Young Writers Society

Chapter 2
Switching dorms

As I lay in bed, I could here the rain beat of the window, it was calming, since Ella came everything felt wrong, as if I had done something, I lay on my bed hoping that I could lie here all day, to sore to move, my head was hurting. I was suddenly snapped out of my relaxed state, by someone knocking the door too loud for anyone this early in the morning I got up and dressed, before I opened the door to see who would knock so loud. I opened the door to find Angelia there
“Forget you’re dorm pass again?” I laughed
“Shut up!”
She said in an almost evil voice. She limped into the dusty dorm room. I snickered
“Break a heel?”
At this point I was laughing hysterically. I was answered with a scary look, which warned me not to say anything again.

As I walked down the long, grey corridor, I saw a young girl crying, my heart automatically gave out to her. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She sniffed and she looked like she was going to talk but then she let out a giant scream, she wrapped her arms around my legs, and I almost fell over,
“Is everything okay?” I had to ask.
She whimpered,
“I just found out my mummy and daddy died yesterday!”
This little girl has lost more than me, yet I thought I could relate to her. She looked about nine. I was too afraid for this little girl to ask questions. She stopped crying and let go of me, and got up, as one of the nuns came round the corner. She ran of as if nothing was going on, though yet again I felt sorry for this little girl. I wish I could do that pretend that nothings going on. That would make life so easy, but that’s the problem life is hard you never know what will come around the next corner, you just have to hope for the best, fate has a funny way of working it self out, you hear about people committing suicide, or threatening to committee it, but deep down there just scared, it’s not that easy. They never think about the people around them, there mum or dad, scared thinking that they should have helped; They don’t think about those they are leaving behind, you would always find one in there family thinking it was there fault, and they can’t tell them it’s not, because they were to impatient to wait for fate to play the right card. I wish suicide was that easy, but it’s defiantly not. Nothing is ever that bad, I would just have to suck it up until the right card is played.

The bell rung for me to go class, so I walked in the other direction, I wasn’t ready to go to class again, I ran outside, tears coming out and burning my eyes, I ran into the gardens of the school, the mud soaking through my shoes, I felt so stupid. I looked around with blurred vision, as I started to run, I was hoping to avoid, everyone, I just needed to be alone. I ran to the back of the school, only to find Ella standing there, I couldn’t understand why she was here but I didn’t ask questions. I tried to avoid her, but failing miserably. I ran straight into her, it wasn’t the first time this had happened, but today she seemed to be expecting it. Her arms rapped round me.
“It’s all right, everything is going to be okay,” she sounded so serious and actually a bit sorry.
“How do you know?”
I half screamed at her.
“Trust me, he will be back.”
That wasn’t why I was crying but she was comforting me. How did she know about Nick? Did she follow me here? When I lifted my head of her shoulder I realised I soaked her shirt were I was crying. She laughed and pushed me away from her, and looked at my face
“Dry your eyes, no point crying over spilt milk,” She whispered into my ear.
Of course I was completely confused at this, but I didn’t ask questions.

After the bell rung I had to go to P.E. I didn’t care maybe if I ran it would clear my head, but when I got to class we were told that Miss Karnal was sick, I was completely annoyed at this P.E teachers don’t get sick, I wasn’t into being healthy, but it beats doing extra maths work. I drifted through my classes for the rest of the day, trying not to remember what had just happened. But my fear over came me, forcing me into a pit of despair, I was alone here, as usual.

The day was over, thank God, it seemed like the longest day ever. I felt sick, depressed and tired. I walked back to my dorm to find my things at the door to my room. I ran for the door, hitting it as hard as I could, Angelia answered,
“Forget your dorm pass?” She laughed a real evil laugh throwing her head back in the process
“Yes, now let me in Angelia.”
“Actually this isn’t your dorm anymore, you share a dorm with that creepy new girl, now please remove your filthy, old shoes from my door way.”
I removed my foot and the door was slammed in my face. I grabbed my stuff and set of down the corridor, in search of my new room. I couldn’t believe my luck , I felt tired my feet were peeling, I wanted to cry out but I couldn’t like something was stopping me, like a wall. My life was getting worse as it went along. I wasn’t feeling well, my chest was tight, my heart was going a thousand miles per hour and there was no sign of it slowing down.

After about an hour, I finally found her dorm. It was near the bottom floor. I knocked on the door, and was answered after a view minutes, the door opened spilling light onto the corridor.
“Ella?”
She looked different; her hair was down falling across her face making her look much younger.
“Yes.”
“I was told this was my new dorm,”
She looked at me as if I was an alien, but she stepped aside letting me through.
“Can you lift some of my stuff in please?”
“Yeh of course.”
She said suddenly sounding excited. “This is going to be amazing.”
I laughed; as she left to get my things I grabbed Nick’s journal and stuffing it in between a floor board that lifted up. I wanted to read it but I was afraid what was in it. Maybe he talked about his mum, or me, or maybe he said, why he attacked Ryan? All these questions left my mind as I saw Ella struggling to get my stuff through the door, I walked over to help, but she told me to just sit down, I did what she said, though I felt bad as she kept tripping over and falling over her own feet. As she tried to get to the door I examined her dorm. Her dorm was almost the same as my old dorm, the only thing different of this one was she had her own bed sheets they were bright purple with blue circles the ones on my bed were covered with pink, gold, green, purple, yellow hearts.

It took her a while but I was entirely grateful. When she was finished she sat own on my bed a started to talk, I could barely understand a word she was saying because she was talking too fast.
“I can’t believe this,”
“Well believe it.”
I laughed, eventually she left my bed to go to her own. After a while I found myself drifting in and out of sleep. This was a new room, I was afraid that Nick wouldn’t be able to find me, or that he would climb through the window and get caught by Angelia, my heart shrunk, as I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning, with a doctor looking over me; I felt a tiny bit embarrassed, as I was wearing my tank top and my pyjama shorts. How long was he there for, I suddenly realised there was something in my wrist pumping some kind of liquid into me. I felt a wave of heat come over me forcing me to jump up straight, the doctor handed me a bucket, probably thinking I was going to be sick but I passed out.

* * *
In the dream I was walking along a long road, which seemed it would never end, I suddenly realised I was walking along water, the cool salty water splashing my feet. The calm sea breeze flowing through my hair. Then suddenly the sky grew darker and I could taste smoke in my mouth, it was all so sudden, night had came, there were no stars in the sky but floating beside me, there faint glow showing a lot of trees the dull brown making it look darker. I reached out to touch one of the stars I got closer and closer…. “Hailey, Hailey, what’s wrong?”

I was woken, and I was annoyed, Ella stood over me looking over me,
“Are you okay?” she sounded worried, fear taking over her voice.
I tried to talk but was stopped as I felt the vomit coming up. I leaned over the side of my bed looking for the bucket but it was too late I threw up all over myself.
“What’s wrong with me?” I muttered.
“The doctor said nothing too serious but we have to be careful around you.” She muttered the last part.
“What is that suppose to mean?” She shrugged
“I’m going to get you a drink I will be right back.”
I was surely dyeing, the pain in my wrist came, I wanted to rub it but there were bandages around, I felt worse. What had they done to me, was it legal?
I sat in my bed waiting for her to come back, she took too long so I went and got a shower in the shower I couldn’t understand why I was sick I was perfectly healthy and with that I jumped out of the shower and I threw up into the toilet. I was too tired to wait for Ella to come back, so I lay down hopping my dream would come back to me but it didn’t, I dreamed of nothing, or at least nothing I could remember.

Hey there
I'm Truth, here for a review!

I'm sorry, it might look very intimidating with all this red, but no worries, it's nothing too big. All of my corrections are suggestions, after all, you are the master!

sarahk1771 wrote:Chapter 2
Switching dorms

As I lay in bed, I could hear the rain beating against the window, it was calming. period Since Ella came, comma everything felt wrong, as if I had done something. period I lay on my bed hoping that I could lie here all day, too sore to move, and my head was hurting.
I was suddenly snapped out of my relaxed state, by someone knocking on the door, comma too loud for anyone this early in the morning. period I got up and dressed, before I opened the door to see who would knock so loud. I opened the door to find Angelia there.
Okay, whoa, these are major run-on sentences. Be careful to stay within the same subject in one sentence, without using too much periods. It's a hard thing to do, to find the balance but I know you can do it I'll do a bit, to suggest some places where you could break it off.

