No name yet (prolouge) serious editing

All right, if you read this before you will remember what happened after. But since I like to keep my prolouges short sweet and to the point, I revised and edited. Kind of.


I remember that night. The night he loved me. The night our bodies became one. Man and woman as equals. His steamy body pressed tight against mine. We felt inseparable. I felt invincible. Then, I remember what happened next. He shoved me down and glared at me. Had I done something wrong? I eventually find out. Not the way I wanted to though.

“Annie by having sex with you I have given myself only two options and you only one.”

There should be a comma after Annie

I am only 19. I have no way of providing for a child! My worries screamed and thrashed about in my head.

Maybe along with this you can describe her facial expressions and immediate reaction. I feel like its alot of telling and not enough showing.

“Calm you thoughts, child!”

Calm your thoughts, child!

I pulled on the thong on over my silky, tan leg

silky, tan legs

“Put this on.” He threw me a black, revealing night “dress.”

I feel ended ended kind of awkward, but as I re-read it a couple times it seems ok, maybe its just me. I dont know.

Over all I thought you did a good job on emotion and reaction, but it was alot of telling instead of showing. describe the scene like you're in it. Liek this is you. make your main character seem more realistic and personal to the readers.

Other than those few errors this was fantastic and I would greatly appreciate it if you would pm me when you have some more of this up!

-Tiffany