The Inch - The Full Story - Chapter 1

The Inch

There is no one else. There is only I and my love who can tell our story – Our love story. Wouldst it be in Archaic English or not, regardless of proper grammar unless the listeners demand? There is only one way to tell it, and that is to summon every memory back from the graveyard. Let me begin with that specific moment, when my thoughts were blank…when…

Chapter 1 - Meeting

...I was thinking nothing and was struggling against my tears. That event just made me nostalgic, memories were coming back. It was in the middle of August. My name is Haniel Riddenwood and I was thirteen. My father had always been the manager of the stables and my late mother grew vegetables in her old garden. She was gone, and that day was her death anniversary. It had been three years. The people left the place after a couple of hours and I was left alone in the meadow. My father wiped his tears and left early for work. Moreover, it was Saturday, so I was able to stay for awhile. I had my violin with me, the one that my mother gave me for my ninth birthday.

I wiped another tear before I started playing Canon in D on my dearest violin. I played the intro, as the wind blew the grass and the pine trees that filled the meadow. I continued playing ‘til the verses and then, the chorus, which is my favourite part of the song, was lovely. Despite the speed of it, I remained calm and stood still. I made a mistake at the middle of the second chorus and stopped playing.

“Still…” I started murmuring, “I haven’t perfected playing Canon.”

I was melancholic as I spoke those words at the gravestone of my beloved mother, recalling my first violin lessons a month after my ninth birthday.

“I send belated condolences to thee,” spoke a lovely voice from behind me.

I was astonished. What was the point of speaking in Archaic English when that language was already forgotten in this part of England? And, for another reason, I was astonished, for I have already been alone in this meadow for hours. My face remained serious though.

“Did I surprise thee?” continued the girl.

I turned around and saw her, a very beautiful blonde British girl. I spoke gently but dim-wittedly because of my astonishment, my bow and violin still in my hands.

“Thou are from…somewhere else in Britain, correct?”

She laughed at my pathetic Archaic English, though I knew mine was really poor.

“Pardon me,” she spoke, “I actually do not know if my Archaic English is correct.”

We laughed in unison. Then, for the sake of decency, I fixed my white polo and put my bow and violin down on the gentle grass.

“I’m Haniel,” I introduced myself as I stepped forward and reached my right hand out.

She took my hand and shook it.

“Elina,” she replied.

Her hand was soft and smooth. Her voice was kind and gentle. I started liking her from that moment on.



We went for a walk, away from the peaceful meadow. We paced slowly, as slow as the speed of our conversation. She skipped forward and held two thin trees in her gentle hands, looking at the sun that glimmered through the leaves above. The sunlight lit up her lovely sea green dress. Her blonde hair shone like the sun.

“It’s so beautiful here,” she said gently.

Then she turned back to me after she made final glances around. She and I stood still, and the bow and violin’s sort of coarse feeling already departed from my hands. We stared at each other’s faces, scrutinizing. I looked at her eyes and so did she look at mine.

“It was nice meeting you, Haniel,” she suddenly spoke. It seemed to me like some kind of resistance or emergency.

“You’re leaving already?” I asked hesitantly, trying to stay polite.

“I was just passing by when I heard your soothing violin,” she winked as she smiled.

“Okay…” I had nothing else to say.

“Adieu!” she said gladly, waving gently.

I waved back timidly as I stepped back. I wasn’t able to wave the same way she did, for I was shy. Then, I looked behind, and looked back at her again. Her head was tilted towards my direction, eyes looking at me as she walked away. My thoughts were fuzzy, and the distance seemed unfathomable.

OK, I'm going to honast with you and I apoligize now if I seem crude, but heres the criticque. I didn't see the point in that first chapter and if your looking to continue this story you need to make a real good first chapter if you want someone to read the next. What I saw was no feeling with your character, no feeling or enough descripiont withen the scenery, and no interesting story line that caught my attention.

What I would do is: take another look at it, fix the few grammer errores. yes I did see some but I'm not an expert at grammer so if you need help with that I'm sure theres others that are much better than me. Anyways you can make this alot better without changing the storyline. Give it more feeling, how was your mc feeling while he was at the grave yard? How was he feeling when he met the girl? How was the scenery to begin with and how did it change? Also it was a little too short and be better if you made it longer execialy since this is the first chapter. Ok if you want take my advise and make the story better if not then delete this w/e but I hope I helped, good luck pm me when you revised it and I'll be happy to do another review.

Alfreto

Whoo - hoo! *sharpens her claws* Let's rip this apart!

In a good way, I mean. I'll go line by line/paragraph by paragraph.

Whisperer wrote:The Inch

Chapter 1 - Meeting

I was thirteen. I was playing my violin which my late mother gave to me for my ninth birthday. The song was Canon in D. I played the intro, and the wind blew the grass and the pine trees that filled the meadow where I was. I continued playing ‘til the verses and then, the chorus. The chorus, my most favorite part of the song, was lovely. Despite the speed of the chorus, I remained calm and stood still. I made a mistake at the middle of the second chorus and stopped playing.

First of all, I'm getting the impression that you've started too abruptly. The first two sentences kind of just thrust us into the story, which may be a good thing, but it just feels really fast. You give us a little information but the pace kind of makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a lake without a paddle.

also, I think most favorite is gramatically incorrect, but I can't be sure.

NOW REMEMBER this is just my opinion. Sometimes I overanalyze, so it's best to take my critiques with a grain of salt.

Whisperer wrote:"the wind blew the grass and the pine trees that filled the meadow where I was."

This sentence is kind of confusing. See if you can rephrase what you are trying to say to make it more clear to the audience.

Whisperer wrote: “Until now…” I started murmuring, “I haven’t perfected playing ‘Canon’.”

I was melancholic as I spoke those words at the gravestone of my beloved mother, which I was standing before.

once again, you have this confusing the phrasing going on. I understand what you're trying to say, but it's kind of hard to process. For example, "which I was standing before" kind of feels the tacked on. When I get this information that your character is standing there, I've already begun to build the pictures in my head and lay out what's going on - I have to briefly reread and apply this new information. It's important to know where your character is, but I feel like we learned it too quickly and it kind of muddles my previous understanding of the text.

I hope that makes sense... I'm a Myers-Briggs INTP, analyzation is what we do, but I can be pretty OCD and muddled about it.

Whisperer wrote: “I send belated condolences to thee,” spoke a lovely voice from behind me.

creepy! I like her phrasing.

Whisperer wrote: I was astonished. What was the point of speaking in Old English, when that language was already forgotten in this part of the Britain? And, I was astonished, also because I’ve been alone in this meadow for hours and no one knows my hiding place.

now I'm wondering what time period it is... you said astonished twice in the same paragraph, which feels repetitive. you might want to change one of them to a synonym.

Whisperer wrote: “Did I surprise thee?” continued the girl.

I turned around and saw her, a very beautiful blonde French girl. I spoke gently, my bow and violin still in my hands.

“Thou are from France, correct?”

She laughed at my pathetic Old English, though I knew mine was really poor.

“Pardon me,” she spoke, “I actually do not know if my Old English is correct”

Missing period alert, there, buddy. I always miss the details like that too, little things just sneak on by us, but that's why we have critiques

Whisperer wrote: We laughed in unison. And, for the sake of decency, I fixed my white polo and put my bow and violin down on the gentle grass.

I think it's improper to begin a sentence with and, but, once again, I'm not entirely sure. Sometimes I do that anyway, but even if you want to break the rules (which can be awesome and fun), you should still know what the rules are. So it's probably best to ask someone other than me about your grammar!

Whisperer wrote: “I’m Haniel,” I introduced myself as I stepped forward and reached my right hand out.

She took my hand and shook it.

“Elina,” she replied.

Her hand was soft and smooth. Her voice was kind and gentle. I started liking her from that moment on.

I think you could end this more powerfully, let's not any was bad as it is.

Overall, I think this needs a lot of work in terms of flow, but you have a really interesting story that's developing. The idea is there, just not the proper application... but that's an easy fix!


good luck with revision! I'll keep my eyes on this one.

Thanks for the comments! I already revised it. I hurried the chapter when I was making it last night, anyway.

I would really like to see some more detail in setting. I feel like half the chapter is missing. More detail, especially in the first paragraph would be magnificent.

ok I like that you added on to it and added a little background info , but what I really want to see is information on that very moment of the story. what did the boy feel inside when he was crying at the gravestone? or what did the gril look like? as for right now all I see is a young boy who lost his mother and meets a new friend who I asume is going to fall in love with later on in the story. It doesn't really interest me, I'm sure you have a better plot to this story, but I think if you want to catch a readers attention then you need to start out with part of the plot or maybe in the second chapter the. the first part is a GOOD opening, but what would do is instead of writting the second chapter make this one longer and get on with the beging of the plot. you don't have to write it just give your readers a little heads up about what this story is about. I may seem to be critical right now, but I'm only trying to help improve your writting. its looking betting although not quite there yet. good luck!

Alfreto

I hurriedly edited this. Please read and review. Since you guys say that Chapter 1 is so short, I decided to add one more scene. I also added some words after conversations so that they imply Haniel's reactions and thoughts (a bit).

Hi there! I’m Zan. Haven’t seen you around before, so welcome to YWS! I noticed that your later couple of chapters looked kinda lonely, so I’m stopping by to review!

Okay, first of all; there are a lot of things I like about this piece! I love the gentle, dreamlike atmosphere of the story, and I’m interested in the characters. It’s true that I don’t fell too connected to them or know much about them, yet, but this is like, a page and a half of story. XD I don’t think a little distance from the characters will be too big a problem for a little bit, and I think that’s something that’ll develop with practice writing the story. When you go back and edit this later, you may find that you know them much better—and after some editing, we’ll find that, too. ^_^

That said, I liked what insights I did get into your characters. Elina seemed likable and sweet, and I liked Haniel’s moment at his mother’s grave, he seems like a quiet, thoughtful person, and a likeable narrator.

Just a couple grammar and usage things to check up on:

That event just made me have nostalgia,

I think “to have nostalgia” sounds a little odd usage-wise. Most people would probably say “That event just made me nostalgic,” which flows a bit more smoothly. ^_^

I continued playing ‘til the verses and then, the chorus. The chorus, my favorite part of the song, was lovely. Despite the speed of the chorus, I remained calm and stood still. I made a mistake at the middle of the second chorus and stopped playing.

The repetition of “chorus” here is just a tiny bit jarring; I think it would help to reword the sentences so you don’t have to use it so many times.

The only major grammatical error I noticed, was, unfortunately, one that kind of gets repeated all over the piece: you need to watch your tenses. ^_^ Sometimes your narrator is talking in present tense, sometimes in past, and I got all tangled up and confused in the middle of it. It looks to me like the story should be told in past tense.

(PM me if you have any questions about the past tense stuff, I can help you out. ^_^ Or any questions at all, really. ^_^;; )

Anyway! This was a very nice start to an interesting story, and I’ll be back for chapter two! See you there ^__^

I liked it I'm in kind of a hurry, so I'm sorry this isn't as thourough as it could be.

You need to work on the tenses; they go back and forth from past to present. Also, there's just one little nitpick that I had to point out:

“Until now…” I started murmuring, “I haven’t perfected playing Canon.”

The "Until now..." indicates that he did finally play it perfect, which he did not. So I would modify that.

I have to go, but keep writing!

KJ

There were a couple of errors like grammatical. You're going to have to proofread but i see potential without the errors. Just always proofread. Thanks!

GuiltybyAssociation wrote:There were a couple of errors like grammatical. You're going to have to proofread but i see potential without the errors. Just always proofread. Thanks!

Your review is so short. Where exactly do I have to edit?

Hi Whisperer,

This story dropped me with a bang within 350 words, and I want to show you why I had such a quick and strongly negative reaction to it.

Firstly and most importantly, the first paragraph:

Whisperer wrote:I was thinking nothing and I was struggling with my tears. That event just made me nostalgic, memories were coming back. It was in the middle of August. My name is Haniel Riddenwood and I was thirteen. My father had always been the manager of the stables and my late mother grew vegetables in her old garden. She was gone, and that day was her death anniversary. It had been three years. The people left the place after a couple of hours and I was left alone in the meadow. My father wept his tears and left early for work. Moreover, it was Saturday, so I can stay for awhile. I had my violin with me, the one that my mother gave me for my ninth birthday.

The first and most basic task of a writer is to make sense - to tell the reader what they actually mean. But this paragraph is incomprehensible to me.

How can memories be coming back when she's thinking nothing? What, specifically, "was in the middle of August" - are we still referring to "that event"? Is this a flashback? Why the tense change in the next sentence? What does the narrator's name and age have to do with "that event"? What day was her death anniversary? What was "that event" from way back in the paragraph, and why was it promptly dropped? It's been three years since what - the anniversary? What "people" left what "place", and when you say "after a couple of hours", that's a couple of hours after when exactly - the mother's death, the anniversary, "that event"? Why did the father leave early for work on a Saturday? Why the next random tense change? Why does the narrator have a violin with her in a meadow?

I read and reread this paragraph several times and I just can't parse what's going on here. The timeline is totally confused, the location keeps changing, people pop in and out of the narrative at random.

Simplicity and clarity is desperately needed here.

Then I got to the Old English section:

“I send belated condolences to thee,” spoke a lovely voice from behind me.

I was astonished. What was the point of speaking in Old English, when that language was already forgotten in this part of the England? And too, I was astonished, because I have already been alone in this meadow for hours. My face remained serious, though.

“Didst I surpriseth thee?” continued the girl.

I turned around and saw her, a very beautiful blonde British girl. I spoke gently, my bow and violin still in my hands.

“Thou are from…somewhere else in Britain, correct?”

She laughed at my pathetic Old English, though I knew mine was really poor.

This is the second time I was totally and utterly lost. This is Old English:

"Hwæt! wē Gār-Dena in geār-dagum,
þeod-cyninga, þrym gefrunon,
hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon."

Note the different alphabet and the complete incomprehensibility. That is Old English. The girl is speaking perfectly standard modern English, except cluttered up with some "thee"s and "thou"s and other "th"s to make it sound archaic.

On a side note, the "this part of the [sic] England" line suggests that the narrator is actually in England and/or English themselves. No English person would ever think of someone they met in their own country as a "British girl". That's just not idiomatic usage - and it's actually a dead giveaway that the writer isn't familiar with the distinction between England and Britain. (Wikipedia might help you here.)

Overall, I'm left confused as to exactly where and when we are and what's going on, and I'm feeling pretty doubtful of your ability to create a convincing English setting.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten
(who is both English and British)

To Karsten: I actually have problems with some reviewers here lol. The first paragraph is supposed to be blank and vague, leaving readers lost in a black screen, with nothing fading in for some seconds. Writers don't always get the readers to understand what they write. Readers are supposed to understand what the writer has written, and not actually complain if they cannot easily understand what they read. It's because I have experienced that. Anyways, I admit I still have to edit that "somewhere else in Britain" thing, but, as far as I know, England is still in Britain. And...ugh, this reply of mine is futile. I'm just gonna edit things I have to edit and not those things that supposed to be understood by the reader. Not understanding the first paragraph means that the reader should read on so that he/she could understand. Lastly, you're impractical. Of course Old English is to be translated into modern letters for people to understand. Read something like 'The Prince and the Pauper' or 'Antigone'. People already call it Old English and I base from how people understand it not what's the original thing.

Anyways, sorry.

Hi Whisperer,

When reviewers give you their time and effort for free in the hope of helping you improve, the appropriate response is "Thank you", regardless of whether you agree with their comments.

It is the author's job to write good, compelling, readable fiction. If a reader can't even get through your first paragraph because of tense changes, unspecified timeline shifts and general confusion, why would they read on until the second?

If you're posting something you don't intend to be either understood or critiqued, in future, a warning might be helpful.

Karsten

Karsten wrote:Hi Whisperer,

When reviewers give you their time and effort for free in the hope of helping you improve, the appropriate response is "Thank you", regardless of whether you agree with their comments.

It is the author's job to write good, compelling, readable fiction. If a reader can't even get through your first paragraph because of tense changes, unspecified timeline shifts and general confusion, why would they read on until the second?

If you're posting something you don't intend to be either understood or critiqued, in future, a warning might be helpful.

Karsten

Oh! Sorry! I forgot to thank you, and every reviewer I have! lol Trust me, I'm not pretending to be grateful XD. I think you're annoyed with me because of what I said so I apologize for sounding rude. I know that it's the author's job to write something that's understandable but it's also the reader's job to understand. Anyways, I'm not really good with introduction and this chapter was hurried so...yah, this chapter needs a lot of reviews. I don't know with the succeeding chapters though. But really, readers should read on. XD