“Forget you’re dorm pass again?” I laughed

“Shut up!”

She said in an almost evil voice. She limped into the dusty dorm room. I snickered, comma
“Break a heel?”

At this point, comma I was laughing hysterically. I was answered with a scary look, which warned me not to say anything again.

As I walked down the long, grey corridor, I saw a young girl crying. My heart automatically gave out to her, comma “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

She sniffed and she looked like she was going to talk, comma but then she let out a giant scream, and wrapped her arms around my legs. period I almost fell over,
“Is everything okay?” I had to ask.

She whimpered, “I just found out my mummy and daddy died yesterday!”

This little girl had lost more than me, yet I thought I could relate to her. She looked about nine. I was too afraid for this little girl to ask questions. She stopped crying and let go of me, and got up, as one of the nuns came around the corner. She ran off, comma as if nothing was going on, though yet again, comma I felt sorry for this little girl. I wish I could do that, comma pretend that nothing was going on. That would make life so easy, but that was the problem life is hard, comma you never know what would be coming around the next corner. period You just had to hope for the best, fate has a funny way of working it self out. period You hear about people committing suicide, or threatening to committee it, but deep down they were just scared, it was not that easy. They never were thinking about the people around them. period Their mum or dad, scared, comma thinking that they should have helped; They didn’t think about those they were leaving behind. period you would always find one in their family, comma thinking it was their fault, and they couldn’t tell them it wasn't, because they were too impatient to wait for fate to play the right card. I wished suicide would be that easy, but it was definitely not. Nothing was ever that bad, I would just have to suck it up until the right card was played.

The bell rung for me to go class, so I walked in the other direction. period I wasn’t ready to go to class yet, so I ran outside, tears coming out and burning my eyes. period I ran into the gardens of the school, the mud soaking through my shoes, I felt so stupid. I looked around with blurred vision, as I started to run Third time you are saying 'started to run' if the repetition is there for a reason, it's alright, but if it's not, then it does nothing, period I was hoping to avoid everyone, I just needed to be alone. I ran to the back of the school, only to find Ella standing there. Period I couldn’t understand why she was here, comma but I didn’t ask questions. I tried to avoid her, but failing miserably. I ran straight into her, it wasn’t the first time this had happened, but today she seemed to be expecting it. Her arms wrapped around me.

“It’s all right, everything is going to be okay,” she sounded so serious, comma and actually a bit sorry.

“How do you know?” I half screamed at her.

“Trust me, he will be back.”

That wasn’t why I was crying, comma but she was comforting me. How did she know about Nick? Had she follow me here? When I lifted my head off of her shoulder I realized I had soaked her shirt where I was crying. She laughed and pushed me away from her, and looked at my face

“Dry your eyes, no point crying over spilt milk,” She whispered into my ear.

Of course I was completely confused at this, but, again, I didn’t ask questions.

After the bell rung I had to go to P.E. I didn’t care, comma maybe if I ran it would clear my head, but when I got to class we were told that Miss Karnal was sick. period I was completely annoyed at this. period P.E teachers don’t get sick. preriod I wasn’t into being healthy, but it would beat doing extra maths work. I drifted through my classes for the rest of the day, trying not to remember what had just happened. But my fear overcame me, forcing me into a pit of despair. period I was alone here, as usual.

The day was over, thank God. period it seemed like the longest day ever. I felt sick, depressed and tired. I walked back to my dorm to find my things at the door of my room. I ran to the door, hitting it as hard as I could. period

Angelia answered,“Forget your dorm pass?” She laughed a real evil laugh, comma throwing her head back in the process.

“Yes, now let me in Angelia.”

“Actually this isn’t your dorm anymore, you share a dorm with that creepy new girl. period Now please remove your filthy, old shoes from my doorway.”

I removed my foot of the way and the door was slammed in my face. I grabbed my stuff and setted off down the corridor, in search of my new room. I couldn’t believe my luck. period I felt tired, comma my feet were peeling, I wanted to cry out, comma but I couldn’t. period As if something was stopping me, like a wall. My life was getting worse as it went along. I wasn’t feeling well, my chest was tight, my heart was going a thousand miles per hour and there was no sign of it slowing down.

After about an hour, I finally found her dorm. It was near the bottom floor. I knocked on the door, and was answered after a view minutes. period The door opened, comma spilling light onto the corridor.

“Ella?”

She looked different; her hair was down, comma falling across her face and making her look much younger.
“Yes.”

“I was told this was my new dor.,”

She looked at me as if I was an alien, but she stepped aside, comma letting me through.

“Can you lift some of my stuff in, comma please?”

“Yeah, comma of course, comma”She said, comma suddenly sounding excited, comma “This is going to be amazing.”

I laughed; as she left to get my things, comma I grabbed Nick’s journal and stuffed it in between a floor board that lifted up. I wanted to read it, comma but I was afraid what was in it. Maybe he talked about his mum, or me, or maybe he said, why he had attacked Ryan? All these questions left my mind as I saw Ella, comma struggling to get my stuff through the door. period I walked over to help, but she told me to just sit down. period I did what she said, though I felt bad, comma seeing as she kept tripping over and falling over her own feet. As she tried to get to the door, comma I examined her dorm. Her dorm It was almost the same as my old dorm, the only thing different of this one was except she had her own bed sheets. period They were bright purple,comma with blue circles. period The ones on my bed were covered with pink, gold, green, purple and yellow hearts. does she already think of it as her own bed?

It took her a while, comma but I was entirely grateful. When she was finished, comma she sat down on my bed a started to talk, I could barely understand a word she was saying because she was talking too fast.

“I can’t believe this.”

“Well believe it, comma” I laughed. period Eventually, comma she left my bed to go to her own. After a while, comma I found myself drifting in and out of sleep. This was a new room, I was afraid that Nick wouldn’t be able to find me, or that he would climb through the window and get caught by Angelia. period My heart shrunk, as I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning, with a doctor looking over me; I felt a tiny bit embarrassed, as I was wearing my tank top and my pajama shorts. How long was had he been there for? I suddenly realized there was something in my wrist, comma pumping some kind of liquid into me. I felt a wave of heat come over me, comma forcing me to jump up straight. period The doctor handed me a bucket, probably thinking I was going to be sick, comma but I passed out.

* * *
In the dream, comma I was walking along a long road, which seemed it would never end. period I suddenly realized I was walking along water, the cool salty water splashing my feet. The calm sea breeze flowing through my hair. Then suddenly the sky grew darker and I could taste smoke in my mouth. period It was all so sudden, night had came. period There were no stars in the sky but floating beside me, there was a faint glow, comma showing a lot of trees, comma the dull brown making it look darker. I reached out to touch one of the stars. period I got closer and closer…. “Hailey, Hailey, what’s wrong?” Loved this

I was awoken, and I was annoyed. period Ella stood over me looking down at me, “Are you okay?” she sounded worried, fear taking over her voice.

I tried to talk but was stopped, comma as I felt the vomit coming up. I leaned over the side of my bed looking for the bucket but it was too late, comma I threw up all over myself.

“What’s wrong with me?” I muttered.

“The doctor said nothing too serious, comma but we have to be careful around you, comma” She muttered the last part.

“What is that suppose to mean?”
She shrugged

“I’m going to get you a drink, comma I will be right back.”

I was surely dying. period The pain in my wrist came, and I wanted to rub it, comma but there were bandages around, period I felt worse. What had they done to me and, most importantly, was it legal?

I sat in my bed waiting for her to come back, she took too long, comma so I went and got a shower. period In the shower I couldn’t understand why I was sick. period I had been perfectly healthy. period and With that I jumped out of the shower and I threw up into the toilet. I was too tired to wait for Ella to come back, so I lay down, comma hopping my dream would come back to me. period But it didn’t, I had dreamt of nothing, or at least nothing I could remember.

