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Young Writers Society


Hope ch. 1



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Gender: Female
Points: 1014
Reviews: 6
Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:19 am
CsJ93 says...



He held a part of my hair in his long fingers and let it slide through them. “Your hair is getting so long.” I ran a hand through my long thick hair and nodded. “I love it,” he whispered, holding me tight against him. I rested my head against his shoulder and breathed in his scent. He kept playing with my hair for awhile until the phone rang. He got up to answer it. I watched him talk to his sister Chelsea. His hair wasn’t combed so it hung shaggy and ruffled on his head. He was wearing his garments and blue pajama bottoms.
I played with my wedding ring that was on my finger. Chelsea was telling him about her COW at EFY. Crush Of the Week. It was her last year at EFY camp and she just got back from it yesterday. I walked into our bathroom and looked in the mirror. My hair was getting really long. It went clear past my chest and almost to my belly button. I was also wearing my garments but I was wearing one of Greg’s big t-shirts. It said BYU on it and had a cougar head underneath it. I brushed my teeth and hair then went to sit on the bed again. Greg looked over at me and winked. I smiled back at him and signed the word ‘Hello’.
“Sarah says, hello.” He told his sister. I could hear her through the phone –she talked so loud! –telling Greg that she said hey back and to tell her about Jack. “Ok, I will. Tell mom I said hi…ok…I will…alright then, I’ll talk to you later gater.” He smiled and hung up the phone and looked over at me. I crooked my finger and gave him a tight lipped playful smile.
“Chelsea just got back from EFY and she met a guy in her company named Jack. He was her COW. She said that he escorted her all over and asked her to the banquet.” I grinned and propped my head up with my hand and laid on my side looking up at him. Greg went over to our cherry wood dresser and pulled out a pair of jeans. “Apparently he’s the cutest boy she’s ever seen.” He chuckled and pulled on the jeans. I smiled and rolled my eyes. His younger sister was such a character. She had the same dark brown hair and blue eyes as Greg. She was 17 and about to go into her senior year of high school. Chelsea was his only sibling.
I have two older siblings. My brother, Curtis, is 27 and my sister, Bailey, is 31. Bailey lives in Indiana with her husband and two kids. Curtis is on his way to being a doctor. He’s still in college and hasn’t found a wife yet. He went to the singles ward though in Indiana and is dating a few girls there. Greg and I have been married since I was 20 and he got back from his mission in Columbia, South America. That was 3 years ago. We are both going to college at BYU Provo. Greg also wants to be a doctor so he’s taking all the courses he can. I’m getting my English major so I can possibly teach it as a class. I wasn’t so sure anymore though.
I signed to him if he was hungry. He nodded. “Want to go get something?” I nodded and he held out a hand to help me up. I took it and walked over to the dresser, pulling on a pair of Bongo jeans. I took off the big t-shirt and pulled on a sweater. It was fall but it was freezing! Greg was tying up his shoe laces when he was done getting dressed. We lived in a nice apartment just off of campus. It was a two room, 1 full bath and one half bath apartment with a full kitchen. We got a lot of wedding cash!
Greg took hold of my hand and we walked down to an Applebees that was close by. He held the door open for me and asked the waitress for a booth. She looked like she was our age. She must go to BYU also. We followed behind our perky waitress and both slid into a booth next to each other.
“Hi, my name is Jessica. I’ll be your waitress. Would you like to start with some drinks?” she asked, whipping out her notepad and pen.
“Yeah, I’ll have a coke and she’ll have a water with no lemon.” Greg answered for the both of us. I always hated the way people looked at me when I signed to Greg what I wanted instead of speaking it. So after a couple times of this happening I signed to him that for now on I always wanted water with no lemon. Now they just thought Greg was a controlling husband. I was smiling when the waitress walked away. Greg looked over at me and put his hand on my thigh.
“What are you laughing ‘bout, huh? I ordered what you wanted right?” a frown creased his handsome face. I put a hand on his cheek reassuringly and nodded. He smiled and put his other hand over it. “Good. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about what Sister Steins said during my Book of Mormon class. It was so funny!” he went on to explain elaborately to me how Sister Steins kept saying King Solomon instead of King Benjamin.
I smiled and paid close attention and smiled bigger when he told me how a guy finally told her the real name ten minutes until class ended. She sighed real heavily, at this point he demonstrated for me, and scratched her head. “I’m getting too old for this! That’s what she said it was great.”
I just smiled and shook my head. Greg rubbed my knee and bumped his shoulder against mine. ‘Hey’. He signed the word to me. I grinned and looked down at the table and signed the same thing back. ‘Look at me’. I looked up at him and he gave me a small kiss. ‘How was your day?’
We signed back and forth to each other until the waitress came back with our drinks.
“Have you guys figured out what you want to eat?” she asked, setting our glasses down in front of us.
“Yup, I’ll have the sub sandwich and she will have the walnut apple salad. Thanks.” He handed her the menus and she smiled and walked away. Greg looked back at me and winked. I loved his blue, blue eyes. Blue like the ocean that I missed. Just then his cell phone started ringing the tune he set for when he received text messages. “It’s John. He wants to know what we’re doing tonight.”
I thought for a moment then shrugged, smiling. He laughed and nodded his head, typing into his phone. I tapped his side and signed out; does he want to double date? Greg shrugged and put his phone back in his pocket after he sent the message. John was in our Anatomy class and the three of us had become best friends. He wasn’t married yet but he had a different girl every month. He was always calling us up for a double date.
“I wonder what girl he’s found now.” He chuckled as he dug his phone out again because of another text. “He says ‘Tonight. 8 o’clock. My place. Bring Sarah.’ I wonder what he wants.” He ran a hand through his messy hair and typed in ‘ok’. I smiled and shook my head.
‘Maybe he wants to watch a movie?’ I signed. Greg nodded his head.
“I guess we will find out then, huh? Oh do you know what movie I’ve been wanting to see again?” I shook my head and he continued, “I’ve been wanting to see the movie ‘Beautiful Mind’ again. Remember that? We watched it with your Uncle Ryan.”
I thought for a moment and nodded when I remembered. ‘That’s a great movie’.
“It sure is.” He took a drink of his coke and looked at his watch. “Dang, today went by fast. It’s already 5.” He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. “We stayed up too late, Missy, and slept in too late.” He laughed and put his arm around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, wishing I could say something to him. Anything at all. I chewed my bottom lip.
We didn’t talk anymore until the food arrived. We ate in mostly silence but not in a bad way. He played around and stole one of my chicken strips with his fork. I smacked his shoulder and took one of his fries. He laughed and ruffled my hair. I opened my mouth as if to gasp but no sound came out. My throat gave a twinge of pain, so I took a sip of my water. I couldn’t look at him in the eyes as I tried fixing my hair back into place. He patted my leg and took a bite of his sandwich.
After we ate we walked back home. It was only about a 5 minute walk. It was almost 8 by the time we got back so I went into the restroom to put on some makeup and brush my hair again. Greg came in and stood behind me in the mirror while putting on his deodorant. I put on eye shadow, eye liner, and then mascara. I straightened up to see how it looked, trying not to glance at the scars that blazed up my collar bone to my throat and, once satisfied, walked back out to change into a different shirt.
I took two different shirts out of our closet and held them up to Greg who was stretched out on the bed texting on his phone. When he noticed that I was holding the shirts out for him to see he said, “The green one,” and went back to texting. I looked at the green shirt; dark green, its sleeves were cut off at the elbow, and it was a slight V neck. Deciding it would be ok I slipped it on.
“Ready babe?” Greg said, getting up and stretching. I ran a hand up his well muscled arm and nodded. He smiled and winked, taking my hand and leading us out of the apartment. John’s apartment was right next to ours so we were there in no time. John answered the door with a big grin.
“There they are!” he shouted kicking the door open and letting us in. “Hey there, Sunshine.” He said to me and gave me a friendly hug. “Come on back, Molls is on the couch.”
His apartment was shaped like ours but incredibly different. In ours we had pictures of our wedding, our family, temples, we had flowers arranged and art hung on the walls. John did have pictures of the temple hung crookedly on the wall but it was mostly posters of bands, restaurants, and movies. It always smelled of pizza and sour milk. His TV room was his favorite room. He had a large bluray TV and huge sound system.
Sitting on the couch looking slightly nervous was a slightly bigger girl with short brown hair. She smiled weakly and went to stand up but had to maneuver herself out of the sunken in couch which made her face turn pink. John didn’t notice and just strode over to her and said, “This is Molly Davis. Molly, these are my two very good friends Greg and Sarah Larson.”
“Hey, Molly, nice to meet ya.” Greg said sticking his hand out for her to shake. She shook his hand.
“Nice to meet you too,” She looked at me uncertaintly. I stuck my hand out and smiled. John must have told her, because she didn’t take my silence as awkwardness. She looked at John who had materialized a piece of pizza in his hand which he was chewing lazily.
“Ok, so Molls here has never seen Beverly Hills Ninja!” he laughed and looked shocked as if he thought everyone in their right mind has seen this movie. Molly shrugged and looked nonchalant. I waved my hand like it was no big deal.
“What! Never huh? That’s crazy we gotta change that.” Greg chimed in sitting himself on the couch. I plopped down next to him and watched John put in the movie. Molly sat back down into the sunken couch and tried to rearrange herself so she was more comfortable. John flicked the lights out and sat down next to Molly. John and Greg started talking about college football during the previews. By the dim light the TV was casting I could make out Molly a little bit. She was sitting too rigid to be relaxed. I felt bad for her. John wasn’t paying any attention to her.
I took out my cell phone and texted Greg: She looks uncomfortable. Try talking to her for me.
Greg’s phone buzzed. Once he read it he cleared his throat and said, “So Molly, what are you majoring?”
She jumped in surprise at being talked to and turned pink again. “Um, I think I want to major in economics.” She stammered.
John leaned away and peered at her in slight shock. “Really?” he asked.
“Yeah, really.” She was looking at her knees now, probably wishing she was anywhere but here. I wanted to tell her that she shouldn’t be embarrassed, that it’s actually really neat and interesting. But I couldn’t.
“That’s pretty awesome, Molls. I didn’t know that.” He looked over at us and said, “I just figured you were like all those other freshies who are ‘undetermined’ ha!” he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and started asking her questions about her econ classes. She smiled brightly, which changed her whole demeanor, and talked animatedly to him.
I leaned my head on Greg’s shoulder and played with his fingers. He shrugged his shoulder so my head lifted up and whispered in my ear, “I love you my Silent Beauty.” I blushed and kissed his cheek. I self-consciously brushed my fingertips against the unnatural smoothness of my throat. Greg took my hand and kissed it and traced his own fingertips along my collar bone. For the first year I hated when he even looked at the scars that were printed on my belly, collar bone, shoulders, and throat. I couldn’t stand him to touch me even. It was a hard year for both of us. Me having to learn sign language, and him too. He made it fun though, the sign language part. Eventually Greg was able to get me out of my shell let him touch and hold me again, and once I did it was the best cure of all for my sadness.
John and Molly talked to each other throughout the whole movie. Greg and I kept giving each other looks of shock, John has never shown so much interest in a girl before.
Maybe this is the one? I signed to Greg. He had to strain to see my hands in the darkness but he shrugged and replied; 'I really hope so. She seems like a good one.'
  





