in the guy's eyes 'til after you told me.

“Please, let me go. I didn’t do anything bad I swear. [no comma?]” I sobbed.

The reason I question is because I don't know if I sobbed is the tag or if it's a separate sentence.

He laughed at me [s]then[/s]; [s]still[/s] I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t know what this man wanted with me, [semi instead] my innocence was showing far too much.

He threw me to the floor, and I hit my knee hard before I fell completely. He covered me with his large body, the physical contact making me feel sick. I felt him trying to roll me over, and I kicked out with my legs as hard as I could. My tiny body was not strong enough to fight him off.

His other hand was pulling my pants down, and still in the back of my mind, I had no idea what was going on.

“I’m going to make you a woman. [comma instead]” [s]He[/s] he whispered to me.

It took him a while, but finally he had me naked beneath him. I struggled against him still, [no comma] but to no avail. I felt something pushing against my private parts, and then came the pain. It was Unlike anything I had ever felt before.

The man rubbed his hands all over my face and body. “You are such a pretty little girl. [comma instead] ” [s]He[/s] he told me.

I whimpered but didn’t say anything, [period instead] in my mind, I begged God to strike this man down before me. But nothing happened. When he finished, he told me I was his favorite so far. Then he left me lying there.

You have something going here, dear. ^^

I caught some grammatical shtuff. You can choose to ignore some of it to keep your style of writing, as long as you keep it consistent and realize what the correct way is. I made all other comments above.

I gotta go. Sorry I couldn't elaborate! ^^;

Jabber, the One and Only!

I've read the first four chapters, but have only just decided to critique. I want to d more Romance, and this isn't too mushy.

Isn’t it funny how years can turn you into what you swore you would never be? When I was ten I promised myself I would never smoke, yet here I sit taking drag after drag off of a cheap cigarette. I breathe in and savor the flavor of smoke in my lungs, the bitter taste playing on my tongue. I told myself time and time again I would never be like her, my mother. Yet I look in the mirror and I am the spitting image of what I used to despise.

I love this beginning! Can I steal it? It's awesome. I like how you described the taste of the cigarette (I don't think I could ever smoke), and it's so true, you can turn into what you hate.

I suppose it’s not fair to start you off in the middle of my story, so let’s take a moment to go back in time and take a look. Maybe I can answer some of my own questions about how I became who I am today.

Not as good. I've never been fond of the, let me take you back to when it all began, thing. I do like the last bit, though. But I'd try to find something different to put in here.

‘I’m sure I look just great.’ I told myself with a sigh.

Is she beging sarcastic? Because I can't work it out. I don't think you're going to look particularly good when you're drenched.

I kicked a rock with my toe and watched it skip along the ground. My fingers were cold, and shoving them into my damp pockets just wasn’t helping anymore. I growled in frustration and started off towards the bathroom, hoping to find a hand dryer to stick my sweatshirt under. I opened the door and was shocked to find a man standing there.

I think you can do better here. 'I was shocked to see a man standing there'. You don't sound very suprised. I'd try,

I frowned with bewilderment when I saw an old man standing in front of me, but assumed I had made a mistake.

He laughed at me then; still I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t know what this man wanted with me, my innocence showing far too much.

I don't like this bit. When you say that you still didn't understand what was going on, you sound as if you do. And I was a bit confused at, my innocence showing far too much. When I first read it I was thinking physically, but now I'm not sure.

He threw me to the floor and I hit my knee hard before I fell completely. He covered me with his large body, the physical contact making me feel sick. I felt him trying to roll me over and I kicked out with my legs as hard as I could. My tiny body not strong enough to fight him off.

I'm imagining this bit as she was thrown back, and therefore I dn't think she would hit her knee. Also, you should join the last sentence with the previous one.

Overall, I quite like this os far, which is hard because it's Romance. Well, not yet, but it's in Romantic Fiction. I'll do chapter two later today.

Hey there.

All the writing errors have been previously pointed out - there is no point in me going over them.

I really liked this. It contained enough poignant emotion to make the reader feel sick (which is good!). There were certain lines that really gripped me and I enjoyed your to the point, no holes barred style.

