She's such a Drama Queen chapter 3

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Chapter 3


“How was your trip?”

I gritted my teeth and tried to focus on my final accounts while trying to ignore the annoying voice of my “bully” Kyle.

He was blonde and dark eyed, with a sneering smile and a tall skinny figure. He was one of the reasons why I tried to steer clear of guys, with his arrogant personality and flirty manner, he had a way of making other girls feel like dirt and it most definitely applied to me by one hundred per cent. He always made fun no matter what I did. I would get high marks on a test, he would be the first one to call me a nerd if I got the lowest mark in a test he would be the first to call me loser. It was like no matter what he did, he was there…my personal hell.

I stared at the numbers on my page, feeling the quiet atmosphere of the last class. Usually at the end of the week there would be a lot of reason for excitement, someone would be whispering and giggling on the back rows. There would be the unmistakable sound of beeps as people received text messages from their friends, making plans for the weekend. But it was especially on this afternoon that the narkiest teacher had to take control of our class, Mr. Blake.

He sat at the front desk and glared at anyone who he thought was talking. People tried to avoid his accusing finger that resulted in detention and most possibly suspension. He was a tall balding middle aged man with angry eyes and a stiff posture. He always wore grey suit and brightly polished black shoes.

“Let me get this straight, she actually fell?” whispered a red-haired girl called Melissa, she was one of April’s most loyal friends, with her perfectly fake-tanned face and manicure she was the definition of fake and stupid. She was really curvy and that’s what made her popular among guys, but as I always said, the bigger your ass was, the smaller your brain was.

“Oh yeah she did,” smirked Kyle, “Just tripped…”

“Don’t pretend you weren’t there,” I hissed at Melissa.

Melissa gave me a malicious grin, I wanted to tell her that she got lipstick on her teeth but then I thought it’ll be funnier if a guy pointed it out instead, “Touchy,” she observed and pointed her pencil at me, “But hey, you have reason to be. How does it feel to be the loser of the school?”

“How does it feel to be the whore of the school?”

“MICHELLE!” growled Mr. Blake pointing a finger at me.

I sighed and looked up, "Mr. Blake," I said with forced politeness; I was in no mood for this.

"Detention! After school!"

"For what?"

"Didn't you hear what I said about the start of class?" asked Mr. Blake his double chins wobbling with his anger.

"You said no talking," I answered shrinking back in my chair, I could feel Melissa's smirk on my face so I pointed a finger at her, "She was talking too."

Mr. Blake glared at me then turned to glare at Melissa, who gave me a murderous glare. He straightened up and gave us a deadly smile, "Well then you both have detention. After school."

* * * * * * * *


I came home a few hours later feeling pissed off. It was amazing how much I could screw up in one day.

Family life was pretty much boring; my parents were usually at work so it was rare to find them home. Usually they would’ve hired someone to look after us but since I was socially impaired and barely did anything they didn’t need to worry about me going off and doing something I’ll regret. Luckily for them, my little sister way ahead of me.

When I opened my front door and threw my bag at the bottom of the stairs leading to a winding corridor I could hear the sound of loud music from upstairs. I sighed, not again.

I walked up the winding staircase, smacking the banisters to warn my sister I was home then heard the sound of music stopping, her bedroom door opened just a crack and my sister, Avril, looked out suspiciously.

She was a scene, with dark long hair set in long layers; she was always horribly pale with flawless skin and a lot of makeup. My mum always tried to convince her to dress like a proper person but she never gave up on her rocker style.

She liked it and I had to admit it suited her. Unlike me, she could’ve been the older sister, her deep dark eyes were suspicious and fierce she was also so messed up that she changed her name from the special name, Kate that my mum picked out to her to Avril, after her favorite singer.

“What?” she snapped rudely.

“Tell your boyfriend to get out,” I snapped back.

“What are you talking about?”

“How stupid do you think I look?” I asked glaring at her.

Avril narrowed her eyes at me and in that one glance I was seriously scared for my life, “Travis…” she said coldly.

The door opened wider and a tall, dark haired youth came out. He glanced at me once and in that one glance I shuddered. His dark blue eyes were brooding and fierce. A couple of scars were clearly visible on his neck through the collar of his black hoody.

I couldn’t put an age to him and by God was I glad I came up and kicked him out. The thought of someone like him seeing my sister scared me.

I glared at him suspiciously, gave my sister a warning glance then walked down the stairs into the clean tiled kitchen. My mum was obsessive when it came to cleaning; the whole kitchen gleamed and sparkled in the bright light from the enormous scenic window. I stared into the microwave and found a plate with a slice of lasagna. I put it on heat and sat down at a counter and stared broodingly at my fork.

The smell of lasagna began to float around the kitchen; I didn’t know whether I should just do what Vanessa suggested? Let her change the ways I look and then let her boss me around about what to say to Erik? I wouldn’t be able to handle it…I remembered when he picked me up after I fell…the way his eyes stared into mine, I felt butterflies just thinking about it and an unwilling smile lit up my face.

