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Trust (Chapter 2) and Author's Breaks!



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Points: 940
Reviews: 21
Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:25 pm
jolene says...



Authors’ Break!

Here is the diagram of the bus:


Geeks I
Preps
Country S
Preps
The Others L
Preps
Punks E
Preps
Goths
The Populars
Crystal Hail


I know it’s weird, but that’s how it will be throughout the story. I will do this often.
So…Back to the story!

Chapter Two!

As Crystal walked to the back of the bus, all the preps gave her a distilled look. But as for the others (Geeks, Country’s, Others, Punks and the Goths), gave her hopeful eyes. Crystal rolled her eyes. But as she got close to the popular people, she noticed someone new.

He had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. They were a dark but light purple. She did not even know people could have that gorgeous shade for eyes. “To bad there is too many people on the bus,” she thought grimly to herself. “I wish I could read his mind.”

At that moment, he turned his fair-haired head to stare at her. “Yeah, too bad.” A voice filled her mind. Also, a soft, seductive laughter was followed after that. She froze and could not do anything but gaze into his eyes.

“What are you looking at, freak?” A popular teenager yelled in her ear. Hail jumped up from her seat.

“Hey! Leave her alone!” she defended Crystal.

The new guy turned and started to glare at the other popular kids.

“Hey! Are you not the new guy?” Whitney Sailor asked the new kid.

When Crystal heard his voice, she was astonished hat it was just almost the same voice that was in her head. “Yeah, so what about it?”

“I dunno; I just wanted to know my neighbor.” Whitney slyly answered back with a wink.

“A little help here. Please?” someone pleaded in her mind.

Crystal shook her long coffee colored locks and responded, “Sorry no can do.” She went to the back of the back of the bus, to her seat. Just before she turned to Hail, to tell her sit down, she heard a deep groan.

“So…” Hail greeted me, “Why was the new guy staring at you for?” Crystal just shrugged her shoulders. Hail sighed, “Well I don’t know either, but his family owns the big mansion next to you and the slut.” Crystal giggled; Hail scoffed, “What? It’s true!”

So Crystal and Hail talked about how far it is to go to school from where they lived. When the school bus got to GHS, all of the preps jumped up and pushed their way to the front.

“Stupid preps,” Hail stated while looking at ‘the others’ group.

“Yep. I know they’re dim-witted, but don’t say it too loud; because if you do, the ‘preps’ and some of the ‘popular’ will attack you and make you wear a frilly pink dress” Crystal sneered to Hail. Hail begins laughing until everyone stopped moving and stared at her. “Come on! Move! We don’t have all day, you know!” Crystal yelled. At once, traffic on the bus went back to normal.

“Wow, Crystal! I’m still not used to you and your…things.” Hail almost said out loud, but caught herself.

“I know Hail. You don’t have to say it out loud,” Crystal commented.

Once they got off the bus, the principal came on the intercoms. “Attention students at Gateway High School! Please enter the auditorium for the first day assembles. Thank you!”

Crystal and Hail looked at each other. “Okay. This is new. Let’s go Hail.” Crystal ordered.
While they were walking toward the auditorium, Crystal felt a presence looking at them. She stopped and turned around. No one was there.

“Um, Crystal? What’s wrong?” Hail asked suspiciously.

Crystal just stood there and looked everywhere. Hail waved her right hand in front of Crystal’s face. “Hello?” she asked her friend, “is Crystal there?” Crystal didn’t answer. Hail snapped her fingers this time, then finally, finally! Crystal shook her head and said,“Yeah?, Oh, hey. Sorry I felt that someone was watching us.” Crystal smiled apologetically.

“It’s okay.” Hail cheesed-smiled back. “You just scared me a bit.”

Crystal shook her head, which sent her auburn hair cascading around her shoulders. “Sorry, come one. Let’s see what’s happening.”


I hope you LIked it!
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

LOOK HERE!

Spoiler! :
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498 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22451
Reviews: 498
Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:47 pm
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theotherone says...



Hello, it's me again. :)

Tired of my reviews yet? ;)
To bad there is too many people on the bus, she thought grimly to herself. I wish I could read his mind.

Normally, writers put thoughts in italics so it's less confusing. We won't confuse the real dialogue to her thoughts.
When Crystal heard his voice, she was astonished that it was just almost the same voice that was in her head.

She went to the back of the back of the bus, to her seat.

“A little help here. Please?” someone pleaded in her mind.

Also, you might want to find a way to write this so we don't confuse dialogue and them talking in her head. Maybe italics could work for this too.
Hail began to laugh until everyone stopped moving and stared at her.

Make sure you stick with past tense.

We have a little problem here.
Crystal shook her long coffee colored locks and responded, “Sorry no can do.”

Crystal shook her head, which sent her auburn hair cascading around her shoulders.

Is her hair brown, or auburn? Make sure it matches. ;)

Plot wise, it was okay, like the first chapter. The action hasn't picked up yet, so I can't really say much. But I like that they may be a guy like her... ;) And he's hot. Of course, if he wouldn't be, there would be a problem. :P

The flow is a problem again. You tell a lot when you should show us instead. More thoughts... Again. It would help a lot. :)

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





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21 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 940
Reviews: 21
Mon Aug 08, 2011 8:09 pm
jolene says...



well brown is Auburn...but a little red in it too... and thank you! ^-^
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

LOOK HERE!

Spoiler! :
If you support LGBT people please come join at this group! viewgroup.php?f=336
  








Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath