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Young Writers Society


My Love Life



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Sat Aug 13, 2011 1:02 am
hockeyfan87 says...



I have decided that I will change the title and get rid of the messed up part of her love life. Thanks!


It was the summer day everyone loved: the warm sun beating on your face, your feet dangling into the harbor of the local boat marina. I sat beside my best friend, Alana, and my boyfriend of eight months, Austin. Tomorrow was the first day of our sophomore year at our school, Saint Lebanon United, the local private school. Most of the kids in our town, Lebanon Grove, Maine, went to Saint Lebanon United. It was an upper-class township in which every kid had an iPhone or Droid, where every kid got money for just passing each class. Saint Lebanon United was known for its grades, yet a lot of kids I know are just in SLU because their parents had added enough zeros to the check each month.

“I can’t believe summer is almost over, it seems like just yesterday school got out,” I said, as I watched the water droplets drip off my bare feet into the harbor.

“I can’t believe I won’t be going to school with you both this year, it’ll feel so weird going to public school,” Alana said. Her father had lost his job right after school ended, he just got one but he had already dropped her out of SLU and signed her up at public school in case he hadn’t been able to get a job again. She would be going to SLU again next year.

“Just don’t fall in love with those annoying public school boys,” Austin joked, as he entwined our two hands together. The three of us had been best friends for as long as I can remember. Austin and I started dating eight months ago. I don’t really know how it happened, but we were just sitting on the bench waiting for Alana’s shift at work to end and he leaned in to kiss me. It was magical, everything I had ever dreamed my first kiss would be. After that we just tried to pretend it hadn’t happened but then at homecoming he asked me to go with him and we just kind of made it official then.

“Like I could, that would mean getting over Luke, which I am pretty sure will never ever happen,” Alana has this major crush on Luke Billip ever since we were in third grade, honestly I think she could do better so I don’t know why she doesn’t tell him. Not that many girls like him so he would be lucky to have a girl as pretty as her. Alana is one of those girls who thinks they are super ugly and constantly puts themselves down; when in reality I have always been jealous of Alana’s looks. Her wavy, blond hair and bright blue eyes could make any girl jealous. She was also one of those girls who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain a pound, which is why she consistently weighed 115 pounds with her 5’4 frame. Me? I had the most annoying brown hair with some weird colored green eyes and a 5’5 130 frame.

“Alana, I know you have liked him forever but maybe it is time to move on, or tell him how you feel. He could feel
the same way,” I said.

“Can we just change the topic? Please,” Alana said, looking down at her phone, “Holy poop, its three o’clock, I have
to be at work in ten minutes, I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Now that we are alone,” Austin said, leaning in for a kiss. I still hadn’t got used to the feelings I got whenever he
kissed me. He could make me smile just by kissing me. When he kissed me it was like the whole world disappeared and it
was just the two of us. The way my body sent tingles up and down my spine made it even more romantic.

“Austin,” I said, pulling away from the kiss, “My mom said that since her and my step-father won’t be home for
dinner you can come over and keep me company, that way I don’t have to deal with baby Aliya alone, please?”

“Well if you say it like that, Sofia, I would be honored to. I don’t have to cook though do I?”

“Like I would put anything you cooked in my mouth,” I said, leaning in for another kiss.

“Am I picking you up for school tomorrow? You know, now that I am a legal driver,” Austin said, grinning. Austin was
a year older than Alana and I. He had one of those weird birthdays that made him seventeen when the rest of us were just
turning sixteen yet he was allowed to be in our grade.

“I don’t know if I trust you, I mean after all you just passed the test a few days ago. What if you crash and I die?” I
said, half jokingly half serious. I had seen him drive golf carts before; I honestly had no clue how he passed his driving
test.

“God wouldn’t let you die, you are too pretty,” he said in a sarcastic but serious tone.

“Ok, wise butt, I’ll drive with you, but I swear if you even go five miles over the speed limit I am never driving with
you again!”

“How will we ever go on our romantic dates?”

“Babe, McDonalds isn’t a romantic date,” I said, sticking my tongue out at him.

“Aww man, then I guess I will have to cancel tomorrow night’s reservations there. I got the table closest to the
bathroom!”

“Ha-ha! You are just so funny! Why am I dating you again?”


“Because you know that I love you more than anything else in the world, well besides McDonalds and my dog and that
sewer beside my house oh, and the,”

“Enough,” I said, cutting him off, “I get it. You love me, I love you. Blah blah blah, we should be heading to my
house soon, babysitting time!”

“Home alone in your big house. This may get intense, you know what I’m thinking? Pillow fights!” Austin said,
giving me a quick kiss on the forehead and helping me get up so we can head back to my house.