What I would say is something that I think Sam has pointed out. Your rapist seems a bit too much like the typical bad guy - evil man. He has no real desperation and no self - loathing which I think could work well here. He needs to be more real, some sort of description of his leering face or what he was wearing. Something that turns him into a walking nightmare.

Some more description would be good. What you have so far is excellent but you could put in more smell, sounds etc, more heartbreaking details.

All the best and keep writing,
Alainna
xxx

OverEasy wrote:This is a story based off of my life, however some details were changed slightly.


Warning: this chapter deals with graphic rape. It will become a love story of sorts but for starters it is not all happy and lovey. Just thought I would warn you.

So, this is a very personal piece of work. I'm about to rip it to pieces. It is nothing personal, it is meant to help you with your work.

Generally, it is a good idea not to write stories based too closely off real life (unless it's an autobiography.)

Bad Girls Need Love Too

Chapter 1

Isn’t it funny how years can turn you into what you swore you would never be? When I was ten I promised myself I would never smoke, yet here I sit taking drag after drag off of a cheap cigarette. I breathe in and savor the flavor of smoke in my lungs, the bitter taste playing on my tongue. I told myself time and time again I would never be like her, my mother. Yet I look in the mirror and I am the spitting image of what I used to despise.

I suppose it’s not fair to start you off in the middle of my story, so let’s take a moment to go back in time and take a look. Maybe I can answer some of my own questions about how I became who I am today.

Bad start. You started in the middle of the story and you kept it, even though the narrator acknowledged that it was better to start from the beginning. Start from the beginning!

March 23, 2002.

(11 years old)

All ready I'm worried. Generally, you should only give information on a need to know basis, and only if you can do it in the context of the story. The date isn't so big a deal, but the age of the victim seem to be just thrown in. You should find a way to incorporate it into the story.

I walked through the park impatiently, the constant Washington rain beating down on me. My hair was drenched; the hood on my sweatshirt wet all the way through. ‘I’m sure I look just great.’ I told myself with a sigh.

Two things immediately stand out. First, you moved your character from narrator to participant. A narrator tells the story, a participant is actually living the story. So the voice went from passive to active. There is no transition for this, so it kind of caught me off guard.

The second thing was that the phrase "Washington rain" is kind of ambiguous. I think you may be referring to Washington State, but it rains in DC as well. It works well if you've ever been to Washington, but it means absolutely nothing to someone unfamiliar with either location. It would be better to describe the quality of Washington rain. Does the rain come down in fat cold drops? Or warm narrow mists?

They were late, again. I shouldn’t have been surprised, they were always late. Stupid boys. John and Aaron were supposed to meet me at the park over an hour ago, and yet they weren’t there. My mind kept telling me to just walk to John’s house, it wasn’t that far away and I was positive his mother would let me in. But the idea of walking up the hill to get there seemed too daunting.

I think it is unusual that a character would wait an hour. If the character is patient, then it works. If your character is impatient then it is unlikely to happen. So this is more of a warning to keep your character in check.

Having looked at the rest, I think there is little more I can add to it that others haven't said all ready.

Hello! The numbers next to the highlighted part correspond with the 'highlighted comments' below.




NOTE: The last sentence is comment number 25. It was the only sentence on the third paper, though, and I didn't want to add another one just for that.

Highlighted Comments

1. The things she notices here are great, but not at the beginning. This should come MUCH later on.
2. Honestly? I hated this paragraph. There’s no need for it, and it could be ditched easily.
3. If you change the above like I suggested, you don’t need the date.
4. Show us in your writing – don’t come right out and say it. If you needed, you could even have her mother see the man in court one day and scream ‘she was only 11!’ Something to slip it in…
5. If you do get rid of the rest, you’ll need a more catchy beginner sentence.
6. Did she mumble it to herself or say it in her head? If it’s out loud, use quotes. If not, I suggest showing that she was thinking it, to make it more clear.
7. I wouldn’t say this. SHOW us instead. We already know they’re late. Show us her looking at her watch, glancing at the park gate, etc.
8. Expand, or leave out. I’d actually just show her look at the hill, contemplate whether she should climb it to get to his house or not, and decide not to. Show us through actions.
9. Suggestion: ‘wasn’t helping.’ Don’t get too wordy.
10. Okay, here is where you need to anticipation. Show us her walking down to the bathroom. It’s raining, right? So what are the people around her doing? Does she run into someone? Does someone open an umbrella right in her face? Lead up to this sentence more. And SHOW us her being shocked. If he’s going to the bathroom and she’s that young, she’ll be scarred. You can show her staring, wide-eyed, shocked. Then she can stammer and run out, but he can zip up his pants and say something like, ‘oh, it’s fine.’ She’s eleven; he’ll probably try to calm her at first. Make her trust him. It’ll make it that much easier on his part, right?
11. We know this! Don’t use ly words, especially here. And expand! We know there’s a man in there, but who’s in the wrong bathroom? What’s she see in there? What’s she SMELL in there? (It’s a bathroom, most likely men’s. It’s going to be gross.)
12. No no no no! Urgh! This is supposed to be terrifying, and it’s not! Hm…get prepared for a rant.
So, what’s going on here? You need to define what’s happening earlier, like I’ve already pointed out. What’s his reaction? Does he yell at her? Try to calm her? His reaction will then affect hers. If he yells, she’ll run. If not, she won’t be as afraid. What do his fingers feel like? His breath smell like? Take this one moment, and EXPAND.
13. I personally hate this word – always have. It’s kind of an excuse to show that they’re upset, and I find myself laughing at the character when I hear this. Show us that she’s upset. Also, maybe have her apologize that she was in the wrong bathroom? Something…
14. Show don’t tell. What’s happening around her?
15. You do what I do! Starting everything with pronouns. This, again, is a show don’t tell moment.
16. Expand, and I’d ditch ‘again.’ Maybe his whole body shakes and he laughs?
17. Show don’t tell.
18. Powerful quote, but you can make it even more so. In a paragraph proceeding this, I’d say that he leaned down, close to her ear. Then ‘I’m going to make you a woman’ can be it’s own paragraph.
19. Still, expand, and show don’t tell.
20. This is where you show less. I’m not here to read porn – don’t make me. However, this can still be done well. Just focus on everything else, and show us the pain.
21. Expand.
22. Too quick. This can be expanded. Sex isn’t just in and out, in and out – show us the other parts. That way it’s not porn, but we know what’s happening. An ELEVEN year old is being raped – what must be on her mind?
23. EXPAND.
24. Good – I’ve heard that people try to do this. Expand on this emotion, though. Show us her obsession with covering herself. Does she think that everyone knows what happened when she walks out? Does she feel filthy?
25. This isn’t very good, no offense. It’s something to drag us into the next chapter, but it doesn’t. Maybe end with something hinting at the next part? Just make a definite ending that’s also left open (if that makes sense.)

Overall Comments

I know what I wrote above can be rambly, but I kind of just pointed out the areas that need improvement. Others have told you how to expand, so LISTEN TO THEM! ;P Especially Sam. I’m in a rush, though, so I’m just going to leave it at that. Hopefully me pin-pointing the areas helped.

Personal Comments

This is where I stop referring to the narrator as ‘she’ and accept the fact that this is about you.

First of all, I’m SO sorry. This should never happen. Not to anyone. I want to find this person and hurt him, but I’ll try to refrain. ;P

I actually wrote about my experiences with my father recently. (Not rape, though.) I know how difficult it is to write about something this scarring, so I salute you for doing this. You just need to try and detach yourself a bit. (Editing makes it much better. It’s easier to fix than to write; trust me.)

The thing is, you were there. You know all of the tiny details – give them. All of them. The smallest things we need to know (but through SHOWING.) You could easily break our hearts here, because you EXPERIENCED this. We’re sorry that it happened, but I don’t feel for the character you. Show us how vulurnable you were, how terrified. What did you do for comfort? Did you try to fight him despite his size? Give us everything, and leave us crying.

Good try, but you do need to expand in the areas I’ve pointed out. (Again, go back to Sam’s post.) *Hugs* I’m so sorry.

PM me with any questions, or if you’d like anything else critiqued! (Really – I’m trying for another star.)

(And PM me if you ever need to talk. I can’t relate to rape, but I have had bad experiences with men, and I know what it’s like to be wary of all men. Also, I’m a good listener. ;P)

~JFW1415

i don't like rapists. i think they should have their gentails cut off for what they do to poeple.

i like it. i hope you put up another one soon.

Thats sad.
But its good writing

Hey. I really really like this. It's sad, but it was very well written. I was believabel. Not sure if that is a good word to use, but I hope you get the idea. This probable wasen't easy to write, but you did an amazing job in writing it.

I am so sorry that actual happened to you. That is a tragic thing to happen to someone.

And I agree with ashleylee, I loate men like that and they shouldn't be around walking the streets.

Everyone has already said so, but... it's sad. Elaborate on her weakness more. Describe her pain, too, like “then the pain came” doesn’t really cut it. I want to read more, too, I like your character already even though there isn't much to go off yet.

This is started out fine. No, not the little snip before the actual chapter, but the way the chapter begins. You narrate very well, using a few words to make us picture where you're at, and little phrases like "stupid boys" may be generic but still manage to capture the mind of the character well. I was enjoying this. I really was. And then the rapist came in. No, I wasn't disgusted. No, I wasn't shocked. I was pretty much amused. Have you seen those flash videos that are always popping around the internet, where random things happen just because they're supposed to be funny? Two people are talking about. Bam. A plane crashes on top of them. You get laughs.

This was too sudden. There was no build up to it. Which I suppose is the way real life is, but still you should've lingered in her innocence more. Have her do something before going to the bathroom. Have her think about the boys some more. But that's not all. The rapist isn't real. Look, I can't claim I've been raped, or abused, or even met a rapist, so I can't talk about this as if I absolutely knew the way they're supposed to act, but in my mind, a rapist just doesn't grab the girl and do their business. They talk to them. They try to get them to come closer. The girl notices there's danger. The rapist says to the girl: "You're really pretty." The girl tries to get away, but he's grabbing her. "You're so very pretty." Rapists, I believe, always convince themselves that they're seducing the girl, that the girl wants this.

Random Thought #183: “Please, let me go. I didn’t do anything bad I swear.” As good as this line of dialogue is, it feels out of place. She says it too quickly. Like I said, you should've built up the rape. And you should separate that line, when the tension reaches it's zenith: "Please! Let me go!" I was crying, blah, blah, blah. "I didn't do anything bad--! I swear!"

OK. And the beginning made me sigh. I promised myself I would never smoke, but now I'm smoking, I'm so bad. So what if she's smoking? Yeah, smoking can kill you but you look cool. That's a fact. I don't smoke but often wish I would. But I can see what you're saying is actually pretty insightful. Of how we can become the things we swore we would never be. I just wish you didn't come out and say it. You should've left it like an unsaid message. Other than that it's fine, although I don't know how necessary it is. And the end, the part of how it isn't fair to start in the middle of the story, sounds silly because it's been done a thousand times. You could keep it there, but do it more talky. In fact, first person narration should be more like a person speaking to you. But that's just style and I don't want to tell you how to write your story. Hell, I'm losing my train of thought here.

Random Thought #196: Make the rape more violent and graphic. Let there be blood, scratches, tears, mocus, sweat and punching. Make us feel physically ill. Right now, it just isn't shocking enough.

Overall, you write good. You've just structured your story a bit badly. Do it over. Extend the beginning. Keep in mind though, that I'm not an authority of any kind, and you can listen to me or not. I always feel like I'm talking with much too self-rightousness. If that's the word. OK, good job and good bye.

Wow I like this a lot I really want to read more please please please write more. I like most of the people who have commented hate rapists but have never had to deal with anything like that nor know anyone who has so I'm new to this subject. I guess I can relate to the girl's innocence in the part where she is talking about how she doesn't undertand what he is doing. I like that I can at least relate to this in some way, I think it is good when people can relate to things...this is really sad but I do want to read more. Keep writing!

You were good at writing this.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
So keep posting!

I despise people who could even think about doing that to any person
on your story; the descriptions were great and the reader can totally get a sense of the emotions going through your m.c.'s mind... i actually teared up a little.
Great writing.

- Domenique