Crimson Lullaby Chapter One

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Chapter One
You are the only Exception

The Lesson was going well. Well I'm sure the teacher thought it was going well, no one was loud, nothing was thrown and no notes were passed which was an achievement. However, this may have had more to do with the fact that 10 minutes into the introductory video that our genius teacher decided to show on a Monday morning everyone decided to take a nap.
Having been thoroughly bored, I decided to write instead. I had been working on a poem for a couple of days but I just couldn't figure out how it should end. While I was writing I was aware of someone looking at me and after a quick look a discovered that it was Max. For the rest of the lesson I refused to check whether he was still watching but, amazingly, I managed to finish my poem.
When the bell rang signalling the end of class I quickly packed up my stuff and escaped to my home room. There I saw most of the class was already waiting.
Ethan Crane, my boyfriend, smiled as I made my way towards him and my brother, Mathew Dare. Ethan had short blond hair, toned muscles and stood at least 6 feet tall. Mathew and I were mirror images, dirty blondes and he more blonde than I as I dyed mine this stormy cranberry brown. People still referred to me as ‘Blondie’, much to my annoyance. He was also taller than me, tree-like height similar to Ethan.
Ethan checked something on his phone, closing it when I reached them, without even getting the chance to greet them I was yanked back and squeezed tightly. A familiar squeal followed the hug then a chuckle.

“Nene,” I gasped “C-can’t breath”

She released me and giggled again, I breathed heavily and turned to face my best friend, Eternity Salvatore. She had long, platinum blonde hair with one bang that framed her flawless face. Two large, endless, ocean blue orbs accompanied her alluring face. And a big grin telling me she had a secret she desperately wanted to share with me. Beside her, my other best friend, Rylan stood his dark brown spiky hair contrasted with his hazel eyes and olive skin; He was also one of those tree-like guys with the thick muscular body.

“W-What is it Nene?” I gasped.

She grinned, “Rylan and I-” my eyes widen “-are together now”.

“Oh my god” I squealed throwing my arms around her, “My two best friends, how cute!”

Mathew slapped Rylan on the back, “Sweet now we can triple date”

Nene and I babbled for a few minutes when our notoriously late homeroom teacher Mr. Campbell entered the room. We dispersed to our given seats. Mr. Campbell sat on his desk and stared at us for a long time. He had a head of silver hair styled into a military cut. He was well toned and a naval officer before becoming a teacher.

“Hello student how has your sophomore year been so far?” Mr. Campbell asked. No one put their hand up so he continued; “Well I haven’t gotten any complaints yet, Mr. Dare-” Matt sat up suddenly “-I’d like to keep it that way.”

Matt laughed, “Sir I’ll try to keep the damage to a minimum this time around”

Mr. Campbell said dryly, “Well with that out the way we have a new student. You all should remember her. Jessica Maxwell?”

“Jessica?” I repeated my eyes narrowing to slits.

The door opened once more and silence covered the room as a tall girl with long lean legs entered. Her outfit consisted of a white tank top and a hot pink mini-skirt with tasteful white tights under it. She wore some matching converse shoes and her hair was let loose to cascade over her shoulders. Her green eyes scanned the room with excitement and her face lit up with joy. There were wolf whistles and some claps. Squeals ran through the room and a couple of jeers were added into the mix.

“Hey, she’s cute” Phillip muttered.


“JESSI!!!” Hailey yelled jumping up from her seat to hug her long time best friend. The red head was then tackled to the floor as her old friends crowded around her.

“Why is she back?” I asked trying not to show my anger. “I thought she transferred to some modeling school”

Her brother thought for a minute, “Rox, calm down. It has been a year since you and Jess-” he stopped suddenly catching the stare his sister sent, “uh never mind”

“Well Mrs. Maxwell, you need no more introductions. Welcome back. Okay guys, tomorrow we need to discuss class officers. Think of the person you want to our class rep.” He stood

“That’s all you can go.”

Members of the class trailed out of the room, I pushed my books into my bag and looked over at Ethan, and he was staring intently at the red head.

“Hey Jessica” Mathew said warmly as he could as Gwen made her way towards him,

“welcome back. You’ve grown.”

“So much has changed Jessica,” Gwen said blushing, looping her arm through Matt’s after he pulled away.

“Hmm?” She said curious “Like what?”

“A lot,” Eternity said coldly. She still had the scar on her back from a prank Jessica pulled when they were freshmen.

