Young Writers Society

Hope You Like It!
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I sat down by the warm fireplace.

“Honey?” my moms voice rings into my ear.

“Yeah?” I say softly so my dog won’t wake up.

“Are your bags packed?”

Oh. God.

My bags! I forgot!

“Uh-Uh..” I lie.

I run upstairs into my cluttered bedroom and look for my lime polka-dot suitcase.

“Damn!” I yell.

My eyes scan the room. I look over by my white coated closet.

“There!” I yell.

Why am I talking to myself?

Oh well.

I run to my bag and pack my main essentials.

Hair brush, tooth brush, make up, bra, etc.

“Kendra!” My mom yells from downstairs.

I walk down the steps slowly.

Oh. God. The guests!

“Umm. One minute!”

I TOTALLY FORGOT!

Chad and his family were visiting tonight before I leave on my trip to Paris!

I run back upstairs.

I throw on my skinny jeans and my purple ‘Led Zeppelin’ tee-shirt and head downstairs.

“Kendra!” Mrs. Drummond says. “How nice to see you darling!”

“Uh. You too.” I say quietly.

I look over at Chad, who is standing by the door.

“Hah hey Chad” I say. He is my best friend. Well best boy friend.

They all laugh about something Mrs. Drummond said.

“Ha ha ha.” I say sarcastically.

“Hey Chad; let’s go upstairs.”

He nods and follows me up the steps.

We walk up to my room.

“You‘re closet threw up again?” he chuckles.

“No!” I say.

We avoid eye contact; I don’t know why. But we do.

“Kendra.” He whispers

“Yeah Chad?”

“I like you. A LOT.” He spits out.

“Umm. Erm.” I say.

“Chad, listen-” He cuts me off and kissed me.

It’s like my own world. A world that little girls dream of. With unicorns? No. Ponies? No. Boys? Yes.

I want to pull away. But I can’t. I- I like it.

He pulls away.

“Kendra.” he says

“What?”

“I love you. And I can’t change that.”

“I love you too.”

WHAT!? I love him too!?

“Kids!” Mrs. Drummond yells

“Time to go Chad!”

“Bye Kendra.” he smiles

“Uh. Bye.”
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Do you like it? I might make it a novel! (:
-Michelle!

Elizabeth is Chad's mom.
AKA- Mrs. Drummond.

Ok I like this story but it seemed to be quick and not explain much. You should have more detail. I lie that you have a ot of dialogue but you need more details. It would make a great story if you had explanations and depth in your main character. Keep up the good work and keep writing. Just work on your details. That's my ownly critisism.

Hi Michelle. Lavvi in for a review.

I can't say much about this. I, personally, am not crazy about it for two reasons.

A) Practically the whole thing is dialogue. And you can't write a novel with only dialogue. You might as well write a movie script instead.

B) The characters are undeveloped. This has us back at the whole thing being pretty much dialogue.

Dreamer has a good article called 'How to Get Rid of Talking Heads'. You can find it here. I strongly urge you check it out as perhaps it can help you.

Because of the excess of dialogue, I can't really "review" it. Perhaps when you get some narration and description in there, it'll be more review-able. I'd definitely like to see it then

Lavvi

Alright so, hello, dialogue.

Way too much. There was way too much dialogue and minimal everything else. A story isn't just talking, it's also details and emotion, majorly emotion. If there's no emotion, then there is no way to tie your MC to the reader.

I skimmed this. I had zero pull to read it in detail, because it was just dialogue.

Start to add details. If your stuck, then take a break from writing, and just notice things. I like to take my city transit around the city so I can observe strangers and see if any of their manners or appearances fit any of my characters, to help with the details and setting.

Concerning emotion, use what you feel. Imagine yourself in your MC's position, How would you feel if your best guy friend kissed you?

Just a techinical thing, but love is a risky thing. I'm gonna assume their teenagers, and if so, then love is a risky thing that teenagers will do a ton of thinking, dates, kissing and such about, not jump directly into.

Overall, add way more description and details. Think hard about your characters appearance and mannerisms, make them seem more then words on a screen.

~WickedWonder

Yeah sorry! I know there's A LOT of dialogue I'm making chapter 2 here is a preview:

I wake up the next morning with my room cleaned.

“Kenny!” My mom yells from downstairs.

She calls me that when she’s happy.

I walk down the auburn steps and hold onto the railing like I’m holding onto a rope for my life.

I stop.

No.

Yes.

NO!

It can’t be!
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Read On! (:
-Michelle

This was very entertaining to read, however it would be great if you could add in more details to give a more accurate description of the setting, the characters and the characters' action. Less dialogue would be better. However, overall this was an interesting start. Keep it up!

Thank you! CHAPTER 2 IS OUT!

Hey! I'm here to do my set of reviews! I will be a bit harsh since you are a starter writer.

color - delete
color - help
color - edits

Michelle wrote:I sit down by the warm fireplace.

So you want to write in present tense? It would be easier in Past Tense but that's clearly your choice! Here I would like some more detail here. Explain, if it's sparking, the color, more explanation.

Michelle wrote:“Honey?” my moms voice rings into my ear.

“Yeah?” I say softly so my dog won’t wake up.

Here you tell us about a dog. Explain to us, I mean, describe the dog. Show us what's happening, are you standing up now?

Michelle wrote:“Are your bags packed?”

Oh. God. My bags! I forgot!

Now show what you will be doing here. Does she jump? Do her eyes widen? Show us the "forgetfulness"

Michelle wrote:“Uhuh.” I lie.

I run upstairs into my cluttered bedroom and look for my lime polka-dot suitcase.

Show us her room. Show us that she actually looks.

Michelle wrote:“Damn!” I yell.

My eyes scan the room.

“There!” I yell.

Mhm, explain here that she finds it. Show us where it is, like: I find it in the corner of my room. Also, you use too many explanation marks "!".

Michelle wrote:Why am I talking to myself? Oh well.

I run to my bag and pack my main essentials. Hair brush, tooth brush, make up, bra, etc.

Show us where you find the items, or cross them out completely from this paragraph. Explain, describe the surroundings, your feelings. That kind of important crap to make a book.

Michelle wrote:“Kendra!” My mom yells from downstairs.

“Yeah?”

“The guests are here, come down!”

Oh. God. The guests!

Show us her forgetfulness again! And the thoughts, make them wider, what I mean by that is: Oh, God. The Guests are here. It's my best friend, he was supposed to come because I was leaving to Paris... yada yada yada.

Michelle wrote:“Umm, one minute!”

I totally forgot! With all this packing, the visit completely left my mind

Or something like that, whatever you'd like, but fatten up the thought.

Michelle wrote:Chad and his family were visiting tonight before I leave on my trip to Paris!

Put this up earlier!

Michelle wrote:I throw on my skinny jeans and my purple ‘Led Zeppelin’ tee-shirt and head downstairs.

Show us this part as well.

Michelle wrote:“Kendra!” Mrs. Drummond says. “...how nice to see you darling.”

“Uh, you too.” I say quietly.

“Erm, hey Ken.” Chad says shyly.

“Hah hey Chad” I say. He is my best friend, well best boy friend.

Show us how he looks and how the mother looks, your MC's appearance as well. Your character's feelings would be nice. Tell us how she feels when she sees him. Show us how he acts.

Michelle wrote:“Well Laura Kingsley you have done it again! FABULOUS DINNER!” Mrs. Drummond yells.

How did we get to the dinner? And again, too many explanation marks!

Michelle wrote:“Now Elizabeth,” My mom says. “...hush!”

They all laugh.

EXPLAIN!!!! EVERYTHING!!!!

Michelle wrote:“Ha ha ha.” I say sarcastically.

“Hey Chad; let’s go upstairs.”

“Oh. Okay..” He says.

“Oh, if you wanna stay here and listen to our parents...?” I laugh.

“Okay! Ha ha.”

We walk up to my room.

Show us the situation, does he have dimples when he laughs. And the "Okay! Ha ha." I don't like this. "Oh. Okay.." sounds like he doesn't want to go, show us this!

Michelle wrote:“Well.” he says,

“You‘re closet threw up again?” he chuckles.

How did you get upstairs? Show us show us show us!

Michelle wrote:“No!” I say.

We avoid eye contact; I don’t know why. But we do.

Great start with the avoiding eye contact. But, you should say the history of when this started, if it did. Show us how he reacts.

Michelle wrote:“Kendra.” He whispers

“Yeah Chad?”

“I like you, a lot.” He spits out.

How does she react to this? Show us if she looks away from him, tingles run down her spine?

Michelle wrote:“Umm. Erm.” I say.

“Chad, listen-” He cuts me off and kisses me.

It’s like my own world. A world that little girls dream of. With unicorns? No. Ponies? No. Boys? Yes.

I want to pull away. But I can’t. I- I like it.

He pulls away.

Mhmmmmm, show us how she feels. Show us the situation!

Michelle wrote:“Kendra.” he says

“What?”

“I love you. And I can’t change that.”

“I love you too.”

WHAT!? I love him too!?

From, I like you a lot to I love you? You might wanna edit that... Explain please.Explain everything, the situation, the emotions! EVERYTHING!

Michelle wrote:“Kids!” Mrs. Drummond yells

“Time to go Chad!”

“Bye Kendra.” he smiles

“Uh. Bye.”

Show us the after math. Show us the situation.

OVERALL: You should start reading types of books, maybe ones you hate. Because then the writing skills will flow into your head. Or ones that you are forced to read because the beginning sucks. Read posts, other people's stories, try, try and try again. Like I did when I started writing, just write more and more and read a lot!

So, I like this, I wanna see where this goes but it's too fast. The story has to slow down, like five hundred miles slower. It will be hard, but try.

Nike

Keep Writing!

One thing I like about this is that it has a lot of dialogue. Dialogue is important, but how they feel and what they are doing is also important. We need to know how she feels about going to Paris. Is she excited, couldn't care less, etc. What was she wearing before she changed. Pyjamas? Is it early in the morning, or close to the afternoon? When Chad tells her that he likes her, what does she feel? Happy, confused, worried, shocked, elated, etc. When she tells Chad that she loves him, does he smile? Are they both smiling like they just won the lottery, or having that small shy smile on their faces? Other than that, I loved it.

hi! I'm here to review!!!

“Are your bags packed?”

Oh. God.
you need to make this part one line.
My bags! I forgot!

“Uh-Uh..” I lie.

“Hah hey Chad,” I say. He is my best friend. Well best boy friend

“I like you. A LOT.” He spits out.

“Umm. Erm.” I say.

“Chad, listen-” He cuts me off and kissed me.

what? what.. erm. Way to fast for the romance please and thank you.

That was waaaayy to fast. I was extremely confused. but, it was good,cept for the nitpicks I gave you. Okay, later gator!!!
~Drama