Young Writers Society

Here is chapter 2 more of action, but people looking for the romance there is one little part in the next chapter. Tell me what you think and point out any errors you see. Thank you.





Noah and I walked out of the physics classroom.
"Alex, did May ask you about the park?" Noah asked. I nodded.
"Can't got to work," I said "Hey, I got to go I am going to be late."
"Okay," Noah said as I walked off.
"What is this feeling?" I thought. I quickly ran to the gym. The feeling got stronger as I got closer. The hallway to the gym was empty. I walked into the gym; i hid behind the basketball rack. The feeling was stronger, but no one was there. I walked to the middle of the gym. Two teens appeared infront of me. The girl held out her hand; my body dropped to the floor. A heavy force held me down.
The boy looked down at me and said, " So, this is the famous Alex, Mauvasis son,"
"Shit," "Why do Satan's children want me", I thought.
"Brother, can we kill him," The girl asked.
"No, not unless father tells us to, we are here to observe him," The boy replied "Let's see how powerful Mauvasis son is." The boy walked up to me; he reached into my jacket and took my gun.
"Ironic how a demon kills his own kind," The girl mumbled.
The force was released, and the two teenagers dissapeared. I then felt my body flying across gym. I quickly got up, and hid under the bleechers. I pulled out my phone, and hastily texted Emma.
"Demon, in gym, help"
My body was dragged from under the bleechers; I was thrown against a wall. I gathered my energy and ran arouns the gym.
"He took my gun, he wants me to use my power," I thought.





There was a strange eerie feeling as I walked closer to the gym. I looked at my phone.
"Four o'clock, the building should be empty," I thought. There was a loud bang from ahead.
" Alex, try not to shoot up the gym," I sighed. I ran into the gym. The demon wasn't in a human disguise, as usual. The demon was ,maybe, twenty feet high, and it had a hound-like shape. It snarled at me. I grasped my staff ready for it to come at me; it turned to the tired out Alex and pinned him down.
"The demonic power is way too strong to use my staff like this,"
"Emma, use Peris," Alex yelled.
I nodded and mumbled, "Surgissent." My staff's demonic power got stronger, and a claw like blade extended from the top. The demon must have sensed the change; it looked at me as it snatched Alex and started to clasp his body. He yelled out in pain.
"Emma, use full power,"Alex managed to choke out.
""Pleine puissance" I mumbled. I could feel the demonic power from Peris fill the gym. The demon dropped Alex; started to groan. The claw like hand hit me against the wall. I manage to stand up. Peris was by the demons feet. Alex stood up grasping his body; he limped to the scythe. He held it up and yelled, "Desintegrer."
The demon fell to peices.
Alex fell to his knees and mumbled "Reste"
The demonic power ,emitted by Peris, dissapeared; Peris's blade dissapeared and turned back to a staff. I quickly ran to Alex. Two teenagers appeared. My body was forced to the ground.
The tall skinny black haired boy looked at Alex and said, "He doesn't use his power."
The redheaded girl looked at me, her cheek bones were perfectly carved, and her eyes had a beautiful topaz color.
"You think father will let us kill him," She asked. The boy shrugged.
"Father said he is a good use," The boy said. He looked at me, his cheek bones like the girl's, his hair was a messy charcoal color, his eyes were also a topaz color.
"Who are you, what do you want," I asked.
"Satan's children, we want revenge for father," The girl said.
Both kids disappeared. I quickly ran to Alex, who was grasping his body, and helped him up.
"You okay," I asked. He nodded.
"Why do they want revenge?" I asked. Alex tried to walk, but his legs started shaking. I helped him to the back entrance of the gym. Most of the students were in the front of the school, and we weren't that far from my house.





"Elli, Jane," Hades greeted my sister and me.
"Uncle we bring new" My sister annonced.
"What news,"He asked.
"Alex," I said "He looks more like his father."
"Yes, exact cold blue eyes, and murky black hair," She described.
"Did he use his power?" Hades asked. I shook my head.
"Oh," He sighed.
"He has a girl, I believe her name is Emma, she had long tawny hair, he is pretty close to her , she is also the master of Peris," I informed.
"Peris, my my," He muttered.
"Do you wish us to abduct her," I asked. He shook his head.
"No, he will expect us to come after her, your father will want to hear this. I want you to go back and watch him," He demanded. Both my sister and I kneeled down and bowed our heads.
"Yes, uncle," We both said.






I helped Alex to a chair. My mom wasn't going to be home for another four hours; I am letting him rest here.
"Why do they want revenge" I asked for the fifth time. Alex looked down.
"Alex,please," I begged. Alex looked into my eyes, and sighed.
"You know about Satan being dethroned by Mauvasis fifteen years ago," He asked. I nodded.
"Mauvasis,a demon, wanted to take the spot King of the Underworld,so he fought Satan and defeated him, he took the place of Satan, he is even more worse than Satan," I reminded myself.
"Well, Satan, His children, and Hades,his brother, want to take revenge by killing Mauvasis, but the only way he can die, like Satan, is being killed by his offspring," He explained.
"What does this have to do with you," I asked.
"I'm Mauvasis's son," He confessed. "I think they are planning to use me to help defeat Mauvasis."
"Are you," She asked.
"No, as much as I want to kill that bastard, I can't" He mumbled.
"Ok," I said. "He has too much on his mind don't be the nosy girl," I thought to myself.
I looked down.
"So, you are a demon," I asked.
"Kinda, I am still half human, demon half from Mauvasis and human side from my mother," He said.
"So Kaitlyn isn't your real mother," I asked. He nodded.
"She is someone who works for the Committee, she was kind enough, knowing who I am,to take me in,"
"That's why he is so kind towards her and her husband,"
"Well, it is okay," I said and held his hand.
"His hand, it is burned, Peris, a demon can't touch a demon hunter's weapon,"
"Your hand," I said.
"It's okay, it will heal, it will take longer though," He said.
"Anymore injurjes," I asked.
"Few broken bones, but they will heal," He replied.
"You think you can fight if a demon appears," I asked.
"If I rest yeah, but Elli took my gun," He said
"Elli" I asked.
"Elli and Jane, Satan's children, they would be prince and princess of the Underworld if it wasn't for Mauvasis," He said.
"Well,you are a demon you have powers, why don't you use them,"
"No, I don't want to be a demon, that's why I never use my power,"
"Sorry," I mumbled.

Warning. This will be long. I'm going to be very nitpicky about this, because the story has sooo much potential! It just needs some help revealing the story.

First off, grammar:

"Brother, can we kill him?" The girl asked.
"No, not unless father tells us to. We are here to observe him," the boy replied. "Let's see how powerful Mauvasis's son is."

Punctuation errors, especially when you have this much dialogue, stand out a lot.

The demonic power, emitted by Peris, disappeared; Peris's blade disappeared and turned back to a staff. I quickly ran to Alex.

Peris's blade turned into a staff? How about Peris itself turned into a staff? You also like semi-colons a lot. They're not really that necessary, and in this case make the sentence wordier than it needs to be. Try combining the clauses.

I helped Alex to a chair. My mom wasn't going to be home for another four hours; I was letting him rest here.

Make sure the tense is consistent (past, in this case). This was the only one I noticed though, so no big deal.

Now, on to dialogue:

"Your hand," I said.
"It's okay, it will heal. It will take longer though," He said. [why will it take longer?]
"Anymore injurjes?" I asked. [questions need question marks! :]
"A few broken bones, but they will heal," He replied.
"You think you can fight if a demon appears?" I asked.
"If I rest, yeah, but Elli took my gun," He said. [so does that mean he actually can't fight? does he need a new weapon now?]
"Elli?" I asked.

Punctuation aside, notice how many times you use the word "asked." Something to note here is that there are only two characters present, and they are having a conversation. That means that the "asking" and "saying" is implied, and you don't need it at all past the first few lines. If you start a new paragraph every time a new character speaks, we will understand that the two are alternating. And questions need a question mark, but once you have the question mark, you don't need to add "I asked," because we now know it's a question.

Styleee:

Noah and I walked out of the physics classroom.

Ahhh okay. Took me a moment to realize that this is Alex talking. You might want to note who's speaking at the beginning of each section.

"What is this feeling?" I thought.

I don't know, what feeling is it? Has Alex ever felt something like it before? What does it feel similar to? Also, since Alex is the MC and narrator at the moment, he really doesn't have to think the question. He could just narrate it to us. Example: "As I walked down the hall, a ____ feeling crept over me, one that I had never felt before. What was going on?" Or something.

I walked into the gym and hid behind the basketball rack. The feeling was stronger, but no one was there. I walked to the middle of the gym. Two teens appeared in front of me.

First, breaking the first two sentence parts into two semi-colon-connected clauses seems really redundant. "And" works just fine. But Alex's motivations confuse me a lot. He walks into the gym (not stealthily, mind you, just walking) and suddenly he decides to hide. Why? Don't know; the gym is empty. What's he hiding from? But there's no one in the gym, and so he then walks into the middle of it. Why? Is the feeling still there? Is he feeling bolder because he didn't see anyone? This is the whole "What are your characters feeling/thinking? What are their motivations?" issue.

The force was released, and the two teenagers disapeared. I then felt my body flying across gym. I quickly got up, and hid under the bleechers. I pulled out my phone, and hastily texted Emma.

Teenagers disappear. Alex does what, panic? Starts to sit up? Maybe? Then Alex flies across the room... and doesn't hit anything. :O Wall? Floor? Bleachers? He's gotta connect to something somewhere, and it will probably hurt. Yet he has the presence of mind to text Emma for help. Good; that tells us something about Alex, that he can think semi-clearly in a bad situation. But is he texting Emma professionally (come help me slay demons) or desperately (I NEED HELP GET OVER HERE NOW)? I can't tell. Show me.

There was a strange eerie feeling as I walked closer to the gym. I looked at my phone.

Emma speaking again. Alex just texted her for help with a demon attack. I would think she'd rush a little bit more? If she isn't, then why not?

The demon wasn't in a human disguise like they usually were[?]. The demon was [,-delete]maybe twenty feet tall, and it had a hound-like shape (or appearance?). It snarled at me. I grasped my staff ready for it to come at me; it turned to the tired out Alex and pinned him down.

YAY! Descriptions! Am very happy. But what else does she see? Where is Alex/what does he look like when she first walks in, before he's pinned down by the demon? Where are the two teens that Alex saw? Good start, keep rolling with it!

"Emma, use Peris," Alex yelled.

I nodded and mumbled, "Surgissent." My staff's demonic power got stronger, and a claw like blade extended from the top. The demon must have sensed the change; it looked at me as it snatched Alex and started to clasp his body. He yelled out in pain.

"Emma, use full power,"Alex managed to choke out.

""Pleine puissance" I mumbled. I could feel the demonic power from Peris fill the gym. The demon dropped Alex; started to groan. The claw like hand hit me against the wall. I manage to stand up. Peris was by the demons feet. Alex stood up grasping his body; he limped to the scythe. He held it up and yelled, "Desintegrer."

Ohh special weapon. Nice including the language too, I like it. But Emma is still doing a lot of stand and stare, while Alex is the one fighting. And again, the demon just... goes away. How did Emma get to be the master of a supposedly strong weapon like Peris if she never does any attacking with it? She seems to be a very passive character, which bothers me a bit. Also, details about Peris would be nice.

The tall, skinny, black-haired boy looked at Alex and said, "He doesn't use his power."

The redheaded girl looked at me. Her cheek bones were perfectly carved, and her eyes had a beautiful topaz color.

Where did the teens come from? Alex saw them appear, but remember, Emma is telling the story now and they weren't described when she first walked into the gym. Don't forget that when you change characters, each character knows something different and has a different perspective.

He looked at me, his cheek bones like the girl's, his hair was a messy charcoal color, his eyes were also a topaz color.

More descriptions! I love that you're incorporating them in now. However, this quote is just a list of clauses that make a run-on sentence and just lists characteristics of the guy. There are subtler ways to do this... for example: "He looked at me, and the family resemblance with the girl was unmistakable. They had the same charcoal black hair and topaz eyes."

"Elli, Jane," Hades greeted my sister and me.

Who's talking now? Why is (Elli?) so important that he gets to narrate a section? :O It might be better if this section were in third person instead, looking at Elli and Jane impersonally.

"What does this have to do with you?" I asked.
"I'm Mauvasis's son," he confessed. "I think they are planning to use me to help defeat Mauvasis."
"Are you going to?"
"No; as much as I want to kill that bastard, I can't" He mumbled.

OMG MAJOR CHARACTER REVELATION. I love this twist, and making Alex half-demon is very neat. But Emma didn't know that he was Mauvasis's son! This is major news; Alex is the son of the biggest, baddest demon around, but he's her fellow demon-hunter. There has to be a reaction! Shock, anger, betrayal, surprise, something has to be there. And what's that about wanting to kill someone? Alex wants to kill his father; why? Obviously Emma doesn't know why, but Alex probably looks like something (uncomfortable? angry?). But Emma should at least wonder about this news, even if she doesn't actually ask.

"So Kaitlyn isn't your real mother/" I asked. He nodded.

Who's Kaitlyn? And if Alex is half-demon, half-human, why can't she be his mother? Is she not human?

"That's why he is so kind towards her and her husband,"

Emma's thinking in dialogue again. I've finally figured out what these inserts are. Really, Emma can just narrate this at us, without having to physically think it. This will cut down your dialogue a lot and allow you to insert backstory in.

"Mauvasis, a demon, wanted to take the spot King of the Underworld. He fought Satan and defeated him, thus taking the place of Satan. He is even [more-delete] worse than Satan," I reminded myself.

Again, Emma can narrate this to us without having to think it. Doing that would cut down the dialogue sooo much. And worse how? Cruel or evil would be better descriptions I think.

"Well, it is okay," I said and held his hand.

Burns hurt like *expletive*. I don't think she'd be holding it if it was burned... maybe she reaches for his hand? He flinches in pain?


Okay. So now that I've finished nitpicking the heck out of this poor chapter, (I do apologize ) I must say that I really like the storyline (if I didn't, I wouldn't even have bothered to nitpick). I love the twist about how Alex is actually a half-demon, and you've introduced some very powerful characters and players (Mauvasis, Satan and his children, Hades) while combining a lot of different myths and religions. I really truly can't wait to see how this story plays out. You're doing a good job of including descriptions, but pleaaaase be careful not to just list clauses out. Edit before you post for punctuation and such, because that makes a much nicer read. Other than that, keep going!! You've got a good basis for a really exciting story.

I aslo loved the story, but I have a few nitpicks that the other didn't mention, at least I hope so, It's possible I missed a few of his/her corrections.
Smvanr mentioned that all of your questions need question marks. Just so you know there are a lot of questions without them. I was originally going to list them but there were a ton, plus Smvanr already mentioned that you needed to do it. For the most part it was easy to tell what was supposed to be a question but there were a few that I originally mistook as statements.

"Uncle we bring news" My sister annonced(announced).

he is even more worse than Satan," I reminded myself.

The other review did mention this one, I also think it would better to use evil, or cruel, or some other descriptive word.
so it would say He is even more evil,or even better,He is even crueler
You could aslo just delete the more, so it said, He is even worse than... or simply,He is even worse.
Also the Spelling For Elli; he's a male character but that spelling makes me think of the girls name "Ellie or Elly, like short for Eleanor. Should it be Eli???? The guy name?

I also have a question. Is there a reason you picked French for the magic base language? It's not the one that people usually use and I was just wondering if there was something particualry important about using that language. It's okay if there's not though.

I liked this, the Whole Satan, Hades, and Mauvasis thing. Totally original, unexpected, and awesome.