“I see” Jessica smirked, “Ethan!” She squealed as her cat eyes found him

She ran and pounced, throwing her arms around his neck. Her long legs constricted around his waist and she pressed her lips to his. Ethan seemed to have forgotten I was even there. Without a word I left the room, i wouldn’t let her get to me. Someone followed me but I wasn’t sure who it was.

Jessica pulled away from Ethan and stood on her two feet, “So Matt where is your sister?” Jessica asked licking her lips, “I do miss her”

“Uh-” Matt stared at Ethan, who was already through the door. They all knew Jess was brash but this was whole new level even for her.”

“Wait. What’s going on?” Jessica asked grabbing Mathew’s arm before he could run off. “Talk?”

“Ethan and Roxanne are together.”He said off handedly with a smirk.

The redhead released him, a snarl forming on her beautiful face. She had a long pressed vendetta against the younger Dare twin. Since they were little both girls hated each other and competed fiercely at everything. Damn it, she thought, Roxanna Dare why can’t you stay away from what’s mine.

Ethan thought as caught up to her at her locker “Roxie, why’d you just disappear?”

“Ethan in case you are totally blind you just made out with your ex-girlfriend in front of your current girl friend. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that?”

“Rox” he started.

“What?”I questioned angry.

“You know Jess, she doesn’t think?”

“And you didn’t think to pull away” I asked trying to push past him when he grabbed me and forced me to look at him. “I hate Jessica”

“Hates a strong word…?” he asked.

“Ethan, she’s tried to ruin my life since my freshman year. She almost killed my best friend. So excuse me if I have to use a strong word to describe how I feel about her” I glared at him.

“You know that Jess and I compete over everything. Why do you think you would be any different?”

He laughed “Jessica is my past, I didn’t love her, and hell I barely liked her. But you mean so much more to me, don’t you realize that by now…”

“You were with her before, she sees you as her property, and I just took a loan.” I said livid now. “And I guess-”

I was cut off when I felt his warm lips pressed onto my own. He took the lead and I gasped this kiss was different...it had a strange newly found passion and it was more aggressive unlike before. And that moment of sweet bliss was ruined with…

“ROXANNE DARE!” Jessica screamed, running towards us.

I pulled away from Ethan’s embrace, the others streamed behind her. Our faces were red as we tried look nonchalant, he failed miserably. “Uh hey guys”

“Remember we have plans this weekend,” Eternity grinned pulling me away, “No guys. Just you, me and our fantastical weekend!!”

I forced a grin back “How could I forget Nene”

“Latter Jessica,” Nene smirked and she looped her hand threw mine and we walked off.




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Hello there, Hersheypiegirl! Welcome to YWS! :D

Nitpicks first, then I'll talk about the whole impression I had of the story later. I'm sorry if I seem a bit harsh! =]

Ethan Crane, my boyfriend, smiled as I made my way towards him and my brother, Mathew Dare. Ethan had short blond hair, toned muscles and stood at least 6 feet tall. Mathew and I were mirror images, dirty blondes and he more blonde than I as I dyed mine this stormy cranberry brown. People still referred to me as ‘Blondie’, much to my annoyance. He was also taller than me, tree-like height similar to Ethan.


She had long, platinum blonde hair with one bang that framed her flawless face. Two large, endless, ocean blue orbs accompanied her alluring face. And a big grin telling me she had a secret she desperately wanted to share with me. Beside her, my other best friend, Rylan stood his dark brown spiky hair contrasted with his hazel eyes and olive skin; He was also one of those tree-like guys with the thick muscular body.


Do you really need to tell us how tall they were, what their last names were and what the colour of their hair were? Yes, these are all very important details, but just piling these details in one single paragraph instead of putting these in a little at one time (by writing about them in the character's actions, their dialogues, their thoughts, etc) will only make the readers bored. This is a novel --- if I assume correctly --- and you will have lots of time to describe how they look and act later. Introduce the reader to your characters by showing them from Roxie's viewpoint, not by just talking about what they look like. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't think about your friends in your head by thinking about their surnames and the colour of their eyes, right?

Her outfit consisted of a white tank top and a hot pink mini-skirt with tasteful white tights under it.


Seriously, do you really need to tell us what she was wearing?

Her brother thought for a minute, “Rox, calm down. It has been a year since you and Jess-” he stopped suddenly catching the stare his sister sent, “uh never mind”


Jessica's brother? Or were you talking about Rox's brother? As I'm assuming that it's the latter, it's weird to suddenly change from first person to third person. it will only make us readers confused, so please change it.

