Young Writers Society

Marcus Carter was sitting in his room, trying to focus on his english summer assignment. It was due the next day, also known as the first day of his senior year at high school. This would be the last summer assignment he would ever have to do. He ran a hand through his curly black hair as his blue eyes scanned the pages in front of him. He could never think of what to write for these assignments. It was all just busy work anyway.

"'Read Act I of Macbeth and share your thoughts,'" Marcus read aloud to himself. He put pen to paper and wrote:

Macbeth is the stupidest play I have ever read. In this play, a war is going on between...

'Wait, who was the war between?' He wondered as he opened his copy of Macbeth.

"So, you are the one to blame for this!" Came Mr. Carter's booming voice from the living room. Of course his dad had to start rehearsing when Marcus was trying to do his school work. Couldn't he give it a rest?

"Aha! Did you hear that Captain? I told you!" Mr. Carter announced.

Marcus plugged his ears and put his head on his desk. He hated it when his dad was rehearsing lines, especially when he was trying to focus on his homework. How could his parents expect him to get straight A's with his dad yelling out random lines all of the time?

Donald Carter, a short chubby man, was an actor - the best, actually. He was always getting calls from his agent informing him of upcoming casting calls. He ended up turning down a dozen movies a month. He did about three or four decent movies in a year. He was almost never home, always in some foreign country or a far away city. And when he was home, all he did was rehearse and criticize Marcus.

"And now, I think it will be proper if we--"

Marcus had had enough. He slammed shut his copy of Macbeth, chucked it onto the bed and stomped down to the living room. Both of his parents were there, his dad standing in front of the fireplace as his mom sat on the couch.

"Will you cut it out dad? I'm trying to finish my summer work!" Marcus yelled. His parents stared at him, mouths agape. He realized his mistake too late.

"Marcus Anthony Carter, you told me you were done with you summer work two weeks ago," Mrs. Carter said. "Did you lie to me?"

"I--uh--well it was a..."

"Answer your mother." His dad demanded, arms crossed.

"Yes. I lied to you." Marcus said in a small voice, twiddling his thumbs and staring down at the floor. He was in trouble now. His parents were always hounding him about doing well in school. The summer assignment was worth 100 points and at the time Marcus was looking at a 'C' average to start the semester.

"Never lie to me again. Do you understand?" Mrs. Carter reprimanded. Marcus nodded.

Violet Carter had met her husband, Donald at a casting call. She had agreed to produce the movie's soundtrack. It had been her big break, along with her husband's. She was a slender woman who always wore a dress. Her black hair was in a tight bun and the glasses she wore made her look like a school teacher.

"Are you ready for the party?" Donald asked his son.

"That's tonight?!" Marcus asked. His parents both nodded. "Shit! I'm not ready for school tomorrow! Can't I stay home?"

"Don't cuss. And no, you can't stay home." his mother said.

He turned and stomped up the steps. Just before he slammed his bedroom door, he shouted, "Shit!" just loud enough for his parents to hear.

Half an hour later, Marcus was wandering around a huge room, bored out of his mind. They were at some country club and there were a ton of rich people at the party. But there was no one his age there. There never was. Why'd his aprents insist on dragging him to these kind of things anyway? It's not like he got anything out of it.

He found a couch and sat down. Nobody noticed him and nobody cared. He was just another face in the crowd. He sat quietly and began to people watch. One woman looked considerably drunk and was hanging all over her date. He seemed aggitated with her, pushing her off his shoulder every so often. He was talking with another man, smiling and nodding.

He was scanning the crowd when he saw her. He sat up straighter and stared. He only saw a glimpse of her face before she disappeared into the crowd again. It was soft with a hint of pink on her cheecks. Her brown hair was curly and silver earrings dangled from each earlobe.

He couldn't believe it. There was actually another kid at the party. Usually when he went to a party it was nothing but adults. Boring, boring adults bragging about their achievments. He had to find this girl. Maybe she was like him, maybe she'd be at more of these. If he could make friends with her then he'd be set for the next party, and the party after that.

Marcus stood up and braved the crowd. Every so often he'd catch a glimpse of her, but she'd disappear again. How was he going to find her again with all of the people there? He'd just have to keep moving. Hopefully he'd find her before the night was over.

Hello again.

