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Battlefield of Love Prologue



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Gender: Female
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:00 pm
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WritesAllDay says...



Ferrah sighs and plops down on her bed. Could her life get any worse? First she gets dumped in front of everyone for her sister and now her parents are getting divorced. There is a knock on her balcony doors. Looking over she sees her best friend, Heath. He always makes her day better. She waves her hand and her balcony door swing open.

Heath walks in and sits beside her on her bed, after closing the balcony doors. "Hey, Angel."

"Hi, Dragon."

"How are you?"

"Sucky. My parents are getting divorced." Her eyes water. Heath notices.

"Come here." He opens his arms. She crawls into his lap and wraps her arms around his neck. "It is going to be okay, Angel. I promise."

She nods her head and rests it against his chest, sleepy all of a sudden. "Stay with me tonight."

"I'll always stay with you." Before she can ponder the meaning of that, she fall asleep in his arms.



Heath gently sets Ferrah on her bed beside him. Ferrah, his own prescious angel. The scent of her blood calls to him as it has so many times before. It is a good thing that he fed before he headed over. The scent of her blood and her scent are nearly addicting. Sweet blood mixed with the smell of vanilla and brown sugar. Hmmm.

He stretches out beside her and starts running his fingers through her hair. He loves her caramel color hair and honey color eyes. They are both so soft. Her eyes are framed by long and dark eyelashes. Her hair like silk. And she is so small. So petite. She fits perfectly against his frame. Like she was made for him.

He wraps his big, buff frame around her smaller one. Then, he allows himself to drift into unconsciousness.
  





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75 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 605
Reviews: 75
Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:51 am
Tommybear says...



Okay I like the idea. I just want to point out a few things: i only do this because I care and want to see you succeed :)
1) How is this going to differ from say Twilight (besides already being better writing)?
2) the emotion seems almost fake, cliche. As if its a teenager trying not to describe emotion. I don't mind the way you did it but i wasn't attached nor will I ever be to a character or their emotion of described that way. I just would add so much more to the divorce. Why doesn't heath walk in on her crying? Why doesn't he tell her it's all going to be okay there?

just a few thoughts. Overall i like the direction your taking it and look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work :)
Formerly TmB317
  





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232 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 14289
Reviews: 232
Fri Jul 22, 2011 4:12 am
MiRaCLeS says...



Hi!

Alright, there's a few things I want to say:

- First off, show don't tell. In the first paragraph, you told us about how Feerah had been dumped for her sister and her parents are getting divorced. Why don't you show us the unravelling of these actions? Or perhaps give us glimpse and snippets of conversation or something? Letting the reader see it sounds more believable for one and it's also generally more interesting.

- Nicknames. I was wondering why Ferrah called Heath, Dragon. It's obviously a nickname, but it's quite an unexpected one. I would suggest putting an explanation next to it, so that we know how the nicknames came about.

- Okay, since this is the beginning of a story, you need to present a sort of mystery and intrigue to make the reader want to keep reading. You did that pretty well in the second section, where Ferrah was asleep. But not so much in the first section and hooking the reader in is probably one of the most important things when writing a story. If the reader doesn't feel compelled to read, then what's the point of writing it in the first place? I think that you can the first section more interesting by giving us hints about who Heath was, like you did in the second paragraph and have something more interesting happen. Also, don't forget to show, don't tell. It almost always makes a story much more interesting to read.

That's all the critiques I have. This story is looking good so far. Keep writing! :)
  





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114 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5391
Reviews: 114
Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:18 am
Priceless says...



Hey there,
The story looks good..but I agree with the above reviews. Their feelings, what they're saying, it's kind of unrealistic. Use the show-don't-tell rule, I guess, and make their dialogue more realistic. Keep writing :)
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
  





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8 Reviews



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Points: 1145
Reviews: 8
Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:21 pm
CCwriterXD says...



This is pretty good, but it seems a bit like Twilight. The Strong Vampire with the fragile girl, divorced parents.

I also feel that you could be a bit more descriptive. Like, when she was dumped and when she found out that her parents were getting a divorce. You could have put more into that than you did.

It's a good story, don't get me wrong, but everyone could use improments:D ~C.C.
  





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20 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 274
Reviews: 20
Sun Aug 14, 2011 12:43 am
Freakette says...



It's rather cute, but kind of... Picture perfect? A bit too movie-like for a real life scenario. I agree with the other reviews, it reminds me of Twilight. However, it's cute. And the grammar seems more present tense, which is interesting.

Still a pretty good job. c:
"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein
  








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