“Well Mrs. Maxwell, you need no more introductions. Welcome back. Okay guys, tomorrow we need to discuss class officers. Think of the person you want to our class rep.” He stood


Punctuation, dear! And as Jessica isn't married, it should be "Miss Maxwell" instead of "Mrs Maxwell".

“welcome back. You’ve grown.”


Who's talking?

She had a long pressed vendetta against the younger Dare twin. Since they were little both girls hated each other and competed fiercely at everything. Damn it, she thought, Roxanna Dare why can’t you stay away from what’s mine.


Wait. Wasn't this from Roxanne's viewpoint?

“Remember we have plans this weekend,” Eternity grinned pulling me away, “No guys. Just you, me and our fantastical weekend!!”


Wasn't Roxanne just confronting Jessica? Why did Eternity suddenly pull her away?

So the first thing I found confusing in this chapter was that you sometimes change from the MC's (main character's) point of view to a bystander's point of view. Changing POVs (point of views) can be sometimes essential to the story, but is really confusing to the reader --- we wouldn't know who the heck is talking. Please change it.

Plot-wise, I'm scared that it will become a "hot girl leaves, hot girl's boyfriend becomes girl's boyfriend, hot girl comes back, girl and hot girl compete against each other to win the boy's heart, even though he isn't worth it in the end, girl wins because hot girl is too slutty, blah blah blah" story. Try to twist it a little bit to make it less cliched, so that it ends up being a new romance story. :D

Anyways, with a bit of wok, I'm sure it could become a better story! keep writing, and if you have any questions or if you need help, you can always PM me. Don't worry, i won't bite. :wink:

~iceprincess =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.






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Hersheypiegirl wrote:Chapter One
You are the only Exception

The Lesson was going well. Well I'm sure the teacher thought it was going well, no one was loud, nothing was thrown and no notes were passed which was an achievement. However, this may have had more to do with the fact that 10 minutes into the introductory video that our genius teacher decided to show on a Monday morning everyone decided to take a nap.
Having been thoroughly bored, I decided to write instead. I had been working on a poem for a couple of days but I just couldn't figure out how it should end. While I was writing I was aware of someone looking at me and after a quick look a discovered that it was Max. For the rest of the lesson I refused to check whether he was still watching but, amazingly, I managed to finish my poem.
When the bell rang signalling the end of class I quickly packed up my stuff and escaped to my home room. There I saw most of the class was already waiting.
Ethan Crane, my boyfriend, smiled as I made my way towards him and my brother, Mathew Dare. Ethan had short blond hair, toned muscles and stood at least 6 feet tall. Mathew and I were mirror images, dirty blondes and he more blonde than I as I dyed mine this stormy cranberry brown. People still referred to me as ‘Blondie’, much to my annoyance. He was also taller than me, tree-like height similar to Ethan.
Ethan checked something on his phone, closing it when I reached them, without even getting the chance to greet them I was yanked back and squeezed tightly. A familiar squeal followed the hug then a chuckle.

“Nene,” I gasped “C-can’t breath”

She released me and giggled again, I breathed heavily and turned to face my best friend, Eternity Salvatore. She had long, platinum blonde hair with one bang that framed her flawless face. Two large, endless, ocean blue orbs accompanied her alluring face. And a big grin telling me she had a secret she desperately wanted to share with me. Beside her, my other best friend, Rylan stood his dark brown spiky hair contrasted with his hazel eyes and olive skin; He was also one of those tree-like guys with the thick muscular body.

“W-What is it Nene?” I gasped.

She grinned, “Rylan and I-” my eyes widen “-are together now”.

“Oh my god” I squealed throwing my arms around her, “My two best friends, how cute!”

Mathew slapped Rylan on the back, “Sweet now we can triple date”

Nene and I babbled for a few minutes when our notoriously late homeroom teacher Mr. Campbell entered the room. We dispersed to our given seats. Mr. Campbell sat on his desk and stared at us for a long time. He had a head of silver hair styled into a military cut. He was well toned and a naval officer before becoming a teacher.

“Hello student how has your sophomore year been so far?” Mr. Campbell asked. No one put their hand up so he continued; “Well I haven’t gotten any complaints yet, Mr. Dare-” Matt sat up suddenly “-I’d like to keep it that way.”

Matt laughed, “Sir I’ll try to keep the damage to a minimum this time around”

Mr. Campbell said dryly, “Well with that out the way we have a new student. You all should remember her. Jessica Maxwell?”

“Jessica?” I repeated my eyes narrowing to slits.

The door opened once more and silence covered the room as a tall girl with long lean legs entered. Her outfit consisted of a white tank top and a hot pink mini-skirt with tasteful white tights under it. She wore some matching converse shoes and her hair was let loose to cascade over her shoulders. Her green eyes scanned the room with excitement and her face lit up with joy. There were wolf whistles and some claps. Squeals ran through the room and a couple of jeers were added into the mix.

“Hey, she’s cute” Phillip muttered.


“JESSI!!! (You don't need three exclamtion marks here.)” Hailey yelled jumping up from her seat to hug her long time best friend. The red head was then tackled to the floor as her old friends crowded around her.

“Why is she back?” I asked trying not to show my anger. “I thought she transferred to some modeling school”

Her brother thought for a minute, “Rox, calm down. It has been a year since you and Jess-” he stopped suddenly catching the stare his sister sent, “uh never mind”

“Well Mrs. Maxwell, you need no more introductions. Welcome back. Okay guys, tomorrow we need to discuss class officers. Think of the person you want to our class rep.” He stood

“That’s all you can go.”

Members of the class trailed out of the room, I pushed my books into my bag and looked over at Ethan, and he was staring intently at the red head.

“Hey Jessica” Mathew said warmly as he could as Gwen made her way towards him,

“welcome back. You’ve grown.”

“So much has changed Jessica,” Gwen said blushing, looping her arm through Matt’s after he pulled away.

“Hmm?” She said curious “Like what?”

“A lot,” Eternity said coldly. She still had the scar on her back from a prank Jessica pulled when they were freshmen.

“I see” Jessica smirked, “Ethan!” She squealed as her cat eyes found him

She ran and pounced, throwing her arms around his neck. Her long legs constricted around his waist and she pressed her lips to his. Ethan seemed to have forgotten I was even there. Without a word I left the room, i wouldn’t let her get to me. Someone followed me but I wasn’t sure who it was.

Jessica pulled away from Ethan and stood on her two feet, “So Matt where is your sister?” Jessica asked licking her lips, “I do miss her”

“Uh-” Matt stared at Ethan, who was already through the door. They all knew Jess was brash but this was whole new level even for her.”

“Wait. What’s going on?” Jessica asked grabbing Mathew’s arm before he could run off. “Talk?”

“Ethan and Roxanne are together.”He said off handedly with a smirk.

The redhead released him, a snarl forming on her beautiful face. She had a long pressed vendetta against the younger Dare twin. Since they were little both girls hated each other and competed fiercely at everything. Damn it, she thought, Roxanna Dare why can’t you stay away from what’s mine.

Ethan thought as caught up to her at her locker “Roxie, why’d you just disappear?”

“Ethan in case you are totally blind you just made out with your ex-girlfriend in front of your current girl friend. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that?”

“Rox” he started.

“What?”I questioned angry.

“You know Jess, she doesn’t think?”

“And you didn’t think to pull away” I asked trying to push past him when he grabbed me and forced me to look at him. “I hate Jessica”

“Hates a strong word…?” he asked.

“Ethan, she’s tried to ruin my life since my freshman year. She almost killed my best friend. So excuse me if I have to use a strong word to describe how I feel about her” I glared at him.

“You know that Jess and I compete over everything. Why do you think you would be any different?”

He laughed “Jessica is my past, I didn’t love her, and hell I barely liked her. But you mean so much more to me, don’t you realize that by now…”

“You were with her before, she sees you as her property, and I just took a loan.” I said livid now. “And I guess-”

I was cut off when I felt his warm lips pressed onto my own. He took the lead and I gasped this kiss was different...it had a strange newly found passion and it was more aggressive unlike before. And that moment of sweet bliss was ruined with…

“ROXANNE DARE!” Jessica screamed, running towards us.

I pulled away from Ethan’s embrace, the others streamed behind her. Our faces were red as we tried look nonchalant, he failed miserably. “Uh hey guys”

“Remember we have plans this weekend,” Eternity grinned pulling me away, “No guys. Just you, me and our fantastical weekend!!”

I forced a grin back “How could I forget Nene”

“Latter Jessica,” Nene smirked and she looped her hand threw mine and we walked off.


Firstly-welcome to the YWS. I'm Kit
Okay, so, you have too much description, examples are where I have blue, and they get too romantic. 'Ocean blue orbs'?
Try showing more. As a reader, I don't want to be told.
Also, slow it down. You're rushing into it way too fast.

~Kit
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!



I have my books and my poetry to protect me.
— Paul Simon