Young Writers Society

It was the last day of summer vacation and Kendall Fisher was heading off to high school the next day. Freshman year, the year no one looks forward too. And the last place she wanted to be before her first day was at her father's country club.

He was hosting some party for his rich friends and Kendall hadn't been invited in. But she wanted to be in there so bad. She had never actually been to one of her father's parties before and wanted to at least attend one of them. She had begged and pleaded, promised to clean the house (something the Fishers never did themselves), offered to make him dinner; but it was all to no avail. She was still not allowed in the party.

Kendall's father had promised that she and her friends could use the pool and anything outside the club's main building. Right, because that would be way more fun than being at the fancy party.
She took another look at the people in the party and sighed. She jumped into the club's pool sending water splashing everywhere. She heard a squeal as she resurfaced and turned to see her best friend drenched. She giggled and recieved a glare.

"I was sleeping!"

"Sorry Lizz. My cannonballs are deadly!" Kendall yelled from the pool. Lizz stuck out her tongue and rang out her towel. The water splattered as it hit the ground, leaving spots on the otherwise dry pool deck.

Lizz was a creative person, always painting. Her long blond hair was almost always up in a bun, a bandana holding it together, and her hands were calloused. Her favorite color to paint with was green, like her eyes. Lizz was going to attend Keys High School with Kendall. They were both super excited when they realized they were in the same classes together. The only classes they had different were Lizz's art classes. Kendall had a free period while Lizz was at art.

"So what are we gonna do now?" Aeisha asked from her spot on a lawn chair. She was Kendall's other best friend and by far the prettiest of them all. Her black curls flowed down to the middle of her back. Her skin was always perfectly tan and her eyes were the color of the ocean. Kendall was secretly jealous of her best friend. Her short, frizzy brown hair could never compare to Aeisha's hair. Not to mention Kendall had the most boring color eyes: brown. And her skin was anything but tan.

"Well?" Aeisha prompted, looking up from the script she was studying. She was a theater kid. Her father was a famous broadway star and she had always tagged along to his shows. By the time she was thirteen she had already starred in two shows. But she was ready for a lead role and she had been practicing all summer. She was going to audition for the musical Annie, wanting the role of Annie.

"Let's see. We've done everything anyone could possibly do at a country club," Kendall said as she floated on her back, gazing up at the stars. "But we have yet to go into that party and it's nearly over." She flipped off of her back and tred water so she could see her friends' reactions. Aeisha was grinning, but Lizz had a look of disbelief on her face.

"Are you crazy? If your dad finds out you'll be grounded forever!"

"Well we better not get caught then." Aeisha said. She stood up and grabbed her bag, stuffing the script into it. Kendall nodded and climbed out of the pool.

"As long as my father doesn't know, we'll be okay. I don't understand why he doesn't want me at these parties anyway. He always says something about keeping me out of the 'rich scene'. But aren't I already a part of it?" Kendall explained.

"We all are." Aeisha added.

Lizz raised a hand in the air. "Not me. My dad's a school teacher."

"Yes, but your mamma has her own band."

"Doesn't mean she makes a lot of money!" Lizz retorted. "Both your parents make loads of money, Aeisha. And once you get this part, you'll be earning money too."

"Look, you're making a lot out of nothing. I was just trying to say--"

"Alright, enough," Kendall yelled. "I hate it when you two fight."

"She started it," Lizz mumbled. Kendall glared at her.

"Look, we are going into the party and we're gonna have a good time," Kendall pulled out a cell phone from her pocket. "I'll just text the limo driver and get him to take us to the mall."

"Why the mall?" Lizz asked.

"You wanna be seen wearing your bathing suit?" Kendall questioned. "No, we're gonna get real outifts."

When the limo arrived, Kendall, Lizz and Aeisha all piled in. They road to the mall (all ten minutes that it took) and climed out of the limo to the astonished faces of shoppers. They grinned from ear to ear and walked in.

"What time is it?" Kendall asked. Aeisha showed her her watch and Kendall began to walk faster. "If you all wanna get to that party before it's over, we better hurry up. We only tog an hour."

They entered their favorite store called Le Printemps, the French word for spring. The store was filled with lovely gowns and fancy dresses and everyday clothes as well. When the girls finally made their purchases, they piled back into the limo.
Lizz had bought a short spaghetti strap green dress, a blue flower sticking out from the hip. Aeisha had gone more glamarous. Her red velvet gown scraped the floor and had sequenced straps. Kendall's dress was a strapless deep blue beauty. It was short like Lizz's.

The girls were ready for their big entrance. They could only imagine who they would meet at the party.

Hello! I'm really not good at intros, so I'll just jump to the case, okay?

First of all, I felt as if the story could have had more of a hook. Don't get me wrong, it's actually a good story.
I found two things to comment on:

And once you get this part, you will too."

This sentence sounded kind of weird to me. I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.

"You wanna be seen wearing your bathing suit,"

I feel as if should end with a question mark. Am I wrong?