So, I see the style of narration you're going with here. I can only assume it's going to have many different angles to it as the story goes on, which is sort of neat to guess. Anyway though, so you switched to this secondary character Marcus' point of view. I can sort of get the vibe for his personality and family a little already. You might want to work on further developing his relationships down the line as well though. One thing I found sort of off was the way he interacted with his parents. He seemed sort of... young. I'm assuming your characters are around fourteen considering Kendall is going into high school as a freshmen, so the immaturity seems about right. There was one part in here though as well, which I'll go ahead and quote for you:

"Lying is wrong," Mrs. Carter reprimanded. "Never lie to me again. Do you understand?" Marcus nodded.

This was a bit like a mother scolding a five-year-old. I'm sure Marcus being a teenager knows lying is wrong, and I'm sure his mother knows that he knows it's wrong, so I don't thing the way the scolding was worded seemed very accurate for a kid his age. But that's just me being nitpicky again. But since I'm on the path of nitpickiness, here are a few other things that I spotted:

Of course his dad had to start rehearsing when Marcus was trying to do his school work.

He hated it when his dad was rehearsing lines, especially when he was trying to focus on his homework. How could his parents expect him to get straight A's with his dad yelling out random lines all of the time?

Donald Carter, a short chubby man, was an actor-the best there was actually.

I think this would sound a lot better with spacings between the dash and removing the word was before actually and replacing it with a comma.

He ended up turning down about one hundred movies a month.

This here seems a bit unrealistic. Maybe instead of one hundred movies a month you could say something more along the lines of, "handfuls of gigs a month.")

He was almost never home, always in some foreign country or a far away city. And when he was home(,) all he did was rehearse and criticize Marcus.

Both of his parents were there, his dad standing in front of the fireplace as his mom sat on the couch.

"Yes. I lied to you(,)" Marcus said in a small voice, twiddling with his thumbs and staring [down] at the floor.

"Don't cuss. And no, you can't stay home(,)" his mother said.

He sat quietly and began to people watch. (I think you meant "watch people".)

That's about it for my nitpicks I think. I suppose the overall pace of the story is relatively the same, as well as chapter size, but if you plan on keeping it relatively consistent like that, then just be mindful of how quickly you unfold the story at least. You should probably be fine.

Another thing I wanted to point out was when Marcus spotted the girl in the crowd. I'm assuming that girl is Kendall from the other chapter of yours. Or at least one of the other girls. He seemed to spot her quite abruptly. I could see how you were easing into it, but when you finally got to the part where he sees her, it's almost as if there was an abrupt leap made from one description of what he was staring at to another. He also seemed quite eager to find her. Not curious, just eager. It made me wonder why it was so imperative he find her, when it was just a curious thing to see this young girl at this party. Make it sound a little bit more natural.

Anyway though, I think that's about it for my take on this chapter. I wish you luck with the rest of your story! If I see any continuing chapters I'll be sure to swing by and offer a review, as I'm aware how difficult it can be to obtain reviewers on novels. More so as the chapters climb. Nice work.

-Smylin'

Hi, I'm Sarah and I'll be reviewing your work today!

I liked the general idea of this chapter a lot. However, it seemed a little rushed to me. If you could slow the pace down a bit, it would be greatly improved.

Here are some grammatical nitpicks:

d=Her black hair was in a tight bun and the glasses she wore made her look like a school teacher.

Why'd his aprents insist on dragging him to these kind of things anyway?

You added a random 'd' and an equal sign, and mispelled parents. These are just simple errors that you made while typing and are an easy fix. Just thought I'd point them out.

'Wait, who was the war between?' He wondered as he opened his copy of Macbeth.

I suggest italicizing his thoughts here.

"Will you cut it out dad? I'm trying to finish my summer work!" Marcus yelled.

You may want to add a comma after 'out' and capitalize 'Dad'.

"Answer your mother." His dad demanded, arms crossed.

In this sentence, you should put a comma instead of a period after the dialogue.

It's not like he got anything out of it.

This sounded a little weird to me. I would rephrase it as: "It wasn't like he got anything out of it."

He seemed aggitated with her, pushing her off his shoulder every so often.

"Aggitated" is spelled "agitated".

These are just small mistakes that'll take seconds to fix. Once you edit these and slow down the pace, you'll be golden. I can't wait to read more of your novel, and good luck. Hope this review helps!

Hi! I am Hockeyfan87 and I am here to edit your story! My comments will be in some sort of red color

Marcus Carter was sitting in his room, trying to focus on his english English summer assignment. It was due the next day, alsoI think it may sound better if you said, otherwise instead of also, but that is just me known as the first day of school. He ran a hand through his curly black hair commaas his blue eyes scanned the pages in front of him. He could never think of what to write for these assignments. It was all just busy work anyway.

