Young Writers Society

Prologue: July 15, 1995


Charlie Johnson rushed his wife Abigail to St. Francis Memorial Hospital in Columbus Georgia. Their 3 year old twins Jasper and Emily and 1 year old son Jeremy were in their car seats in the back of the tan suburban. Abigail was in labor with another set of twins, three weeks early.

“Hurry! They’re coming!” she cried out in pain. That got all three kids crying as Charlie sped into the hospital parking lot. He ran in and got two nurses; one for Abigail and one to help with the kids.

July 15, 1995, Aaron Matthew Johnson, and April Marie Johnson were born three minutes apart. Each weighing in at 5 pounds 4ounces. While Charlie held April and Abigail held Aaron, their family was complete. Everything was perfect.

“My baby girl,” Charlie whispered to April and then looked at his beautiful wife. He was to happy to notice the paleness of her skin and the blank look in her eyes as he leaned down and kissed her lightly on her forehead. As soon as his soft lips left her cold, sweaty forehead she gasped in pain. Her skin went snow white and a nurse took Aaron away just before her arms fell limp to Abigail’s side. Another nurse took April from Charlie and then shooed him out of room before he even knew what was happening. Once he was outside he saw Abigail shaking uncontrollably before the nurse closed the blinds.

Before he could get over the shock that was happening, the doctor came out with a pained, sympathetic look in his eyes. He gave the news to the paled face Charlie. From that day on he would be raising five kids on his own. And from that day on he would have to face the pain and suffering of losing the love of his life.



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This is great! I'd love to see it developed in the future. I like your structure. Shouldn't it be "from that day on" instead of "from that they on"? But don't worry- even I make stupid mistakes like that. Anyways, keep up the good work. You are great.

haha thanks i fixed my mistake I'm still working on the title, but i guess i need to write more to find the perfect one thanks for the review

Hi, AngelMarie!

Charlie Johnson rushed his wife Abigail to St. Francis Memorial Hospital in Columbus Georgia.

This is too much information (=names) for one sentence, especially when it's so short and not to mention the first sentence. Decide what is the most important for the readers to know at this point and leave only that.

Their 3 year old twins Jasper and Emily and 1 year old son Jeremy were in their car seats in the back of the tan suburban. Abigail was in labor with another set of twins, two months early.

Same with this. You could just say "Their three small children" or something. Also, two months is really really early for a baby/babies to be born... even two weeks is quite a lot.

He was to happy to notice the paleness of her skin and the blank look in her eyes

Why is he happy to notice something like that?

just before her arms fell limp to Abigail’s side.

Unless you mean that the nurse's hands fell limp to Abigail's side, you might want to say: "Abigail's arms fell limp to her side".

He gave the news to the paled face Charlie.

Alright! I think this is quite a suitable length for a prologue, and it also provides us with a good kick start to the story itself. I also found the pace good. Apart from the excess information in the beginning (or the way you gave it) and some awkwardish phrasing, I think this was pretty good and interesting enough that I might keep reading.

One thing to pay attention to, though: make sure that all the characters (=children) are necessary to the story. Don't make them have five children just because they need to have a lot of kids for the father to care about. Do it only if all of the kids will have an important role in the story. I have a feeling the older kids might be left in the shadow of the new twins, as happened in this prologue already. Newborn twins will cause a lot of work for a single father as it is, so if you want to emphasise the workload by adding more kids... don't.

Let me know if you have any questions!


Demeter
x

Hi there!!
It should be 'Prologue' instead of 'Prolouge'.

Charlie Johnson rushed his wife Abigail to St. Francis Memorial Hospital in Columbus Georgia. Their 3 year old twins Jasper and Emily and 1 year old son Jeremy were in their car seats in the back of the tan suburban.

Information overload! Like Demeter said, too many names, too much information. Just showing Charlie Johnson driving his wife to the hospital and everyone being stressed about it is a good enough beginning. Cut out the hospital name and the place, if you really need to, you can put these back in in a memory later. Also the kids' names. You can introduce them by having them say something, or whatever, rather than just giving us their names and ages right away.

Abigail was in labor with another set of twins, two months early.

Unnecessary sentence. We can already tell she's in labor, and as for the early part, maybe you can add it at the end, like the doctor telling Charlie it was too early for her to give birth and that's why she died.

Before he could get over the shock what was happening, the doctor came out with a pained, sympathetic look in his eyes. He gave the news to the paled face pale-faced Charlie.

But the story seems cute, I read the synopsis. I'll look at the other chapters. ^.^

Bravo! Bravo! This is really good and a great way to start a story. Usually I skip prologues, but yours are different. Good job and keep writing.