Forever Chapter 1

[b] Chapter 1
There was no sign of the sun. The sun I longed for.
Only clouds filled the sky.
The temperature dropping rapidly. It was just how I expected Cold Bay, Alaska. That just had to be the place my dad lived, Eric Stewart.
Why did my mom have to get sick? Why her? What will school be like? These stupid questions filled my head as I drove from the Alaskan Airport. The heat from the vents filled my body.
Still thinking about my mom, Karen. She got sick one month ago, and died.
It happened so sudden. Forcing me to move from Sunny-ville, California to Cold Bay, Alaska. Not my first choice but I'd get to see my dad which didn't happen a lot considering my parents were divorced.
I knew my dad was excited to see me.
I look like him anyway, well except me happening to be a girl and have long hair I might add. We both have brown hair, piercing blue eyes, I bet if they were any brighter I'd blind you, I'm tall 5'8, I'm 16, a sophomore in high school. I had just entered Cold Bay, huge mountains everywhere, a big lake in front of them.
Surprisingly it was beautiful.
I passed an Ice rink, little souvenir shops, a supermarket and the harbor. It was a big town, not like New York City but big.
I pulled my car into the driveway, eyeing the white two story house in front of me. I slowly stopped and put the ignition in park. I just sat there for a brief moment before getting out.I needed to spare the moment me knowing that thing were going to be completely different. I pulled my jacket closer to me then stepped out of my truck. The coldness quickly latched to my face. Dad came running out. "Bells!" He yelled I tried to put on a convincing smile. He hugged me tightly. "I'm so glad your here."He said finally letting go.
"Me too, dad" I said shivering a little.
"What do ya say I take your bags and we get some hot chocolate?" He asked rubbing his hands together. I nodded. He clapped his hands together once, heading to the trunk of my car.
I went ahead inside. The inside surprised me. Me not being here in 15 years shocked me. The kitchen was painted a bright red, a round wooden table in the middle four chairs around it.
The living room to the left. It was painted white, a fresh coat applied, with a long black leather couch, deers and bears mounted on the walls around me. A plasma screen TV hung on the wall and a glass table in front of the couch. Dad quickly came behind me lugging my suitcases. "follow me" He said cheerfully.
We walked up the carpeted staircase into the only bedroom up there. He stopped opening a big wooden door.
The room was a pleasant light blue, just happening being my favorite color, queen size bed with a brown comforter, an antique dresser with a mirror attached.
A huge window looking out onto the icy bay. the closet next to the bathroom.
"So what do you think?" He asked placing my suitcases down. "This is good dad" I said looking out the window. "Do you want that hot chocolate now?" He asked smiling. I really wasn't in the mood I wanted to be alone, but I couldn't say no. "Ya sure" I said. We walked back down the staircase into the kitchen, I sat down at the table placing my hands in my lap.
Dad was already over at the microwave. He poured two packets of cocoa mix into two mugs and poured hot water on top, placing them in the microwave setting them on high three minutes.
Then he sat down in front of me. "So how do you like it here?" He asked suddenly.
"Well...It's cold" I admitted. He nodded, his eyes closed. The microwave dinged, dad got up taking the two mugs out placing mine in front of me, he still holding his. "You'll get used to it" He said indicating himself wearing a short sleeved polo. I looked down at my hot chocolate, stirring it. Bubbles popped. "About school" He began. Ugh, school don't remind me I thought to my self. My life is already bad enough being in this cold death land.



Alright this is my first chapter. Please comment, and reply. Thanks. I need to know what you think! thanks so much!

Hello! Welcome! Just to tell you, as a rule we like it when you review at least two pieces before you post your own. That way we don't just have people posting their own stuff and not reviewing.

Anyway, on to your story! As I first started to read it I like it, but I had my suspicion growing quickly, then, whamo, I read Bella. Fearing the worse I race to your portfolio and yes, right there as one of your favorite authors is Stephine Meyer herself. I continued to read your story in hopes that all the characters shared was their name. Unfortuantly the similarities didn't stop there. They are both bad liars, live with their dad that they happen to look like, don't want to go to a new school, and even have the same long brown hair! I am afraid that the next chapter I will read shall include a impossibly handsome teenage boy! I know it might be fun to go down the same pathway as Mrs.Myers (trust me, I know) but we must all strive to be original and right now all I see is a cliche of Twilight. Sorry to be so harsh...but I hope you fix it. Good luck and happy writing.

hey This was sooo good it may have resembled Twilight a bit, but not as much as some might think (ok, i should tell you that i don't just go for the major things, sometimes i can find the tinniest of things.)

ok,

There was no sun just clouds.

this sounds a little like a run-on sentence. maybe try writing it like "The sun was nowhere in sight. Only the clouds filled the sky." something like that.

That just had to be the place my dad lived, Eric Stewart.

this sounds a little funny. try this: "That just had to be the place my dad, Eric Stewart, lived."

It happened so sudden.

maybe make "sudden" "suddenly".

Sunny ville

this should be "Sunnyville"

Not my first choice but I'd get to see my dad which didn't happen a lot considering my parents were divorced.

but a comma after "Not my first choice"

We both have brown hair, piercing blue eyes, I bet if they were any brighter I'd blind you, I'm tall 5'8, I've got a bad temper at times and tend to cry a lot.

ok, at the beggining of this sentence you are talking about how you and your dad look alike, but then you go onto telling us what you are like. so make sure that you finish telling us about you and your dads similarities, then move onto your own in another sentence.

I had just entered Cold Bay, huge mountains everywhere, a big lake in front of them.

this sentence has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of your paragraph. maybe put this sentence down with the one after it.

It wasn't a big town. Actually very small.

that is tellin us the same thing in different wording. i suggest using one or the other.

He yelled I tries to put on a convincing smile.

this didn't even make sense. i think what you might have been trying to say was "He yelled as I tried to put on a convincing smile." if not, then that's how it should look.

"Me too, dad: I've always been a terrible lier.

ok, there are two things wrong with this sentence. first,

"Me too, dad:

should be "Me too, dad" second, it should be spelled "liar".

He clapped his hands together once, heading to the trunk of my truck.

trucks don't have trunks. you either have the cab of the truck, or the bed of the truck.

the kitchen was painted a bright red, a round wooden table in the middle four chairs around it.

the "t" at the beggining of the sentence should be capatalized. also, this sentence doesn't really make much sense. maybe..."The kitchen was painted bright red, and there was a round wooden table with four chairs circling the edge of it." this way you are making sense (hopefully) and also showing us.

The living room to the left. It was painted white, a fresh coat applied, with a long black leather couch, deers and bears mounted on the walls around me.

how about combining these two sentences?

"follow me: He said cheerfully.

'"Follow me" He said cheerfully'

He stopped opening a big wooden door.

i think a comma should go after stopped.

just happening being my favorite color

i think you should make this "just happening to be my favorite color"

The room was a pleasant light blue, just happening being my favorite color, queen size bed with a brown comforter, an antique dresser with a mirror attached. A huge window looking out onto the icy bay.

you are more listing what is inside the room. try explaining it more.

I really wasn't in the mood i wanted to be alone, but I couldn't say no.

try putting a comma after "mood"

"so how do you like it here? :

i see a pattern here. sometimes you miss " and get :. make sure you read over your story before you post so that you don't miss those little mistakes.

Ugh, school don't remind me I thought to my self.

a comma should go after "school"


this story is good i pretty much just found sentence fixer-upers. just make sure that before you post you read through what you wrote.

hope this helps if you have any questions about my review or just want to chat please pm me

happy writing

-sport

I just wanted to say first off that the first paragraph is a bit long. Split it up because you are talking about a few different things. Also, Sunny Ville, Cali and Cold Bay, Alaska made me laugh. It's so ironic.
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Not my first choice but I'd get to see my dad which didn't happen a lot considering my parents were divorced.

This is a run on sentence. Split it up into two sentences and add some commas.
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I look like him anyway, well except me happening to be a girl and have long hair I might add.

This is kind of choppy. I know you are introducing your MC as a girl and all, but this sentence kind of makes her sound dumb. try something like You can definitely tell the resemblance between us. We have the same brown hair and piercing blue eyes. Feel free to ignore anything I say.
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I just sat there for a brief moment before getting out.

What was going through her head? Show some of her emotions.
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"Bells!" He yelled I tries to put on a convincing smile.

I think you mean He yelled. I tried to put on a convincing smile.
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"Me too, dad: I've always been a terrible lier.

Simple mix up. Quote instead of the colon.
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"follow me: He said cheerfully.

Again with the quote. Also, her dad's house seems like a bachelor pad to me. She should make a mental note of that, yeah?
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He stopped opening a big wooden door.

Comma after stopped.
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the closet next to the bathroom.

Again, this is kind of choppy, and you forgot to capitalize The..haha. silly mistake i do it all the time. You could try something like To my left (or right, it doesn't matter)I noticed a small closet next to the bathroom. Again, ignore me if you like it the way it is.
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"This is good dad" I said looking out the window. "do you want that hot chocolate now?" He asked smiling

There are a few mistakes here that I use to make all the time until some one pointed them out to me. And someone always has to, right? First off after dad should be a comma. 'Do' should be capitalized and after asked put another comma. Commas are a small little curvy dot, they are our friends. Ha!
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He asked placing my suitcases down. . I really wasn't in the mood i wanted to be alone, but I couldn't say no. "Ya sure" I said.

A few things here, one-comma after asked. two-why do you have two periods after down? three- capitalize I four- comma after sure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"so how do you like it here? : He asked suddenly.

Okay, I will get you to use the shift button if it's the last thing I do!!! Also, you have another colon instead of a quote thingy...Maybe you have an issue with your pinkies...I dunno.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ugh, school don't remind me I thought to my self.

W00t w00t!!! Some emotion from this girl! Use stuff like this to describe how she likes her room and the house...stuff like that. Also use the italics when someone thinks. It makes it look prettier. Haha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I was harsh, sorry. Feel free to ignore me.
Also, you need to work on grammar...I know it sucks, but its what keeps the book together. People who nit-pick like me pick at things like that until its bone dry. If that makes any sense.
Use some more descriptive words. Thesauruses don't bite. Show me, not tell me!!!!
You've got a good start here. Keep it up.
Pm me when you get the next chapter up.

OOOh, be careful. I know this has been said but I am just a littler nervous, a girl who is a sophmore in highschool goes to live with her father, she is a horrible liar and when her dad rushes out he calls her the name I had been expecting. "bells" There are so many twilight-like books Im just praying this doesnt have vampires in it. Though I adore a good vampire story, with vampires in this one I would have to stop reading, much to simmilar. You writing style isnt that bad, it is actually quite nice just those simmilaritys. .

There was no sun just clouds. The temperature dropping rapidly. It was just how I expected Cold Bay, Alaska. That just had to be the place my dad lived, Eric Stewart. Why did my mom have to get sick? Why her? What will school be like? These stupid questions filled my head as I drove from the Alaskan Airport. The heat from the vents filled my body. Still thinking about my mom, Karen. She got sick one month ago, and died. It happened so sudden. Forcing me to move from Sunny ville, California to Cold Bay, Alaska. Not my first choice but I'd get to see my dad which didn't happen a lot considering my parents were divorced.

Okay break this paragraph up. Have her show some emotion about the affair, have her cry while she thinks of her mother. What sickness did she have, put in some detail about it. You probably don't need to include her mother's and fathers name in it, if the MC calls them mom and dad. I love the irony by the way.

I knew my dad was excited to see me. I look like him anyway, well except me happening to be a girl and have long hair I might add. We both have brown hair, piercing blue eyes, I bet if they were any brighter I'd blind you, I'm tall 5'8, I've got a bad temper at times and tend to cry a lot. I'm 16, a sophomore in high school. I had just entered Cold Bay, huge mountains everywhere, a big lake in front of them.

Okay this is a major info dump. You do alot of telling and not enough showing. For example don't tell us she has brown hair, say something like somewhere in the stroy (it doesn't have to be here.) her brown hair shown in the bright sunlight. Don't tell us she cried easily, have her cry about something, like remembering her mom. You get the idea.

I passed an Ice rink, little souvenir shops, a supermarket and the harbor. It wasn't a big town. Actually very small. I pulled my truck into the driveway, eyeing the white two story house in front of me. I slowly stopped and put the ignition in park. I just sat there for a brief moment before getting out. I pulled my jacket closer to me then stepped out of my truck. The coldness quickly latched to my face. Dad came running out. "Bells!" He yelled I tries to put on a convincing smile. He hugged me tightly. "I'm so glad your here."He said finally letting go.

Oh.No.Change.The.Name. Change the car, change the fact that she is a terrible liar. Change the fact that this is a small town. You don't have to change all of these, just most of these.

"What do ya say I take your bags and we get some hot chocolate?" He asked rubbing his hands together. I nodded. He clapped his hands together once, heading to the trunk of my truck. I went ahead inside. The inside surprised me. Me not being here in 15 years shocked me. The kitchen was painted a bright red, a round wooden table in the middle four chairs around it.

Okay she is sixteen correct? How would it shock her if she hadn't been there for 15 years, she wouldn't remember!!! You also had a few grammar mistakes here, fix them. the ones in bold, I fixed those mistakes.

The living room was to the left. It was painted white, a fresh coat applied, with a long black leather couch, deers and bears mounted on the walls around me. A plasma screen tv hung on the wall and a glass table in front of the couch. Dad quickly came behind me lugging my suitcases. "Follow me,[b]"[/b] He said cheerfully.

You have some grammar mistakes here, along with some punctuation mistakes. Yeah, I went ahead and fixed them they're in bold.

"So what do you think?" He asked placing my suitcases down. "This is good dad," I said looking out the window. "Do you want that hot chocolate now?" He asked smiling. I really wasn't in the mood I wanted to be alone, but I couldn't say no. "Ya sure" I said. We walked back down the staircase into the kitchen, I sat down at the table placing my hands in my lap.

You're punctuation, correct it. Capitilize.

Dad was already over at the microwave. He poured two packets of cocoa mix into two mugs and poured hot water on top, placing them in the microwave setting them on high three minutes.
Then he sat down in front of me. "So how do you like it here?" He asked suddenly.

Some more mistakes, they are in bold, I fixed them for you.

"Well...It's cold" I admitted. He nodded, his eyes closed. The microwave dinged, dad got up taking the two mugs out placing mine in front of me, he still holding his. "You'll get used to it," He said indicating himself wearing a short sleeved polo. I looked down at my hot chocolate, stirring it. Bubbles popped. "About school" He began. Ugh, school don't remind me I thought to my self. My life is already bad enough being in this cold death land.

Okay, there are alot of similarities between this and twilight. Change them, you need to make it your own. It's okay the comparisons are minor, this story has potiential. Good luck writing.

HELLO! I'm here, finally. So sorry about the delay....Okay, it seems a lot shorter huh. And I see you took out the parts about Sunny and Cold...yeah anywho on I go
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There was no sign of of the sun. The sun I longed for.

OOP. You repeated 'of' tehe, simple mistake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The temperature dropping rapidly. It was just how I expected Cold Bay, Alaska. That just had to be the place my dad lived, Eric Stewart.

Few things here, if you read the first sentence out loud, it sounds like it's missing something. Throw a was in there. Also, I think you did this before but I didn't say anything but That just had to be the play where my dad, Eric Steward, lived. Makes more sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did my mom have to get sick? Why her? What will school be like? These stupid questions filled my head as I drove from the Alaskan Airport. The heat from the vents filled my body.

This is good, it shows her emotions and what not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It happened so sudden. Forcing me to move from Sunny-ville, California to Cold Bay, Alaska

I think this has to be my favorite....It's soooo ironicly funny...yay!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I look like him anyway,

You were past tense before...use looked instead of look.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well except me happening to be a girl and have long hair I might add. We both have brown hair, piercing blue eyes, I bet if they were any brighter I'd blind you, I'm tall 5'8, I'm 16, a sophomore in high school. I had just entered Cold Bay, huge mountains everywhere, a big lake in front of them.
Surprisingly it was beautiful.

This paragraph is still a little choppy. I think I may have mentioned that before and gave you an example i think it was something like You can definitely tell the resemblance between us. We have the same brown hair and piercing blue eyes. I wouldn't ignore this...haha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I slowly stopped and put the ignition in park.

Okay, first off. It's I put the shifter into park...the ignition is what you put the key into...you know 'start the ignition' yeah.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me not being here in 15 years shocked me.

Do you really talk like this? It doesn't sound right. Something like Since I hadn't been here in fifteen years, I was a little shocked at what I saw makes more sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We walked up the carpeted staircase into the only bedroom up there.

Does she have the floor to herself? If so, tell us. Don't make the reader guess about things like this, its a turn off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He stopped opening a big wooden door.

Comma after stopped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ust happening being my favorite color,

Just happening to be my favorite color.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

an antique dresser with a mirror attached.

It took me a while to realize that theres a name for that mirror. I didn't figure it out until i got one. It's called a vanity mirror. haha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ya sure" I said.

Comma after sure
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This is good dad"

Comma before dad if your addressing him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He poured two packets of cocoa mix into two mugs and poured hot water on top, placing them in the microwave setting them on high three minutes

You said poured twice....go for emptied two packets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bells seems like your average teenager with a bad attitude. Wait, somwhere in here i messed up and put Ella. Sorry. Wrong story. Her dad is a little hyper active, I know my dad doesnt really jump for joy and hasnt since he was in his thirties. haha Okay. it's starting. Still some small mistakes and some sentence structures that need some work. Other than that...good job.

Hi Dreamer. Here to review; I'm going in no order, really, so I may not get to chapter 2 til tomorrow.

Basically, my main problem with this chapter was grammar.

There was no sign of of the sun. The sun I longed for.

You repeated Of twice.

These stupid questions filled my head as I drove from the Alaskan Airport.

They aren't really stupid questions; I'd probably be asking the same ones in her sitchuation.

She got sick one month ago, and died.

This seems kind of abrupt.

It happened so sudden.

suddenly.

We both have brown hair, piercing blue eyes, I bet if they were any brighter I'd blind you, I'm tall 5'8, I'm 16, a sophomore in high school.

There's no real reason to describe her physical apperance; readers want to imagine what she looks like themselves.

Surprisingly it was beautiful.

Comma after Suddenly.

passed an Ice rink, little souvenir shops, a supermarket and the harbor.

I passed an ice rink, little souvenir shops, a supermarket, and the harbor.

It was a big town, not like New York City, but big.

Dad came running out.

Start a new paragraph with this line because her Dad is about to talk.

He said finally letting go.

He said, finally letting go.

"Me too, dad"

Period after Dad.

I said shivering a little.

I said, shivering a little.

He asked rubbing his hands together.

He said, rubbing his hands together.

Me not being here in 15 years shocked me.

Fifteen should be spelled out because the rule is that you spell out any number under 100.

The kitchen was painted a bright red, a round wooden table in the middle four chairs around it.
The living room to the left. It was painted white, a fresh coat applied, with a long black leather couch, deers and bears mounted on the walls around me. A plasma screen tv hung on the wall and a glass table in front of the couch.

To the reader, none of this really matters.

"follow me"

"Follow me."

He stopped opening a big wooden door.

He stopped, opening a big wooden door.

The room was a pleasant light blue, just happening being my favorite color, queen size bed

with a queen sized bed.

the closet next to the bathroom.

The

"So what do you think?"

So,

This is good dad"

Period at the end.

He asked,smiling.

I wasn't really in the mood

Period at the end.

Ya sure

Yeah, sure.

placing them in the microwave and setting them for three minutes.

he still holding his.

I think it should be "Him still holding his."

"Youll get used to it"

"You'll get used to it."

About school

Try using an ellipse there so "About school..."

Ugh, school don't remind me

Ugh, school, don't remind me. because she's thinking it.

Overall comments/suggestions

I didn't really feel the ending was all that strong; you can do better than that.

As someone else said, the MC doesn't seem to have much personallity; she just seems kind of blah. Develop her more and give her personallity. She has potiential to become a really good character if you develop her well enough. If you haven't already, join Snoink's Character Development Group; it's a lot of fun and the topics aren't always about the characters.

Grammar: This is the part you really need to work on. A lot of those are simple mistakes. Always look over a chapter before you post it and/or read the chapter outloud; they should help you find most of the mistakes.

I liked the setting of the story.

I look foward to reading the next chapter.

PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter

dreamer6782 wrote: There was no sign of of the sun. The sun I longed for.

Good first line.

dreamer6782 wrote:The temperature dropping rapidly. It was just how I expected Cold Bay, Alaska. That just had to be the place my dad lived, Eric Stewart.

I don't like how that reads. It doesn't flow very well.

dreamer6782 wrote:Still thinking about my mom, Karen. She got sick one month ago, and died.

What did she die from?

dreamer6782 wrote:It happened so sudden. Forcing me to move from Sunny-ville, California to Cold Bay, Alaska. Not my first choice but I'd get to see my dad which didn't happen a lot considering my parents were divorced.

There is a lot of repeating here. We know she is moving. We know she doesn't want to. We know she's meeting her dad.

dreamer6782 wrote:I passed an Ice rink, little souvenir shops, a supermarket and the harbor. It was a big town, not like New York City but big.

I don't think the NYC part is necessary. She's not from NYC, she's from CA. Compare Cold Bay to Sunny-ville.

dreamer6782 wrote:I needed to spare the moment me knowing that thing were going to be completely different.

This doesn't make sense.

dreamer6782 wrote:The inside surprised me. Me not being here in 15 years shocked me.

This is kind of repetitive and doesn't read well.

dreamer6782 wrote:A plasma screen tv ((TV)) hung on the wall and a glass table in front of the couch. ((new paragraph here))Dad quickly came behind me lugging my suitcases. "follow me" He said cheerfully.

dreamer6782 wrote:We walked up the carpeted staircase into the only bedroom up there. ((upstairs would sound better)) He stopped opening a big wooden door.

dreamer6782 wrote:Dad was already over at the microwave. He poured two packets of cocoa mix into two mugs and poured hot water on top, placing them in the microwave setting them on high three minutes.

Good use of detail but I don't think quite all of it is necessary.

dreamer6782 wrote:Ugh, school don't remind me I thought to my self. My life is already bad enough being in this cold death land.

Italicize thoughts.


Overall the plot and characters were good. Just some grammar things.
It may just be me but I'm noticing some similarities to Twilight. Female narrator with brown hair. Divorced parents. Moving from a hot place to a cold place. Living with dad. Light blue room. The name Bella. If you haven't read the book then I guess that's fine but if you have you might want to try to not make them as similar.
I liked it though. I look forward to reading the next chapters

Well i see the nit picking has already been done.

This kinda reminded me of twilight. Not a lot but just the small things. Like her going to live with her dad and not really liking where he lives.

There are a few things you could rephrase. Just reread things a lot before you post to make sure it's your best work.

And last, this is a bit short for a first chapter. Maybe add more dialog and a little bit more description.

This is good!



This reminds me of Twilight, and I suggest you kind of change some of the aspects of the story to make it seem more original. Grammar, punctuation, and spelling need a little work.



Otherwise, I see alot of potential! Keep writing!

"It happened so sudden. Forcing me to move from Sunny-ville, California to Cold Bay, Alaska." You should say 'suddenly' and combine the two sentences with a comma.

This is a very good start. I think I'm going to be reading all four of your chapters. This one was very good. There were some minor mistakes like not putting commas or periods but no big deal. Nice job.Keep Writing, I think you will do well in the future.