Evadyne part 2

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3149
Reviews 153
Before you read, read this part it is called Syrus part 1: post656846.html#p656846

Evadyne
The evil men came into my room while I was lying down, my mind was relaxed and at ease. One second I was sitting on my bed then I blinked my eyes and four men where suddenly there. Forcing me to the ground they wrapped duct tape around my wrists and ankles. Placing a strip on my mouth, they sat me up on the bed and that’s when I saw him. He was looking through my window; he would save me I thought filled with relief.
Then I saw a mans hand on his shoulder, the man was smiling. Syrus’s eyes showed shame and fear. He watched while they duct taped my legs he watched and did nothing to stop it. My blood boiled in my veins, I gave him a look of pure hate. Tears fell down my face as they carried me outside, no one was home nor did I see anyone around the neighborhood except Syrus. The Syrus that I knew would have stopped them. The Syrus I knew would have called the police, he would have held me in his arms once the police arrived, and Syrus would have saved me.
How much I wish to get free from these men I know I can’t. How much I wish that Mother and Father didn’t leave to go on a quick weekend trip, I know they did. How much I wish that I could have been on guard when they snuck into my home. I know I wasn’t. But I know that wishing is much more than doing, most of the time you wish in one hand and spit in the other. Or that’s what Syrus always used to say.
One of the men brushes my cheek to catch my attention, turning towards him he removes the duct tape that’s on my mouth. As he begins to speak I spit in his face quickly. Striking out towards me, I twist my body around. The blow lands on my back, my breathe is knocked clear out of my chest as the man grabs the sleeve of my T-shirt and wipes his face with it disgustingly.Turning away from me he produces more duct tape and I am once again unable to speak. Staring out the window, which is spray painted black nothing looks back at me. Closing my eyes I feel the rhythm of the car bumping along the road. My mind falls asleep to the noise of the men’s heavy breathing and Syrus stays very close to my mind as I drift away
Waking up I feel myself be hauled out of the car. Opening my eyes I see darkness and the silhouettes of my captors, the air is warm and humid, palm trees are seen in the distance. Street lamps trail along the barely seen road. The men pull me along with them, I see a run down looking building, getting closer I discover that it is an old motel. Doors line the outside of the building, I see a few other cars but no people meet my vision. Leading me through one of the many doors I listen to the men’s gruff voices speaking of what, I seem to not understand what they are saying. It takes me several minutes but I finally discover that they are speaking a different language, Italian maybe.
As we enter the room the air is so hot and humid that I stop walking and try to drag myself back outside. But the men pulling me grip my arms even tighter; easily they pull me deeper into the room. Sitting on the two beds or at the small table are men, men wearing all black obviously in deep conversation. Their heads bent and focused on a map that lies on the dark, heavy bed comforter. The two men holding say something in their language, catching all the men’s attention, all their eyes focus on me. Under their scrutiny I feel miniscule and worthless, a tiny speck in the world.
“Come her girl,” A voice says from somewhere in the room. Looking from each person in the room, one man in particular stand up from his position. His hair is grey and eerily transparent, his face evenly proportioned and his eyes seem to be a dark blue, like the murky dismal blue of the sea. “I said come here girl,” He demands again. The men’s grip on my arms vanishes; somehow I make my way over to the man, keeping my eyes trained on the floor I wait. “What is your name girl,” He asks gruffly.
“Evadyne,” I answer quickly.
“Think. Can you tell me your full name, first, middle and last?” He asks slowly.
I tell him my whole name softly, “Evadyne Alice Coperson.”
He nods, as if he already knew my whole name. “My name is Ruben Thane Coperson.” He waits several moments, letting his words sink into my skin. “Nice to meet you, Evadyne.” He says with plenty amusement in his voice. Why does he have my last name, why does he have my middle name? He’s too old to be my brother, to young to be my grandpa… oh no, he’s my dad.
My mind spins and the world sways as I think of what is happening to me, wait what is happening to me. I question myself frantically, looking up into my fathers face I see my face, my eyes, my nose, my ears, I see my father.
Standing in front of my father I think of when I found out he was dead. Killed in a car accident when I was 7 years old, but the truth was he was never dead. He was as alive as much as I was, breathing, eating, living. Lying. “Does mom know that you’re alive?” I ask timidly.
Nodding his head he answers, “Yeah, she knows, she agreed. Said it was for the best, to keep you safe.”
“To keep me safe! Why in the world would I need protection from my own dad? You made me believe you where dead for ten years. Ten years I thought of you as a spirit in the sky, someone watching over me, someone protecting me and guiding me through my life.” I tell him angrily, I feel my cheeks reddening and my mouth curling into an unattractive grimace.
“Evadyne darling, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Watching you, protecting you, guiding you, I am the leader of a very dangerous group. People might want to harm me, or harm my family. I would never want you harmed or killed, I love you.” He says these words with a delighted down to earth tone, as if he actually does care.
“When have you ever cared, when have you ever given me a thought. You, y-y-you selfish bastard!” My hands shake; it feels as if I’m not even me anymore, as if I’m a stranger.
Looking back at my father I see that the smile that was on his face just seconds ago has melted away, along with the amusement that laid in his eyes just moments ago. Anger is replaced amid his aging face.
The blur of his hand is seen; suddenly I’m knocked off my feet. I feel a burning on my cheek, a sharp slap delivered across my face. Looking up at my father I feel tears burn in my eyes, I refuse to let them fall. As if they do, my father will think I am neither strong nor whimsical enough for him.
Why do I need to make sure my father knows that I’m strong, he’s the one who left his own family. Shaking my head I regain my position, moving as quickly as I can I strike out at my father. Not expecting me to hit him back he tries to move out of the way but I am too quick. I cuff his ear, hard; ducking out of his way I watch my father closely. He is obviously stunned; looking at me he shakes his head.
Speaking a few words to the men in the room, two of them grab my arms and haul me back outside. The rest of the men follow, as we walk my father speaks. “Once they let go of your arms I want you to run, if you don’t run they’ll be consequences, if you do run they’ll be consequences. No questions.”
“What the hell,” I question. Why does he want me to run, he’ll probably shoot me or sick, giant, black, man eating dogs on me. Suddenly I see the men release me and there I am standing like a slack jawed idiot. All the other men and my father stand three feet away from me, watching silently.