My house was only a few blocks so we could walk easily to it from the harbor. After about two steps of walking Austin
entwined our hands.

“So, will your Mom and John be there when we get there?” Austin asked curiously. My parents had always been a fan
of him, ever since we were kids. They were so overjoyed when I started dating him that they invited him over for dinner
often and for family bonding. When my parents got divorced five years ago, Alana and Austin were the only people who I
could talk to about it. Then when my mom got remarried to John, Austin was the one I could talk to. Alana had been on
vacation and I didn’t want to bother her. That was the summer Austin and I got extremely close. We have only gotten closer since.

“John probably will be, I don’t know about my mom,” I answered. When my parents got divorced I lost touch with my dad, we still call and he sends me presents and money but it isn’t like it used to be. He and I were extremely close. Then it all went away. John has been a great step dad. He doesn’t act like he is my dad, he is just like a friend to me, “I can’t believe Aliya is going to be two in a few weeks. I remember the day she was born. Remember I called you, and you and Alana saw her before my grandparents did, they kinda hated you for a while for that.”

“They hated me?” he said, sounding kinda hurt. It was that kinda tone that I couldn’t tell whether he was actually
hurt or he was just playing me.

“In a love hate way, now they love you. Trust me, grandma is always like ‘That boyfriend of yours is a keeper don’t do anything to ruin it, savor him,’” I said, rolling my eyes. My grandma never let me forget how much she loved Austin; sometimes I think she likes him more than me.

“Well she is right, I mean you should savor me, I am pretty amazing,” Austin joked. That was one of the things I loved about our relationship. We could joke and be ourselves around each other and not worry. He has seen me in pajamas and a t-shirt with no make-up and still thinks of me the same as when I am all dressed up. That was one of the things I loved about him the most.


“Ha ha, but for the record I do realize how amazing you are. That is why I kept you around for this long, otherwise you would’ve been gone like the other jerks I dated.”

As we turned onto my street I saw John getting the car ready. He always parked his BMW in the driveway, which I
never understood since our house had a three car garage.

“John!” I yelled, as I ran towards the house sensing he was in a rush. I could always tell when he was in a rush if he
had his sunglasses on before he was in the car, that was the dead giveaway.

“Sofia! I am so glad you are here, your mother said she got there quicker than expected and is already there, are
you sure you are ok watching Aliya?”

“I am fine with her. Plus, I have Austin to help me if I need help and I have both your numbers, enjoy the night out,”
I said, as I gave John a hug goodbye.

“Oh, I didn’t even see you Austin, nice to see you, well I left money on the counter for dinner if you want to order instead of making. We should be home before midnight,” then he leaned in to whisper to me, “don’t tell your mother, she
wants Austin out by nine, but he can stay until ten or ten thirty. Just don’t make me regret letting you do this. If you get
pregnant I will kill you both.”


“Thanks, and I won’t be. You should hurry, you don’t want mom to get mad, have fun!” I said as John shut the door to his car and pulled away.

“What did he whisper to you?” Austin asked me curiously, as I opened the front door and locked it as soon as we entered. We had moved to this house after my mom married John, I still was breath taken by the foyer. It was the most beautiful foyer I had ever seen, the light brown with darker trim highlighted it well.

“That my mom wanted you gone at nine but you can stay until ten or ten thirty, I just can’t end up pregnant,” I said, leading the way up to Aliyas room. The nursery was one of the brightest rooms in the house, after mine. The bright yellow walls made it impossible to feel upset in that room. I went to check on Aliya, only to find she was sleeping. I had never gotten used to the sight of her little figure sleeping. She had the brightest blue eyes and the lightest blond hair, I had ever seen, “She is asleep,”

“Should we order dinner or,” Austin said, exiting the nursery.

“It is only four right now, we can just hang in my room for a little,” I said. Most girls associated their room and boyfriends with sex, but Austin and I were different.
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn
  





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Sat Aug 13, 2011 2:15 am
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Apple says...



Hey, Apple here.

Nice start. I like the way you drew us in and to me, for some reason, the story had a kind of beige feeling. You know those pictures that are of people at the beach and they're coloured sepia (a weak gold)? Well that is how I saw this whole story. Gave it a pretty cool affect.

One thing that I did find was that you have your sentences stopping adruptly only to appear in the middle of no where (okay, not really true, they're just below, but it is still very confusing). This kind of stopped my train of thought/ imagination, so I stopped seeing the interraction between your characters and only saw the words. Not something you want as a writer, I suggest you fix it up pronto!