“Why were you late?” asked Avril striding into the kitchen.

I shrugged, “Got in shit with Mr. Blake.”

Avril snorted, “Whoa, little miss perfect? In trouble? What changed…and please don’t tell me you finally got over your stupid shyness and started smart mouthing everyone.”

I didn’t answer and she laughed, “Whoa mum and dad were right,” she said.

“Hey…” I warned her, “If you go mouthing off about that detention I will them you had a guy in your room and I don’t think they’d approve of Travis.”

Avril smirked, “Nobody approves of him,” she laughed and sat down at the counter, “He’s a threat to national security.”

I rolled my eyes at her, wow it was so like her to make the situation lighter for her by saying something really stupid.

I spent a few minutes eating my lasagna cleaned up the dish knowing that my mum would get a heart attack if it was lying on the sink then got ready for my shift in the cinema.

I liked working at the cinema, there was something reassuring about standing behind the popcorn counter inhaling the sweet scent of buttered kernels and hear the sound of ice hitting the bottom of plastic cups. Another good thing about it was that nobody could make fun of you there especially if you’re the one handling their food. There were so many times when I was tempted to shove a bit of salt into someone’s coke.

I pulled on my black cinema shirt and made my way out of the house. It didn’t take me long to reach the shopping centre putting my hood up I rushed through the crowd and stepped in through the staff room door of the cinema.

“Michelle!” exclaimed one of my work mates, Claire.

She was blond with dark highlights and dark brown eyes; she was the most cheerful out of the whole staff. She was the only one in this dump who could make me smile on a Friday evening.

I gave her a small wave, “You’re here early,” I observed.

Claire shrugged, “I know right,” she thrilled, “You’re here late, come on…the popcorn counter is waiting for you.”

I smiled then taking off my hood I headed for the popcorn counter. I just sat down and turned around to see that there was no queue when suddenly my heart stopped beating and I found myself looking at Erik.

He was walking towards the counter wearing a long t-shirt with a huge robot at the front and dark jeans, his hair messed up. He gave me a huge grin and propped his elbow on the counter.

I smiled ignoring my beating heart, “Hi…” I said awkwardly, “What would you like to…”

“Well I’m watching “April Fool’s day” isn’t that meant to have a full meal set?”

I looked at the price list in front of me, “Em…yeah, two popcorns and two huge cokes…that’s like eleven euro,” I replied and typed it into the cash register.

“Sweet,” said Erik and took out a wallet, he fished around for some notes, “So how long have you been working here?”

Oh my God…he was making small talk! I tried to act cool when I shrugged, “A while, every Friday.”

Erik glanced up at me and gave me a lopsided smile, “Really? This is the first time I’ve seen you.”

I smiled, “Yeah I know right,” I said, “But does it ever happen to you when you first hear a name or see a person and
suddenly you see them everywh-” I stopped talking feeling a furious blush make its way all over my face.

Erik’s smile didn’t fade, he gave me the money, “Keep the change,” he said as I put the cash in the register.

I collected all the coins and passed them to him anyways and began to put the popcorn in the bag.

“So have you seen “April Fool’s day”?” he asked.

I shook my head then remembered what I heard on the review, “Well it’s meant to be some chick flick.”

“Any action?” asked Erik.

I put the popcorn on the table and began to fill the plastic cups with coke, “Well if you’re referring to violence there’s not any.”

“Oh great,” groaned Erik, “So I’m spending my time watching a sappy chick flick.”

I laughed, “Well I’m sure you and your friend would have a great time.”

Erik grinned again, “Great time is right…chick flicks is a good way of getting action, if you get what I’m saying…”

I felt my smile vanish, oh no I don’t get what you’re saying…

Erik laughed at my expression, “I’m kidding,” he said and grinned, “But hey…it’s great seeing you…”

“Ah I see you’ve met our fallen friend here,” said a sugary sweet voice of April.

She leered down at me wearing a sickengly small mini skirt and a low top. She put a hand around his waist and turned to face me, “Well hello, Michelle.”

“You two know each other?” asked Erik glancing at both of us.

I glowered at April but she smirked, “Oh yeah we know each other,” she said, “We know each other very well…well toodles.”

Erik took the popcorn and gave April the drinks then with one last grin at me left. I saw her whisper something to him and then he kissed her.

I felt my heart sinking; I sunk down to the floor and banged my head against the counter. Oh stupid, stupid, stupid! I couldn’t believe I didn’t think of this…of course Erik was with April! She was a whore! Of course he’d be with her! Ugh…who the hell was I kidding?

“Hello free popcorn?” asked an amused voice.

I looked up to see Derrick grinning at me from the top of the counter, “Go away!” I groaned.

“Can I have free popcorn?”

“No!” I grumbled and got up again, “What are you doing here?”

“A double date,” replied Derrick and shrugged at a small brunette girl wearing a mini skirt and a shirt.

