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Don't Forget



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Thu Aug 11, 2011 8:18 pm
shelbycate says...



Prologue
I closed my eyes. The sun was just about to dip its toes into the vast, sparkling ocean. I dug my hands deep into the sand until they reached the moist layer. If only I could stay right here forever. I couldn’t imagine ever being happy anywhere else.
When I opened my eyes, the sun finally decided to say its goodbye to our world, only to join another, far away. I thought back upon a summer that I wasn’t expecting. A summer I didn’t want. A summer that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

Chapter 1

I gazed into my mother’s eyes. Blank. I saw nothing. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked cautiously “Yeah, Mom. There’s nothing for me here. Do you want me to sit on my butt all summer?” I tried to sound light-hearted.
“I know. I’m sorry you hate it here so much.” She looked away. She knew how much I hated this dumb town. “It’s not you’re fault, Mom. And hey, that’s why I’m going. You know, get a glimpse of something else for a change,” I coaxed, trying to hide my bitterness.
She nodded, uncertainly. I put my hand on her shoulder. “I’ll be fine. Besides, I haven’t seen Aunt Julie since Thanksgiving. Two years ago.” She looked into my eyes and nodded again. “Well,” she quivered, looking around, “you had better go. You’re sure you’ll be ok on the plane by yourself?” I smiled and nodded. “I love you, Mom. Take care of Jesse, and keep him out of my room!” I gave her a quick hug while she laughed nervously. “I love you too. Be good for Julie.”
I smiled again and gave a quick wave, before I turned and headed through the half-empty airport. I’d made it through security smoothly, which was a good start considering my luck. I had around forty-five minutes until boarding time, so I stopped at the only food stand around and bought an apple and a bottle of water with the huge wad of cash my grandparents had given me to spend in North Carolina.
Wow. North Carolina. I still didn’t understand my decision, nor did I understand Aunt Julie’s invitation. I’ve given her the cold shoulder for as long as I can remember. Every holiday get-together, or family event, no more than a “Hello” was spoken between the two of us. I don’t really know why, we just never got along for some reason.
And now I was on my way to Wilmington to spend my entire summer with she and her cat, Sadie, in her beach house. Anything to get out my rinky-dink town is the best reason I could come up with. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I wasn’t dreading it either.
I crunched into my apple and walked briskly through the wide hallways of the small North Dakota airport. Finally, I reached gate D, and took a seat among the other 3 people. The first, a man in his early thirties, was talking urgently into his Blackberry. I wondered what on earth he was doing in a town like this. I silently laughed to myself. Talk about a fish out of water.
The second was a college-looking girl, reading a surprisingly thick book. I noticed her thin-rimmed glasses, her blue sweater and matching scarf. She looked like a typical college student.
Finally, the third was an old woman. She was old enough to be my grandmother, but not senile. The strange thing was, she just sat there. Staring into space. Eyes blank. The scary thought entered my mind that she might be dead, but then I realized her hands were folding and refolding together. She looked nervous, but somehow peaceful.
All she had with her was a small purse. Grandmothers are supposed to have unreasonably large purses, but hers was just a small, green handbag with a bird on the front.
My thoughts were interrupted when an extremely petite woman in a flight attendant’s uniform started speaking.
“Flight D45 to Chicago is now boarding,” she said in a voice that was almost too high to understand. For a moment, my stomach clenched. No way I’m at the wrong gate! Then I remembered that you couldn’t take a direct flight to Wilmington from this stupid town.
“Flight D45 to Chicago is now boarding,” she repeated.
More people began to file in out of nowhere, and I followed the crowd down the narrow hall that led to the plane. All the deep thinking had given me a headache and I couldn’t wait to get going.
When I reached my seat, I collapsed into it and immediately shoved my headphones in my ears. I closed my eyes and ignored the other noisy passengers as they pushed their way through the narrow aisle.
It was a small plane with only two seats on either side of the aisle. I took the window seat, not out of spite, but simply because I didn’t want to have to go through the trouble of moving once my “traveling buddy” arrived. I was hoping for someone who would just mind their own business and not talk to me. I knew I was in a bad mood, but didn’t want to figure out a way to change it. I wish that didn’t happen to me. I wish I didn’t drift in and out of good moods and bad moods. Whatever. I tried to focus on the music blasting in my ears.



