Young Writers Society

This is the beginning of draft two. I haven't written anything else yet because I'm trying to figure out an outline so I don't write another 128,000 manuscript with very little conflict...
Please be harsh.
Thank you
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1. Grey


November.

Loneliness. Good old Webster defines it as “being without company, cut off from others, sad from being alone”.
He almost has it right.
Loneliness, true loneliness, is an all-consuming, terrible, aching pain that never quite goes away. There is always something missing in your heart but you can never quite pinpoint what it is. Even if you spend time with friends, you can’t fully connect, there’s still something missing. As soon as you’re alone, it’s unbelievably painful to the point you want to cry, but you don’t even know what you’re crying about.
This is the level of loneliness I feel.
I feel like no one cares about me. I feel horribly and inescapably alone almost constantly. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about it.
It’s not that I don’t have friends. I do. We just don’t hang out as much as we used to, and when we do hang out, it’s different. It’s not as much fun as it used to be. When I’m with them I still feel alone. When I’m alone I feel even worse.
Things began to go downhill last month. My two closest friends, Polly and Harper, both got boyfriends, Evan and Allen.
Evan has liked Polly for a long time. It’s easy to see why. She’s small, blond, cute, and funny. What’s not to love? Evan has long, dark hair that falls over his ears and across his forehead, wears skinny jeans, doesn’t talk much, and really likes comic books. He asked her to Homecoming and asked her out.
Harper had a crush on Allen for most of the school year. I actually did too for a little while but I never told anyone. I’m so awkward and clueless Allen probably didn’t notice I was interested. He has shaggy light brown hair and plays trombone, the same instrument as me. Harper is a lot more confident than I am and usually gets what she wants so it’s no wonder he asked her to Homecoming and asked her out over me.
I actually got asked to Homecoming too. Another trombone player who is a year younger than me, Nic, asked me in math class one day. I was too nice to say no, even though I really wasn’t interested. Nic is really nice, but he’s not really my type. Unlike the rest of the males in our Homecoming group, he didn’t ask me out. I’m kind of glad he didn’t because it wouldn’t have been right of me to say yes, but it would be nice to get some kind of confirmation that I’m not some kind of leper that repels all males.
I am seventeen years old. I’m a senior in high school. I am now the only one in my group of friends that has never had a boyfriend.
I find this to be extremely depressing and extremely pathetic.
Is there something wrong with me? What is the problem here? I mean, I know I’m not the hottest girl on the planet but I’ve always thought I that I’m kind of pretty. There’s nothing about me that’s that special, light brown hair that goes past my shoulders, hazel eyes, glasses, a nice smile but kind of a big nose. At least I brush my hair and teeth and shower every day. That’s more than I can say for some girls and a lot of them have boyfriends.
I don’t understand. I’m really nice. I care about others. I enjoy having real conversations. I’m funny sometimes.
I’m a complete hopeless romantic. I read all of the books, watch all of the movies, listen to the songs and all I want is to know what that feels like.
What does it feel like to be on someone’s mind? What does it feel like to have someone that genuinely cares about you, wants you to be happy, wants to do things for you, and loves you with all of their heart and soul?
What is it like to feel that way about another person? What is it like to care about someone so much it hurts?
I believe in true love and happy endings. I believe that there is a perfect someone out there for me and I just need to find him.
But he’s hiding really well.
I don’t have to find my true love right now, that’s fine. I’m young. Why not just a plain and simple love? Why can’t I have that? Anything but this. Anything but this horrible pain and loneliness.
I feel so alone.
Horribly, painfully alone.

Hey there! I thought for the most part that this was well written, there are some sentences I've picked out that may not necessarily have grammar errors, but that I think sound a bit unwieldy. It jumps around topics a little, but that's not too much of a problem. I love the attitude that jumps out with this writing, and I've already bonded with the main character. Here are the awkward sentences:

It’s not that I don’t have friends. I do. -It would be a bit more economical to merge these two sentences into one. There's nothing wrong grammar wise. Maybe it'd sound better like this:

It's not that I don't have friends, because I do.

I actually did too for a little while but I never told anyone. -This one is just my opinion, this sentence reads strangely to me, I'm not sure why. Maybe:

To tell the truth, I did too for a little while, but I never told anyone.

Harper is a lot more confident than I am and usually gets what she wants so it’s no wonder he asked her to Homecoming and asked her out over me. -This would fare better as two sentences. Like so:

Harper is a lot more confident than I am. She usually gets what she wants, so it's no wonder he asked her to homecoming over me.

