Allured - a fantasy love story chapter one

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1446
Reviews 38
Hey folks, this is just something I whipped up for fun, but I've taken to it so i decided to post it and hopefully everyone will enjoy the story as much as I enjoyed dreaming it up. This is just my first draft so I KNOW it needs more detail, I KNOW the chracters need more strength, and I KNOW the grammar and spelling isn't great. Just let me enjoy the writting process and dreaming process before the working my butt off everything else process. Thanks and enjoy

Snow
My heart’s rhythm followed the shrill sound my horses gallop. Over top the tree’s tops I could see the gigantic castle.

My new home Fae Castle.

A band of soldiers planked me as we walked along the riverbank. More of an escort, I suppose. Because I was somebody now, not just a warrior of a desperate village trying to protect my villagers. I was the princess escort. I was someone important.

It was last week that the Mabbians attacked my tiny little village of fifty. They came after our woman, and while most of our men ran away in fear, I could not let them breach the village walls.

There were people I loved here. People I cared about, I couldn’t let the Mabbians just take that away from me. I fought them, threw the fire and the sounds of steel on steel as the men who stood with me fought for their wives and their daughters.

We almost lost that battle, but we managed to keep hold until the Fae’s soldiers arrived, creaming the Mabbians in a blink of an eye.

That night we celebrated alongside with our allies, the Fae. The Fae were like us, fairies. Technically we were all Fae’s because we all lived under the ruling of the gracious princess Vivvian, a young half fairy half human.

The morning after the battle, a older fairy by the name of Davan came to me with an offer. The princess’s body guard, Jenkin’s had died two weeks ago in battle, and they were needed of a new one.

It gave me the opportunity to venture out of the tiny village I was grown and raised in, so I took the offer, and the next day we started our journey to the castle.

“Whoa” Davan said beside me as we entered a small little meadow.

It was a luscious green meadow, surrounded by trees and bushes with beautiful pink and yellow flowers that gave off a sweet scent.

“You’ll meet Princess Vivvian here” Davan said, jumping off his steeds back and landing in the dirt with a big thump. “Too many spectators at the castle, you know.”

“Oh, sure” I said and copied Davan, jumping to the ground.

My wings were glued at my side, I had never seen Vivvian in person, just heard the rumors about her that carried swiftly on the wind. She was gracious, kind, and very beautiful, so then men say. She was in her twenties, a very young princess but the Fae’s loved her and she made a fine princess. Ever since she took over when Cara the queen died almost a year ago the villages under the Fae’s ruling got more help with the Mabbians, the taxes dropped almost two thirds, and they got helped with food, medicines and clothing.

Everyone thought she was a god.

My stomach felt empty from nervousness, not because I was afraid I wouldn’t be good at my new job, hell I was the strongest in my village. This wasn’t my first rodeo, typically speaking. I escorted a lot of important people to important places. Fought in battle more then enough times to count, and was trained as a solider in my teenage years. I was more afraid of Princess Vivvian.

My experience with girls was minimal. The girls from the village found me to timid, to focused on battle and protecting the village. Plus, I really had no interest in girls at the moment.

“Halt!” Davan shouted at the soldiers that followed in behind me. “Halt! Jarmin stop snickering, those were not naked woman swimming in the river, it was a fish!”

I couldn’t help but laugh, Jarmin swore he saw two goddess swimming in the river, naked beckoning him to join them. I wasn’t sure what kind of weeds he was smoking but the guy was a laugh. Always hallucinating. Always seeing something when there wasn’t anything to see.

The soldiers burst into laugher around me, a low chuckle hanging on the balance of the breeze that burst through the meadow.

Then all was silent. And when I saw what caused a whole laughing army of soldiers to stop in their tracks my knees buckled.

She was wearing a silver dress that hung tightly around her shoulders and draped down onto the forest floor. It hugged her body beautifully, showing the curves of her hips and the long lengths of her legs.

A tiny silver tiara lay in a crown of brown wispy hair that fell down to her shoulders and down the crease of her back. Her green eyes were illuminated, even though she was feet away.

Davan cleared his throat and walked over beside me. “You have to introduce yourself, you know what we talked about?”

Of course I know what Davan was talking about. On the journey here he explained to me of the importance of the introduction, and the pledge I would have to make to her.

Ah hell, I was horrible at the kind of stuff.

Vivvian made her way across the meadow, and Davan kicked me hard in the back of the knees. “You could at least meet her halfway you donkey!” He hissed.

I swallowed the pride I had, that still stuck in the back of my throat and was chocking me like razor wire and made my way across the meadow to were Princess Vivvian walked, her silver dress dragging in the dirt.

My heart got stuck in my chest as I got closer. Her eyes were deeper then forest, all the shades of green stuck in the perfect ovals of her eyes. Her thick black lashes framed her eyes, and her nose was slender and long while her lips were a perfect plush pink. I was memorized, she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my entire life.

We were feet apart, then inches of part and I fell to my knees, almost like I was proposing except I wasn’t proposing marriage, I was proposing my body, my protection, my life. My stomach twisted and it felt like acid was building in my pit. Kneeling in the dirt, in front of the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t who I was, but this felt right, in front of her.

“I swear I will die for you if needed to be.” I stampeded, and I felt like a total idiot, but this is what she needed to here right? This was a pledge. “You have my life”

“No” She said quickly, kneeling down on her own knees in front of me “No, no, no.”

The whole world around me was frozen, watching the scene as it unfolded. The only sound was the faint sound of the breeze, twinkling on the leaves and the bubbling of the river that was just on the other side of the clearing. I thought my heart was in my throat as it beat and ripped in fear. Did I do something wrong? Did I say the wrong thing? Why was she, this beautiful creature kneeling beside me now?

She placed her small hands on my cheeks and her green eyes penetrated my blue eyes. “I would never ask you for your life, your not my slave, in fact I owe you for standing beside me on these hard times.”

She grabbed my hands that hung limp to my side and pulled me up. She was strong for a girl. For a tiny girl that probably weighed less then one hundred and fifty pounds.

“Come, I’ll show you around” Princess Vivvian grabbed my hand, her soft delicate skin was soothing against my rough skin and lead me through the meadow and back up to the castle.

Vivvian

Davan promised someone my age, someone I could connect with, someone who could be more then a body guard, but a friend. I thought he was talking about a girl, there were tons of girls from the surrounding villages that were strong and could easily protect me if I couldn’t protect myself.

But I wasn’t expecting anyone like Snow.

He was something to look at, that’s for sure. I’m not sure how I’d ever beagle to concentrate on my work with him around. He was quiet, focused on the job that has been laid out in front of him, and disconnected. He was like a child that didn’t want to make friends.

He sat on my right side during dinner, on guard almost the whole time. Like someone was going to jump out and attack. Didn’t he know that I was capable of taking care of myself?

The first night of his arrival he walked me to my room, said a quick goodbye and walked away, to his own room.

He must hate me.

***

“Oh come on Snow, jump in don’t be a baby!” I shouted at him as I treaded the rivers water.

We’ve been together a week, every morning he comes to my room, escorts me around to all my affairs and escorts me around on my spare time. Even when I’m with my girlfriend.

Snow takes his job seriously.

“I’d rather not, I’m not a strong swimmer.” He said standing on the bank, his hand never moving from the golden hilt from his sword.

“Seriously? Isn’t that part of the job description? What if I drowned?” I joked skipping the tops of my wings over the water.

“Well, I’d put my fears aside and jump in after you.” He said simply.

“Oh Snow, your no fun.” I splashed him and swam over to the side of the bank. “Can you help me out at least?”

I raised my hands up into the air and he raised his eyebrows. He was hesitant, and I figured he would be, he always avoided contact or maybe he was just afraid I’d pull him in. But reluctantly he pulled me up.

“This job, protecting you isn’t a very difficult job.” He said handing me my towel from the trees branch.

“Oh” It was my turn to raise my eyebrows “Am I boring you?”

He chuckled, for the first time since he got here “No not really, I just assumed there were always people out to kill you.”

I laughed, snuggling deeper in the towel. “Nah, I’m tough, everyone knows that so they stay away”

“Vivvian!” I heard a small voice say from deep in the bush.

Snow imminently stood in front of me, his hands gripping tightly on the hilt of his sword.

But I wasn’t scared, it was only my good friend Olivia.

She came running out of the bushes then came to a halt, eying Snow with her squinty brown eyes. “There you are!” She gasped. “I was looking for you all morning, I have a crisis.”

I smiled, walking past Snow, making sure I brushed his arm with my own. “A crisis? Whatever could that be?”

Olivia and I walked through the trees, are arms connected like a chain while Snow kept a few paces back, letting us talk amongst ourselves.

“I have nothing to wear for the ball tonight” She told me, her voice full of worry.

I laughed “Well that about that dress Marigold made for you?”

Olivia shrugged “Well you see that dress is pink.”

“So?”

“Everyone knows that Jericho hates pink!” She exclaimed. “And if I ever want him to dance with me, I can’t wear pink.”

I chuckled tossing my wet hair behind my shoulder “Well I will let you borrow one of mine then?”

“Oh would you!” Olivia smiled. “Can I wear that green one?”

“Of course, you can come get it now if you want”

Olivia perked up then smiled. “Will Snow be there tonight?” She whispered.

“Oh probably.” I smiled back. It was so obvious she wanted us to be together, in fact I wasn’t opposed to that. He was so kind, and good looking. He had shaggy blond hair, blue eyes, strong facial features. And he was tall, and thick. I wanted so much to just rest my head against his chest and stay there forever.

He’d probably get weirded out though. He was like that.

“You think he’ll dance with you?” Olivia asked, peaking behind her back at Snow.

I giggled “Well maybe if I told him he’d be guarding me from, I don’t know. An undercover Mabbian.”

We both laughed. “I think that creep from Aerie will be there, Skilton? Is that his name?”

I shuddered. “Yes, he and his brother Denkin got an invite”

Skilton was the son of the king of Aerie, he was a total creep. Long black hair that framed a pasty white face. When I had become princess, he tried to convince me that I had to sleep with him, that it was just what new princess do and if my council found out that I had rejected him, I would be looked down upon. Lets just say he wasn’t invited to the next ball.

His brother Denkin had promised to take care of him, he promised in front of me and the whole council that if Skilton tried anything, he would be put into jail and that would only disgrace his wonderful father.

I was going to give them both the benefit of the doubt.

Olivia found her green dress, looking beautiful in it. Then she left, and left me to my beauticians Crem and Jona while Snow waited in the hallway outside me room. They dressed me in a sapphire blue dress, that reminded me of the colour of snows eyes and let my hair down. I loved the feeling of my hair rolling down my back.

Write with your heart first
then with your head




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1087
Reviews 5
so far so good. can't wait to read more.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1903
Reviews 38
I like this :D
Everything is so vivid and you wrote it in such a way that you can imagine every scene and live it :L
The only problem were probably that some words were mixed up :L

My experience with girls was minimal. The girls from the village found me too timid, too focused on battle and protecting the village.


I was mesmerized, she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my entire life.


can't wait to read more :D
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1446
Reviews 38
Thanks! I'll probably post two more chapters tonight, maybe three! So stayed tuned.
Write with your heart first
then with your head




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22451
Reviews 498
Hello there! :)

Just reading the synopsis made me want to read more, so let's hope this is better than I wished for. I'm going to make some nitpicks... If you want, you can ignore them, I'm just writing them. Don't worry, I won't make it too long. ;)

Over top the tree’s tops I could see the gigantic castle.


The Fae were fairies,like us., fairies.


The princess’s body guard, Jenkin’s had died two weeks ago in battle, and they were in need neededof a new one.

My wings were glued at my side, I had never seen Vivvian in person, just heard the rumors about her that carried swiftly in the wind.


Everyone thought she was a goddess.


Why was she, this beautiful creature[color=#FF0000],[/color] kneeling beside me now?


I’m not sure how I’d ever be able to concentrate on my work with him around.


“Oh come on Snow, jump in. Don’t be a baby!” I shouted at him as I treaded the rivers water.


Olivia and I walked through the trees, our arms connected like a chain while Snow kept a few paces back, letting us talk amongst ourselves.


I laughed. “Well what about that dress Marigold made for
you?”


They dressed me in a sapphire blue dress, that reminded me of the color of Snow's eyes and let my hair down.


okay, I'm done! The story line didn't deceive, good job! i didn't correct it all, but I figured you didn't want me too either, so this is all.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6431
Reviews 155
Ok I enjoyed it it was good <3 ok onto the review. Overall good but I did notice you need to add commas or periods before quotation marks for example
“Whoa ,” Davan said beside me as we entered a small little meadow.
. Overall though it was very good!
-Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4870
Reviews 145
I'll not comment on the few mistakes, (which are few) since you mentioned this was just a rough draft and you'll fix up the errors later. I like it so far, but it seems as if the princess is pushing herself a little to much, for only knowing Snow one wk??? Seems a little...slutty I guess; partly because she's a princess and should be accustomed to having to ignore handsome young men.
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 709
Reviews 83
I agree. I liked it though. Very few errors. I like you character build up and I think this should turn out pretty good. Off to the next chapter!
"Hello, is this thing on?"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1446
Reviews 38
Possibly posting more tomorrow... its been along time iknow!
Write with your heart first
then with your head



I support the shrek message.
— MiniGem26