Alright first thing, you should proof read your stuff before posting it. There aren't all that many spelling mistakes, they are mostly homophones.
Homophones... where/were, there/they're/their, of/off?
Where is referring to a place, Were is referring to the verb 'are' in the past tense.
There is, again, referring to a place (notice how Where and There all have the Here in them? they all represent a 'here'), They're is referring to 'they are', Their is a possessive adjective, so their will always be referring to something that's own by someone.
Off is used when you are talking about 'removing' and such, while Of is used as a preposition.
Hope that helped clarify things a bit

Overall, this looks great. I loved the emotions in it, the dialogue seemed realistic and the plot is getting along great. This looks very promising so keep on writing!
Feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns about any of my comments above

-Truth-

Hey, me again This was a pretty good chapter two. Although, there were still many flaws when it came to grammar and punctuation and the whole past tense present tense thing. But other than that I have to say I rather liked this one too.

You might want to go back through and reread some of this yourself. There was a lot of room for improvement in areas. Some of your sentences were unclear to me. And in the end didn't make much sense to me either. Why was she sick? Maybe you should have included a few clues leading up to her falling ill. Unless you have some other plan for this. but I feel you should maybe correct this bit:

I sat in my bed waiting for her to come back, she took too long so I went and got a shower in the shower I couldn’t understand why I was sick I was perfectly healthy and with that I jumped out of the shower and I threw up into the toilet. I was too tired to wait for Ella to come back, so I lay down hopping my dream would come back to me but it didn’t, I dreamed of nothing, or at least nothing I could remember.

Of course there are those grammatical errors, but what I'm meaning is the fact that you said she was hooked up to an IV. How could she have gotten into the shower? These things may seem insignificant, but in the end I feel that little details like this can stand out to the reader, causing more distraction.

I think that if you proofread some of your work, your chapters might come out a little more decent. But I really did like this a lot. Promise to read chapter 3 when you post it. Just message me when it is posted, and I'll do another review.

That was really cool! Again, as it was mentioned before, there are some grammar and spelling errors, but I'm not going to get into the gory details. I liked the ending, how it was a bit of a cliffhanger. I want to know what's in Nick's journal, and why she's sick! Really nice job!

Hey! It's me again! The first part of the chapter confused me, with the little girl. Ialso noticed a few things.

I was suddenly snapped out of my relaxed state, by someone knocking the door too loud for anyone this early in the morning

I don't think there should be a commaafter state, but after door there should be a comma. Also, you forgot a period on the end of the sentence.

“Forget you’re dorm pass again?” I laughed

There should be a period after laughed.

and I almost fell over,

The comma should be a period.[quote“Yeh of course.”][/quote]Yeh should be spelled yeah.

“What is that suppose to mean?” She shrugged

There should be a period after shrugged. Overall, I really liked it and can't wait to read more.


-Titan

Hi again!!! This chapter was very nice too... Though honestly in the end I got slightly confused... The error I could make out were spelling and grammatical errors. You need to work on it and improve. Overall it was very nice. As good as the previous chapter and as i said last time too:Write better... If you get it without any errors (which is not possible) or with minimum errors...It will be one hell of a novel.... Write more!!:)

Heyy
I'm here to review your work

Well so far- the story is great It gets kind of confusing in the end but I'm sure that with a bit of development this story is going to be amazing!

I don't get the first part- with the girl? Why is she there? How did she get there? Who is she?
Those were the questions that went through my head when I read that paragraph. You might need to like bring us up to that moment- like describe how she was walking down the corridor and heard the crying- and how she was all tense- you know bring us up to that moment.

“Shut up!”
She said in an almost evil voice. She limped into the dusty dorm room. I snickered

You can put those two lines on the same line.

That would make life so easy, but that’s the problem life is hard you never know what will come around the next corner, you just have to hope for the best, fate has a funny way of working it self out, you hear about people committing suicide, or threatening to committee it, but deep down there just scared, it’s not that easy.

Wow this sentence is a mouthful for a much more dramatic effect it'll be a good idea to put in full stops and break down this sentence to like three or two seperate sentences.

but it’s definitely not

The bell rang for me to go class, so I walked in the other direction. I wasn’t ready to go to class again. I ran outside, tears coming out and burning my eyes. Running into the gardens of the school, the mud soaking through my shoes. I felt so stupid.

Once again you might need to take a look at this sentence It's too long.

As for explanations- why did she feel stupid?

