Young Writers Society

Chapter 6:
~Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
-Professor Dumbledore~
(Abigail)

Wrapped in her fleecy blanket, Abigail leaned against the door jamb of the balcony, watching the leaves blow in the wind. She could hear Nick and his band practicing a new song in the room underneath her. Nick. It had been a day and a half since he kissed her, and she was desirously happy.

Memories of her and Jake were flooding her mind, and she wished that they wouldn't. She wished that he just was a part of her past, not a pain that stabbed in her in the side every time she moved.
Memories of her and Nick were on the surface to, much happier.

They were swinging, side by side talking about the church speech they had been given in Sunday school today.
"Abstinence," Abby said, looking closely at the page the Sunday-school teacher had given them all. "I wonder why the Lord would care."
"I think," Nick said; his brow furrowed so much his eyebrows almost connected into a uni-brow. "That God wants us to save ourselves for the person we marry."

Abby nodded, still looking thoughtful. "It says that in God's eyes, that you're married to the first person you.... well, do it." She blushed, glancing at Nick. His face was red to, and he met her eyes, and grinned. "I got a question." he said, looking at her, as though not sure what her answer would be. "Do you want to promise each other to stay pure till we're married? Just so... You know..."
"To each other?" Abby said, her face as red as a tomato.
"No!" Nick yelled, looking at her in disbelief. "I would never marry you. You’re... Abster."
"Good. I was worried for a second." Abby grinned at him, holding out her pinky. "I solemnly swear to never do it before I'm married. To save myself from a lifetime of 'I wish I wouldn't haves.' Nick nodded, silently agreeing...

Abby smiled, remembering that day, and all the conversations they had afterwards, especially in the last year, about how difficult it was to stay pure in this society. Then the not so good conversations, like Jake trying to convince her that it wasn't realistic.

"Oh shut up!" Jake cried in anger, shaking his head in disbelief at her.
"No!" She shouted, just as angrily back. "It’s my decision and I'll keep that vow, no matter if I lose people in the process."
"Well, its stupid Abster--"
"Don't call me that! That's Nick's nickname for me."
Jake rolled his eyes, "Oh yeah, I forgot that you worship that nickname when Nick says it, but when I say it you flip!"
"I flip because you only call me that to make me mad!"
"That’s right I do!"

Abby felt her heart in her throat. "Why, Jake? Why can't you respect my decisions?"
He rolled his eyes and stomped away, leaving her there, lying on the picnic blanket.


That day, she had sat there, numb, convinced she had just lost him as a boyfriend. As night had come on, Nick had begun searching for her, and when he did, she was so cold, she had fallen asleep. Carrying her home, Nick had told her that he wasn't worth it; no one should treat her in such a way.

He was right, Abby thought, moving across the room and through the hall, down the stairs to the basement. Standing in the doorway, hidden by the shadow of the stairs, she watched Nick, Arthur (Art), James and Carter leaning over a paper Nick was holding.
"Dude," Carter said, "That song is rank. Just rank."
"For one person, yes, a duet however... Isis could--"
Carter and James, groaning at the same time, shook their heads.
"You and this Isis junk, get over her, she--"
"There is no room for discussion." Nick interrupted, shooting a dirty look at Art. "I'm just talking about the tune of it."
The other three, nodding resignedly, walked back to their instruments, and picked them up, or in Art's case, picked up drum sticks.

"One two three," Nick shouted, holding up his fingers.

"The way you move, the way you hear, the way your voice sings in my ear, on those lonely nights.
The air in my lungs burns as I look at you, and I have to remember how to breathe, or I'll crash into the ocean of death.
I can feel my heart beating against my ribs, dying to find a way out and tell you what is inside.
The fire inside is burning my love away, and I'm afraid of the dark clouds on the edges of my earth."

Nick signaled the end, and sweating, turned to the other guys. "Whatcha' think?"

Abby moved into the room and said, "I think it’s beautiful."
"Thank you." Nick said, nodding, and holding out his hand. She joined him and took it, massaging his fingers with hers.
"Here, now that I've got you sing this for me." He said, pointing out a line and bending down to adjust the mic stand.

"I need your love; I can feel my body dying. I can see the moon and stars glowing behind your eyes.
I can feel the earth rumbling, and hope I can keep my standing, keep the cold from freezing me.
The stars are dust at your feet, and this warmth is in you.
And if I can't breathe, what are you going to do, without me standing by your side?
The planets are going to collide, so don't wake me up, just let me dream. "

Nick leaned over her shoulder, ready to come in with his next part. She could feel his hot breath against her skin, and could feel it tingle like a million fingers were stroking her neck at the same time. But no, that was just the normal feeling she got whenever she was around Nick.

Shaking her head, she looked at the paper, and waited for Nick to begin singing.
"What is this feeling rising in my body, filing me like water in a glass?
Why can't I just forget you and let my emotion go?
Because I'm afraid of what is hidden behind the doors of my brain, and I can't keep myself from crossing my fingers that it never opens.
The lock has no key, because I think you may be the link that I need to keep it locked forever."

"That’s all I have so far," Nick said, wrapping his arms around Abby and swaying as the music behind them died down.
"It’s gorgeous." She cried, turning around at wrapping her arms around his neck. Leaning in he kissed her on the nose, then lightly on the lips. Our second kiss... Abby thought.

And then, bliss.

Hey DramaLlama!

I'm here since I noticed this hasn't gotten any reviews yet. And I want to tell you though that I haven't really read the chapters before this. So, I might just actually focus on to outer core of the story and less on the inner one.

Wrapped in her fleecy blanket, Abigail leaned against the door jamb of the balcony, watching the leaves blow in the wind.

This can be compressed shorter and much easier read. And leaves don't blow in the wind, they get blown by it. Si'?

she was desirously happy.

Maybe you can show it?

Memories of her and Nick were on the surface too, much happier.

I'm not sure as to how I understand of what you're trying to tell us, but a bit awkward. Perhaps you mean it like this:

Memories of her and Nick were on the surface too, but much happier.

They were swinging, side by side talking about the church speech they had been given in Sunday school today.

As far as I know, speech are delivered, not given.

They were swinging, side by side talking about the church speech that was delivered in Sunday school today.

"I got a question." he said, looking at her,

That should be comma if the dialog ends with a speech tag.

Nick nodded, silently agreeing...

I suggest slashing out the highlighted phrase, because it comes out repetitive.

Abby smiled, remembering that day, and all the conversations they had afterwards, especially in the last year, about how difficult it was to stay pure in this society.

And again, try cutting this into two. Or much better to revise this.

Carrying her home, Nick had told her that he wasn't worth it; no one should treat her in such a way.

"He" denotes Nick. So change that pronoun to a proper noun.

He was right, Abby thought, moving across the room and through the hall, down the stairs to the basement.

There are actions here but it's hard to comprehend very well. And because some verbs are in present tense.

Standing in the doorway, hidden by the shadow of the stairs, she watched Nick, Arthur (Art), James and Carter leaning over a paper Nick was holding.

Be careful of your verb tense and of your long sentences.

"Thank you." Nick said, nodding, and holding out his hand.

"Here, now that I've got you sing this for me." He said, pointing out a line

You know already what to do here.

bending down to adjust the mic stand.

"bent down"



~

As what I've observed, you have a sweet story here but that's just all, DramaLlama. There are some sweet moments but they are ruined by the awkwardness of the sentence structures. And it feels like this is not realistic enough for me to sympathize your character. Although she has experienced this up-and-downs, you just failed to portray more of her emotions and thoughts on the story. Like for the fact she had just broken up with Jake, she's sad but it's quite abrupt as to how she became over with it already. How can she even manage to kiss Nike after the break-up? And especially that Nike knows of Abby's situation. How could he even let himself kiss her? DL, I think what you're offering here needs more improvement, especially regarding your character's reactions of their everyday situations in life.

Abby moved into the room and said, "I think it’s beautiful."
"Thank you." Nick said, nodding, and holding out his hand. She joined him and took it, massaging his fingers with hers.
"Here, now that I've got you sing this for me." He said, pointing out a line and bending down to adjust the mic stand.

"I need your love; I can feel my body dying. I can see the moon and stars glowing behind your eyes.
I can feel the earth rumbling, and hope I can keep my standing, keep the cold from freezing me.
The stars are dust at your feet, and this warmth is in you.
And if I can't breathe, what are you going to do, without me standing by your side?
The planets are going to collide, so don't wake me up, just let me dream. "

Onwards.

See how your paragraphs are structured? They're inconsistent. I'm not really sure if they're paragraphs, but you're having problems between spaces and all that. Especially if there's a dialog after one, then a space should be between them. The song should be italicized too, so that your readers would know they doing the actual singing.

Grammar wise, it could be much improved. I can see that you're struggling well with verb tense and yes, you need to work on that. Practice, I say. We all do that. Sometimes though, your lines are getting destroyed by the awkward phrasing you have. And you need to deal with punctuation carefully. That, I have already explained in the nitpicks above.You also need to use the right words, because if not, they tend to weaken your prose and your story, generally. So read more. ^^

Story wise, this needs more dimension-- depth. We need more of your character's personality in here. And how she actually deals with the break-up and her relationship with Nike. And if Nike is a really friend, he would try to comfort Abby and the idea of kissing her would be the last thing on his mind.

Try building the atmosphere too, so your readers can feel what your character's feeling too. And try to show more, it's because it seems that you're trying to write the ending quickly. And this lessens the realistic view of the story. The development should be there in your characters. The flow should be consistent and not too fast. Or else, your readers would hate your characters- which I don't think you're aiming for, right?

Overall, this has potential. You just need some revising of this story. Don't give up yet, DL. I know you can do better than this. ^^ Please feel free to ask me if ever you have any questions or clarifications. Let me know, okay?

Keep writing.

Peace out,
Yuri

Amazing. Just amazing! I'm sorry my reviews are annoyingly short, but I just can't find words to describe the awesomness of this story! I love it!

Aah..... Yes, what a good story about surviving society. I love hos she and Nick have such a history already and understand each other. I love how this story is turning out, please write more! I want to see some more serious plot, and I like the flashbacks, comparing Jake to Nick and showing the differences between true and untrue friends. Please, keep writing!

Aw! I love it! As usual.