Young Writers Society

I know that this is not just yet a love story but it is going to turn into one soon!!


Chapter #1- Who Is Gonna Ask Me To The Dance?


"Hannah Erins! Are you gonna answer the question?" went the raspy, old vioce of Mrs. Cooley, "Huh?... Oh! Could you repeat it?" asked a short, brown-headed girl in the back of the room. "Maybe Miss Erins, if you didn't daydream so much you could have possibly heard me the first time" the bell rang before Hannah's teacher could ask the question agian. Hannah stood up gathering her things together, Only one more class untill the weekend, she thought to herself. When she left the classroom to go to her locker someone screamed her name from down the hall "Hannah!", it was her best friend Carter Lockson. As Carter finally reached Hannah she said exitedly "Guess who just asked me to the dance" but before Hannah could answer she said "Mason Stewert!" "Wow! Really!" Hannah said sarcastically, Mason Stewert was cute and all but he was the dumbest boy Hannah had every met. "You know Hannah, you could at least be a little exited for me" Carter snapped and stomped away, Hannah sighed, shook her head and headed for her last class, English.

As Hannah took her seat on the bus Carter sat next to her, Carter was the prettiest girl at Scottsville Middle School, she had long, brown hair, sapphire blue eyes, tanned skin. Even though she was her best friend Hannah envied Carter, Hannah had shorter, muddy brown hair, dark, green eyes, and a freckled face. "Are you still mad at me?" she asked Carter "A little, but I don't think I should be. Has anyone asked you to the dance yet?" she asked smiling a little "Not yet, but I hope Dylan does" Hannah said turning red. "Always the brainy people isn't it Hannah" Carter said laughing.

The bus finally stopped at Hannah's two story, brick house, the smell of freshly cut grass filled her nose. She opened the wooden door and her Mom was in the kitchen cooking supper, "Hey Mom, is Ethan feeling better?" she asked dropping her purple backpack on the leather couch. Ethan was her twin brother, but Hannah liked to think they looked nothing alike, "Yes he is, and I need you to take this soup up there to him" her Mom said bringing her the hot, bowl of soup. As Hannah climbed the stairs, soup bowl in hand, she headed for her brothers room, the music was on really loud, Like always, she said to herself. "Ethan! Mom said you gotta eat this soup" she yelled and opening the door, Ethan was lying in his bed, whaching t.v. his eyes wide, and scared. As Hannah walked closer she saw that he was whaching the news, "And yet agian, another young life has been taken by the still rising tides" said the sad vioce of the news reporter, barely heard by the blazing music, "Yes, Anna Jackson thought she would be fishing alone yesterday evening, she tride to fight the tides but lost", Hannah couldn't believe it, Anna Jackson use to go to her school but had to move to the other middle school, she also use to be Ethan's girlfriend.

That night dinner was oddly qiuet, Hannah's dad had to work late and so her Mom wasn't to happy. "Hey Mom, did you hear about what happend to Anna Jackson?" she asked in a low vioce "Yeah, thats why I don't like it when you and Ethan go to the Beach by your selves" she said, they lived really close tp the beach, walking distance actually. when everyone was done with dinner hannah and Ethan washed the dishes as their Mom had to go to bed early for work, Hannah dropped the sponge and leaned down to get it, Ethan sprayed her with the water and she slapped him with the soapy sponge "Who are you taking the dance Ethan" she asked giggleing, Ethan was popular with middle school girls so he could take anyone he liked, "I called Danea this morning before school started she said yes" he said bowing up to his much shorter sister "Uhhh! Ethan she is really mean" hannah said screwing her face up "So! She is so hot!" he answered back.

The next morning Hannah and Ethan were left alone, untill they got a surprise vistit from Carter "Hannah come with me, Ethan stay down here so you can answer the door" Carter said grabbing hannah and running up the stairs, "Carter what are we doing" hannah asked as Carter shut the bedroom door and went to the closet "Hannah we need to find the nicest clothes you have" "Why?" Hannah asked confused "Because someone really important is comming to your house and asking you something really important". By now Hannah was very, very, very confused as she started to change in her bathroom, as she came out Carter said "Perfect, now for your makeup and hair" "Carter! tell me what's going on!" Hannah screamed "Bcause Dylan Shaw is comming here to ask you to the dance!".



I really hope you liked this please comment, crit, or say something about it
I need all the help that I can get, and like I said its not qiute a love story YET!

I really liked the story, but could you space out some of it? I don't have time to nit-pic right now, so I'll be back! Great story though.

ok thanks i'll see what i can do when i have some more time on my hands

I'll read this when you fix a problem.

When writing dialog you do this.

"Hi, my name is Beth." The girl smiled. I turned around and looked at her.

"I'm Kathy," I forced a smile not really wanting to get to know her.

"Cool, I used to know a girl name Kathy, she was a total jerk." Beth shrugged. "I don't know why she was, but she was. It got annoying after a while. She always said I talked to much."

"That's great, I really have to go."


See, you got to use a different line for when someone is talking. When you fix that, pm me and I'll crit this better.

Hey,

Okay, all my corrections are in bold...

"Hannah Erins! Are you gonna answer the question?" went the raspy, old vioce of Mrs. Cooley, [okay, you need to start a new paragraph every time somebody new starts talking. I will type "shift" whenever you need to do this...shift] "Huh?... Oh! Could you repeat it?" asked a short, brown-headed girl in the back of the room. [shift]"Maybe Miss Erins, if you didn't daydream so much you could have possibly heard me the first time" the bell rang before Hannah's teacher could ask the question agian. Hannah stood up gathering her things together, Only one more class untill the weekend, [this thought needs to be in italics, since she is thinking it] she thought to herself. [shift] When she left the classroom to go to her locker [comma] someone screamed her name from down the hall "Hannah!", it was her best friend Carter Lockson. As Carter finally reached Hannah she said exitedly "Guess who just asked me to the dance" but before Hannah could answer she said "Mason Stewert!" [shift] "Wow! Really!" Hannah said sarcastically, [this should be a period instead of a comma] Mason Stewert was cute and all but he was the dumbest boy Hannah had every met. "You know Hannah, you could at least be a little exited for me" Carter snapped and stomped away, Hannah sighed, shook her head and headed for her last class, English.

As Hannah took her seat on the bus [comma] Carter sat next to her, [should be a period instead of a comma here] Carter was the prettiest girl at Scottsville Middle School, [period instead of comma] she had long, brown hair, sapphire blue eyes, tanned skin. Even though she was her best friend [comma] Hannah envied Carter, [period instead of comma] Hannah had shorter, muddy brown hair, dark, green eyes, and a freckled face. "Are you still mad at me?" she asked Carter [period and shift] "A little, but I don't think I should be. Has anyone asked you to the dance yet?" she asked smiling a little [period and shift] "Not yet, but I hope Dylan does" Hannah said turning red. [shift] "Always the brainy people isn't it Hannah" Carter said laughing.

The bus finally stopped at Hannah's two story, brick house, the smell of freshly cut grass filled her nose. She opened the wooden door and her Mom was in the kitchen cooking supper, "Hey Mom, is Ethan feeling better?" she asked dropping her purple backpack on the leather couch. Ethan was her twin brother, but Hannah liked to think they looked nothing alike, [period instead of comma] "Yes he is, and I need you to take this soup up there to him" her Mom said bringing her the hot, bowl of soup. [shift] As Hannah climbed the stairs, soup bowl in hand, she headed for her brothers room, the music was on really loud, Like always, [this thought should be in italics] she said to herself. "Ethan! Mom said you gotta eat this soup" she yelled and opening the door, [period instead of comma] Ethan was lying in his bed, whaching t.v. his eyes wide, and scared. [shift] As Hannah walked closer she saw that he was whaching the news, "And yet agian, another young life has been taken by the still rising tides" said the sad vioce of the news reporter, barely heard by the blazing music, "Yes, Anna Jackson thought she would be fishing alone yesterday evening, she tride to fight the tides but lost", Hannah couldn't believe it, Anna Jackson use to go to her school but had to move to the other middle school, [period instead of comma] she also use to be Ethan's girlfriend.

That night [comma] dinner was oddly qiuet, [period instead of comma] Hannah's dad had to work late and so her Mom wasn't to [too instead of to] happy. "Hey Mom, did you hear about what happend to Anna Jackson?" she asked in a low vioce [period and shift] "Yeah, thats why I don't like it when you and Ethan go to the Beach by your selves" she said, [period instead of comma] they lived really close tp [to] the beach, walking distance actually. [capital W] when everyone was done with dinner [comma and capital H] hannah and Ethan washed the dishes as their Mom had to go to bed early for work, [period instead of comma] Hannah dropped the sponge and leaned down to get it, [period instead of comma] Ethan sprayed her with the water and she slapped him with the soapy sponge "Who are you taking the dance Ethan" she asked giggleing, [period instead of comma] Ethan was popular with middle school girls so he could take anyone he liked, "I called Danea this morning before school started she said yes" he said bowing up to his much shorter sister [period and shift] "Uhhh! Ethan she is really mean" [capital H] hannah said screwing her face up [period and shift] "So! She is so hot!" he answered back.

The next morning Hannah and Ethan were left alone, untill they got a surprise vistit [visit] from Carter [period] "Hannah come with me, Ethan stay down here so you can answer the door" Carter said [comma] grabbing [capital H] hannah and running up the stairs, "Carter what are we doing" [capital H] hannah asked as Carter shut the bedroom door and went to the closet [period and shift] "Hannah we need to find the nicest clothes you have" [period and shift] "Why?" Hannah asked confused [period and shift] "Because someone really important is comming to your house and asking you something really important". By now Hannah was very, very, very confused as she started to change in her bathroom, [period instead of comma] as she came out Carter said "Perfect, now for your makeup and hair" [period and shift] "Carter! tell me what's going on!" Hannah screamed [period and shift] "Bcause Dylan Shaw is comming here to ask you to the dance!".

Overall:

I liked your ending. It makes the reader go to the next chapter. But, your overall story is laking. You first need to space out way more. I helped you, putting "shift" whenever you need to start a new paragraph. Also, you need to work on using periods instead of commas at the end of your sentences.

Now, your story is nice but you need more action in it. Draw the reader in. Make them want to read more.

Hopefully this helps!

i love it. look forward to the next chapter. please notify me when it comes out. few things i saw :
-

"Hannah Erins!

a period instead.
-

"Wow! Really!" Hannah said sarcastically

did hannah say both of these or just the last sentence ? i am confused
-

Even though she was her best friend Hannah envied Carter,

you know i kind of get envie my friend too. everyone seems to like her more than me. what i want to say is that it really adds a realistic taste to the story.
-

she yelled and opening the door,

supposed to be 'while' instead.
-

Ethan stay down here so you can answer the door"

i don't really think carter will give orders and ethan will just take it. he seems too cool for it.
-

Why?" Hannah asked confused "Because someone really important is comming to your house and asking you something really important".

it kinda seems obvious and how did carter know ?
-

Carter! tell me what's going on!" Hannah screamed

she should ask.
other than that it was very pleasing. looking forward to the next part of this story.

hey guys thanks for commenting on this, sorry that I haven't yet fixed it but I really haven't had the time to


hope ya'll understand!