I removed my foot and the door was slammed in my face. I grabbed my stuff and set of down the corridor

there was a little error here- where did the stuff come from?? The door was slammed in her face wasn't it not? So it's better to keep an eye for little details like that. To give the reader a bigger picture- details are important for every story.

after a few minutes,

I grabbed Nick’s journal and stuffing it in between a floor board that lifted up

Loose floor board- might be a good one here.

In the dream I was walking along a long road, which seemed it would never end, I suddenly realised I was walking along water, the cool salty water splashing my feet. The calm sea breeze flowing through my hair. Then suddenly the sky grew darker and I could taste smoke in my mouth, it was all so sudden, night had came, there were no stars in the sky but floating beside me, there faint glow showing a lot of trees the dull brown making it look darker. I reached out to touch one of the stars I got closer and closer…. “Hailey, Hailey, what’s wrong?”

I like this paragraph it's detailed and descriptive

I sat in my bed waiting for her to come back, she took too long so I went and got a shower in the shower

you don't need to say that she got a shower in the shower

So in conclusion Your story is really depressing :O in a good way I LOVE the name Nick Great name selection there The chapters are going on nicely and yes- it really gets you wondering about what'll happen next What's wrong with Nick? And what's in his diary? The suspense is killing me
The only thing to improve is- details Details are important and they make up the whole picture
Apart from that Well done ANd keep writing

Oh and I LOVE the cover by the way

So even though chapter 1 wasn't my cup of tea, I thought I'd give this novel a second chance and review part 2!

Chapter 2
Switching dorms
As I lay in bed, I could here the rain beat of on the window, it was calming, since Ella came everything felt wrong, as if I had done something, I lay on my bed hoping that I could lie here all day, to sore to move, my head was hurting this is a huge run-on sentence. Each sentence should contain only one complete thought. Don‘t be afraid to cut some of these uber long sentences into pieces; if they sound too short, you can always lengthen them by adding detail.. I was you change tenses here. suddenly snapped out of my relaxed state, by someone knocking the door too loud for anyone this early in the morning I got up and dressed, before I opened the door to see who would knock so loud. I opened the door to find Angelia there
“Forget you’re your dorm pass again?” I laughed
“Shut up!”
She said in an almost evil voice. She limped into the dusty dorm room. I snickered
“Break a heel?”
At this point I was laughing hysterically. I was answered with a scary look, which warned me not to say anything again. And your character wonders why Angelina doesn’t like her.
As I walked down the long, grey corridor, I saw a young girl crying, my heart automatically gave out to her. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She sniffed and she looked like she was going to talk but then she let out a giant scream, she wrapped her arms around my legs, and I almost fell over,
“Is everything okay?” I had to ask.
She whimpered,
“I just found out my mummy and daddy died yesterday!”
This little girl has lost more than me, yet I thought I could relate to her. She looked about nine. I was too afraid for this little girl to ask questions. She stopped crying and let go of me, and got up, as one of the nuns came round the corner. She ran of as if nothing was going on, though yet again I felt sorry for this little girl. I wish I could do that pretend that nothings going on. That would make life so easy, but that’s the problem life is hard you never know what will come around the next corner, you just have to hope for the best, fate has a funny way of working it self out, you hear about people committing suicide, or threatening to committee it, but deep down there just scared, it’s not that easy. They never think about the people around them, there mum or dad, scared thinking that they should have helped; They don’t think about those they are leaving behind, you would always find one in there family thinking it was there fault, and they can’t tell them it’s not, because they were to impatient to wait for fate to play the right card. I wish suicide was that easy, but it’s defiantly not. Nothing is ever that bad, I would just have to suck it up until the right card is played. This whole paragraph is completely random. It doesn’t seem to fit into the plot at all. I don’t even know who that girl was, and she just went and walked off like nothing happened. Was there any real point to this besides giving us an opportunity to see her opinions on suicide? And what does that even have to do with the story?
The bell rung for me to go class, so I walked in the other direction, I wasn’t ready to go to class again, I ran outside, tears coming out and burning my eyes, I ran into the gardens of the school, the mud soaking through my shoes, I felt so stupid. I looked around with blurred vision, as I started to run, I was hoping to avoid, everyone, I just needed to be alone. Why was she so affected by that girl that she had to skip class? You told us that nothing that bad has ever happened before. I mean, you’d be upset, probably cry, but I don’t think that taking it to this extreme is very realistic. At least I would’ve gone to class crappy mood or not. I ran to the back of the school, only to find Ella standing there, I couldn’t understand why she was here but I didn’t ask questions. I tried to avoid her, but failing failed miserably. I ran straight into her, If you were really trying to avoid her you would’ve ducked somewhere out of sight not run straight into her. It doesn’t make any sense. it wasn’t the first time this had happened, but today she seemed to be expecting it. Her arms rapped wrapped round around me.
“It’s all right, everything is going to be okay,” she sounded so serious and actually a bit sorry.
“How do you know?”
I half screamed at her.
“Trust me, he will be back.”
That wasn’t why I was crying but she was comforting me. How did she know about Nick? Did she follow me here? When I lifted my head of her shoulder I realised I soaked her shirt were I was crying. She laughed and pushed me away from her, and looked at my face
“Dry your eyes, no point crying over spilt milk,” She whispered into my ear.
Of course I was completely confused at this, but I didn’t ask questions.
After the bell rung I had to go to P.E. I didn’t care maybe if I ran it would clear my head, but when I got to class we were told that Miss Karnal was sick, I was completely annoyed at this P.E teachers don’t get sick this makes no sense whatsoever, I wasn’t into being healthy, but it beats doing extra maths work. I drifted through my classes for the rest of the day, trying not to remember what had just happened. But my fear over came me, forcing me into a pit of despair, I was alone here, as usual. No, she’s not really alone. It seems like such a selfish thing to say. That little girl is alone, the one who lost her parents. But instead of feeling sad for the girl, she mopes over herself.
The day was over, thank God, it seemed like the longest day ever. I felt sick, depressed and tired. I walked back to my dorm to find my things at the door to my room. I ran for the door, hitting it as hard as I could, Angelia answered,
“Forget your dorm pass?” She laughed a real evil laugh throwing her head back in the process
“Yes, now let me in Angelia.”
“Actually this isn’t your dorm anymore, you share a dorm with that creepy new girl, now please remove your filthy, no comma old shoes from my door way.”
I removed my foot and the door was slammed in my face. I grabbed my stuff and set of down the corridor, in search of my new room. I couldn’t believe my luck , I felt tired my feet were peeling, I wanted to cry out but I couldn’t like something was stopping me, like a wall. My life was getting worse as it went along. I wasn’t feeling well, my chest was tight, my heart was going a thousand miles per hour and there was no sign of it slowing down. Honestly, she’s making such a big deal about things. And shouldn’t she be happy about this? She no longer has to room with her arch nemesis Angelina but gets to stay with her new friend Ella.
After about an hour, I finally found her dorm. It was near the bottom floor. I knocked on the door, and was answered after a view minutes, the door opened spilling light onto the corridor.
“Ella?”
She looked different; her hair was down falling across her face making her look much younger.
“Yes.”
“I was told this was my new dorm,”
She looked at me as if I was an alien, but she stepped aside letting me through.
“Can you lift some of my stuff in please?”
“Yeh of course.”
She said suddenly sounding excited. “This is going to be amazing.”
I laughed; as she left to get my things I grabbed Nick’s journal and stuffing it in between a floor board that lifted up. I wanted to read it but I was afraid what was in it. Maybe he talked about his mum, or me, or maybe he said, why he attacked Ryan? All these questions left my mind as I saw Ella struggling to get my stuff through the door, I walked over to help, but she told me to just sit down, I did what she said, though I felt bad as she kept tripping over and falling over her own feet. Uh, I totally would’ve done it myself. Honestly if it was my junk I just would’ve taken care of it and not made a big deal out of it. As she tried to get to the door I examined her dorm. Her dorm was almost the same as my old dorm, the only thing different of this one was she had her own bed sheets they were bright purple with blue circles the ones on my bed were covered with pink, gold, green, purple, yellow hearts.
It took her a while but I was entirely grateful. When she was finished she sat own on my bed a started to talk, I could barely understand a word she was saying because she was talking too fast.
“I can’t believe this,”
“Well believe it.”
I laughed, eventually she left my bed to go to her own. After a while I found myself drifting in and out of sleep. This was a new room, I was afraid that Nick wouldn’t be able to find me, or that he would climb through the window and get caught by Angelia, my heart shrunk, as I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning, with a doctor looking over me; I felt a tiny bit embarrassed, as I was wearing my tank top and my pyjama shorts. How long was he there for, I suddenly realised there was something in my wrist pumping some kind of liquid into me. I felt a wave of heat come over me forcing me to jump up straight, the doctor handed me a bucket, probably thinking I was going to be sick but I passed out.
* * *
In the dream I was walking along a long road, which seemed it would never end, I suddenly realised I was walking along water, the cool salty water splashing my feet. The calm sea breeze flowing through my hair. Then suddenly the sky grew darker and I could taste smoke in my mouth, it was all so sudden, night had came, there were no stars in the sky but floating beside me, there faint glow showing a lot of trees the dull brown making it look darker. I reached out to touch one of the stars I got closer and closer…. “Hailey, Hailey, what’s wrong?”
I was woken, and I was annoyed, Ella stood over me looking over me,
“Are you okay?” she sounded worried, fear taking over her voice.
I tried to talk but was stopped as I felt the vomit coming up. I leaned over the side of my bed looking for the bucket but it was too late I threw up all over myself.
“What’s wrong with me?” I muttered.
“The doctor said nothing too serious but we have to be careful around you.” She muttered the last part.
“What is that suppose to mean?” She shrugged
“I’m going to get you a drink I will be right back.”
I was surely dyeing, the pain in my wrist came, I wanted to rub it but there were bandages around, I felt worse. What had they done to me, was it legal?
I sat in my bed waiting for her to come back, she took too long so I went and got a shower in the shower I couldn’t understand why I was sick I was perfectly healthy and with that I jumped out of the shower and I threw up into the toilet. I was too tired to wait for Ella to come back, so I lay down hopping my dream would come back to me but it didn’t, I dreamed of nothing, or at least nothing I could remember.

The end confused me. So she fell asleep, and then kind of woke up and she’s in a hospital with a doctor standing over her. Next thing we know she’s back in her dorm room and throwing up. There was like no explanation to any of this!

I hate to be the party pooper here, but I think that this still has a ton of room for improvement. Even after all your reviews, you haven’t edited through all your mistakes before asking around for MORE reviews. Personally, I think this is a bit disrespectful to the people who have spent time to make your work better. It really doesn’t take that long to proofread, and it makes it so much easier to review because you can focus on things like story and characters instead of pointing out simple grammar mistakes.

Aside from all the technical errors, the story itself isn’t bad. It’s about a girl who’s best friend has been getting into fights lately for some unknown reason and has been kicked out of school, leaving her all alone. It’s got great potential.

But I have to say the thing that really turns me off about this is your main character. She just seems so mean to everyone, and her thoughts are always selfish and pessimistic. I try to put myself in her shoes, but I find that she acts oppositely to what I think I would do. I just don’t enjoy her character, and there’s nothing really original about her.

I feel a little bad about giving such a negative review, but I’m just being honest here. Obviously a lot of other people have enjoyed this story so far, and keep in mind that you can’t please everyone, so don’t take any of this personally. If you have ANY questions or need me to explain anything further, please let me know through a PM!

Have an awesome day!
~blacksheep

OK. Maybe I should have reviewed this long ago. I share her confusion. No-one has explained anything. She has just woken up and she seems to have been checked by a doctor, reason unknown, and they are supposed to be careful around her, reason unknown. Good stuff. Very good stuff. It's deep, but you won't fall in. It's colourful and bright, but you won't go blind. It's great. What happens when I read Patience is I switch persons from me to Hailey. I became her for a while, shared feelings, thoughts, even what she feels about Rick. I miss him as much as she does, worries too. I also, as me, feel compassion for the girl. She's been through much. But with all her emotion, she is not weak. She is strong, she has taken all the previous pain and the current, and more every day. She is very strong. A good character. Thank you, Sarahk. For bringing life to Hailey. She deserves it.