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Troubled Sage and Sweet Caroline 0.3



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Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:19 pm
sidewalkrunner says...



CHAPTER ONE: AND ALL THE NIGHTS WE SPEND TOGHETER

It took forever getting down from the roof and onto the balcony. I had used the balcony to climb up from when I got up there. My jacket and t-shirt was completely wet from the snow that had melted over me and my hair was a mess. I didn’t care. When I got inside the bedroom, that where linked to the balcony, it felt warm and cozy, just like Christmas should be. For a second I thought about my dad at home. Of course he was alone; he had been since my mom died. My mom was the most beautiful woman I ever seen and my dad loved her, but he didn’t even cry at her funeral.

I moved fast towards the door, I couldn’t stay at that party with wet clothes, even though no one would dare to ask about it. Except for my buddies of course, but I could just talk around it with them. I moved fast. I wanted to get out of there to think over what just had happened. I had no idea what I would do now because I thought that ‘now’ wouldn’t exist for me at this moment.

I was so completely in my head when I moved around a corner of the corridor that I didn’t even noticed that she, with a capital S, was moving towards me. And when I did, it was too late to react. We crashed, I stumbled back half a step and she fell to the floor. I looked at her; she looked so different up close. She had freckles and the cutest nose ever. And I never think I’ve ever seen such blue eyes before. She didn’t move, and I started thinking that I might have hurt her for real. So I hurried to say; “Are you okay?”

She looked up and nodded. I reached my hand down so she could grab it and I pulled her up. She was really tiny. I forgot for a minute that I just had been standing out there on the roof, ready to kill myself and I just smiled. I looked straight into her eyes, just like I always did when I wanted a girl.

You´re wet.” she implied and looked at me like I was an Alien. “Were you just up on that roof?”

I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I answered, very calmly.

She didn’t say anything. She just looked at me for a while, and then she pointed at my shirt. “Why are shirt wet then?”

I smiled a little bit bigger. At least she was smarter than a lot of the girls I used to talk to.

None of your business” I said, still smiling. Some people would call my smile charming; some people would just call it spiteful. “… What’s your name?”

Caroline just looked at me, put me in my place, just like she would do a lot of times in the future. She shook her head and started walking again, she didn’t even say something, she just walk straight next to me and onwards. That’s so Caroline.

I turned around and looked at her. “Hey! You can’t just walk away when people are talking to you?” I said and started walking after her. It seemed like she was looking for someone. “Come on. What’s your name?”

She stopped in front of a bathroom door and opened it. First I thought she would walk in there and close the door behind her. But she just stuck her head in there and sighed. “You should change your clothes before you get a cold.” she looked at me again then she froze for a second, just looking straight into my face. And then she smiled, oh god that smile. “I can help you look for some.”

Straight after that she took me by the wrist and started leading me through the corridor, down towards a door leading to one of the house many bedrooms. Luckily it was empty when we got in. It was really big and really cozy. I soon figured out that it was Marcus parents’ bedroom. There was a huge bed in the room, facing a big fancy fireplace. The room was really tacky, with a big crystal lamp over the bed, cheesy pictures of Marcus and his brothers and way too many decorative pillows on the bed.

Do you think we could light the fireplace? Or is that rude?” Caroline asked and looked at me with a little smile.

I shrugged my shoulders before I moved towards the fireplace. It was one of those where you just have to push a button and the fire would lit automatically, fucking rich people, can’t do anything on your own. I pushed the button and moved back a little to watch the fire that started burning in front of me. Caroline looked at the fire for a while, then she went over to one of the walk in wardrobes and started going through Marcus fathers clothes. She came back with a white wife beater, a pair of grey sweat pants and a light blue cardigan.

Thanks” I said and took the clothes from her. I went over to the bed and put them on the blanket. Then I took off my jacket and untied my converse to slip out of them. I didn’t even look to see if she was looking at me, but I kind of wished she was. “So you never told me your name…”

I took of my wet t-shirt and threw it at a wooden chair next to the bed, and then I glanced at her over my shoulder. She had gone over the one of the crazy big windows in the room, looking at the snow that fell from the sky outside. I grabbed the wife beater and put it on me.

That’s because it’s a secret.” she said and looked at me with a little mysterious smile, then she looked back out the window. “You have to guess it.”

I looked at her with one of my eyebrow arched and then I smiled again. If she wanted to play that game she could. I nodded and pulled my pants down. I threw them at the same chair as my t-shirt and then I slipped my underwear off. She was looking way too concentrated at the window to notice. I grabbed the sweat pants and hurried to pull them up; she didn’t need to see everything right away.

