Round Like The Moon (1)

Chapter 1: Party

I knew we should have never come here. It had bad idea written all over the place. Stoned guys and girls, people drinking whiskies, vodkas, Champagne and whatever else there was in this mansion. Why don’t they listen to me? Oh yeah right cause apparently I don’t know the definition of fun.
“There’s no way I’m going find her now.” Where the heck was Emma? That girl is a danger when she gets drunk. I better find her before she does something stupid she might later regret.
“Gabe calm down. I bet she’s fine and having fun. Meanwhile you’re doing nothing; you haven’t even had a drink”. I bet Mario was salivating for me to get drunk. Jerk.
“Emma is with your brother. How can I have a drink when my best friend is with a guy who doesn’t even know her name? Plus she’s drunk” Nobody knew Emma better than me and I know she’s going to do something stupid. And also Mario was starting to get on my nerves, what does he think that because he invited me to his party we would what hook up? Yeah right. Dream on.
I went to see if she was outside on the pool, maybe I would have luck there because the last place I wanted to check was the rooms… oh please Emma no.
Apparently luck was with me this time, Emma was there making out with Luigi like nobody else could see them. Yep I knew it she was drunk. Normal sober Emma wouldn’t exchange saliva like that. Wow! Is his tong down his throat? Well why don’t they just do it in front of everybody already. Maybe I should get her now…
“Emma where the hell have you been?” She didn’t even look up, great I was being ignored. “Emma!”
“Gabe for once in your life go have fun. Let me be happy” Emma said looking at me then continuing smooching Mario’s identical twin Luigi.
“Em your drunk we need to…” She looked at me and separated her lips from Luigi one moment.
“Gabe I know I’m drunk, that’s the whole point having fun. I’m ok trust me have fun.” She was pleading now. Maybe I should understand the girl has had a crush on the guy since kinder and I’m ruining it. Guess she’s right I should have fun… for tonight anyway.
“Have fun.” I couldn’t help but laugh when she gave me the thumbs up. So what can I do in a party?...
The party wasn’t as bad as I though, once you get pass all the marihuana of course. After a few minutes I was even dancing with a few of my friends from school. If Emma wanted me to have fun, well I was going to have fun. I really was having fun, maybe I was wrong and this really was the party of the summer.
“Guys Im parched you want anything?”
“No you go ahead.” Well fine don’t worry I know the way. It’s around here somewhere, only I don’t know where.
“Need something?” Well my night just got better because I would Know that voice anywhere even if I were deaf which I’m not. That’s Conner the hotness monster (that’s what me and Em call him) and he’s in my math and English class. Anyway I wouldn’t expect him to know my name its not like we even talk.
“Umm… yeah a drink and a map” He looked at me and gave me a smile that almost made me breathless…almost.
“I know what you mean; I got lost the first couple of times. So I can’t help you with a map, but I can guide you trough the mansion and get you that drink.” I love getting lost in this mansion.
“Yeah cool.”
He took me by the hand and led the way to were they had the drinks, and actually stayed with me talking a bit. I was rather surprised when he said my name and also confused
“You know my name?” I asked in confusion.
“Yeah why wouldn’t I? We take classes together.” I guess I was wrong he did know my name. So maybe I’m not completely invisible to him.
“Tequila?”
“I don’t…”
“Come on just one.” He said and smiled, I of course couldn’t help smiling too, and right there he knew he had won. “One”
“Hmm sure” I said not so sure Id actually drink it.
“Just one.” How could I say no to those gorgeous green eyes that were pleading at me?
“Ok. I mean a few tequilas won’t hurt.” I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen?
“I just said one. I’m not going to get you drunk.”
“I trust you.” God why did I say that? That must have sounded so lame. But I can’t help feeling trust for him when I see his eyes; There clear and so honest and beautiful.
“I’m a guy, don’t trust guys please.” I only nodded I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. “OK.” I drinked my little glass of tequila and boy did it feel hot as it passed my throat and burned my stomach. It wasn’t that bad I actually liked it.
“I want another one.” I said to Connor. He looked at me with his eyes wide.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah”

Two hours later…

“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes Connor.” I continued kissing him and at the same time undoing his shirt and pants. While he ever so gently took of my shirt and my skirt, and started kissing my legs, stomach, hands, he was everywhere and I liked it. He looked at my seriously, like he was worried. “What’s wrong?” He didn’t like me dammit! But why now why not later?
“Nothing I just want you to be sure, for real. Like what if later you don’t…”
“Shh I’m positive.” He smile and kissed me longer than I had ever been kissed. Even though my breath was pure alcohol I thought that it was the sweetest kiss ever. I liked it.

Hey there . I'm The.Dreamwalker but most people just call me dreamwalker, TDW, or DW but you can call me whatever you want, and I'm here to review your work this lovely evening ^_^.

Okay so first I go into a nit-pick section then I go into grammar and punctuation, setting and descriptions, plot, character developement, and overall! So let's get started .

Nit-Pick

Stoned guys and girls, people drinking whiskies, vodkas, Champagne and whatever else there was in this mansion.

There are a few things wrong with this sentence. 'Whiskies' and 'vodkas' would be easily changed to just the singular form as whisky and vodka for it implies the same thing and flows better. Champagne does not need to be capitalized, and there is quite the jump in contrast between whiskey and champagne. If you're going to stick to a specific area choose one or the other.

Oh yeah right cause apparently I don’t know the definition of fun.

This is missing a lot of punctuation. This should be: "Oh yeah, right, cause apparently I don't know the definition of fun."

Remember, comma's are important. They must be your bestfriend .

Where the heck was Emma? That girl is a danger when she gets drunk. I better find her before she does something stupid she might later regret.

This jumps from past tense to present tense.

Ex. "Where the heck was Emma? That girl was a danger when she gets drunk. I had to find her before she got into something stupid in which she might later regret."

That way you keep it in past tense.

“Emma is with your brother. How can I have a drink when my best friend is with a guy who doesn’t even know her name? Plus she’s drunk”

There should be a period after 'drunk'.

Nobody knew Emma better than me and I know she’s going to do something stupid.

Again there is a jump from past to present with the changes in knew to know. If you dont want it to sound repetitive, try this.

Ex. Nobody had known Emma better than I had and I knew she'd do something stupid.

And also Mario was starting to get on my nerves, what does he think that because he invited me to his party we would what hook up?

This jumps from one topic to another really quickly in this piece. A paragraph should be directed towards a specific idea but this jumped from her worrying about her friend to getting annoyed at Mario. Readers are smart so flow it well.

I went to see if she was outside on the pool, maybe I would have luck there because the last place I wanted to check was the rooms… oh please Emma no.

I'm sure you mean't 'by the pool' not on it. Also, the comma after pool should be a period and the maybe should be capitalized.

Apparently luck was with me this time, Emma was there making out with Luigi like nobody else could see them.

If you are going to pull sentences off like this you either use a semicolon or a period where the comma is behind 'time'. Otherwise this sentence is not proper structure. Also, comma behind 'apparently'.

Yep I knew it she was drunk.

Comma behind 'Yep'.

Normal sober Emma wouldn’t exchange saliva like that.

Comma behind 'Normal'.

Is his tong down his throat?

Three things wrong with this bit. You have 'his' twice so I'm guessing it's supposed to be his tongue down her throat? Also, you mispelled 'tongue'. One more thing. You ask the reader a lot of questions like this and it can become terribly repetitive. Watch out for that.

Emma where the hell have you been

Comma after 'Emma'.

“Gabe for once in your life go have fun. Let me be happy”

Comma after 'Gabe' and period after 'happy'.

Emma said looking at me then continuing smooching Mario’s identical twin Luigi.

BWAHAHAHA! Sorry for the usage of all-caps but... why? Mario and Luigi... that's a riot! You might want to think of changing that.. maybe a different italian name like... Leonardo?

Gabe I know I’m drunk, that’s the whole point having fun. I’m ok trust me have fun

Comma after 'Gabe', 'ok', and 'me'. Period after 'drunk' whereas you capitalize 'that's.

The party wasn’t as bad as I though

I'm sure 'though' should be 'thought'.

I really was having fun, maybe I was wrong and this really was the party of the summer.

Again, period or semicolon where the comma is.

“Guys Im parched you want anything?”

Period after 'parched'. Capitalize 'you'. Comma after 'guys'.
Also ' between I and m to create I'm.

“No you go ahead.” Well fine don’t worry I know the way. It’s around here somewhere, only I don’t know where.

Comma after 'No'. Comma after 'fine'. Comma after 'worry'.

Well my night just got better because I would Know that voice anywhere even if I were deaf which I’m not.

'Know' should not be capitalized there and the tense jumps from past to present.

(that’s what me and Em call him)

Ah, the dreaded brackets. There is no need in brackets in literature especially when the story is in first person.

Grammar and Punctuation

Oh dear. It seems that you have some issues with your comma placements and some other issues with your punctuation. It is really necessary in literature to get those facts straight because reading a piece riddled with errors can make readers turn away at an instant. The comma's were a definite bother to me but the small grammar errors also ended up making it worse. Fix those things up and I'm sure you'll have a sure fire way of making this story shine.

Setting and Description

This is definitly another area in which you lack. I didn't here much about the setting and from what I did it sounded terribly cliched. The only description in which I found some enjoyment in hearing was her inner thoughts and even then it was also riddled with mistakes that sent me off a little. Try to sort these issues out and this story will make readers flock to read it .

Plot

Another thing in which you struggle with. The plot is riddled with cliched ideas of what a 'high school party' would be like. The twins being named Mario and Luigi also made me not take the story so seriously which is a very bad thing. I also don't really understand the plot line in which is supposed to be shining through. That letting loose and having sex at a party is alright as long as it's with the monster of hottness? Kind of rough morals there. Try to show us a bit more in the next chapter.

Character Developement

I found your characters to be a little dry, to be completely honest. The girl was a smart girl with a regular personality. Very bland. She likes the hot guy and the hot guy likes her, apparently. Again, cliched. She's known as regular and yet the 'Mario' dude still thinks he can get with her because she's hot. Once again, cliched. Give us some depth. A change in pace maybe or a change in personalities for your characters are very bland in a sense that they are way to normal now. It's been overused.

Overall

Hopefully I didn't sound to harsh back there but I tried to get my point across as easily as possible. I hope that I did not offend you but the truth remains that this piece feels very high school drama. Add some flare and fix up your work a little. Maybe reread it a couple times to catch onto your comma issues. Basically anything to fix up this piece is a good thing. I think it has a lot of potential and I think you have a lot of potential as a writer you just have to keep practicing and honing those skills.

PM me when the next chapter is up!

~The.Dreamwalker

Hey, Cynara,

You have a very interesting story going on here. I just caught a few things that could be tweaked:

“Gabe calm down. I bet she’s fine and having fun

You should put a comma after Gabe

Plus she’s drunk” Nobody...

Put a period after drunk

Yep I knew it she was drunk.

I think you need some punctuation in here. Maybe a comma after yep and it

“Emma where the hell have you been?”

Comma after Emma

“Gabe for once in your life go have fun. Let me be happy” Emma said looking at me then continuing smooching Mario’s identical twin Luigi.

Comma after gabe and after twin

“Em your drunk we need to…” She looked at me and separated her lips from Luigi one moment.
“Gabe I know I’m drunk, that’s the whole point having fun.

Put a comma after Em and Gabe

The party wasn’t as bad as I though, once you get pass all the marihuana of course.

Though should be thought and marihuana is marijuana

Well my night just got better because I would Know that voice anywhere even if I were deaf which I’m not

Comma after well and deaf

He took me by the hand and led the way to were they had the drinks

Were should be where

This is an interesting story. PM me when the next segment is up! Hope i helped!

~ Dommy

Hey! So interesting story.

One thing I am AMAZED the other two didn't pick up - and it is a MAJOR pet-peeve of mine - is:

“Em your drunk we need to…”

It's you are, so "you're" is needed here, not your. "Your" is possessive.

“Guys Im parched you want anything?”

I'm

I would Know that voice anywhere

Capitalisation not needed.

he’s in my math and English class

But it is needed here. I'm guessing "math" should be "Math"

He looked at me and gave me a smile that almost made me breathless…almost.

The "almost" sounds awkward at the end. I'd get rid of the "..." and just put a full-stop. Also, it would make her sound more like she's telling herself it. As if decided she would not be breathless. If that's what you desire.

I love getting lost in this mansion.

That sounds a bit weird. All of sudden she just comes up with that. Maybe you could elaborate a bit.

“One”

Ah! There is no full-stop... Why is there no full-stop!

“Hmm sure”

Again! No punctuation! Although I would NOT recommend putting a full-stop in there because you have a speech tag next.

“Hmm... sure,” I said, not so sure I'd actually drink it.

“Ok. I mean a few tequilas won’t hurt.”

Whey-hey. A FEW! Jesus, this guy was offering her ONE. Ha ha.

“I just said one. I’m not going to get you drunk.”

Sure, honey.

Okay, BACK to REVIEWING!

“I’m a guy, don’t trust guys please.”

Sounds strange. Maybe put "I'm a guy" as a single sentence, and rearrange the "don't trust guys please" into "please, don't trust guys" or put in the missing comma. "Don't trust guys, please."

I drinked my little glass of tequila

Oh no!!! No, no, no! Please, "drinked" is not a word. I know, it's one of those confusing "you have to change the whole word" ones. Please use "drank" !

It wasn’t that bad I actually liked it.

Okay, confusing! You need punctuation! Separate the two into different sentences. It will make a lot more sense.

I continued kissing him and at the same time undoing his shirt and pants.

Should be: I continued kissing him and, at the same time, I undid his shirt and pants. Not sure about my suggestion though. Are you past tense?

took of my shirt

"off" instead of "of"

my shirt and my skirt

Unnecessary repetition of "my"
Take out the second one.

and started kissing my legs, stomach, hands, he was everywhere and I liked it.

A run-on. After hands, end the sentence and create a new one with the next bit.

He looked at my seriously

Ha ha! I do this ALL the time! I'm guessing you meant "me" instead of "my"

But why now why not later?

Maybe separate these into two questions. But why now? Why not later?

Nothing I just want you to be sure, for real. Like what if later you don’t…”

Should be: "Nothing. I just want you to be sure, for real" don't know about the "for real" Maybe "I want this to be real"
"Like, what if later you don't..."

“Shh I’m positive.” He smile

Okay, I'm thinking: "Smiled" instead of "smile" ?
And, either "shh.." or "shh!"


Whoa. I only intended to pick out my nit-pick ^^'
Aside from the lack of punctuation, I thought it was pretty good.
You get across the MC's thoughts and feelings pretty well. And I like how you're not reliant on speech-tags. And I like how you chose a great name, but that's more my personal opinion.
Question: is this another teen-pregnancy story?
If you wouldn't mind, could you PM me when you post the next part? I'll try not to be so ruthless with that one.


~EmmaJane~

Hey! You're new! ^^' I totally missed that! Welcome to YWS!!!

Thanks to all of you for posting your messages and helping me. I know I made a lot of mistakes, thanks for all the opinions and suggestions... I'll be thinking about them.

Bet you can't guess who I am? Chapter was cool, I'm going to get started on the next one.

Hey, I think the chapter was really cool and original. All you have to work on is on your grammatical errors, especially with your commas. To help the reader feel like he/she is in the story, you should be a little more descriptive with the setting. Even though I know it was in a mansion, I couldn't really imagine the place. Other than that, the story is really good. I can't wait to read the next two chapters. Oh, before I forget, the names Mario and Luigi were really funny. I guess I have the same problem of MySocksAreYellow. I keep imagining Luigi from Nintendo. Ha Ha. Anyway, I give the chapter two thumbs up!

Hi Cynara ^^ I'm Shina, and I will be your reviewer this evening

I knew we should have never come here. It had bad idea written all over the place. Stoned guys and girls, people drinking whiskies, vodkas, Champagne and whatever else there was in this mansion.

Your first sentence is a decent hook, but it could be better. Try to find something unique that still attracts attention.
Italicize or put quotes around "bad idea".
I agree with the others, change the plural forms of the drinks to singular because it flows better and champagne is not capitalized. The third sentence isn't a complete thought or sentence, either. Try "flooded the mansion" because your just describing what's in it without a complete thought.

Why don’t they listen to me? Oh yeah(,) right(.) (Be)cause apparently I don’t know the definition of (")fun(").

Use the correct spelling and you needed commas.

I went to see if she was outside on the pool, maybe I would have luck there because the last place I wanted to check was the rooms… oh please Emma no.

Out "Oh please, Emma, no." In italics so it's a thought rather than narration.

[s]Apparently[/s] (L)uck was with me this time, Emma was there making out with Luigi like nobody else could see them. Yep(,) I knew it she was drunk. Normal sober Emma wouldn’t exchange saliva like that. Wow! Is his tong down his throat? Well why don’t they just do it in front of everybody already. Maybe I should get her now…

You don't need to put "apparently" because you say that Emma is with Luigi. Change "Wow! Is his tongue down his throat?" into italics and you spelled tongue wrong. Remove the triple dots at the end, you don't have to use it every time before dialogue.
----------


I'm going to stop there because the problems seem to repeat. The MC's thoughts and her narration needs to be separated. You can only use exclamation points in dialogue and quotes. When the character says something that's informal, make her think it rather than narrate it.

Plot: What's the story anyway? High school party recap? There's no real hook. It sounds like a teenager's blogs and the average drunk girl's problems. Nothing exciting, no twist.

Description: Decent, but you could paint the picture better.

Conventions: You need to work on your punctuation and how to separate narration from thoughts.

Setting: Still fuzzy for me, but you can work on it. Make sure to show and not tell so much.

Character Development: All I know is that they're all drunk and the MC is sarcastic. There's no reliable character around here.

Overall: You need to find a hook, and then I'll go from there ^^

-Shina

I really enjoyed this.
the story i believe is about a girl doing something she will later very much regret, but also about her losing her innocence.
the story has been told before but you tell it in a original way.
but there is with all works, room for improvement.
The setting is very little- is it some kids parents house while they are away, a park?
there are many spelling and punctuation errors.
In my opinion I think the line there clear and so honest and pure should be changed to his eyes are so clear, honest and pure
Although these flaws, you are very talented. I look forward to seeing your other chapters.
keep writing.

Vera

I really loved reading this! this is a great thing to write about. That poor girl regretted something she did along with losing something else! I am so sorry for that girl and a little angry at the guy but all to be understood. The writing piece was amazing and I enjoyed the irony of it!