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245 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 15440
Reviews: 245
Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:17 am
creativityrules says...



Hey, CS! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today!

First off, I'd like to discuss your concept. It seems decent; writing about a girl recovering from an accident will give you plenty of opportunities to give her obstacles to overcome. I adore the chemistry between your two main characters. Greg seems like such a sweetie, and I like Sarah as well. You've created interesting characters, and that's half the battle. However, I do have some criticisms that I feel will improve this piece.

As far as a first chapter, this is just okay, and I'll tell you why. It isn't clean enough. First impressions in writing are incredibly important. If I don't like the first chapter, I can promise that I won't read the others even if they're incredible. Publishers will only read to the top of the second page when looking over your work; if they don't like what they see, then they won't continue. Therefore, the first part of your writing has to be your absolute best. It has to flow and be clean, and it also has to reveal a significant amount about your characters in a relatively short amount of time. In my opinion, this first chapter drones on just a bit. I found my mind getting slightly jumbled as I read it. If you edited it and made a 'condensed' version, so to say, I think that you could tell me the same amount of information without using so many words.

The second issue I find with this piece is how you structured out the sentences and punctuated them. I also felt that you used too many exclamation points nearing the end of this. Exclamation points should be used sparingly, if at all; if you overused them, your work will come off looking amateurish. I'd keep an eye on how many of them you use.

To give you an example of how I feel your sentence structuring isn't effective, let me write up a brief paragraph.

Zebediah was an ancient bullfrog who lived in the river. He had brown spots and a green back. He loved to croak loudly. Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and croak to scare his neighbors. It made him laugh. Zebediah was an eccentric old coot.


Yes, I know it's silly. I came up with it on the spur of the moment (I know what you're thinking: I must have a wierd mind to come up with this off the top of my head. Truth is, I do.). That's beside the point. Watch how I edit this, and you'll get my point.

Zebediah was an ancient bullfrog who lived in the river. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, he would wake up and croak as loudly as he could just to scare his neighbors. His green and brown-spotted sides would quake as he chuckled; Zebediah was an eccentric old coot.


See how it flows better? Combining some of your sentences and using various types of sentences will make your writing more interesting.

All in all, I genuinely like this piece! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! Oh, and one more thing. Remember that if you like your writing, it doesn't matter what I or anybody else thinks. Your opinion is what matters most at the end of the day, and if you love this, don't change a thing. Always be true to yourself.

Always keep writing!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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6 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1014
Reviews: 6
Wed Nov 30, 2011 1:59 am
CsJ93 says...



Hey, thanks for reading and commenting on it. I will deffinatly work on flow better. I'm so bad at proof reading! I started this peice in 2009 and I didn't change anything from the previous years. Thanks again, when I figure out how to edit I will see what I can do :)
  








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