“Excuse me,” someone whispered, almost inaudibly.
I didn’t hear. I was leaning my chin on my hand and gazing out the tiny window.
“Excuse me,” the someone said again, trying to be louder, but failing. The only reason I noticed her was because my gaze had drifted from the blank runway. Our eyes met, and my mind smiled. It was the elderly lady with the tiny purse. Finally I convinced my face to smile, and when I did, she returned it with a shy, but warm smile.
I pulled my headphones out of my ears. “Hi, I’m Lily.” She didn’t respond. There was an awkward silence before I finally said, “Oh, would you like the window seat? I can sit on either side I really don’t ” She shook her head before I could finish.
She edged her way onto the blue upholstery and gently sat down. Geez, lady it’s not toxic. The minute I thought it, I felt sorry. I could tell how nervous she was. It was written all over her face. There was something about her that I instantly trusted, and I felt a strange sensation to start up a conversation. And believe me, I never start conversations. That’s about as rare as it gets.
This was just pitiful. I hadn’t gotten so much as a “yes” out of her. I tried to ask her about her life, and when that didn’t seem to get her to talk, I talked about mine. But she wouldn’t look at me, and she wouldn’t utter a word. Funny. I was just hoping that my “buddy” wouldn’t talk to me, know I was the one who wouldn’t shut up! The plane started moving and finally we were in the air. I decided to give up my efforts, but I wasn’t finished studying her.
She was a small woman with fine, white hair. She had very small blue eyes as well as a small nose and mouth. She kept her wrinkled hands folded in her lap, though she kept folding and refolding them together, as she had been in the waiting area. She wore a simple green shirt with a bird on it, matching her purse, and white cotton pants. She was very plain, but picturesque in a strange way.
She mostly kept her eyes closed, only opening them when I talked. “Are you from North Dakota?” She didn’t respond, nor did she open her eyes. I panicked and gently touched her frail arm. “Ma’am?” I asked cautiously.
Suddenly her eyes shot open and she glared at me. Our eyes were locked for what seemed like an eternity. Finally she blinked a few times and looked away. Then she surprised me, which is another extremely rare thing.
“Oh! Pardon me, dear.” It was the most she had said to me in the last 30 minutes. I breathed a sigh of relief. “It’s okay,” I assured her. “I didn’t know if you were asleep or…” I bit my tongue.
“Or dead?” Her eyes sparkled as she laughed. I didn’t know what to say. She’d caught me, and I felt foolish. I was still quite caught off guard from how many words were coming out of her mouth.
“It’s alright. I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you, my dear.” It was as if someone hit the “on” button linked to her voice box. She smiled sincerely and looked into my eyes. I smiled back.
“You see, my husband recently passed away.” I saw her eyes fill with genuine sadness. “Lung cancer. Anyway, the only other family I have live in Chicago, a sister-in-law, and the doctor told me that I can’t live alone. No matter how much I tell him I can’t bear to leave my home, he was adamant. But I love my sister, so it’s alright I suppose.”
I nodded, sympathetically. Not that I knew at all how she felt. All the people in my life were still around. And unlike her, I hated North Dakota. But I saw the love and sadness in her eyes, and mine, in turn, filled with tears.
“I guess I would be thinking an awful lot, too.” I smiled. She sat straighter. “I suppose I’m just replaying everything in my head. You know, thinking it all through. Thinking of things I should have changed or done differently.” She looked away. I felt for her. Not that I could relate, fortunately, but I could see the pain in her eyes, and my heart filled with sadness.
I felt my ears pop as the small plane climbed higher. I rubbed my temples, then searched my carry-on for one of the three packs of gum my grandma had sent with me, along with 2 iced water bottles, ibuprofen, earplugs, and a sandwich bag full of mints. Although the stash she’d packed for me didn’t even compare to the stash she kept in her grandmother-sized purse, I was thankful for her generosity.
“Oh, Mrs…” I hated the awkward moment that followed since either I didn’t remember, or she forgot to mention it.
“Mrs. Carson. I’m sorry I forgot to mention that.” I smiled as her phrasing matched my thoughts exactly. She smiled sweetly and for a good part of the flight we made wonderful conversation. That is, until the drink cart showed up. We ordered our drinks and continued to chat. I liked Mrs. Carson. I liked that when I talked, she listened. I liked that something about her made me want to tell her everything about my life. And I did. For once, I was actually relieved that I didn’t have to sit and listen to my music.
The best
gift you can
receive is
constant
amazing
indescribable
unconditional
love.
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:27 am
PurpleShade says...