I try to think of what to do next but I waste several seconds so instead of standing there thinking I run. The street in front of me seems a good way to go.






Copyright 2010- property of Akorn
***************
Not the end of the chapter; just what I have so far. Thanks for reading!
Last edited by snickerdooly on Mon Jun 21, 2010 7:16 am, edited 4 times in total.
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1212
Reviews 47
Hey there,
I really Like this. It flows well, and drew me in. It's up to you if you want to continue it. It could work well as a short story or something longer. Looking forward to more of your writing!

~Poem
"We played Pin the Tail on the Reason My Life Feels So Insufficient, and nobody won." -Megan Moriarty




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
Hi there Snickerdooly,

Here to do the review. Ok now, I noticed a lot of sentences who are in desperate need of commas. I won't go back to mention them all but if you reread it, you'll be able to find them. If you have difficulty, just pm me and I'll go over them again, no problem. Just think that commas lend a little pause to the sentence and give it a different tone. REad it out loud, it might help.

I enjoyed this chapter but I felt like it was precipitated, informal. We don't know anything about Evadyne. SOuldn't she have recognised her father ? Or at least realise that he was familiar? Why did she fall asleep in the car? If I was just kidnapped, not sure I'd sleep considering I didn't know what they did to me.

What I think is lacking is the five senses. What does she hear? Touch? see? And so on. Why does she think they're speaking Italian? Because it sounds familiar and she once had an italian friend? How does she feel? Is she frightened, does she want to defend herself to the end? When the dude removes her tape,she spits in his face which tells me she's willing to fight but when her father calls to her, she is meek, her head is down. I'm not sure how to size her up yet.

All that being said, I really am intrigued by this and I would love to have you pm me the next chapter. I hope this was a helpful review :D

Tanya




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3149
Reviews 153
Thanks. I definitely need to work on the imagery a bit... or a lot. :wink:
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18529
Reviews 176
Most of this happens way too fast.. Especially when she sees her father, who she had always thought was dead. It seems weird that she would recognize him at all. And she comes to terms with the whole deal too fast. I'd be kinda freaked out if my dead father suddenly showed up..

That being said, I just don't find this too realistic.
Cheers,
lena
stay gold, ponyboy



How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.
— David Foster Wallace