“Great…let me guess you’re going to see “April fool’s day” and you want the meal set?”

“No actually…but hey…that’s a good idea!”

“Go away,” I grumbled again.

Derrick suddenly looked concerned, “Are you ok?”

I forced a smile and nodded, “Oh I’m ok but trust me…after I talk to Vanessa I’ll be much better!”
Last edited by Al3xx on Sat Sep 25, 2010 2:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx




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Ah, I liked this novel. I think it's a really good idea and you should definitely continue it.
First off, I noticed some run-ons and a few things that need work:

When I opened my front door and threw my bag at the bottom of the stairs leading to a winding corridor, I could hear the sound of loud music from upstairs. I sighed, :arrow: not again.


You do tend to forget commas in a lot of places. Look for a natural pause in a long sentence and put the comma there. Also, the words "not again"--were they supposed to be a thought? It seemed like it. It also seemed like a good place to start a new sentence. I think it adds an interesting emphasis. So it might look like this: "I sighed. Not again." Something like that.
Wondering too if you need the description of the winding corridor. Could you work that in a couple paragraphs later, like have her walking along it?

I walked up the winding staircase, smacking the banisters to warn my sister I was home, then heard the sound of music stopping. Her bedroom door opened just a crack and my sister, Avril, looked out suspiciously.


Avril smirked, “Nobody approves of him,” she laughed and sat down at the counter, “He’s a threat to national security.”


You should get rid of "smirked" or "laughed" because having both of them is redundant. I do like Avril's words though. Is there a reason her name is so similar to April's, or is that just coincidence?

Erik’s smile didn’t fade. He gave me the money. “Keep the change,” he said as I put the cash in the register.


My recommendations would be to watch your run-ons. I think you need to work on your comma usage, especially. There were a lot of commas in awkward places or lacking in places they should have been. Other than that, really, your grammar was great. I saw no spelling mistakes. I was also thinking, maybe you should expand her your first part with Mr.Blake busting on Michelle.

Your characters are awesome! They all have such clear voices and talk, think, and act like typical teenagers. I was laughing at a lot of the stuff they said and did. Their actions speak well to characterize them. You also do an excellent job of building other characters through your MC's perceptions of them. I definitely felt like I could connect with these people and it was very true to a kid's life these days in many ways. I look forward to reading how Michelle takes her revenge ;)




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Derrick is my fav <3
Hah okay just a heads up, when i went to Ireland, I payed almost 14 euros for a burger, so i think you have to up your price for two popcorns and two drinks ;)
Okay and if the setting is Ireland I was to see you descibe there sexy hot accent.
Common, we all know irishmen have the sexiest accent.
Okay back to your story..
I like it, i think your transitions to different settings have to be clearer.
But everything else is good!
Write with your heart first
then with your head




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Hey there!
Ok I gotta say I love this chapter. It's not just a load of random nonsence. I enjoy how you tell it as it is. What she's thinking, the facial expressions that she makes and that other around her make. In all honesty I haven't read the first or second chapters yet, but still I feel like I already know mainly who these people are.
Just a few little things I saw.
I gritted my teeth and tried to focus on my final accounts while trying to ignore the annoying voice of my “bully” Kyle.
using the words tried and trying sounds a bit redundant to me. Maybe you can say something like, "I gritted my teeth and continued to work on my final accounts, trying hard to ignore the annoying voice of my "bully" Kyle."
He was blonde and dark eyed, with a sneering smile and a tall skinny figure.
I think you could try to find a different way to describe his figure for instance you could say, "a tall scrawny figure."
per cent
percent is one word ;)
He was a tall balding middle aged man with angry eyes and a stiff posture. He always wore grey suit and brightly polished black shoes.
I like the way you described him here but I think you can leave out one of the "he"s either writing it as "A tall balding middle aged man....." or as, "stiff posture who always wore....." The second option would probably be a run-on sentance though if some changes weren't made. Also maybe put the discription at the beginning of the paragraph so it follows his name.
“Let me get this straight, she actually fell?” whispered a red-haired girl called Melissa,
when I read this part I think of Melissa as putting emphisis on the word "fell" maybe put it in Italics. Also you could describe the way Melissa is saying this. Is she amused, concered, angry?
I could feel Melissa's smirk on my face so I pointed a finger at her,
ok now this part I don't get, If Melissa's smirk was on her face then wouldn't that imply that Michelle was wearing the same smirk as Melissa normally did? Maybe this could read "I could feel Melissa smirking at my error so I pointed a finger at her,"
Just something about Avril... if she is the little sister why is Michelle afraid of her and how come Avril seems to be more in charge. I like way you made her to be, sort of the opposite of Michelle. I just think that Michelle should have a little more power like she did when she kicked Travis out.
Other than those little opinions of mine, I really enjoyed reading this piece of work!
Regards
~Missy~
Going down a rabbit hole, get away from all we know!



You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author