Young Writers Society

It all started when I was five. I was normal but then they took me away and gave me my gift. Here is what I mean by they, the army. My gifts are my powers, infact I have all the powers in the world. The army wanted to use me as a weapon in the wars but I got away from them. So here I am now a 11 almost 12 year old girl, in 6th grade, with a screwed up life. I don't really trust a lot of people, so I don't have a lot of friends. I know Max, he helped me escape, he works for the army by force. He is super cute, and 15!!! Anyways back to me, I have long black hair, and ice blue eyes. I'm always watching my back to see if they are there. My name is Kikyo but most people call me Ki. I don't remember my famliy, I don't know if I even had a family.
"Kikyo, your anwser" Omg Mr.Brunner hates me.
"To what?" I said to him.
"Were you listening?" A note appeared on my desk, it said:1,802,505,109 is the anwser.
"The anwser is 1,802,505,109"
"Correct" He said in a very hateful tone. I mean what did I do to him, I'll tell you what I did, NOTHING.
"I need Ki." Davin said I wonder what he needs.
"We don't have anyone name Ki." He looked at me, knowing that was my name.
"Kikyo" Davin said rolling his eyes because Mr.Brunner doesn't go by nick-names. Davin said i was in XL Math now, with him, Treven, and Tyler. I started walking to what I call home after school, the only people I ever knew as a family was my friends. I went in and my friends attacked me.
"Ki. are you ok?" They all said together.
"Yea, why?"
"Nothing, it's nothing" Kyle came in saying. Then, gave them all glares.
"What's for dinner? I'm starving" I looked at Kyle.
"Whatever you want Kikyo" He said calming down
"Pizza!!!" I screamed then looked at Sammy/
"Okay, I'll order it" She said. The pizza came and we all ate in silence, which is weird for us.
Kyle's Pov
"So why won't you let us tell her that she is in danger?" Sammy said.
"Because she doesn't know yet, and I don't want to add to her stress, okay?" I'm always worring about her now.
"Fine" They all said. Kikyo is outside, she never get mad enough to use her powers out here. I walked up to her and wraped my arms around her waist but not in the whole bf and gf way, more like a brotherly way.
"Is it truly nothing Ky.?" She said looking up at me with worry in her eyes.
"Yes it is, and it's nothing to worry about Kikyo" I said looking at her with protection in my eyes.
"You know I like being called Ki." Oh and for people not smart enough her nick-name is prononced key.
"Yea but you know I think your real name is more beautiful than Ki." It was the truth I did like her real name way better than her nick-name.
"Fine call me what ever you want,"
"Okay" I looked at the sun, it's beautiful when it's setting.
" Hey you two it's getting late and Ki. has school tomarrow." Alex said. We went in and I followed her to her room. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the head
"Night-Night Kyle."
"Night-Night Kikyo."
"Kyle"
"Yea?"
"If I have a nightmare can I crawl into your bed" I looked at her and smiled, she hasn't asked that in a long while.
"Sure" I said walking out.

Alright, change the title, it does nothing for you. Now I don't mean to be rude but when I started reading I got a surprise because what I initially thought was going to be a cliche love story became something a lot cooler. Please, for the love of your story minus the title and think of something more snappy and which deprives from your story more. Now, moving on! Now you really need to take in what I say. Please don't take it as critism as I am only trying to help. It's why I am a reviewer!

I'm Apple by the way.

First of all, I love your idea. It was very interesting and I found myself sitting on the edge of the seat in anticipation. What's going to happen? Why isn't she safe? You already have me asking questions and that's exactly what you want in the first chapter.

Now, moving on.

Your characters bugged me. I found that they all seemed to fake. I didn't understand any of them and it feels as if you didn't think about them at all when you were writing this. Characters need to have different personalities. They need to have history, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses...Frankly, I didn't pick up on any of these things. Your MC seems bubbly and very dramatic, though would a bubbly person still remain bubbly after they were taken by the army when they were young and forced to fight as one of their soldier till they escaped with barely their lives intact? You've got to be reasonable, your MC would have scars. Permenant scars. She was given powers and since she worked for the armed forces she would've seen things, done things: HORRIBLE things.

Take this all into account. You've got to shape the history of character to bring these out. Fine, everyone loves a bubbly character, keep her that way but make her more serious and troubled. If she was taught to fight to the death would she be so dramatic in class saying 'OMG,' and 'Urgh, he hates me!'. No. She'd think about the fastest way to kill the teacher though mull it over with her better nature and answer in a tense voice. History of a character is important and also for a real human being. If you've lived a bad life filled with death and killing would you be dancing around and singing at the top of your voice every day?

I'm sorry for going on and on but that just irked me. And your other characters also. They sound to fake. Give them different personalities. How do they know about the MC being who she is? History Angelle, history! Just some helpful hints that will make this shine just that little more.

Another thing is that this is going way to fast. You need to put your foot down and pull this all back to the start. This one chapter could've easily been made in two. Firstly, why does she go to school? How did she get there without parents? That's something to consider; maybe someone faked being her mother/father. Then how did she get that house? Did they steal it from someone? Did they break into it when it was supposed to be demolished? How did that group come together? You can work this chapter into so much flash backs it isn't funny. It also makes it interesting for the reader; I truly suggest you do this.

Other then that, I really don't have any other troubles. I find this interesting. I do not do grammar/spelling reviews but I still feel like I must mention that your grammar is far from great. Check out some forums that deal with that kind of stuff specifically, it is what helped me.

"I need Ki." Davin said I wonder what he needs.

I also have no idea what this means.

I'm going to point one more thing out before I go. The reactions of the characters are weird,also. Some are to estatic and others aren't depthful enough. You have to go over this peice with a fine tooth comb and you have to pinpoint every nuke and cranny and fix it with every fibre in your body, woman. I don't want this peice going to waste when you have such a good idea coming along. Even if you don't like have to sit down and think, you've got to give some thought over your characters, the plot and the way everything revolves. It's necessary!

Good luck, Apple.

I noticed that one of the characters in this piece shares a name with me, so I thought I'd give it a read. Usually I'm really harsh when I'm critiquing things, but I'm going to try and hold off a little bit. If you'd rather I don't, let me know if/when you link me to your next piece, and I'll be sure to get a little nit-pickier.

First, the title: Lame. Ditch it. Titles should draw me into the story, and a) the title is too long to fit into the box, so it's cut off and looks dumb, and b) it really has nothing to do with the story. For me, my best titles come when I think about the overall theme of the piece, and title it after that. I don't know what that theme is for you, but it's definitely not being badass and wanting to kill other people.

Your first paragraph has a very strong first sentence, but it is still a little rough. Here's how I would edit it:

It all started when I was five. I was normal, but then they took me away and gave me my gift. Here is what I mean by they, the army. My gifts are my powers; in fact, I have all the powers in the world. The army wanted to use me as a weapon in the wars, but I got away from them. So here I am now an 11-year-old girl, nearly 12, in 6th grade, with a screwed up life. I don't really trust a lot of people, so I don't have a lot of friends. I know Max. He helped me escape. He works for the army by force. He is super cute, and 15-years-old. Anyways back to me, I have long black hair, and ice blue eyes. I'm always watching my back to see if they are there. My name is Kikyo but most people call me Ki. I don't remember my famliy, I don't know if I even had a family.

The term I use for most of the crossed out sections is "colloquial." It means that it's a little too conversational, and feels more like someone telling a summary of a story rather than the story itself. It loses a lot of the narrative that you have going, and makes things either boring to read, or generally uninteresting.

The rest of the story is a lot of the same: a little too colloquial/conversational and a lot of missing or misplaced punctuation, which makes it a struggle to read.

I like the premise. I really feel like you have something to work with here. It just needs a lot of editing. But no worries, as you keep writing, you'll get there.

Keep working hard,
kf