I was too nice to say no, even though I really wasn’t interested. Nic is really nice, but he’s not really my type. -Too many really's! You might want to try and reword this bit! I'd suggest something along the lines of:

I was too nice to say no, even though I wasn't that interested. Nic is really nice, but he's not quite my type.

I’m kind of glad he didn’t because it wouldn’t have been right of me to say yes, but it would be nice to get some kind of
confirmation that I’m not some kind of leper that repels all males. -I just thought this sentence was hilarious!

I find this to be extremely depressing and extremely pathetic. -You may be using extremely twice to try and emphasize your point, but it may not be the most economical way:

I find this to be extremely depressing, and totally pathetic.

This was really well written except for a few awkward sentences. Some people don't care for monologues, but personally I enjoy reading them. Now, let me try and explain what I mean by "economical"!

By definition, if something is economical it's:
1. Prudent and thrifty in management; not wasteful or extravagant. See Synonyms at sparing.
2. Intended to save money, as by efficient operation or elimination of unnecessary features; economic: an economical heating system; an economical approach to control of corporate growth.

A sentence that isn't economical kind of stands out. If there's too much packed into it, it'll confuse the reader. If there's too little packed into it, it may need to be fused with another sentence. You want your sentences to vary in length, this keeps the reader engaged. Let me try and give an example:

Joe Bob is extremely cruel. He punched me in the face. I don't like him at all.

Did that read a bit rushed? What about this?

Joe Bob is overwhelmingly evil, he acts like such a jerk. He's always mean to me, and I don't ever want to be around him again. I hope he gets in a car crash or something, that'd serve him right for his bad behavior.

What did that sound like? Maybe like someone who's telling a story but doesn't know how to stop? Try this:

Joe Bob is a mean guy. I don't like the way he treats other people. I wouldn't care that he's a jerk, but it hurts other people's feelings.

To me that sounded far more smooth than the other two. Varying the length of your sentences, dealing with flow, and keeping continuity are all fundamental points in writing. I struggle with these things too! Good job! This was very entertaining, and I'm looking forward to the next installment!

Good piece. It is very believable, explanatory, and shows lots of emotions. I also find it very relate-able, and really not one of those crazy "Oh my goodness. Somebody love me now!" kind of stories. I hate those.

One thing I would change about it though is your overuse of simple sentences. You have about 70 sentences total. Of those, about 51 are simple. My teacher last year told me that my stories, along with any stories on the planet, are sooo much more interesting when the sentence are either compound or complex.

Using the comment from Shinobiinfinity would really help you with some of those sentences. I think changing it would make it flow a lot more and help improve it a bit.

Good story though(:

Hi Carlito so I really liked this, but there are places you can improve. In grammar and in content.

My biggest problem with this is that, to me at least, it didn't read off like the beginning of a novel. Though I felt like I could relate to your character I felt like it was more of an essay than a story at all. It didn't leave me wanting to know what happened next. There was no cliffhanger that left me hanging so I just had to know what happened next, and more than that I just don't feel like this story is going anywhere. Now it is your job to prove me wrong!


I also was wondering about your beginning. At first, if I didn't take in to account it was romance, I thought this story was going to be about a fight with her friends, but by the end of the chapter her biggest problem was not having a boy friend. You said

Things began to go downhill last month. My two closest friends, Polly and Harper, both got boyfriends, Evan and Allen.

But you never explain to us why this has put their relationships down. Yes, I know we can assume it is because she feels left out, but I feel like there should be a bigger problem than that.

Another thing is your descriptions of the people. They are great descriptions and they give me into an insight into what the people are like, but they tell, tell, tell. I don't want you to tell me what their characters are in one big dose; I want you to show me throughout the novel. Sure, a sentence here and there about the color of hair of someone is okay, but you just described all your main characters all at once.

He asked her to Homecoming and asked her out.

Harper had a crush on Allen for most of the school year.

Okay, the homecoming in my school is close to the beginning to the school year it is in the first quarter of the first semester, so how could she have had a crush on him most of the school year? Most of the summer should make a little more sense.

Overall this is good, you have mostly good grammar, though I agree with Shinobiinfinity with some things, and you have a good style of writing. P.M. me if you have any questions.

Hope I helped,

Calli

- Note: I don't think I know your main characters name, because it is in the first person. You might want to include that in the next chapter.