- I don't know whether you're keeping the Lady Gaga song from ch.1, but I'd recommend that you just mentioned her in passing rather than quoted the lyrics. I think it would be more effective if it were to fit in with the story somewhat more - like it playing on the stereo or something.
A Little Less Random
bare looking
What does that mean? If something looks bare, surely it is bare?
It's been bugging me, by the way - where did you mention the ginger thing before? Was it The Rape Tunnel? I remember finding it funny back then, too, heh (and are some of the characters the same?). I would check, but you've taken it down.
Regardless, I really enjoyed this, and I especially like the present tense you've got going on. I'm a little unsure about why you have two separate chapters, though - they're too short, if you ask me, especially since not a lot happens in them and they would probably work just stitched together.
Now, my opinion on this may change very quickly, but I find that the general pace of this is too mundane. You probably went for that, which is fine, but I would like to see a hint of something mysterious, or out-of-place that could foreshadow some of the oncoming plot, if only subtle - I know that isn't a fantasy story or whatever, but as it stands the store feels very purposeless considering we're three chapters in.
But that depends on what's to come. Feel free to let me know when you post the next part - I might miss it. So, see you around, and good stuff here.
-Blinky
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde
