Syrus part 1

SYRUS

SYRUS
They catch her by surprise. While she is in her bedroom lying on her bed, her hair is down. Her long curls flow across her back, she is wearing a pair of black shorts and an over sized blue T-shirt that make her eyes glow like gold. She screams as the four men gather over her, duct tape is placed around her mouth. She kicks her legs and flares her arms, but the men are too strong for her to escape. Tears stream down her face as I watch one of the men kick her in the side.
Watching her I ache to do something to help but I’m in trouble as well. This morning I awoke to find several men in my home, they said they were searching for a girl. A girl that they saw me with, they say they saw me kiss her for the very first time, they saw me caress her cheek bone adoringly. They knew that I was her boyfriend; they knew that I could lead them to her. I asked them why, why did they want her. Their answer was simple; it wasn’t them that wanted her it was her father that needed her. I told them her father was dead, dead by a horrible accident as he was driving down the highway on his way home to see his newborn daughter. They smiled and said that’s what we where suppose to think.
I tried; I tried to take the pain. To not tell them where she was but after several short seconds of torture I broke. My words where filled with shame, they burned my throat as they slid out of my mouth. How could I have done this, betrayed her when I loved her so.
At exactly 5:00 pm they placed me in front of my house, so I could see her through her bedroom window. One of the men stood beside me as they forced me to watch, they made me watch as they kidnapped her because it was my fault. My fault that at this moment she was suffering, suffering because it was my mind and mouth that told them where she stays.
“She’s only 17; you can’t let them hurt her.” I tell the man who stands beside me; he places his hand on my shoulder and ignores my plea. Looking back through the window, I see the men duct tape her hands and ankles. Setting her upon the bed her eyes stray to the bedroom window, she sees me. Her eyes show relief to the nth degree, then she looks at the mans hand that lies on my shoulder. Suddenly her eyes show a lifetime filled with pain and betrayal. How much I wish to kiss her lips and make all her pain go away. But I know that wishing is much more than doing, most of the time you wish in one hand and spit in the other.
The last time I see her is when the men carry her out of her house. Tears continually stream down her face, fear radiates off of her skin. The fear touches me as well and suddenly I’m frightened for her life as well as mine. Once they get out of the house I watch them pile into a car and drive away, her face I see in the window staring at me. Her eyes are unforgiving and hateful, I would hate her too if she told the men where I was. My body is feeling weak and shaky; now that they have found her they will want nothing to do with me. Breathing a sigh I feel somewhat glad that I was not hurt, that now that she is gone I will be safe to live my life.
Walking back through the door to my home I walk into the kitchen and begin making a small lunch for one. Turning around I see several dark shadows of men leap out at me. Striking out blindly I throw the glass cup that’s in my hands, it shatters against the tiles of the floor. Strong hands hold me down; opening my eyes I feel a gun kissing my forehead. I sense my captor’s hesitation, but then I hear the cock of the gun and one of the men pulls the trigger. Death is here, death is here.

Copyright 2010- Property of Akorn

Hi there, snickerdooly. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for tonight.

So, there are a few things that I would like to address with this story. I think that you need to tidy up your tense in the first part of the story. I know that you need that present tense in order to preserve what happens at the end of that section, and that's fine. But I think you need to go through and make everything a bit easier to understand. Start by changing all of your passive verbs to active verbs. For example:

Looking back through the window, I see the men duct tape her hands and ankles.

...should be:

I look back through the window and see the men duct tape her hands and ankles.

The verb should not come before the subject in the sentence. Go through and fix this before anything else.

Also, I say ax that random last paragraph from the girl's point of view. It doesn't really fit in here at all, and messes up the decent ending you had from Syrus's point of view.

You have a good start here. But you need to work with this a bit. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi there SnickerDooly,

I'm obviously here to do a review. I'm going to have to agree with Conrad; cut the last part. In my opinion, it would be much better without it. I really liked the first part, by the way. It was very compelling, a good and interesting read but there is a few things I'd like to point out.

Once they get out of the house I watch them pile into a car and drive away, her face I see in the window staring at me. Her eyes are unforgiving and hateful

Ok, this part bothers me. Why? Well, if four men were grabbing me, tying me and duck taping my mouth and I happened to turn my head, I'd probably feel a jolt of relief My boyfriend's coming to save me! Instead, she automatically assumes it was his fault, she right away percieves guilt and shame in his eyes. Doesn't feel right to me. Maybe you could say that her gaze is full of relief but it slowly dims when she sees one of the men lay a hand on Syrus's shoulder or something. Bah! If I'm not clear, Pm me and I'll explain!

Walking back through the door to my home I walk into the kitchen and begin making a small lunch for one. Turning around I see several dark shadows of men leap out at me. Striking out blindly I throw the glass cup that’s in my hands, it shatters against the tiles of the floor. Strong hands hold me down; opening my eyes I feel a gun kissing my forehead. I sense my captor’s hesitation, but then I hear the cock of the gun and one of the men pulls the trigger. Death is here, death is here.

I really like this, very descriptive. Did the idiot actually think they'd let him live? HAHA!

Ok, that's pretty much it, could you PM me for the next chapter?

Tanya

Hey snickerdooly! Your name is sooooo cute. I mean it!

Okay, now on with the review! What I kept on wondering when I read this piece was, "Why would she be kidnapped?" Because you tell us what's going on, but you don't really give us a clue as to why it's going on, and that makes me sad! I realize that this is multiple parts and you're probably going to tell us why in the next part or something, but I think it ought to be here instead. That way, you can delve into other, non-introductory conflict in your subsequent parts... and what can I say? That's awesome!

Good luck and thanks for posting!

Thanks guys! Um because Syrus is now dead it is going to go into Evadynes point of view! I'm going to fix it up then it will be more teling why she was kidnapped and all that stuff!

Hey there!

I normally don't review Romantic stuff, Twilight ruined romance for me and I was always not really into love and stuff. But this, well this was a perfect mixture! There's a great kidnapping scene mixed with some romance stuff and the idiot traitor Sryus' death. Honestly, hasn't he ever watched ANY kidnapping movies, obviously once youve seen the evil dudes face, you might as well kiss your 'retired in florida' dream goodbye!

The names are very interesting and unusual. Maybe this is in the future or past?
I like that you don't say the age of them yet, becasue they could be 17 or 37 for all we know! But I assume they are pretty young.

Overall nice job! PM me with the next part

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity