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Dare to fall



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Thu May 29, 2008 6:39 am
Amira15 says...



Somewhere in an unknown land. In a country called Sylas .Lived a widowed King and his daughter. This King was a loving and humble King and The whole Kingdom adored him. But not as much as he adored his daughter. The King loved is daughter. He kept her close to him. She was always first in his heart. As he was in hers. As the years went by his daughter grew to be a fine young woman. But he got older, and his health worsened. He was like this for a long while. He was on the verge of death when he called his daughter to his room.

Lorena opened the large golden doors to her fathers bedroom. She looked at the four emerald green comforters placed around the sunlit room. She walked towards the dying King with a smile,her father looked at peace even though he was ill. Her feet made a small tapping sound on the green marble floor as she walked across the room. She sat on the emerald green bed spread of the large wooden canopy bed against the wall of the large room. She watched her father as he was resting. His gray hair slightly receding and the small wrinkles on his forehead. She leaned over and kissed his forehead gently. He gave a grunt and shifted. He opened his eyes to see his beautiful daughter looking back at him.

“Lorena!’ he said Trying to sit up.

“No sire!” Lorena said worried “You mustn’t sit up. You are very ill.”

She helped her father lay down on his white silk pillows. He smiled then gave a light cough. He was almost out of time. He could feel the pain in his chest. He called his beloved daughter to him for a reason. He must tell her.

“Oh Lorena” he said stroking her beautiful light brown hair. “What would I do with out you?”

“I don’t know.” she said smiling while grabbing his hands and putting them to her cheek.

“My daughter as you know I am very ill.”
“Yes sire I know.
“Before I die I want to tell you something I’ve not told anyone else.”

Lorena became worried like she didn’t want to hear her fathers next words.

“Sire what are you saying?” she said rolling her eyes to hide her suspicions

“When you were born....” he started “ a dark woman put a curse on you.”

“Father...”she said with a nervous voice.” This is your illness talking.”

“No its true!” He said coughing “If are ever to fall in love you will die.”

“No father I don’t want to hear anymore!” she said
Lorena dropped her fathers hands. And got off the bed. She couldn’t believe her father.
He was just very sick. There is no such things as curses.

“I’m sorry Lorena. I didn’t believe it either.....but” he started to cough some more. “but I had to be safe. That’s the reason I kept you close to me The reason I’ve kept you away from people, from having friends. The reason my life is miserable.”
Lorena was speechless how could her father be so stupid.

‘How could you father!” she yelled.” There are no such things as curses and you know that.” she turned her back to her father.

“I’m so sorry Lorena can you ever forgive me.’ he said understanding her reaction.
“I don’t know if I can” she said. You could tell she was crying.

He was hurt. Not only by the volume of his daughter voice, but by the words that came out of her mouth. It was silent for a while. The air was tense. Then the king spoke..

“I knew one day I would have to tell you.’ He coughed again, hard this time.
“I just didn’t know how to tell you. I couldn’t even tell your mother, but I knew one day i would have to tell you.” The king sighed then rubbed is forehead “I just thought I could protect you forever.”

Lorena understood her father .He did what he did out of love for her. He was dying. And she cant have her father die thinking his daughter hates him. She turned to her father, lifted her peach colored dress and sat on the bed again. She still had tears coming from her eyes.
“Father I’m sorry.’
He smiled and said “Its quite alright.”
“I know you wouldn’t do anything if it wasn’t best for me.”
She hugged her father.
“I love you Lorena, I will always love you” he said stroking her hair.
“I love you too father.” she said smiling.

Then her father started to cough rapidly and hard. It scared Lorena. She called for the medic. And he was pronounced dead later on that day.

Lorena was heartbroken. Her father was gone Nothing could compare as to how distraught she felt. Since her fathers passing she stayed in her room. Only to come out for meals. She kept her room looking dark. The peach velour drapes closed. She gave the order that she was to be left alone before the funeral. She wore black mourning garments and her hair in one full braid pulled up. And a thin black veil over her face. So many things crossed her mind. One in particular was that she was Queen. Her aunt Adeley suggested the coronation to be held the following day of the funeral. She says to have a happy day after a sad day is best for the kingdom. Lorena could not believe she agreed. Would she be like this as Queen? A pushover, never deciding for herself. One of her maid servants entered the room, letting some light into the room.

“Its time Malady” she said. Lorena stood from her chair and walked out of the dark room.

The service was painful. The Priest said his prayers as they covered the crypt of her Father. She could hear the cry’s of her aunt and the Nobleman who were close to him. But she couldn’t cry. She had to stay strong for her people. Besides she did her mourning in her room. She was Queen of Sylas she couldn’t show she was weak.


After the service was over Lorena stayed behind. She didn’t cry . Her face stayed the same with no expression.

“Still mourning?” A deep raspy voice said from behind her. She turned while wiping her tears to see an old man in his fifty's. He wore dark blue Robes laced with Silver. And the Silver Tiger of Borros Kingdom on his chest His dark long red hair tainted with locks of gray. He was an old friend of her fathers, The Duke of Burros.

“Koram!” She said happily. ”Its wonderful to see you”

‘As it is to see you” He said bowing.

”I am sorry to hear about your father. I tried to get hear sooner....” He said as they were walking back to the castle from churchyard.

“Its alright. I’m just glad your here. I feel everyone else is trying to take advantage of me.”

“Nonsense!” He said loudly. ”You are Queen. Not them you shall show them who’s boss’

The sound of the words made her shake. She was queen.

“I’m afraid I may not be right for the job,” She said. Her tone completely changing. She was insecure about her self.
“Now you are young...If you like, I will stay and help you.” Lorena’s face lit up. Who else to help than Koram. Who wouldn’t take advantage of her. Whom she completely trusts.

“Thank You Koram!” Lorena felt as if the wait of the world as just been taken off of her shoulders.

“I will need to assure my family’s well being before I help you. I will leave tomorrow after the coronation.” They reached the Iron small Iron gates to the castle. Koram opened them and they went inside.
“Of course.” Lorena said in agreement .

The Next day Lorena’s coronation Took place. After Koram Left to his family.

It was a week before Koram could return home. He lived so far away. But while he grew ill and was unable to travel. So he sent a Letter to Lorena saying he would send His son in his place.He said he was well experienced and would treat her as he would treat her.

A few days after the letter, Koram’s son arrived. He was a young man and had hair the color of a dark red rose. And he wore beautiful silver robes with the same crest of Borros on his chest. He stared at the Castle and the emerald green flags on its walls, with the horse crest of Sylas on them. The Large widows and the emerald green carpet over the marble floor. Portraits of past Kings and Queens hang in the tall narrow hallway. At the end of that hallway was a large Golden door. And behind that door was the Thrown room, where the Queen was waiting for him. The doors Opened and he walked in with confidence. He Took a bow and said With his subtle voice

“Your Majesty I am Landen of Borros. Here to take the place of my father.” He stood up and looked at the Queen. Her long light brown hair on her shoulders. She sat in her thrown wearing a beautiful satin blue dress. She wore an unpleasant look on her face. But she was so young he thought He expected to see women in her mid thirties.

“Your younger then I expected” he said thinking aloud.

He could tell by the change in her expression she didn’t like that he said that.

“I’m nineteen and its old enough” she said offended.

“I knew it, your only one year younger than me!” he said amazed at his discovery.

This Made Lorena even more angry.

“Your lucky your father was a good friend of my father or I would have thrown into the dungeon!” She stood up and walked furiously out of the room. Her female subordinates giggling after.

Landon was flummoxed. Had he said anything wrong. If it was this easy to offend the Queen he knew His job was going to be harder than he thought.

In the Queens bed chamber her maids were turning down her bed.

“Your Majesty that was some performance you did earlier.” one of the maids said.

“Yes. Do you think he realized it was a joke?” Lorena said sitting in one of the chairs in her room.

“I don’t know but i think you should tell him before he thinks less of you.” Said another maid fluffing the pillows.

“Oh I’m too tired Ill tell him in the morning.” Lorena said yawning and getting into her bed.
“Good night Your Majesty.” the maids said as they closed the doors to her room.
Last edited by Amira15 on Thu May 29, 2008 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Pour your heart out to a pen and Paper,You'll find that sometimes there the Only ones who understand.


-Me,Amira Got YWS!
  





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Thu May 29, 2008 5:00 pm
Complicated101 says...



Hello :)
I'm Complicated101 and I'm going to tell you what I think of this piece of writing and, hopefully, help you to improve.

This King was a loving and humble King. The whole Kingdom adored him. But not as much as he adored his daughter. The King loved is daughter. He kept her close to him.

Ok, so I've noticed you use a lot of really short sentences in your writing, these disrupt the flow of you piece. Try to add commas or semicolons to join together sentences. For example, instead of 'But not as much as he adored his daughter. The King loved is daughter. He kept her close to him.' write 'But not as much as he adored his daughter, for the king loved his daughter and kept her close to him at all times.' See the improvement?

Lorena o[s]O[/s]pened the large golden doors to her fathers bedroom.

You put capitals in some really weird places sometimes. I'm taking it they're due to typos? :)

She looked at the four[s]4[/s] emerald green comforters placed around the sunlit room.

Always, when writing numbers, write them in word form. I've added the 'placed' in because I think it sounds better. You could also have 'positioned' or something though.

She walked towards the dying King with a smile.

I'm taking it she's smiling because she's trying to be strong? You might want to add that explanation though, otherwise it sounds like she's actually happy he's dying. Which I don't think she is.


"Lorena!" h[s]H[/s]e said, t[s]T[/s]rying to sit up.

Weird capitals again.

she said with a giggle to hide her suspicions

I doubt someone would giggle at their fathers last words. Perhaps use something like 'she said, rolling her eyes in an attempt to cover up her suspicions' Also what are her suspicions and why does she have them?

Her face stayed the same with no expression.

You haven't told us what her face was like before, so it doesn't really make sense to say it stayed the same.

She turned while wiping her tears to see an old man in his fifties[s]50s[/s].

I thought she wasn't crying? So why is she wiping her tears?

"I'm afraid I may not be right for the job,[s].[/s]"s[s]S[/s]he said.

After speech if you're just using 'said' or 'yelled' in other words, not describing an action, you use a comma.
For example,
"Hello Sophie," he said - not an action, so a comma is used
"Hello Sophie." he held out his hand, meaning for me to shake it - an action follows directly after the speech so a full stop is used.

"I knew it, you're [s]your [/s]only one year younger than me!" he said, amazed at his discovery.

Wrong use of you're. Also I thought, he thought, she was young? So how come he says he knew. Unless he just said she was young to try and find out her age?

"[s]Your[/s] You're lucky your father was a good friend of my father or I would have thrown into the dungeon!" She stood up and walked furiously out of the room.

Hahaaa, overreaction much? :lol:

Overall
Overall I liked it. I liked the idea, I think it's very strong, and I liked Lorena's character.
Like I said above though, the short sentences make it hard for you to really get into it, which is a shame because it's actually a very nice read.
Read through what I've said above and feel free to Pm or message me if you don't understand anything.
Looking forward to reading the next chapter :)
Complicated101
  





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Fri May 30, 2008 10:54 am
Lauren says...



Hello :)

Well, it's clear straight away that you have some issues with grammar, spelling and the ol' punctuation (or maybe it was a one-off thing), however, I will ignore these (since they have already been pointed out) and skip onto the story behind them.

I wish I could rave about it, but it was somewhat clichéd; a tad predictable. It is fairly obvious that Lorena will fall in love with Landon, and face the wrath of the curse.
Saying that, it fits a certain genre. This would make a successful Disney-ish book/film, and would be enjoyable for younger children. In fact, this is something I would have chosen to read when I was younger.
So I suppose that it all depends on what audience you're writing for. Teenagers probably, if I'm to be honest, won't be that impressed, but children would. And that is no step down.

Hope I helped.
  





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Sat May 31, 2008 9:57 am
C.J. Mustang says...



I really liked the plot of your story, although I did see many mistakes:

Somewhere in an unknown land, in a country called Sylas,only one space lived a widowed King and his daughter. This King was a loving and humble King, and the whole Kingdom adored him. But not as much as he adored his daughter. The King loved is daughter. He kept her close to him, and she was always first in his heart, as he was in hers. As the years went by his daughter grew to be a fine young woman. But he got older, and his health worsened. He was like this for a long while. He was on the verge of death when he called his daughter to his room.

Lorena opened the large golden doors to her fathers bedroom. She looked at the four emerald green comforters placed around the sunlit room. She walked towards the dying King with a smile.space Her father looked at peace even though he was ill. Her feet made a small tapping sound on the green marble floor as she walked across the room. She sat on the emerald green bed spread of the large wooden canopy bed against the wall of the large room. She watched her father as he was resting, his gray hair slightly receding and the small wrinkles on his forehead.<this sentence is kind of worded funny. You could say 'his gray hair slightly receding and the small wrinkles on his forehead wrinkled even more as his eyebrows raised, straining to look up at her. She leaned over and kissed his forehead gently as he gave a grunt and shifted. He opened his eyes to see his beautiful daughter looking back down at him.

“Lorena!" he said, trying to sit up.

“No, Sire!”Why would she call her father 'sire'? Lorena said, worried. “You mustn’t sit up. You are very ill.”

She helped her father lay down on his white silk pillows. He smiled then gave a light cough. He was almost out of time. He could feel the pain in his chest. He called his beloved daughter to him for a reason. He must tell her.

“Oh Lorena,” he said, stroking her beautiful light brown hair. “What would I do with out you?”

“I don’t know.” she said smiling while grabbing his hands and putting them to her cheek.

“My daughter as you know I am very ill.”space it out like you did to the rest of the story
“Yes sire I know.
space
“Before I die I want to tell you something I’ve not told anyone else.”

Lorena became worried. [s]like[/s] She could tell she didn’t want to hear her fathers next words.

“Sire, what are you saying?” she said, rolling her eyes to hide her suspicions.

“When you were born....” he started,no spacea dark woman put a curse on you.”

“Father...”she said with a nervous voice. "This is your illness talking.”

“No, its true!” he said coughing. “If are ever to fall in love, you will die.”

“No father I don’t want to hear anymore!” she said.
space
Lorena dropped her fathers handsno period and got off the bed. She couldn’t believe her father.no spaceHe was just very sick. There were no such things as curses.

“I’m sorry, Lorena. I didn’t believe it either.....but...” he started to cough some more. “...but I had to be safe. That’s the reason I kept you close to me--the reason I’ve kept you away from people, from having friends. The reason my life is miserable.”
Lorena was speechless. how could her father be so stupid?

‘How could you, father!” she yelled. "There are no such things as curses and you know that!She turned her back to her father.

“I’m so sorry Lorena. can you ever forgive me?" he said, understanding her reaction.
“I don’t know if I can,” she said. You could tell she was crying.

He was hurt. Not only by the volume of his daughter voice, but by the words that came out of her mouth. It was silent for a while. The air was tense. Then the king spoke..<don't put an extra period

“I knew one day I would have to tell you--" He coughed again, hard this time.“I just didn’t know how [s]to tell you[/s]. I couldn’t even tell your mother, but I knew one day I would have to tell you.” The king sighed then rubbed is forehead. “I just thought I could protect you forever.”

Lorena understood her fatherno space.He did what he did out of love for her. He was dying. And she can't have her father die thinking his daughter hates him. She turned to her father, lifted her peach colored dress and sat on the bed again. She still had tears coming from her eyes.
space
“Father I’m sorry."
space
He smiled. [s]and said [/s]“Its quite alright.”
“I know you wouldn’t do anything if it wasn’t best for me.” no space She hugged her father.
space
“I love you, Lorena. I will always love you.” he [s]said[/s] strok[s]ing[/s]ed[/b] her hair.
space
“I love you too, father.” she said, smiling.

[s]Then[/s] Her father started to cough rapidly and hard. It scared Lorena. She called for the medic.[s]And he[/s] The King was pronounced dead later [s]on[/s] that day.

Lorena was heartbroken. Her father was gone. Nothing could compare as to how distraught she felt. Since her fathers passing, she stayed in her room, only to come out for meals. She kept her room [s]looking[/s] dark, the peach velour drapes closed. She gave the order that she was to be left alone before the funeral. She wore black mourning garments and her hair in one full braid pulled up, with [s]And[/s] a thin black veil pulled over her face. So many things crossed her mind. One in particular was that she was Queen. Her aunt Adeley suggested the coronation to be held the following day of the funeral. She sa[s]ys[/s]id before the funeral, 'to have a happy day after a sad day is best for the kingdom.' Lorena could not believe she agreed. Would she be like this as Queen? A pushover, never deciding for herself? One of her maids [s]servants[/s] entered the room, letting some light in[s]to the room[/s].

“Its time, M[s]a[/s]'lady,” she said. Lorena stood from her chair and walked out of the dark room.how could the room still be dark if the maid opend the curtains?

The service was painful. The Priest said his prayers as they covered the crypt of her Father. She could hear the cry’s of her aunt and the Nobleman who were close to him. But she couldn’t cry. She had to stay strong for her people. Besides, she did her mourning in her room. She was the Queen of Sylas, now; she couldn’t show she was weak.


After the service was over, Lorena stayed behind. She didn’t cry no space. Her face stayed the same with no expression. We already knew that she didn't cry; why are you telling us again?

“Still mourning?” A deep raspy voice said from behind her. She turned while wiping her tears to see an old man in his fifty's. He wore dark blue Robes laced with Silver. And the Silver Tiger of Borros Kingdom on his chest His dark long red hair tainted with locks of gray.<you may want to reword this sentence He was an old friend of her fathers, The Duke of Burros.I thought before it was 'Borros'?

“Koram!” She said happily. ”Its wonderful to see youeither ! or .

"As it is to see you” He said bowing.

”I am sorry to hear about your father. I tried to get [s]hear[/s]here sooner....” He said as they were walking back to the castle from churchyard.

“Its alright. I’m just glad your here. I feel everyone else is trying to take advantage of me.”

“Nonsense!” He said loudly. ”You are Queen. Not them you shall show them who’s boss!" kind of a confusing sentence. reword it, maybe?


This is all I can do for now. Remeber--SHOW, DON'T TELL! Happy editing!
Sorry, I don't have any leeches on my speed dial.
~Jacob Black
  








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