City Boy - Chapter One

Alright, so I thought I'd try out a new thing. Romance novel, I know! Wow! Because I've currently been working on a fantasy one, I thought heck, I need to imrpove on how to write romance and where better to improve but on YWS. I know this needs some work but that's why I'm posting it on here. So just tell me what you think. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Ooh, and this will have minor cursing and maybe a 'lil bit of stuff not suitable for youngens (not bad stuff, but it still might insult some people). Just so you know.



Chapter One:

Willowing trees framed the moss licked pathway; blocking the setting sun’s rays from shining on the thin cut grass. The timber house that it led to had paint crumbling from all corners. Hornets buzzed eagerly around the broken ceiling light, stopping every now and then to rub their legs together. A massive hole above one of the windows was sloppily patched up with a thick plank of timber. In all honesty; it was the worst house I had ever seen.

"It's a beautiful as I imagined." Mum pushed past me, holding a box in her arms. She whistled as she burrowed around in the pocket of her pants, pulling out a large set of keys on a chain. "C'mon Zander, help me get some stuff." She pushed back a piece of blonde hair, and smiled excitedly.

Of all the places we could've moved into, why did she choose this run down place? The house looked like shit! I stumbled towards the car and picked out one of the heavier boxes. She left our perfectly good apartment for this! I looked over my shoulder to see three identical houses clustered together. 'Honeydew Cottages' was like a little village of its own. It was horrible. Moving out of the city was bad enough, but moving into a house where the toilet and bathroom was stationed outside is even worse!

If it hadn't been for Mum getting a stupid promotion we wouldn't have even moved in the first place! Damn her boss! I stumbled up the rickety stairs. They creaked under my weight as I stepped on them. The smell of lavender and pine met my nose. I instantly gagged. They smelled so sweet and pure! Where was the exhaust or the smell of booze? At least they didn’t send my senses reeling.

"Zander, would you come over here and help me with this?" I rolled my eyes. Tossing the box to the floor, I followed the sound of her happy singing into the kitchen. Most of the cupboard doors were hanging by their hinges. The only one that was still standing had a large hole at the top that looked like it had been gnawed upon by rats. A white sheet was sprawled across the table. Mum motioned to the other side with a flick of her chin. I sighed. Grabbing at the other end of the sheet I contemplated throwing it over Mum’s head and whilst she was trying to free herself, I’d have hijacked the car and be driving back to Illinois as fast as I could! I didn’t though, no matter how much temptation slugged through my veins. Rolling the sheet up into a tight bundle, I avoided Mum’s stare.

This wasn't how I expected I’d be spending my summer holidays. Surfing and chatting with babes was the plan! But then Mum had to ruin it all with her ‘promotion’! I could’ve been speaking to Alice Bedford by now. Alice Bedford: the hottest girl in the whole of Illinois. Maybe even a kiss? I grounded my back teeth together and stormed back out of the house. Stupid Mum! Always thinking about herself. What about me? I could’ve been locking lips with Alice Bedford for crying out loud.

I stormed back out towards the car and grabbed at the remaining bags in the boot. Slamming it shut, I stared at my reflection. I smiled. My perfect golden skin and scruffy blonde hair…at least I still retained my beach look. Winking my golden-green eyes, I tried to imagine surfing next to Alice Bedford. We’d hit the blue waves together, laughing and screaming as we intertwined down the wave. She’d reach for my hand and I’d reach for hers. I’d say how nice her hair was -

I blinked out of my fantasies and stared up at the sound of a tractor. Placing my hand over my eyes, I spotted a small green thing chugging down a dirt road. I smirked. Oh great, so I lived next to farmers. And let me guess, their daughters are three eyed aliens that aren’t allowed out of the house without a mean looking shot gun behind them?
I chuckled. The moon was beginning to rise into the sky. You could never see it in Illinois. The smog covered the sky for as far as the eye could see. It didn’t look that pretty anyway so I wasn’t missing anything. I strolled back into the house, and let the bags fall from my fingers. Mum sat down in the middle of the living room, drinking from her bottle of mineral water. She sighed dreamily as her eyes roved around the house.

“Mum?”

“Yes sweetie pie?”

I rolled my eyes. “I think I’m gonna go to sleep now.”

“Sleep, but it’s only six?” Her big blue eyes filled with motherly concern. I groaned instantly.

“Yeah but I’m tired.”

Mum nodded, and stared back down at her watch. “You’re right as always sweetie. You do need to catch up on your rest. After all, tomorrow we have a big day of cleaning and I have to enrol you into your new school.”