Interestinnnng...
Hello. :D
I love that this story has a lot of possibilities right from the start. I can't know exactly who the main characters are, (but there's enough there to make me want to get to know them) and who's going to be romantic with whom, and all that junk... so far it's not seeming too predictable, and I like that. Keeping me interested. It's not a "boy meets girl and they hate eachother right at first!" plot. :D
There were some character issues... throughout the story I was getting the impression that this girl was a bit teeny-angsty, and just kinda... a little sullen, withdrawn, not given to being emotional. So... when she starts tearing up towards the end, it seemed abrupt.
Also! I was wondering what the point of the Prologue is. It's well written, and pretty, but it just seems like extra words. The phrasing is a bit cliche... using words like "sparkling" is always a gamble, hehe. It's not giving us more insight into her character. It's not really helping us understand the story or anything. It's not a back story. It's just a personal preference, but I really dislike most prologues, unless they're something special.

Hmm... I saw some nitpicky things as I was reading, let's see if I can remember...

I gazed into my mother’s eyes. Blank. I saw nothing. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked cautiously “Yeah, Mom. There’s nothing for me here. Do you want me to sit on my butt all summer?” I tried to sound light-hearted.


A few problems... If there's nothing in her mom's eyes, how can she tell she's being cautious? Also, you're missing a period after "cautiously" and you need to start a new line for all the dialogue throughout the piece.

“I know. I’m sorry you hate it here so much.” She looked away. She knew how much I hated this dumb town.

Clearly the mom knows how much she hates the dumb town. That's why she said she was sorry for it... that second sentence is unnecessary.

And now I was on my way to Wilmington to spend my entire summer with she and her cat, Sadie, in her beach house.

Should be her instead of she. "Her and her cat"... if you have trouble with pronouns, a good trick is to take away the extra people/things in the sentence, and figure out what you'd say then. For instance if you said "spend my entire summer with her." It makes sense. But to say "spend my entire summer with she." makes no sense at all. And then when you figure that out, you can add the cat back in. Just a tip. :D

The second was a college-looking girl, reading a surprisingly thick book. I noticed her thin-rimmed glasses, her blue sweater and matching scarf. She looked like a typical college student.

Awkward and a bit redundant. Do we need to know about this girl for any particular reason? It's wordy and unnecessary. We know that she looks like a typical college student because you said she was "college-looking" (which is a pretty heavy-handed generalization, for a description, since everyone has a different concept of what a college girl looks like)... so I'd consider revising this part heavily. And why is the book -surprisingly- thick? Why did the main character have any expectations about how big books should be?

She was old enough to be my grandmother, but not senile. The strange thing was, she just sat there. Staring into space. Eyes blank.

How does she know that the old lady isn't senile, if the description directly afterwards is describing a lot of signs of what senile can be?

Then I remembered that you couldn’t take a direct flight to Wilmington from this stupid town.

Poor liddle town... I feel kinda sorry for it. :D You beat up on it a lot.

I was just hoping that my “buddy” wouldn’t talk to me, know I was the one who wouldn’t shut up!

Should be now instead of know. Also, I don't really approve of exclamation points in the narration bit of a novel... it seems a bit unprofessional, to me. But that's my opinion.

Anyway I think that's all I've got, that I can remember... Thanks for putting this out there! An enjoyable read. :) Keep it comin'.
~PurpleShade~
~I have a signature, my little lemon-drops! And here it is.~
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:41 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there! Welcome to YWS!

This is a great start. I'm glad that you didn't make the prolouge a whole seperate post since it was so short. It fit in fine and introduced the story to us.

Corrections (in bold):
And now I was on my way to Wilmington to spend my entire summer with she her and her cat Sadie, in her beach house.


She was old enough to be my grandmother, but not senile

How would Lily know if the old lady was senile or not?

Like I said before, this is a great beginning. I can't wait to read the rest of it! Keep writing! PM me if you have any questions about anything. Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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Fri Aug 12, 2011 5:14 pm
Maisie says...



“I know. I’m sorry you hate it here so much.” She looked away. She knew how much I hated this dumb town. “It’s not you’re fault, Mom. And hey, that’s why I’m going. You know, get a glimpse of something else for a change,” I coaxed, trying to hide my bitterness.


When people are talking, say, if it was Lily or Mrs Carson, they would have a seperate line for whatever they were saying. For example:
I smile "Hello."
"Hi." says the person sitting next to me
And also, if you wanted one of the characters to be interrupted you'd need to put a dash.

Other than those little nitpicks, I really enjoyed it and can't wait to see where it leads.
  





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Sun Aug 14, 2011 3:33 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



I really like this first chapter but what I will note on is your dialogue. Your dialogue may irritate people because it might comes up as confusing because we don't know who's talking so change the format of your dialogue. Other than that, this has been a good chapter. Keep writing
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