Then I moved towards the window. “Is it Hannah?” I asked and looked at her.

She shook her head.

Jasmine?” she shook her head again, smiling a little bit bigger. “Meredith?”

She just looked at me and slowly shook her head for the third time before she broke out in a small laughter. Then she moved towards the bed and sat down on it, looking straight into the fire in front of her. I turned around and looked at her from where I stood.

Hm… This is tricky. You’ve got to help me out here.” I smiled, every thought about falling from the roof, breaking my neck and going to heaven was pretty much gone at this moment.

It starts with a C. But I’m not going help you anymore.” she turned her head as she said that and looked at me. “Those clothes look like they are too big.

Yeah. Marcus dad is a fat ass.” I said and pulled a little bit in the oversized pants. Then I moved over to the bed and sat down on it. “Is it Claudia?

No. But at least you’re getting closer.” She laughed and looked in my eyes.

I smiled a little bit. Those blue eyes got me every time. I looked down towards her lips, thinking how it would feel to kiss them and just as I was about to move in closer, she looked towards the fire again. I wrinkled my forehead, like I always do when things don’t go the way I want them to and looked at the fire as well.

We were quite for a long time, just looking at that fire. It got later and the sound of people got smaller for minute that went on. For some reason I didn’t mind sitting silent next to her. It wasn’t uncomfortable at all. I looked at her sometimes, but she didn’t move. She just stared at the fire. She looked very tired and I almost felt a bit guilty for keeping her here, if I even did. Because wasn’t this her idea?

Is it Caroline?” I said all of a sudden.

She turned her head towards me and a big smile emerged on her lips. Then everything happened really fast and all of a sudden her lips were pressed onto mine.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 9616
Reviews: 263
Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:04 pm
Caerulean says...



Hello there. :) First review. ^_^

Nitpicks:

I had used the balcony to climb up from when I got up there.

- I'm not certain of how you can rewrite this but this sentence sounded too telly.

that where linked to the balcony

- You mean, 'that was linked'.

For a second I thought

- Put a comma after 'second'.

Of course he was alone; he had been since my mom died.

- I think there should be a comma after 'Of course'.
- Perhaps, you meant 'lonely' rather than 'alone'.

My mom was the most beautiful woman I ever seen

- Correction: 'I've ever seen' or 'I ever saw'

I moved fast.

- I don't think you should have repeated this.

that she, with a capital S,

- I think you should've capitalized the 'S' in 'she' so that it wouldn't contradict 'with a capital S'.
- I think you ought to put 'S' in apostrophes.

She had freckles and the cutest nose ever.

- I think you should describe her nose more than just writing that it was the 'cutest'.

And I never think I’ve ever seen such blue eyes before.

- Correction: 'thought'. Keep it in past tense.
- What's with her eyes. You could use some imagery here. :)

So I hurried to say; “Are you okay?

- You should've used a colon or a dash instead of a semi-colon there.
- You need not write the dialogue in bold.

“You´re wet.” she implied and looked at me like I was an Alien.

- You should end dialogue with commas unless you need to use exclamation points or question marks.
- I don't think there's a need to capitalize the 'A' in 'Alien' there.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I answered, very calmly.

- Comma instead of a period
- You don't need to put a comma after 'answered'.

“Why are shirt wet then?”

- You forgot to put 'your' before 'shirt'.
- I think it's better to put the 'then' in the beginning of the dialogue. Your choice though. :)
- Correction: 'is' not 'are'

At least she was smarter than a lot of the girls I used to talk to.

- o.o That was rude. xD
- Put a comma after 'least'.

“None of your business”

- Put a comma after 'business'.

Some people would call my smile charming; some people would just call it spiteful.

- I think this came in randomly. o.o Maybe, you can put this somewhere.

Caroline just looked at me

- He was still asking for her name, right? He should still refer to her using pronouns.

just like she would do a lot of times in the future.

- What? I didn't get this. o.o

She shook her head and started walking again, she didn’t even say something, she just walk straight next to me and onwards.

- The three phrases can stand alone as sentences.
- 'walk' should be 'walked'.
- 'next to me and onwards' is confusing.

That’s so Caroline.

- Like I wrote earlier, he still doesn't know her name at that part of the story.

"(...) You can’t just walk away when people are talking to you?”

- It should be a period instead of a question mark.

First I thought she would walk (...)

- Put a comma after 'First'.

“You should change your clothes before you get a cold.”

- I think it's more fitting to use 'catch' instead of 'get'.

she looked at me again then she froze for a second,

- Capitalize the 's' in the first 'she' since this isn't really a tagline for the previous dialogue.

oh god that smile.

- I think you should capitalize the 'g' in 'God'.

