Young Writers Society

Chapter 19

I stood in Sam’s room, waiting for him.

We were headed to film a music video for my YouTube channel. Since this whole drama revelation ended, I finally decided to do something reasonable.

“Sam… hurry up,” I begged.

The door opened with Sam running to me all smiles.

“I’m ready,” he said breathlessly.

I know, it sounds so romantic and corny but, truly, it’s not supposed to. He was literally breathless.

“What’s you do, run a mile?” I asked.

“Ha-ha-ha,” he fake laughed.

I smiled, grabbing my camcorder from his glass desk and hit record.

“Hold it,” I told him.

Sam took it from my hands and placed the camcorder onto his dresser.

“Hola, YouTubers!” I said cheerfully.

“I’m Jessa and this is my best friend Sam,” I added, pulling Sam into a side hug.

“We have something special for you…” Sam started.

We let go, leaving me standing alone.

“Today we’re making a music video to the song Animal by Neon Trees!” he finished, clasping his hands together.

“So, I hope you enjoy it!”

Sam walked up to the camera and hit the record button to stop the video. Taking it, we left his room and headed for the stairs. Our feet made loud thumps as we hit every wooden step.

Once we hit the floor, we headed out of the house and into the backyard. There was no snow, only slush and cold winds. Christmas had passed so quickly I barely remember it anymore.

Thank God we had our coats on or else we would freeze to death.

Ha-ha.

We started making the video by dancing around, singing to the song, playing out some of the scenes that correspond with the song.

Jumping up into the freezing air, I waved my hands above my head. Sam copied me, showing the flow between us.

This is the best day ever.

No relationship crises or any trouble.

Just happiness.

Hey there~!

I like this story, I really do. It seems to have good flow through the chapters, as well as a positive plot. However, unfortunately, there are more things I don't like than what I do. Now, when you put your work up, you're just asking for a brutal review once in a while, and I'm sure you know that, considering your time here on YWS.

First of all, in each of the chapters, not only this one, it's very short, choppy, and doesn't have much body to it. I've noticed a lot of dialogue. Too much dialogue is never a good thing. Another thing, I'm not very hooked by this. It's seems a little... unorigional? Maybe give it a twist here and there, and I'm sure people will become a lot more interested.

Let me ask you, as I'm sure you do, but do you have a favorite book? I want you to think about something, is that book just dialogue? Most books, good or bad, have full paragraphs of four to five sentences, with a few single sentances here and there, mainly for dramatic effect. Try working on desribing things, like emotions, and feelings, and the settings around the characters when you write.

It really makes reading a lot more interesting for the actual readers.

~Chups

Although this was the shortest of your chapters it was easily my favourite. Her thoughts don't jump about as much as usual and it was actually quite pleasant to read.
This is actually the chapter I clicked on first and then went back to number one. Your writing style has definitely got better throughout but it still needs a lot of work. It's hard to follow, and vrey disjointed. See if there are any writing classes nearby, you could learn something new from them