Young Writers Society

Taken down at author's discretion.

Alright, this made my jump.
haha I knew it was coming but oh so soon made me go
OMG.
hahha



Anywho, You had a few grammical errors in this.
Somethings with lettering and what not, but what I noticed is
the way you described things.


You should break up your sentences a little more and in others
you should add more detail.

This kiss was perfect though:D


Also, you used "Now and then" twice in the same paragraph and it was confusing.
Another thing is the "Steven broke away, backed away" haha-wow.
Okay, so this should deff. be Steven soon ended the moment and backed away from me.

See?

Well, I would critique this more but I like JUST got back from a 3 hour drive of boredom in
the back seat of an over-airconidtioned car. d:
And well, my legs hurt from being cramped and I'm dead tired from all the mountain hiking.

Sweetie, I will say this: You are a good writer but just work on your detail, sentence fluency, and explanation.

I'm itching for more:D

Once again, it's good - I must say you are a master of suspense, but I feel that your characters are lacking, and they're lacking actuality.

One of the questions that has been rolling around in my head is why would these to characters feasibly fall in love, or lust as the case may be? It's just blind at the moment, and usually there's something. Have you heard the phrase, chickenless heads? That's what comes to mind. You're a good writer, but characters can't always be your meat puppets.

What distinguishes Jack? Why would Steven fall in love (or lust) with him? There is this age difference. What is there to break down that barrier? What might attract Jack? What sort of things make these people different from other people?

Do you see? I'm having trouble identifying Jack separately from Calix. The major difference is that Jack gives in easily to peer pressure, but it can't be the only aspect of his personality. Steven we know very little about.

“Life hasn’t been a carnival ride for me.” Another confession from Steven.

How is that a confession? I don't think that that line is appropriate.

Also, with the kiss, where was the wall? You only mention the couch, and it's sort of "whoa, what did I miss?"

You get a gagillion points for plot and suspense, and I don't want your characterization to pale in comparison.

Holy crap. I need the next chapter. Do you understand? I NEED THE NEXT CHAPTER! This is so remarkble, that I think you need to publish it when it is finished. Just work on your detail more, Okay? I was kinda lost in some placess, but that's okay. You are an awesome writer!!

This was well written as well. More work is still needed for the dialogue and tagging, though. I also agree with bear. The wall just appeared there so you probably should change that.

Also, I think you were a little redundant in this part (below):

“I don’t know—” I was interrupted once again.

When we see a dash (—) like that, we already know the person is interrupted. I'd omit the whole "I was interrupted once again" part.

Nice cliffhanging ending. I shall go read the next one! :]
- Summerless

Really good!!!!!!!!
Wow. your a great writer.
But one thing

I shook my head, embarrassed, “Nothing.” But I had noticed that he had a Tennessee twang in his voice like mine, where an “I” sounded like “aaah.”

This kinda out of nowhere and random.

Grammatical errors here and there. Apart from that, no other mistakes that I could see.

I've always preferred straightforward stories, so your stories are my cup of tea.

You also show Jack's confusion in the way he acts and thinks. Kudos! Not many people can or actually do that. Quite a few people say, for example, 'Jack was confused at this action. He then...'

You just got straight to the point.

“Steven…” I wanted to say so many things at once. I wanted to scream at him, hug him, hit him, kiss him again…

“I’m going to bed.” With that, I turned away from him. And I regretted those spoken words instantly.

Oh. My mum told me to get off the computer. I'll go through your other chapters next time then. I need to read more. Haha. (See what you've done to me? Haha. It's your fault. Now even my sis is laughing at my inability to stay away from your stories.)

Haha. Seeya then.