Another thing I found was that when you're giving information, you tend to dump it onto our lap instead of giving it to us nice and neatly. Any reader when reading (hehe!) likes to have their information (whether that be explaining the weather or giving vital peices that will help chug the story along) given to them smoothly. So, what I mean is, that it doesn't sound conjointed. When you were explaining the characters especially; the problem radiated from there. What I suggest is that you take out most of the details, leave maybe one thing behind. Like the blonde hair for Alana. And then when you continue down simply slip the blue eyes in.

For example: When she looked into the sun, her crystal blue eyes shimmered like the sea I was soaking my feet in.

A pretty bad example though you get what I mean. Readers are like very huge babies. If you want to get them eat (take in what you're saying) you can't just ram the spoon into their mouth hoping they'll swallow, you must play aeroplane with them and when they're least suspecting...you get them! It's all about tactics.

Now, I do not do grammar/spelling reviews though something struck me in your text that I felt like I had to point out. Your sentences tend to run on. Instead of stopping or placing in a commar/semi-colon to give your reader some breathing time, you keep going until I am reading so quickly just to get to the end to take that breath. See the sentence behind you, it is an example. I know it sounds stupid but I have a habit of it, a very bad habit. Now I am going to mention that I am pretty puffed out now. So, this is what I suggest: take a look at the forums already on YWS. They help like a dream, trust me! Or you can go over your own work and read aloud. Where you find yourself needing to take a breath, place in a commar or end the sentence all together. One good grammar peice is the semi-colon. It's an angel when you have two sentences that don't like being seperate. Join them together with that and the problem is gone.

I hoped that helped. I am rushing through the review because I have to go to work, stupid work. Good luck, I really do like this. I would like to pick up on more but time is short. One thing I will point out is that you watch out on making this to cliche. I've read stories like before plenty of times. Make sure you think outside of the box, your readers will love you for it.

-Good luck, Apple.
I spy!
  





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Sat Aug 13, 2011 2:24 am
Audy says...



Hello hockeyfan,

I'm Audy. I agree very much with Apple and with much to add.

I read through this and I am left wanting more. Not that I'm particularly excited about what's going to happen next. What I want is CONFLICT! I'll go into that with more detail.

There are certain grammar mistakes throughout, which calls for a proofread on your part, they're pretty petty mistakes and you seem a capable writer so I'm not going to point them all out.

Also, It seems the formatting is a little off. I've tried using Firefox & IE, but it's probably YWS. I've looked through your other drafts of the novel and I see it seems to be a consistent problem. Try previewing your work before you post and see if you can fix up the formatting that way, otherwise it becomes taxing to read.

That aside, what I like about this is the fact that you seem to have an excellent handle on the characters, their background, and their appearances and personalities. The interactions between Austin and Sofia are nicely done. They seem a cute couple. I mean, you tell us as much.

They're best friends. They are comfortable with each other. There's a bit of chemistry, at least typical of their ages. Sofia's parents approve. A perfect relationship in a perfect little town set in the beginning of the school year. Everything is beautiful and perfect, right? BORING.

This was my favorite line of the entire piece: My grandma never let me forget how much she loved Austin; sometimes I think she likes him more than me.

Maybe I'm looking too much into this, but it seems to me as though Sofia - for as many times as she's said she loves Austin in this first chapter, is not really sure of it. Now, I could be wrong. That line could just be meant as a joke to exaggerate how pushy her grandmother is (my grandma is the same way, so it made me smile). But it would be much more interesting if this was a private thought of Sofia's. A doubt of some sort.

What I have to wonder as a reader is whether you have a handle on the plot. Where is this going? There is no hint of conflict. Without conflict, there is no story. Readers will get bored. That's why you see many writers try to "hook" the reader with the first sentence, or within the first chapter. But that's not the only way to write a story. That's why I'm giving this a chance. I hope this'll capture more of my interest in the second chapter.

Remember, as a reader I couldn't care less about how attractive the characters look. In fact, some of my favorite characters of all time are the least attractive people in fiction. I could care less about whether someone has brown hair or blond--unless it is somehow relevant to the story as a whole.

In any case, there seems to be a tiny sliver of a hint at the end towards conflict. So much mention and foreshadowing of sex. I mean, nobody in the house, two young teens so much in "love", a warning from the parents, of course it's going to happen, right?

Please continue with this. Feel free to message me when you have the next chapter up, and if you have any questions or would like me to explain anything or any help, just send me a message.

Remember, conflict!

~ As Always, Audy
  





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Sat Aug 13, 2011 2:30 am
mjn219 says...



That was pretty good, there are some problems but your young, I'm young so i get it...
  








You're wrong about humanity. They are your greatest creation because they're better than you are. Sure, they're weak, and they cheat and steal and destroy and disappoint, but they also give and create, and they sing and dance and love. Above all, they never give up.
— Metatron