"'Read Act I of Macbeth and share your thoughts,'" Marcus read aloud to himself. He put pen to paper and wrote:

Macbeth is the stupidest play I have ever read. In this play, a war is going on between...

'Wait, who was the war between?' He wondered commaas he opened his copy of Macbeth.

"So, you are the one to blame for this!" Camereword, Mr. Carters booming voice came from the living room. It sounds a lot better I think personally Mr. Carter's booming voice from the living room. Of course his dad had to start rehursing when Marcus was trying to do his school work. Couldn't he give it a rest?

"Aha! Did you hear that Captain? I told you!" Mr. Carter announced.

Marcus plugged his ears and put his head on his desk. He hated it when his dad was rehursing lines, escpecially when he was trying to focus on his homework. How could his parents expect him to get staright A's with his dad yelling ouout random lines all of the time?

Donald Carter, a short chubby man, was an actor-the best there was actually. He was always getting calls from his agent informing him of upcoming casting calls. He ended up turning down about one hundred movies a month. He did about three or four decent movies in a year. He was almost never home, always in some foerign country or a far away city.comma never start with conjuction, make it far away city, and he when he was home... get it? And when he was home all he did was rehurse and criticize Marcus.

"And now, I think it will be proper if we--"

Marcus had had enough. He slammed shut his copy of Macbeth, chucked it onto the bed and stomped down to the living room. Both of his parents were there, his dad standing in fron tof front ofthe fireplace as his mom sat on the couch.

"Will you cut it out dad? I'm trying to finish my summer work!" Marcus yelled. His parents stared at him, mouths agape. He realized his mistake too late.

"Marcus Anthony Carter, you told me you were done with you summer work two weeks ago," Mrs. Carter said.comma not period "Did you lie to me?"

"I--uh--well it was a..."

"Answer your mother."comma not period His dad demanded, arms crossed.

"Yes. I lied to you." comma not periodMarcus said in a small voice, twidling with his thumbs and stared at the floor. He was in trouble now. His parents were always hounding him about doing well in school. The summer assignment was worth 100 points and at the time Marcus was looking at a 'C' average to start the semester.

"Lieinglying is wrong," Mrs. Carter repremanded. "Never lie to me again. Do you understand?" Marcus nodded.

Violet Carter had met her husband, Donald at a casting call. She had agreed to produce the movie's soundtrack. It had been her big break, along with her husband's. She was a slender woman who always wore a dress. d=delete =dHer black hair was in a tight bun Reword: "her black hair was in a tight bun and she wore her glasses that made her look like a school teacherand the glasses she wore made her look like a school teacher.

"Are you ready for the party?" Donald asked his son.

"That's tonight?!" Marcus asked. His parents both nodded. comma not period"Shit! I'm not ready for school tomorrow! Can't I stay home?"

"Don't cuss. And no, you can't stay home." comma not periodhis mother said.

He turned and stomped up the steps. Just before he slammed his bedroom door, he shouted, "Shit!" just loud enough for his parents to hear.

Half an hour later, Marcus was wandering around a huge room, bored out of his mind. They were at some country club and there were a ton of rich people at the party. combine sentences or delete but.But there was no one his age there. comma not periodThere never was. Why'd his aprents insist on dragging him to these kind of things anyway? It's not like he got anything out of it.

He found a couch and sat down. Nobody noticed him and nobody cared. He was just another face in the crowd. He sat quietly and began to people watch. One woman looked considerably drunkcomma and was hanging all over her date. He seemed aggitated with her, pushing her off his shoulder every so often. He was talking with another man, smiling and nodding.

He was scanning the crowd when he saw her. He sat up straighter and stared. He only saw a glimpse of her face before she disappeared into the crowd again. It was soft with a hint of pink on her cheecks. comma not periodHer brown hair was curly and she woresilver earringswhich dangled from each of herearlobe.

Marcus stood upcomma and if it is present tense it would be "Marcus stood up, braving the crowd. and braved the crowd. Every so often he'd catch a glimpse of her, but she'd disappear again. How was he going to find her again with all of the people there? He'd just have to keep moving. comma not periodHopefully he'd find her before the night was over.
Overall? Not bad. Few mistakes from typing fast but that happens to everyone. I hope my review helps you. This story has a lot of potential. PM me whe you post more or post the edited version or if you have a question with my review!
~Jenn

Hello!
It's me again
I've found some typo's and stuff, but I can see people already corrected them for you so I'm not going to hound you about it. Just watch out for them next time, okay?