Overall, it was a good piece. It's unique; well at least something I've never read before.
Keep writing, I hope to hear more of this!
If you will, can you notify me for any more chapters? Thanks!

Hi there Noelle. Lavs in to review this, obviously...

Okay, I'm not sure if you've read the series or anything, but this really reminds me of those books by Lisi Harrison: The Clique series. Like, it really reminds me of it and that's not a good point to this. When writing, you should strive to have an original piece that stands out from others. I used to say that every idea is slightly cliche in its own way but I've grown to learn otherwise now. Each idea can be different, each idea is new and refreshing to the literary audience. Of course, you can go to a bookstore and see all the werewolf and vampire novels (including the bloody romance, of course). That is not original unless they have some awesome twist up their sleeve.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that if you're really insistent on this novel you should probably introduce a twist within the first few paragraphs, but preferably the first. The first paragraph, if you're lucky, is the bait for the reader. If it's not good, someone is more likely to ignore the story and go to something else. As it is now, I don't see anything that makes this original from Lisi Harrison's The Clique series...

Another topic I'd like to touch on is the fact that this is meant to be a prologue. I can't see it as one in this format-- it honestly seems like a first chapter. Usually a prologue sets a background to the storyline, perhaps introducing some mysterious character, depending on the genre and whatnot. Currently, this is not a prologue, unfortunately.

Lastly, I realized that, as I was reading this, that you did not elaborate on things that had obvious potential to be elaborated on. For example, when the girls were in the mall, you could have expanded on their experience in the really fancy store and et cetera. I think that would be a nice touch and not make the reader feel like they were being rushed around.

That's all I have for now. I think this would be a nice read, but with some added spice.

Yours,
Lavvi

Hello there.

Well, I suppose there're a few things that stuck out to me that I think I'll go on and point out. The first thing, the overall big thing, was the way you had these three girls at the pool outside Kendall's father's country club. First they were all there, and then it seemed a bit unrealistic how you had them hop out of the pool, out to a limo, into the mall, then back out into the limo again on their way to this party. It all seemed to happen too quickly, and the pace of the scene seemed to get kicked a bit into overdrive. You might want to think about slowing the events to a more realistic pace I think. You have some room to do that I think. The chapter is rather small anyway.

Another thing I wanted to mention was the blunt way these girls fallback on their status of being "rich". It's a bit pretentious sounding, but I think it'd seem a lot better if you made their feelings of being wealthy a whole lot less like they're living up some fantasy world. Maybe they're unnoticing of the fact. Maybe it can bore them, or just not seem as a whole big thing except for when their other friend Lizz, who isn't so rich, brings it up in a nonchalant fashion. Otherwise the writing lacks in certain character development. You can let it be known these girls are wealthy in the narration. Let the characters live out what the narration is telling the reader.

I also had a few nitpicks, which I'll just quote below with my corrections in red.

Kendall's father had promised that she and her friends could use the pool and anything outside the club's main building.

Her favorite color to paint with was green, like her eyes.

Kendal(l) had a free period while Lizz was at art.

"You wanna be seen wearing your bathing suit(?)" Kendal(l) questioned.

I noticed you misspelled your character's name there a couple times. No bueno! I've done that before on accident myself and it's sort of silly when they're your own characters. But anyway, I think that's about it for the nitpicks. Basically what I'd like to see you keep in mind is just the pacing of your story. There's really no need to rush thing this early on in the story. It's just the beginning afterall, and when you set a pace, you should expect to hold that pace throughout the entire story. If you tend to rush things so quickly, your story will end up ending quickly, you see? So feel free to take your time.

-Smylin'

Ooooo reminds me of the Clique series and I can feel a little bit of Gossip girl. If you're basing you story on those books, then two authors. Lisi Harrison(author of the clique series) and Cecily von Ziegesar (author of the gossip girl series). You will be given a lot of inspiration. Keep writing.

Hey Noelle

The thing I like most about this piece is the dynamics between the characters introduced. They seem like the kind of group everybody would want to be friends with, and their unique personalities make them an interesting on their own but together they are brilliant. The way they interact with eachother is really good too.

I think what this piece needs is maybe a little more description. For example, is the water icy cold or really warm? What features to the characters have that makes them unique. You mentioned Lizz's hands, which I liked. It gave me the impression that she is hard working and quite persevering. Add little things like this to the other characters.

The other thing is the idea of beauty. Everyone's perception of beauty is different, some people prefer brown hair, some prefer pale skin. To get your point across that someone is beautiful it's best to tell how others react, or the impression that is given. Some people are good looking because they are cute, some are pretty due to interesting features were others have a more simple, classic kind of beauty.

Overall it's a good start. My favourite thing is how wonderful this girl's life seems, I mean, she can't go to the part and has to settle with use of the club's pool instead. I get the feeling she has a lot to lose, and that is interesting.

Keep it up!
(I will review chapter two when I next get some free time.)