“Great!” I said with mock excitement. I stumbled away from her and down the corridor. Paintings of old houses and trees framed the walls. I stopped at the door in the end. My new room, oh yay! Grabbing onto the door knob, I pushed at it with my shoulder letting it swing back. Instantly I regretted it. The family of raccoons on the futon Mum had set out for me roused. The fatherly-looking one began to growl. Snapping its jaws like a dog, it charged towards me.
Screeching, I grabbed at my door and swung it shut before the raccoon could even reach me. My heart beat rose frantically as the sound of claws carving into the door echoed down the hall way. Stumbling away from my room, I looked over my shoulder to see Mum pulling a drill out of a box.

“Mum, there is a family of raccoons on my bed!”

“Racoons?”

“Yes, raccoons!” I snapped, still worked up about nearly being mauled by a furry little thing.

“You sleep in my room then sweetie. I’m going to be up all night making repairs anyway.” I mimicked her words and stumbled into her room. It was the only room in the house that looked functional. Jumping onto her double bed, I kicked my shoes off. Let’s just hope those stupid raccoons don’t invade Mum’s room while I’m sleeping in it. After all, I needed my face. I was going to return to Illinois and the first thing I’d do was surf with Alice Bedford.

Hmmm, this is alright. It was good, but not great. Getting there, though.
Firstly, you miss commas. Like here

"C'mon Zander, help me get some stuff."

Comma goes in between c'mon and Zander.

Next, your description is getting there. As a reader, I want to feel the wind brushing your MC's face. I want to feel the shock your MC felt when he found that family of raccoons in his bed. Give strong description, show the reader and add emotion.

Overall,
It was good. You main character comes out as strong, just make sure he doesn't become a Gary-Stu. I'm excited to see what happens next.
Nice Work
~WickedWOnder

Apple wrote:
Chapter One:

Willowing trees framed the moss-licked pathway.

"It's as beautiful as I imagined."

"C'mon, Zander, help me get some stuff."

The smell of lavender and pine met my nose. I instantly gagged. They smelled so sweet and pure! Where was the exhaust or the smell of booze? At least they didn’t send my senses reeling. = (Are you talking about the booze that sends him reeling or the lavender and pine?)

It didn’t look that pretty anyway, so I wasn’t missing anything.

I strolled back into the house and = (No comma in between those words) let the bags fall from my fingers.

“Yes, Sweetie Pie?” = (Comma was needed, and if his mum is calling him 'Sweetie Pie' then it is a name, therefore it needs capitals.)

“Yeah, but I’m tired.”

“You’re right as always, Sweetie.”

“Mum, there's a family of raccoons on my bed!” = (This isn't a vital change, but I do think it might fit more with Zander's style of speech.)

“You sleep in my room then, Sweetie. I’m going to be up all night making repairs anyway.” I mimicked her words.

Lots of little mistakes that are just really little tweaks, such as lost commas or capitals, but that's fairly normal. Over all the story is ok, but I'd like to hear a bit more about Zander and his past life, but I dare say that'll be revealed in due course.
Just one other thing, I have noticed you change from past to present tense sometimes when halfway through a paragraph. I don't know whether this is intentional or not, but it is a little confusing.
I liked the start, some good description (though you need a little more emotion), I like Zander in a way I could only like a story character - because I'd dislike him in real life. You're good at portraying the mother-and-son relationship between Zander and his mum - keep it up.

I found there was too much description in your first paragraph. It was a lot to take in all at once.
Your character needs a bit of work, but i know this is probably your first draft and my characters don't get strong until the middle of my first draft, then I back track and make them stronger.
I know that if there was a family of racoons on my bed, I would be a little hesitant to go to sleep, and so would my mom.
She'd probably call the police or the neighbours.
So maybe you can make it a little bit more realistic.
But keep up the good work!

Hey!

I liked this, especially the way you described the house and the way the MC's personality came through.

I do think there are a few things you could improve though. At some points it felt to me like there was an exclamation mark every other sentence and it got quite annoying. I would suggest toning that down, because you don't need that many to get across Zander's anger, and for me it got too much. Also, it felt to me like you overdid Zander's hate of the house to the point where it became unrealistic. I mean, hating a run-down house is one thing, but gagging at the smell of flowers is a bit crazy.

You occasionally slip into the present tense, for example:

Moving out of the city was bad enough, but moving into a house where the toilet and bathroom was stationed outside is even worse!

And it's just a tiny nitpick, but can a raccoon really look "fatherly"? I would imagine that they all look pretty similar, and you're not really going to look that closely if they're charging at you. Maybe say "the largest" or something along those lines instead?

But overall this is an interesting set-up and I hope you post more on here, because it'll be interesting to see where it goes once the romance comes in. Keep writing!