Remembering Emily

Remembering Emily

Tragedy strikes when you least expect it. Like on a Birthday, or a holiday, or even just randomly. My troubles started on a perfect day with my perfect girl.


"Hey you coming?" Emily gazed at me with her deep hazel eyes. Her head tilted ever so slightly with her question making her long golden hair slide gracefully off her shoulders. Her beauty always took my breath away. From the moment she first stepped into Lincoln High, until now when we were on one of our many wonderful dates. We had both just started junior year and were enjoying the last few warm days that the summer had to offer.

I laughed, "Nah, I thought I'd just stay here and watch you ride around a bit. "

Emily grinned mischeviously at me "Alright, see you later then!" She took off on her bike up the parkway.

I noticed she was heading in the wrong way, away from her house. She knew me too well.

I jumped on my bike and took off after her. It felt good to have my own blonde hair flying in the wind.

Emily had a good head start, but I was stronger than her. I felt my muscles tighten as I flew up the hill towards her. My arms flexed as I pulled myself up with the handel bars until I was in a standing position.

Emily always told me she thought I had nice arms. I personally didn't believe her but it was nice to think she did.

I caught up to her quite easily and rode up next to her. She glanced at me and laughed, "couldn't keep away huh?"

"What was that? You couldn't keep away?" I smirked, " I thought you were slowing down."

Emily laughed. "That's not funny Jake," She said as she stopped and got off her bike.

"Then why are you laughing." I asked mimicking her in getting off my bike. I strolled over to her and kissed her softly.

When I pulled away she smiled and pulled me closer to her. She whispered gently in my ear, "Because I love you." and she kissed me again, a long passionate one.

When she pulled away I noticed how peaceful she looked. I held her even closer. She was mine. She would always be mine. That's a kiss I will always remember, " I whispered to her. She sighed deeply, "me too."

Together we went to our favorite spot under the willows. She and I ate a nice picnic lunch her mother had prepared.. Then we layed together on the blanket and talked for awhile. Finally to wrap up our day we went to the movies with a couple of friends. It was a good movie.Unlike our friends, me and my girl watched the entire thing instead of making out the whole time. We both shared a love for movies.

Later,I was reminded how I fell for this beautiful girl in the first place. It wasn't just because she was good looking, but because she was beautiful on the inside as well. She offered her bike to a one of our friends because she didn't have a way of getting home and it was late. She gave generously without even thinking about how she might get home. Indeed I believe she would have walked if it hadn't been for me. She rode on the back of my bike and together we made our way back to her neighborhood.

She gave me a quick hug and thanked me for the ride before hurrying up to her her porch. Her curfew wasn't for another hour but Emily wasn't one to push it. I smiled as I watched her vanish into the house. I loved her, more than I could describe. If only I had known that it would be a long time before I remembered that again.

Without her to keep me company me on my way back to my house, I was quite lonely. So I put my headphones on and listened to some good old ACDC to occupy my time. I had the music on pretty loud, which is why I didn't hear the car behind me. The driver didn't see me either because it was so dark. Well until he hit me anyway...

Omg I love this. It is so sweet and true. I can really see how much Jake cares for Emily. This is my first review in awhile so I am a little rusty but it was fantastic. I can not wait until you post more. Please let me know when you do. If you were wondering if you should continue with this story I will tell you that you should. If you don't a ninja will come and steal your computer as punishment for not posting more. Just kidding but seriously keep up the good work and keep writing. Good luck.

Hmmmm...Intriguing. I don't normally like romance novels but I think you that you might have me hooked with this one.
Anyway, I noticed a couple misspelled words.

"Then why are you laughing." I asked mimiking her in getting off my bike. I strolled over to her and kissed her softly.

I think you meant 'mimicking' not 'mimiking'.

Together we went to our favorite spot under the willows and she ate a nice picnick lunch her mother had prepared..

It's 'picnic' not 'picnick'

Well, that's it. Nice job. ~Dragongirl

P.S. Write more SOON!!!! *please*

Omg, so sweet I couldn't stop reading. You have to write another chapter soon!
There is a couple of errors, they will be in red.

When she pulled away I noticed how peaceful she looked. I held her even closer. She was mine. She would always be mine. That's a kiss I will always remember, " I whispered to her. She sighed deeply, "me too."

You missed the quotation mark before That's a Kiss I will always remember. You got the one at the end though :p

Together we went to our favorite spot under the willows and she ate a nice picnick lunch her mother had prepared.. Then we layed together on the blanket and talked for awhile. Finally to wrap up our day we went to the movies with a couple of friends. It was a good movie. And unlike our friends, me and my girl watched the entire thing instead of making out the whole time. We both shared a love for movies.

The first sentence is a run on sentence, add a period after willows and get rid of the and. For the second sentence you don't need the then, you can take that out. NEVER start a sentence with and. It is not proper.

Without her with me ton my way back to my house, I was quite lonely. So I put my headphones on and listened to some good old ACDC to occupy my time. I had the music on pretty loud, which is why I didn't hear the car behind me. The driver didn't see me either because it was so dark. Well until he hit me anyway...

The whole ending seemed kind of rushed. I didn't get the first sentence. You should fix that.

I like the story so far. Keep writing, GermsieGal

I fixed all the errors thank you guys so much for your reviews! They've been very encouraging. Considering I haven't written anything in like 4 months...

This is really good Steph! I mean, uh, Servant4Christ XD. Anyways I've always liked (and envied) your writing, and this is no exception.

The one thing I would have to say though is that the story is too picture perfect. I mean, a picnic under a tree and a movie? Try something different and unique, that stuff only happens in the books, and honestly it's kinda cheesy. Maybe they go to the ice cream store that they met at. It's a cute little shop that's been around since forever, but they love it. Or, if you want a picnic, they eat it at a tree house that's in their neighborhood. That way it's not so cliche and it gives a little more back round.

And it's also bit rushed. I mean you plop us down in the middle of a deep relationship. I know you don't want to go through the whole story on how they met, because that's not what the story is about, but we don't even know these people and they start kissing in front of us (if you know what I mean). Maybe after the meal you could mention a sweet kiss, but don't give to much detail. Just mention that he says to himself that 'the kiss felt special, like they always do' or something like that.

But this is pretty good Now I'm off to read the other chapters!

Good start.

You have some issues with grammer in this chapter. One thing you do a few times is starting dialogue on the same line as other descriptions, another character's dialogue, etc. Like here:

When she pulled away I noticed how peaceful she looked. I held her even closer. She was mine. She would always be mine. That's a kiss I will always remember, " I whispered to her. She sighed deeply, "me too."

"That's a kiss I will always remember" should be on its own line, as should "She sighed deeply...". Also, you forget the first qoutation mark in front of Jake's line.

I agree with a previous reviewer who noted how perfect this chapter is. I think you should add more dialogue, add a quirky date, give the character's some personality. If you've ever heard the old adage show, don't tell, I think doing just that would work a lot better to draw the reader in. Instead of telling us how great Emily is, why don't you write out the chapter showing us, through dialogue, description, etc. Doing this would also give the reader a better idea of who Jake is as a person, outside his love for Emily.

Hello Servant! Walker here with a review as requested.

And I know its pretty late. I've been a little over-stuffed with reviews as of late so I hope you don't mind that I'm just going to jump to the nitty-gritty instead of beating around the bush. So here are somethings I believe you might want to try and improve upon;

1.The Cliche

There are many instances, especially in romance, where the cliche is unavoidable. Here we are given a bit of insight into what those occurrences may be.

For instance, we have a very attractive girl, a very attractive boy, a teen romance, and a tragedy. Pretty much the making of any romance novel in contemporary fiction today. The problem with this is that originality barely shows through. We don't see anything about this plot or these characters that we haven't seen before. That's going to be your struggle, I believe.

So, if this is what you want to do with your plot line, I first want to see you start shaping characters and adding personality traits that are different than the norm. Give us reason to love these characters not because they are perfect but because they are interesting and distinctly yours. None of this 'she was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside' bs. Its almost infuriating to read about someone so absolutely perfect.

Secondly, I was you try try and elaborate not on the relationship standpoint but the youthful eccentricity. When one is young, infatuation is generally the emotion that is felt. To say that they are so deeply in love with each other would mock the very foundation on what love is built upon. Two perfect teenage specimens are boring to read about in any case. That being said, lets not over-dramatize teen romance.

2. Flesh

This is short and quick. The kind of thing that would usually summarize a certain situation in a short story, but is generally not see when it comes to novels. Romance, in itself, should be lingered upon so that we can see all the goods and the bads of the relationship. Generally, one is not always pleased with what the other does. That being said, we get a more interesting, less cliche look at real romance instead of this cookie-cutter version which is boring in any case.

That being said, beef it up. Give it some substance. Give setting, description, variety. Anything that isn't just 'She's beautiful. We've been on dates. I think shes the love of my life'.

Overall

I really want to see some character development throughout this novel. Some strong character development. What we've got so far is pretty basic and blatant compared to what I'm sure you want to come out of this piece. That being said, you really need to work on making your characters as believable as possible if you want to make something generally cliche work.

Other than that, it was a quick, refreshing read and I'll be back to review later chapters!
~Walker

This is imeadeatly gripping and VERY enjoyable. I loved it and want to know more!!!!