In My Head chap 3

um, I just read a book that was told in present tense, so lately I've been catching myself using this in my story. I just read over this chapter and I think I got everything straightened out, but I might have missed something, so if anyone catches it, please let me know oh yea, and the V on my keyboard hasn't been working, so if a word looks really weird or something, it's not because I can't spell lol and um the italics aren't working and stuff, so I put these lil things: < and >. so if you come across these, they're meant to be italics

ok here it is:

"Wait! Zane!" I cried in panic. How dare he just come and go like that without so much as a warning? It wasn't fair. I felt anger bubbling up inside of me, coupled with embarrassment. Was this his way of rejecting me?

"What? I'm right here," came his reply.

"Oh," I exhaled in relief. [/i]Oh stop it. He can't reject you anyways. He's a ghost, a nothing. You and he have no possibilities. [/i]

"So is that my name, Zane?" he asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"Yeah. I didn't know for sure at first, but now that I've seen you, I-"

"Wait. You can see me?" His voice rose and octave higher and I laughed. "I could, not anymore. Didn't you do that on purpose?"

"No... but that's so cool! Geez, finally! Oh crap, I don't know how I did it either. This sucks!" he said, letting out a sigh. "And why am I at your house? Shouldn't I be at mine? And why can't anyone but you see me?" he continued. I shrugged. "Did we used to know each other?"

"No, we never met.," I replied sadly.

"Aw, man. I was hoping you could tell me about myself," he said equally sad. But not for the same reason, unfortunately.

I chose my words carefully. "Well, what would you like to know?"

He began drilling me about his parents, home life, if he had any pets, what was school like? I answered as best I could. "Do my parents miss me?" he asked quietly.

"Of course they do. Horribly," I added. My comforter was then released from the pressure of his weight (or whatever it was, since he was a ghost) and rose slowly to its previous height. Now I had no idea where Zane was, since nothing in my room was being touched; everything was eerily still and quiet. I scooted backwards until my back was leaning against the wall behind me and my legs stuck straight off the side of my bed.

I heard his suddenly smiling voice from the center of my room. "Tell me more about me."

"You hae to tell me what you want to know first."

"Did I have any friends?"

"Oh yeah. You were pretty popular," I assured him.

"You're just saying that," he argued.

"No, I swear I'm not. Why do you think we never met? Popular people don't talk to people like me." Except to say "you're welcome" when they pick up your pencil. He was quiet for a few minutes before saying, "What do you mean, people like you?"

I shrugged. "You know, weird people. Dorks. Whichever." I was actually okay with fitting in that category. Those kind of things had never bothered me... well, most of the time. Right now, surprisingly, was one of those times. My obsessiveness with a popular guy was what bothered me. My crush on Zane was based entirely on looks. I had never even thought much about his personality. When had I become so shallow?
But that was all it was- a crush.

"You are not a dork. I don't see any weirdness either." he said.

I raised and eyebrow. "Everyone at school sees it. They're all either goth and emo, or jock and cheerleader. I am none of those, and you say I'm normal?" I glanced down at my grassy green skirt spread out around me that I had put with a plain white tank top, bright orange scarf, and suede cowboy boots. I loved my style because no one else had it; originality was everything to me. I didn't care how many weird looks I got at school. What I didn't love, however, was my boring brown hair that was impossible to tame, my dull hazel eyes, and my pale, colorless skin. And if you looked closely enough, you might be able to see that I had just a hint of a pug nose, which I loathed.

"Well, yeah. I guess I am. Hey, was I a jock or emo?" he asked. Grateful for a change of subject, I pondered his question of a moment. When I had first seen him sitting on my bed, he had been wearing baggy shorts cut just above the knee, frayed like they had been cut from pants, a bob Marley tee shirt, soccer socks, and berkinstalks. "Now that I think about it, you weren't really either."

"I guess that means I'm weird too, huh?" he teased.

"No it's different for you. I don't know how to explain it- it just is. Popularity thing, I guess."

"If that's the case, then why aren't you popular?"

"Hmph, my sister says it's because I'm so antisocial. But the truth is, I just don't <want> to popular," I admitted, then changing the subject,"Okay, do you want to hear more about yourself or not?"

"I guess," he relented. I finished describing our school, and told him about his next soccer game being held in his honor. He fell silent at this, and I continued on about the day the whole school wore Manchester United caps in tribute to him and his favorite soccer team. I told him about the winning soccer ball being dedicated to him. I told him how much everyone missed him, while watching his face glow with contentment.
<Wait a minute, watching his face?> I blinked, shook my head, and looked again. There he was, sprawled atop bed pillows heaped on the floor in the corner of my room. Arms behind his head, fingers intertwined. legs crossed, he appeared...happy.

He began to notice my wide eyes watching him in disbelief and propped himself up on his elbows. "What are you staring at?"

"Y-you," I stammered. "I can see you again!" I exclaimed, coming out of my trance. <Good job, V.>, something inside me growled sarcastically. <Don't stare.> I reminded myself guiltily.

"No way!" he said, a grin creeping into the corners of his mouth, his face lighting up. His perfect face... <Don't stare!> I snapped my eyes to the wall behind him.

"Uh, yeah, I can," I replied coolly.

"Now what are you looking at?" he asked, twisting around to catch a glimpse of the object of my attention. I realized my mistake and quickly reset my gaze to his own. "Oh, nothing."
<God, I could kick myself,> I thought sourly. First I get caught staring, now he probably thought I had been lying about seeing him the whole time, looking straight through to the wall. But then again, maybe I was overreacting. I had a tendency to do that whenever I had become nervous or embarrassed.

I took a deep breath and realized he had turned back around. His gaze rested on my own. His warm brown to my dull green. I felt myself falling...

Hello again! Sorry it took me a while to get to this, revising for exams I’m so glad you posted more though

You and he have no possibilities. [/i]

I think you could phrase this a bit better to show what possibilities you mean. Maybe something like ‘You and he have no chance of being together’ or ‘There is no possibility of you and him.’

His voice rose and octave higher and I laughed. "I could, not anymore. Didn't you do that on purpose?"

I think ‘and’ should be ‘an’ here And the speech as you have changed speaker should be on a new line

"No... but that's so cool! Geez, finally! Oh crap, I don't know how I did it either. This sucks!" he said, letting out a sigh.

He really quickly changes here from being enthusiastic to being upset, I’d maybe add something inbetween to break it up a bit. Maybe after ‘finally!’ You could have him pausing for a moment and then move on to him feeling bad or something like that?

he said equally sad.

As you can only hear his tone I’d more refer to that now as that is how she knows what he is feeling, so maybe ‘in an equally sad voice’ or even commenting on how he is speaking like ‘in an equally despondent tone’.

He began drilling me about his parents, home life, if he had any pets, what was school like? I answered as best I could. "Do my parents miss me?" he asked quietly.

‘what was school like?’ doesn’t really fit in with how you have phrased the previous questions it might work better to say something like ‘what school was like etc..’ I’d also maybe add something before he asks about his parents as you jump from listing what he is asking to him actually asking it. Maybe something about him changing his tone or pausing for a moment to absorb the information?

I scooted backwards until my back was leaning against the wall

I’m not sure about saying ‘backwards’ and ‘back’ so close to one another but that could just be me Maybe replacing one, for instance ‘my back’ could just be ’I’.

I heard his suddenly smiling voice

I can see what you mean but I’d maybe change ‘smiling’ as your voice can’t really smile, maybe something that comments on the tone would be better, for instance ‘cheerful’ or ‘upbeat’ or anything like that

"You hae to tell me what you want to know first."

‘hae’ should be ‘have’ here (I know you said about the v on your keyboard but thought I’d point it out )

when they pick up your pencil. He was quiet for a few minutes before saying, "What do you mean, people like you?"

You need speech marks after ‘pencil’ and when He talks it should be on a new line.

Those kind of things had never bothered me... well, most of the time. Right now, surprisingly, was one of those times.

This was a bit of a confusing couple of sentences, I think you could simplify it a bit For example ‘Those things never bothered me most of the time, and it didn’t particularly now.’

I raised and eyebrow

‘and’ should be ‘an’ here.

I glanced down at my grassy green skirt spread out around me that I had put with a plain white tank top,

I think ‘grassy’ might sound better as just ‘grass’ and I think ‘put’ could be changed to something better, maybe ‘paired’?

When I had first seen him sitting on my bed,

She ahs only seen him once on her bed but this sounded like she had seen him more than once, maybe leave out ‘first’.

"Now that I think about it, you weren't really either."

This should be on a new line as you have changed speaker

"I guess," he relented.

I’m not sure about relented here as before he was so keen to hear about himself, I’d more expect an enthusiastic response, perhaps like ‘Yeah, please.’ and commenting on the tone of his voice becoming lighter.

and told him about his next soccer game being held in his honor.

Is this the soccer game after he is dead? If so I’d maybe say ‘the’ next soccer game or ‘the soccer game after his death’ or something like that.

sprawled atop bed pillows heaped on the floor in the corner of my room. Arms behind his head, fingers intertwined. legs crossed, he appeared...happy.

I’d maybe add ‘my’ before ‘bed pillows’ and change the full stop after ‘intertwined’ to a comma as you are carrying on with the description

<Good job, V.>, something inside me growled sarcastically. <Don't stare.> I reminded myself guiltily.

I’m not sure about having these two thoughts together, I’d maybe just stick with the second one as I don’t really know why she is saying ‘good job’ sarcastically. If you wanted to add more then maybe a bit added on how she is feeling would work well here too.

First I get caught staring, now he probably thought I had been lying about seeing him the whole time, looking straight through to the wall.

Here you switch to first person, although it might work well if you put it into italics as her thoughts. If you do this though then I think ‘thought’ should be ‘thinks’

I had a tendency to do that whenever I had become nervous or embarrassed.

I think ‘I had become’ might be better as ‘I became’.

His gaze rested on my own. His warm brown to my dull green.

You have already said that she had reset her gaze to his so I thought they were looking at one another, I’d either change it previously so instead she was just looking at him and not necessarily that he was looking at her or change it here to say something about his gaze still being locked on her own. You change her eye colour here too as before you said she had ‘dull hazel eyes’ so I’d fix that

Overall: Oooh it was great to be able to read more on this again I really love the storyline!

There were a couple of times where you needed to put the speech on a new line when you switched speakers and I spotted you switching tenses at points too but they were only minor mistakes and in general good work! I think it was a good idea to have him asking her questions about his life, the only things I think could be improved on surrounding that would be a bit more description with how she is feeling. The idea of having the ghost of her crush in her room I think would still be freaking her out a bit more than you show here, maybe a couple of times you could just make a note of how she feels surrounding all of this? You could always add in some more of her thoughts every now and then to show this clearly. I also found the part where she said she could be popular if she wanted a bit odd, I don’t know if it was just me but it seemed a bit of a strange thing to say and I felt didn’t fit in with the character you have shown of her so far.

I liked how they were talking to one another, but perhaps a bit more on how he sounded (as that is all she has to go on) would be good. Because it is all she can hear, by describing his tone it might be a good way of showing how he is feeling

Other than that, great piece! I think the story is developing well and I look forward to reading more! The ending was nicely done too As always all my comments are just suggestions, hope I’ve helped