Straight after that she took me by the wrist (...)

- I think there should be a comma after 'that'.

to one of the house many bedrooms.

- Correction: 'house's'

Luckily it was empty when we got in.

- Put a comma after 'Luckily'.

I soon figured out that it was Marcus parents’ bedroom.

- You should also put an apostrophe after 'Marcus'.

Caroline asked and looked at me with a little smile.

- He still doesn't know her name here.

(...) can’t do anything on your own.

- You mean, 'on their own' since you wrote 'people' in the preceding phrase.

then she went over to one of the walk in wardrobes and started going through Marcus fathers clothes.

- I think 'walk in' should be 'walk-in'.
- Correction: 'Marcus'/Marcus's father's clothes'

“Thanks”

- Put a comma at the end.

but I kind of wished she was.

- You ought to tell us why. ;)

“That’s because it’s a secret.” she said and looked at me with a little mysterious smile

- Put a comma instead of a period after 'secret'.
- I think it seems better if you wrote 'mysterious little smile'.

I looked at her with one of my eyebrow

- Correction: 'eyebrows'
- Anyway, this seems too telly.

If she wanted to play that game she could.

- Put a comma after 'game'.

I threw them at the same chair as my t-shirt

- I think it's better if you wrote 'the same chair where I threw my t-shirt/shirt'.

she didn’t need to see everything right away.

- He's such a pervert. -.- lol
- Anyway, in 'formal' writing, I think you can't underline words. You have to italicize them or put them in apostrophes if you want to put emphasis.

she broke out in a small laughter.

- I'm not sure with the 'in' there. o.o

breaking my neck and going to heaven

- Eh. I don't think he'll go to Heaven. xD

"(...) But I’m not going help you anymore.”

- You forgot to put 'to' after 'going'.

"(...) Marcus dad is a fat *ss.”

- Put an apostrophe after 'Marcus'.

We were quite for a long time,

- You mean, 'quiet'.

sound of people got smaller for minute that went on.

- 'smaller' doesn't seem to fit the word 'sound'.
- Correction: 'for the minutes that went on.'

For some reason I didn’t mind sitting silent next to her. It wasn’t uncomfortable at all.

- Put a comma after 'reason'.
- What's with his sudden thought of feeling shy?

if I even did. Because wasn’t this her idea?

- This is confusing. o.o

- - - - - - -

First of all, I don't get the title >.<, specifically the 'Sage' and the '0.3'. Second, the way you wrote the story seems telly. It didn't 'show' me what's happening much. Anyway, I think the story is okay. :) It's interesting to read. But I didn't get why he was thinking of committing suicide in the first place. Perhaps, it will be understandable in the following chapters (although I'm not sure if I'll be able to read them >.<).

Never stop writing! :)
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2099
Reviews: 355
Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:15 pm
LadySpark says...



Hi! Here to review you for review day!!!! Hope you like it. And if you do, LIKE IT!!!! :)
I haven't seen you around. Well, I'm drama, nice to meet you.

It took forever getting down from the roof and onto the balcony. I had used the balcony to climb up from when I got up there. My jacket and t-shirt was completely wet from the snow that had melted over me and my hair was a mess. I didn’t care. When I got inside the bedroom, that where linked to the balcony, it felt warm and cozy, just like Christmas should be. For a second I thought about my dad at home. Of course he was alone; he had been since my mom died. My mom was the most beautiful woman I ever seen and my dad loved her, but he didn’t even cry at her funeral.

This is a wonderful beginning. I love it.

“Are you okay?”

Why are you bolding dialogue? That disrupts the flow, and realy, annoying. You don't have to bold it for us to notice its there. LOL. XD

You´re wet.” she implied and looked at me like I was an Alien. “Were you just up on that roof?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”


Honestly, this dialogue is doing nothing. It's just words, and you obviously aren't thinking about that.

She didn’t say anything. She just looked at me for a while, and then she pointed at my shirt. “Why are is yourshirt wet then?”


smiled a little bit bigger. At least she was smarter than a lot of the girls I used to talk to.

wow. that must be some really stupid girls, because, this girl seems to be prying and stupid.

She turned her head towards me and a big smile emerged on her lips. Then everything happened really fast and all of a sudden her lips were pressed onto mine.

whoa. fast ending. To fast for my taste.

Okay, nitpicking is over.BUT I still have some questions and points.

Your underlining, bolding and such is quite annoying.
You went WAY to fast
You didn't say if she was a boy or a girl. I'm inclined to think its a girl, but that's not good is it? INCLINED. you want me to know.

anywho,
Good luck with this.
~Drama
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  








There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker